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Original poster

My brother who I don't speak to had a heart attack and is in hospital. Do I go to see him?

181 replies

PicnicBunny · 26/12/2016 20:39

I left home when I was 16. My Mother and Brother and family were pretty strict religious and traditional family. I was not a bad kid, got straight As and planned to go to Uni. Being muslim, this was going to be a no no... I left when my brother who was 10 years older than me beat me up many times, and finally till I was unconscious. I left home. Went through university, got my life together and 22 years later... here it is. My cousin told me he is in hospital, and I have no idea what to do. Family... has he changed... when we were much younger, there were times before the fights when I adored him as an older brother. hmmm have been thinking about this all day. I found out this morning. To make matters worse, my husband is having a go at me to go and see him.

OP posts:
user1471519641 · 26/12/2016 22:31

Islam is a religion of education respect tolerance and forgiveness and higher values.just think quitely its your brother

SeaEagleFeather · 26/12/2016 22:36

I'm with ChocoChou

it's been twenty two years. He may have changed.

I think go, but plan carefully (and on your own, 'not necessarily asking your husband) how to handle it.

How will you handle it if he is really not repentant?

How will you handle it if he -is- ! Almost as hard.

How much contact with your mother and rest of family do you have? If you have none, then contacting your brother may open the door to that.

I'd say make your OWN mind up, but consider going - but perhaps don't let anyone else know, and think ahead of time how he might act, and then how you will handle it.

HecAteAllTheXmasPud · 26/12/2016 22:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cricrichan · 26/12/2016 22:38

And how much respect did her brother give her when he could have killed her? Someone who bears up his sister and once knocks her unconscious does not change. What kind of messed up religion states that someone who has suffered abuse has to go and see her unrepentant abuser and forgive him? You should be more bloody focussed on protecting her and finding ways to stop the abuser!

SeaEagleFeather · 26/12/2016 22:38

user you sound like an apologist for ... well .. .any sort of misuse and abuse in a family.

I think she should perhaps go, but intelligently and not just for the sake of 'forgiveness'. That's about the most misused word in the active religions.

SeaEagleFeather · 26/12/2016 22:38

In fairness though - no one knows if he is repentant or unrepentant.

user1471519641 · 26/12/2016 22:43

Thats why she needs to go and find out not just not bothering going at all .i think she knows what to do trust ur guts.

Cricrichan · 26/12/2016 22:44

I think we do know that he's unrepentant as he's not apologised and made sure op knew what an unforgivable thing he did. This wasn't just a family disagreement or a clash in personality! Can you imagine how fucked up you've got to be to beat your defenceless sister unconscious?? And it's her duty as a bloody Muslim to visit and forgive that bastard? And what about the rest of the family?

Chippednailvarnishing · 26/12/2016 22:48

Thats why she needs to go and find out

She doesn't need to do anything.

Sn0tnose · 26/12/2016 22:48

I wouldn't see him. He assaulted you when he was 26 years old. He was an adult and his views were likely to have been largely formed at that time. Will he have changed? When he made these attempts to apologise that your husband is referring to, did he beg you for your forgiveness and tell you what he had done to you was abhorrent? If not, that would suggest he hasn't changed and still believes what he did was right. If you went to visit him, would that be seen as an invite for him to impose himself and his violence back in your life? And would you feel obliged to accept it? 'Don't argue back or you'll make him ill again'?

If you want to follow User's advice to forgive him for the sake of your religion, then good for you. BUT forgiving him does not mean that you have to have any contact with him or establish any kind of relationship with him. Your first responsibility is to yourself and your safety. If your DH doesn't understand that, then let someone bigger, older and stronger than him physically attack him, force him out of his home and away from his family, then let's see how quick he is to forgive.

As a bit of a disclaimer, I've been estranged from two immediate family members for many years. One of them is now terminally ill but I cannot have that back in my life and I have no desire to have any kind of relationship with that person. I don't wish them any harm but there's nothing I have to say to them. They're gone from my life and I don't want to change that.

Lulooo · 26/12/2016 22:50

OP, I think what really matters here is how you feel.about your brother having a heart attack. Does it make you want to go see him? Does it make you feel indifferent towards him? Or do you still feel the effects of his abuse towards you and feel despise?
In any case, that's what you should use to govern your decision to go.

Yes, Islam does encourage good relationships with family members and does encourage forgiveness too. By forgiving someone who abused you and oppressed you and took and vantage of your weak position, you'll be really showing who is the better person from the two of you. There are loads of people in the world who have forgiven their abusers- Muslims, Christians, Buddhists and atheists, and by doing this they're showing kindness to their own selves more than anyone. Forgiveness really does relieve you of a huge burden abd brings the sun out for yourself.

But this is your decision to make, not your husbands. I'm sure your DH means we'll by trying to get you to reconcile but let him know how you feel and how you don't want to be pressurised.

Islam encourages both men and women to educate themselves and where a woman can't make provisions to educate herself, the men in her life are obliged to assist her and make ways for her to access education. So your brother using Islam as a excuse to abuse you is his own mistake and/or a cultural flaw.

myoriginal3 · 26/12/2016 22:50

No.

FurryLittleTwerp · 26/12/2016 22:52

Think, really think, about what you would want from meeting your brother now.

He is ill, perhaps dying, very vulnerable. I could see myself visiting to make some sort of point, to show my strength & my capacity for compassion. Not to make amends - no, not that certainly.

But I wouldn't visit alone - I'd take a neutral friend with me - not a family member & not my husband.

If he dies & you have decided not to visit, would that sit easily with you?

mscongeniality · 26/12/2016 22:53

User she has NO religious obligation to go and see someone who abused her like that! stop perpetuating and normalizing violence against women. And I'm Muslim btw.

OP if you don't feel anything for him then forget him. He treated you horribly.

mscongeniality · 26/12/2016 22:55

Sorry but she doesn't necessarily have to forgive him just so she can find inner peace. It's possible to live your life and not forgive people who wronged you so badly.

Sn0tnose · 26/12/2016 22:55

User I think you're using the OP's religious beliefs to attempt to make her feel guilty about not rushing back into a potentially dangerous situation. I want to give you the benefit of the doubt and believe that you're just being innocently shortsighted, but if there were any conscious attempts to manipulate the OP, then it would be shame on you.

scottishdiem · 26/12/2016 22:56

They man has had years to arrive on your doorstep on his knees begging for forgiveness. He hasnt and thats is not your fault.

You need to do what you want to do and if that is not going to see him I would say that is fine.

scottishdiem · 26/12/2016 23:00

Also, cause the religion thing is being mentioned:

The Prophet said, "Whoever has oppressed another person concerning his reputation or anything else, he should beg him to forgive him before the Day of Resurrection when there will be no money (to compensate for wrong deeds), but if he has good deeds, those good deeds will be taken from him according to his oppression which he has done, and if he has no good deeds, the sins of the oppressed person will be loaded on him." Islam also teaches human beings to be forgiving and if someone sincerely asks for forgiveness, the wronged person should forgive him. The Prophet said, "Whoever suffers an injury and forgives (the person responsible), God will raise his status to a higher degree and remove one of his sins."

In that faith, the brother needs to reach out and seek forgiveness before the sister needs to do anything else. If the heart attack makes that too hard, he left it too late.

user1471519641 · 26/12/2016 23:00

No way im not trying at all.as i said im against violance against any gender.i gave 6 dsis never hit.have a wife and daughter never or will hit.
Just its sis brother rrelation we need to think the guy might die if she wants to visit brilliant if not i hope she will be fine

Kr1stina · 26/12/2016 23:05

It's quite possible to forgive someone in your heart but NOT be willing to put yourself at risk again.

He will not be able to hurt you physically while you are visiting him but he may say hurtful things. Or you may become upset as you remember how he used to assault you.

He wasn't a child, he was a man of 26 beating a defencelesss girl.

He has had many years to offer a full aplology and he has not done so. "Trying " is not good enough. He could have sent you a letter or email -did he do so ?

Did he go to the police and turn himself in ? why not, as that would show repentance . He has not tried to atone for his crimes in any way, has he?

And I have to say I don't think much of a husband who has no anger towtards a man who repeatedly beat up his wife.

kawla · 26/12/2016 23:08

User, its quite strange how you are adamant that she should go and bringing religion into it. If it really was religion then the prophet PBUH said:

" Only an honorable man treats women with honor and integrity, and only a vile and dishonorable man humiliates and degrades women."

So before she sees him he has a duty to apologise and even then she doesn't need to forgive him for abusing her.

Sn0tnose · 26/12/2016 23:15

No way im not trying at all.as i said im against violance against any gender.i gave 6 dsis never hit.have a wife and daughter never or will hit.Just its sis brother rrelation we need to think the guy might die if she wants to visit brilliant if not i hope she will be fine

Hmm, I'd be slightly more inclined to believe your motives if you hadn't also said go and visit ur brother im siure he will sorry and regret but never cut your relations we are not allowed .visiting a sick is a duty.

Madshiplollipop · 27/12/2016 07:55

Forget religion or cultural tradition- he asks for your forgiveness so that the whole family can hear him and maybe you'll visit him and agree to forgive him if he is genuinely sorry. But not in any other circumstance.

Oly5 · 27/12/2016 07:58

No
Don't get sucked back in to a family that abused you and allowed abuse.
Congratulations on your wonderful degree!!

SeaEagleFeather · 27/12/2016 08:05

user you sound like a nice person. The trouble is that people are often pushed to forgive before they are ready because of religion or because of the idea that family > all, or because it's much more convenient for everyone else if there isn't a rift in the family.

Beating someone like this is severe and stays with you though. Forgiveness -is- better for the injured person themself in the -long- run, but it can only come when they are ready to.

I do think that this was 22 years ago though, and while people rarely change - it does happen sometimes.