Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

My brother who I don't speak to had a heart attack and is in hospital. Do I go to see him?

181 replies

PicnicBunny · 26/12/2016 20:39

I left home when I was 16. My Mother and Brother and family were pretty strict religious and traditional family. I was not a bad kid, got straight As and planned to go to Uni. Being muslim, this was going to be a no no... I left when my brother who was 10 years older than me beat me up many times, and finally till I was unconscious. I left home. Went through university, got my life together and 22 years later... here it is. My cousin told me he is in hospital, and I have no idea what to do. Family... has he changed... when we were much younger, there were times before the fights when I adored him as an older brother. hmmm have been thinking about this all day. I found out this morning. To make matters worse, my husband is having a go at me to go and see him.

OP posts:

HerOtherHalf · 28/12/2016 09:37

If you go and see him are you strong enough not to let him use that as a hook to get back into your life? It's your choice at the end of the day but don't be guilt tripped into doing something you would never do if his health wasn't in doubt.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 28/12/2016 09:46

Hello Bunny, I am by no means an unforgiving, or bitter person, but on this occasion, I would let sleeping dogs lie.
You have come a long way, you have family of your own, and are settled.
You know little of your Brother, he chose his own path to tread.
You could open a whole can of worms here, just to placate others, who are pressuring you to conform.
Please do not let past sentiment cloud your vision.

mirokarikovo · 28/12/2016 09:53

In one post up thread you said your DH asserts that DB has tried to apologise. In another post you say he hasn't apologised. If there is a chance he genuinely wants to apologise but can't because you've never allowed him to speak, then go.

When you get there say something like "I didn't want to come because you hurt me so badly but I have been convinced to give you a chance to reconcile". How much to expect then depends on how ill he is - if he is very very ill he may only manage a gesture, or he may be well enough to talk properly. Whatever he can manage, if his first response is to do his best to apologise and ask forgiveness then that is the right thing to happen. But be prepared to walk straight out again if he has no remorse.

If you know he has no regrets about what he did then you shouldn't go.

ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam · 28/12/2016 10:31

if his first response is to do his best to apologise and ask forgiveness then that is the right thing to happen. But be prepared to walk straight out again if he has no remorse.
Well said.

Original poster

PicnicBunny · 29/12/2016 18:38

My husband has gone to see my brother! His biopsy is today! Now it makes me feel worse!

OP posts:

user1471519641 · 29/12/2016 18:55

U shouldnt not ready yet .hope ur db says sorry

Hoppinggreen · 29/12/2016 19:06

Unless you have asked your husband to go on your behalf then that is a massive betrayal which I would struggle to forgive.
That man seriously assaulted you, the fact that you are related make sure it worse, not better

HecAteAllTheXmasPud · 29/12/2016 19:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cricrichan · 29/12/2016 19:28

What??Who doesyour husband think he is?

Ilovecaindingle · 29/12/2016 19:36

Personally I would be packing his stuff. . Your brother just found himself a lodger...

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 29/12/2016 19:46

Your Husband has his priorities wrong OP.

mimishimmi · 29/12/2016 19:53

He beat you up! There were lots of Muslim women at my uni 20 years ago and lots in my area still go. What has going to university got to do with Islam? There have always been well educated Muslim women.

mimishimmi · 29/12/2016 19:53

tenterden · 29/12/2016 19:56

OP this is awful, I am so sorry.

I agree with PP, I would have to reflect on whether my husband had my best interests at heart after this - it looks like a total betrayal.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 29/12/2016 20:03

Why has DH gone there?

I assume he is going to find out if brother will grovel for forgiveness if you do visit him so you have more information to help you make your decision. That's quite a helpful thing to do.

refusetobeasheep · 29/12/2016 20:12

No.

Patriciathestripper1 · 29/12/2016 20:15

No not a fucking hope. Stay well away.

Patriciathestripper1 · 29/12/2016 20:17

Omg just read your husband went??? Wtf!
He should be supporting you.

TommyandGina · 29/12/2016 20:21

I would go. Last year I was in a similar situation when my father was in hospital, he wasn't physically abusive but he was a horrible man and I hadn't seen him for 20 years. Advice from my friends was to go and see him 'take the upper hand and be the better person' I did visit and was glad I did. He got to see me as a successful adult who had thrived without him. He passed the next day then I had an odd feeling that he had been waiting for you visit so he could go In peace.

It was hard to do, I didn't recognise him at first but felt all the better for going.

Take the opportunity to show him and your family what a wonderful and successful woman you are

Angela56 · 29/12/2016 20:28

Picnic bunny
ask yourself will you regret it if you don't ? what will you feel like ?
hope you work it out

Original poster

PicnicBunny · 29/12/2016 20:52

Sorry, not biopsy, it's the bypass. My cousin called me...but as friends were coming round (still christmas invites and have friends invited...) I missed the calls while I was in the shower. So they called my husband and he answered. He was all set to not go, but said that the way they said it, that my brother is having a bypass surgery, he might not survive... he felt he had to go! So how does that make me look? I don't care too much about the look, but now it has given me immense anxiety, and really now caught in the drama I was trying so hard to avoid. I would have put my foot down more, but as guests arriving and was preparing lunch, I didn't even have time to say it properly

OP posts:

Original poster

PicnicBunny · 29/12/2016 20:55

eurgh writing while feeding my little one. he's got a cold too. Hope that makes sense above.

OP posts:

ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam · 29/12/2016 21:10

I think your husband should have told them that he would have to talk to you when you were out of the shower, to see what you wanted to do.

BoneyBackJefferson · 29/12/2016 21:32

I think that your DH should not have gone (its another way of shoe horning their way back in to your life) but if they are using the same tactics that one of the users upthread did i.e the good muslim forgives line, and he is devote they could be guilting him in to going.

Original poster

PicnicBunny · 29/12/2016 23:12

just had word that my brother will not make it. :-(

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8