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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My brother who I don't speak to had a heart attack and is in hospital. Do I go to see him?

181 replies

PicnicBunny · 26/12/2016 20:39

I left home when I was 16. My Mother and Brother and family were pretty strict religious and traditional family. I was not a bad kid, got straight As and planned to go to Uni. Being muslim, this was going to be a no no... I left when my brother who was 10 years older than me beat me up many times, and finally till I was unconscious. I left home. Went through university, got my life together and 22 years later... here it is. My cousin told me he is in hospital, and I have no idea what to do. Family... has he changed... when we were much younger, there were times before the fights when I adored him as an older brother. hmmm have been thinking about this all day. I found out this morning. To make matters worse, my husband is having a go at me to go and see him.

OP posts:
AnxietySertraline · 27/12/2016 08:19

I wouldnt go

ChuckSnowballs · 27/12/2016 08:30

How often has he tried to apologise to you in the intervening years before the heart attack?

I suspect none. So no - even if he had mental health issues that could have explained it and was a changed person he would have apologised by now. So you can fairly assume that he is not sorry for beating you into unconsciousness.

So that's a no from me.

user1471545174 · 27/12/2016 08:30

I came on to say yes, reconcile with your brother, then read he'd beaten you up so no, he doesn't deserve any part of you. Ever.

zippey · 27/12/2016 08:38

It sounds like it's not just your brother but parents too. How could your parents allow you to be beaten?

Anyway, it should be your brother making the first move to ask your forgiveness.

Spring2016 · 27/12/2016 08:45

He beat you so badly you were unconscious. If he really was remorseful for the abuse, he would send you letters begging for forgiveness. He would somehow find you or send a letter to you care of somebody that he knows would pass it on to you. He isn't asking to see you. Because of this, I do not think you should go against your gut feeling of not wanting to see him. Tell your husband to respect your decision. Good luck it whatever you decide.

Datun · 27/12/2016 10:15

Do you forgive him OP?

If so, tell your cousin to let him know. You don't have to put yourself in danger in order to forgive someone.

Greenandmighty · 27/12/2016 10:43

When I read your thread title I was going to advise you to go, but now I've read it it's a definite NO! He beat you up. Would you visit your abuser in hospital?

notrocketscience · 27/12/2016 10:55

Like others I was going to advise a visit but this man beat you, not just once but repeatedly and the final time you became unconscious. He is a vicious, violent bully and should have gone to prison for what he did to you. Was it even reported to the police?
Say you had a daughter, aged 16, who you love more than life itself, would you allow a member of your own family to beat her senseless? Would you then encourage her to "make up" with him?
You have to follow what is in your own heart, you can forgive without having any contact with him so don't be pressured by the guilt tripping around you. I wish you all the very best and FWIT my advice is NO, don't go anywhere near him. X

Aftertheraincomesthesun · 27/12/2016 11:05

Brother should have been reported to the police at the time and prosecuted. Has he gone through his adult life continuing to beat people up?

Purplebluebird · 27/12/2016 12:51

Absolutely not.

ferando81 · 27/12/2016 13:08

Maybe a Get Well Soon card.If he then wants to apologise and ask your forgiveness ,the ball is in his court.
If they are religious and you aren't,it is likely that tensions could surface again.

BoneyBackJefferson · 27/12/2016 13:13

user1471519641
Just its sis brother rrelation we need to think the guy might die if she wants to visit brilliant if not i hope she will be fine

Lets be honest here, if he dies its one less abusive arsehole on the planet, I can live with that.

And why should the OP say that she forgives him? So that he can die with a clear conscience and a smile on his face?
So he can go to your god and claim that its all OK because the OP forgave him? Any Deity that falls for that and doesn't send him straight to ,whatever your version of, hell is, isn't worth the faith.

leaveittothediva · 27/12/2016 13:22

I personally wouldn't bother. You have no relationship with him for years, he didn't ask if you would go see him, so what's the point. No offense but I think going to see him now would make you a hypocrite. Having health problems doesn't make him any less of a crazy person.

SeaEagleFeather · 27/12/2016 14:18

It can be hard when you lose someone that you grow up with. People talk as if it's easy to know that a close relative has died, when you chose not to see them.

It isn't, for a lot of people.

The man acted appallingly but people are complex, especially when it comes to dying, and it's what's best for the OP here.

I don't see how anyone can fairly call her a 'hypocrite' if she does she does go. 'No offense' doesn't cut it. Neither you nor anyone else has the right to call her a hypocrite if she chooses to see her (maybe) dying brother. Death's too individual and final for that.

user1471519641 · 27/12/2016 14:43

Seaeaglefearher.well said we r not here to hudge op but to clarify point of views.
Pple take positions so easily in difficult situations.but when it hit u we dont kniw how we will react good luck

Original poster
PicnicBunny · 27/12/2016 15:13

Thank you everyone, it was a dark day yesterday. But nice to hear clear voices on here, and yes, I have asked my husband to support me, instead of sounding like bloody Deepak Chopra !

OP posts:
Original poster
PicnicBunny · 27/12/2016 15:18

Have had pressure from other people to go and visit. Cousins, aunties. My mother is conflicted too. He was a very abusive man, by the end... religion had nothing to do with it. So far I have not been.

OP posts:
Christmasnoooooooooooo · 27/12/2016 15:29

Write a letter to your brother. Read it . Do you want say to your brother in person what you written in Letter? If the answer is yes visit him. If no don't. Then get some counciling and learn to move on and let the pain go.

SeaEagleFeather · 27/12/2016 16:00

best of luck picnic. In the end you have to do what's right for -you-, whatever that may be.

In a situation a bit like yours, I tried to imagine how I would feel in 15 years' time if I had gone, or if I had not. In the end, I did not and have not regretted it in the years since. I regret more that the relationship was so bad but since it was, there was nothing I could do and no healing possible.

But you have to do what's right for -you-, and goodbyes are important to a lot of people.

HecAteAllTheXmasPud · 27/12/2016 16:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
PicnicBunny · 27/12/2016 18:24

Yes, HecAteAllTheXmasPud why should the onus be on me and why now? He never reached out before, or apologised, or tried to make amends. I have two children who have no idea who he is. So why drag this up, and now..?
Feel like the cousins and my husband are making it sound like I am being a mean person for holding onto past memories.

The issue gets complicated, as I've realised over the years that my mother should never have allowed such patriarchal bs, or assault. Would she have watched if he butchered me? It's complicated... and my relationship with my mother has been no contact on and off many times.

I also am terrified what will come out of my mouth should I see him. I don't do two faced politeness. But fear this is one of those turning points in my life where my spiritual growth takes many steps backwards.

OP posts:
Original poster
PicnicBunny · 27/12/2016 18:26

I feel so angry and conflicted, but sad too. Sad the picture in my head of a brother sister relationship that could have been so different.

OP posts:
Original poster
PicnicBunny · 27/12/2016 18:30

There were times when I was much younger, he was my hero. That's the bit I feel ... should I see him? To honour the relationship before things changed. He is out of danger now, but still in hospital.

OP posts:
HecAteAllTheXmasPud · 27/12/2016 18:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Spring2016 · 28/12/2016 09:28

I personally would not go under the circumstances.

Do your relatives that are pressuring you realize that he beat you? You could have died, or suffered brain damage. I find it upsetting that these people seem to think it is of no matter that he did that to you. Are they all submissive women and dominate men? Don't let anybody guilt you either way...not then, not us...nobody but you should decide what is best for you. Maybe it would serve you best to stop communication with them until this blows over?