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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How on earth can I keep us all safe?

994 replies

cherrycrumblecustard · 14/12/2016 16:00

I was going to make this post about "my friend" but honestly, I think I just need to be open about me.

How do you cope? When you live with someone who

will hit (not hard and not enough to bruise but will hityou and also shove, thump things near you and so on)
won't take no for an answer for sex, pulls your pants down as you pull them up, insists, ejaculates when you don't want them to and have asked/begged/pleaded not to
controls EVERYTHING

I need out, but I am TERRIFIED of leaving my children, our children, with him

OP posts:
Redglitter · 14/12/2016 16:01

You need to leave and take your children with you. No one should have to live like that.

MinesAGin · 14/12/2016 16:03

You need to get out asap.

Do you have somewhere you can go to?

You can call Women's Aid but please only do this if you're somewhere safe and as long as he can't see from your phone that you've called them.

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 14/12/2016 16:04

But then he gets contact without me being there. It's that I can't cope with, a whole weekend with him and tiny children? I've nothing at all I can prove

OP posts:
Wherehasmydevilcomefrom · 14/12/2016 16:06

You need to leave with the children. It's not good for any of you to be living like that.

You should contact women's aid. They will help you leave and help keep you and the children safe when you do leave.

Happybunny19 · 14/12/2016 16:06

If he's forcing you to have sex against your will it's rape. Report him for this and the dv. He's very unlikely to be granted any form of custody of the children with a criminal record of violence against you. Have you contacted women's aid? Do you have anyone around for rl support or a safe place to escape to?

PurpleDaisies · 14/12/2016 16:07

You don't need to prove anything for women's aid to help you. They will believe you and help you to get away from this man,

Foldedtshirt · 14/12/2016 16:08
Flowers This is heartbreaking. Call womens aid and get lawyered up. You have a very good case for access via a contact centre only; something tells me he won't bother to pursue it. Sad
RestlessTraveller · 14/12/2016 16:09

This is going to be harsh. Sorry.

These are your choices.

  1. You leave and take your children with you. You report him to the police and either go to a refuge or to family/friends. He will have to go through court for contact and given that you have reported this to professionals the likelihood of him getting unsupervised contact especially overnight is slim to none.
  1. You don't leave. You carry on subjectin your children to his abuse and eventually one of the children says something, or a professional notices something isn't right. Social Services become involved and you will have no evidence that you protected your children from abuse. You may lose them.
Wherehasmydevilcomefrom · 14/12/2016 16:10

Sorry xpost. Is there anyone you trust to maybe supervise visits?

I didn't have any evidence either but I still managed to get contact stopped through the courts as they use the whole picture ( your past, his past, what your children say if they're old enough).

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 14/12/2016 16:29

I honestly don't have any proof and I think he'd say I was the one who wouldn't be left alone with them. Then the poor children would be dragged through a horrible battle.

OP posts:
Foldedtshirt · 14/12/2016 16:31

As other posters have said, you could lose them- if as a family you're reported you haven't shown you can keep the children safe.
Call women aid.

wherearemymarbles · 14/12/2016 16:41

Tou dont need proof - its not like you're trying to convince a criminal court.

However womens aid will believe you, family courts will believe you, they see men like your partner all the time.

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 14/12/2016 16:43

But do they keep the children away? I don't think they do.

OP posts:
Foldedtshirt · 14/12/2016 16:45

If he is physical with you and rapés you, then you have a very good case for limited and supervised contact. But as I say I predict he won't be that fussed.

Rubyslippers7780 · 14/12/2016 16:55

Get in touch with women's aid. Get your stuff together including birth certificates/ passports and get out. It is scary and terrifying but this is horrendous - no one should live like this. Imagine if one of your dcs told you this was happening to them? What would you tell them?
Please don't put yourself at any more risk. Take care Flowers

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 14/12/2016 17:20

Yes, the children might be dragged through a horrible battle but at the end of that battle is light and a peaceful life.

If you stay where you are, there will never be an end to this. Ever. Unless he kills you.

I apologise for putting it so harshly but those are your choices: a struggle with an end or a struggle that doesn't ever end.

Please, please, please get in touch with Woman's Aid. They will believe you and they will support you.

StripedTulip · 14/12/2016 18:54

I think that you're sort-of over thinking this - or certainly second guessing stuff. Understandably, out of fear.

Can you just take it one step at a time? I'm a list maker, so here's a list

  1. Get you and the children somewhere safe.
  1. Report his rapes of you, and the violence, to the police.

Start the process. You will be OK, really you will.

Can you buy a cheap pay as you go phone?

Delete posting history.

Get copies of documents.ents.

[Flowers]

And breathe.

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 14/12/2016 20:09

Maybe I should think about it all in the new year. He hurt me last night but is now being mr loving and charming, and it's almost like last night was a bad dream.

OP posts:
BToperator · 14/12/2016 20:16

But it wasn't was it. It happened and will keep happening. Please call the police and report it, and get yourself and the DC to somewhere safe.

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 14/12/2016 20:18

I can't phone the police.

OP posts:
Rubyslippers7780 · 14/12/2016 20:30

Women's aid? As a first step?

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 14/12/2016 20:32

I hope I don't sound like a wimp but I don't know what they could do and I'm scared of having the children removed, if I feel I can't do anything now. In some ways it's easier to stick my head in the sand and pretend everything's okay (I'm not going to don't worry) but maybe I will till the new year. I don't know, it's so hard. He was so so loving before. I do still love him, in a way, but I hate him for fucking with my head so much.

OP posts:
rainbowlou · 14/12/2016 20:33

I worked for women's aid for a long time ...please call them.
They will believe you and will help you x

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 14/12/2016 20:35

I know they'd believe me - I'm just scared of being pushed into doing something, before I am really ready.

I'm trying to find as much proof as I can. I might see if any friends have emails or texts from me. But I doubt it, it would be going back years.

OP posts:
PollytheDolly · 14/12/2016 20:48

What the FUCK?!???

Of course you will be believed. Take that first step. Now.