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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How on earth can I keep us all safe?

994 replies

cherrycrumblecustard · 14/12/2016 16:00

I was going to make this post about "my friend" but honestly, I think I just need to be open about me.

How do you cope? When you live with someone who

will hit (not hard and not enough to bruise but will hityou and also shove, thump things near you and so on)
won't take no for an answer for sex, pulls your pants down as you pull them up, insists, ejaculates when you don't want them to and have asked/begged/pleaded not to
controls EVERYTHING

I need out, but I am TERRIFIED of leaving my children, our children, with him

OP posts:
CocktailQueen · 14/12/2016 22:00

Why can't you bring yourself to report him to then police for rapping you?

What if your Dd's partner was treating her the same way? What would you advise her? Stay? Or leave?

Your DC will be learning all about relationships from you and your dh.

myoriginal3 · 14/12/2016 22:02

How do you feel about him when he's hitting your children?

Do you feel sorry for him when he's pulling your knickers down?

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 14/12/2016 22:02

I'm a bit nervy around people like the GP. I don't feel I could talk to them. I think I'd prefer women's aid. Especially as I feel I'd want to talk to a woman. The GP has a duty of care, I need to take this st my own time.

Cocktail, I know, but it's so complex. I hate what he does, but I love him and I'd ruin his life.

OP posts:
Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 14/12/2016 22:02

He doesn't hit the children, I don't let him. It's just without me there I think he would.

OP posts:
FlouncedBack · 14/12/2016 22:03

Has he ever harmed the children OP?

cestlavielife · 14/12/2016 22:03

Why are you scared of getting him into trouble ?
What do you think will happen to him ?
Why is it ok for him to hurt you ?

OopsDearyMe · 14/12/2016 22:03

Cherry .. I know exactly how you feel! I cried buckets when I had to leave mine at the contact centre for the first time. But think of the alternative , they are living every day now with him, with all that you just said. Instead of 2 hrs twice a month. (What mine get) with someone watching his every move.

myoriginal3 · 14/12/2016 22:04

What about your life? Does it have less value?

astoldbyginger · 14/12/2016 22:04

He doesn't care about hurting you though, does he?

cestlavielife · 14/12/2016 22:04

If he was a nursery worker or teacher would you let your children be with him ?

FlouncedBack · 14/12/2016 22:05

Missed posts while I was typing.

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 14/12/2016 22:05

I think I've been in this situation for a long time. I can cope, it doesn't matter. But I know it's wrong.

OP posts:
OopsDearyMe · 14/12/2016 22:06

YOU would not be ruining his life ! HE is responsible for his own actions. NOT YOU!

astoldbyginger · 14/12/2016 22:07

You shouldn't have to just cope. You deserve to have a good life, to be happy.

myoriginal3 · 14/12/2016 22:07

Maybe tomorrow.

OopsDearyMe · 14/12/2016 22:09

Why should you cope? And what about the children? Should they also have to cope? I know its so hard to take that step. It was forced on me. I wavered for 2 years and I wish so much I hadn't. I could have saved my eldest so much heartache. Andi might be able to walk without a walker at 37.

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 14/12/2016 22:09

Logically I know but ... I'm just so scared, and scared he will twist things to make me sound at least as bad. Like in the early years of our relationship he used to love it if I sent him dirty texts. He's still got them. So it makes me sound like a kinky nymphomaniac even though they go back well over a decade.

OP posts:
myoriginal3 · 14/12/2016 22:11

Lol. There's nothing wrong with kinky texts!

Lweji · 14/12/2016 22:13

Cherry,

I left exH, my home, with DS and my handbag, in the middle of the day, and nothing else.
Yes, he got awful after I left, but because he couldn't get to me otherwise he ended up texting and emailing abuse, and acting abusive in front of witnesses.
He could also twist things and lie through his teeth.
I ended up giving my testimony in court last year, and you know what? I was believed. Even for things there was no other evidence of.

You can do it.

What is keeping you there now is the fear. It may seem like a big hurdle you have to climb now, and it may require every bit of strength you can muster, but it will be worth it. Really.

For your children too.

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 14/12/2016 22:13

He presents it as 'you say you don't want sex but look what you sent me.'

OP posts:
OopsDearyMe · 14/12/2016 22:14

I can hear that you may not be ready and can I please just say that none of the things I was so scared of happened.... NOT ONE and what I got was more than you can probably imagine now. All I can say is there is so much for you on he other side of this massive step so much more darling and please please think about all the things everyone here has said. We have been there, and we will do this with you. You are not alone and I know no one can walk through the door with you physically. Only you can do that. Even without knowing anything about you. We know you can do it. I will be around all day tomorrow and if you want to pm me I would be more than happy to talk to you and help however I can.

Lweji · 14/12/2016 22:15

Oh, and DS hasn't been left alone with exH since I left. He's since chosen to stop contact with his dad.

Quartz2208 · 14/12/2016 22:15

At the moment you want to protect you children and not hurt him. But you can't do both staying with him they see what is going on you can't protect them. The only way is to take steps and that does mean reporting him. Instigating then saying no is still rape and if he tries to show that he is winning your argument not his. He has made his choices you need to make yours. Yes the beginning will be hard it will be a battle but one you can win.

Lweji · 14/12/2016 22:16

Cherry, of course you wanted sex then.
You may even want sex now, sometimes. That doesn't mean you want it all the time, or that he doesn't force it.

AlwaysWashing · 14/12/2016 22:17

If this was happening to a friend what advice would you give her? It wouldn't be "Give it until the new year love, see if he does it again?".
If you found out there was a rapist living next door to you would you let your kids go anywhere near him? Of course you wouldn't?
Given the choice would you choose to bring your family up in a safe home, free of aggression, violence and manipulation or the one you are describing?
I understand you are scared but this is a nasty, nasty situation to be in for you, an adult, never mind as a child.
Be strong. Get out