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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How on earth can I keep us all safe?

994 replies

cherrycrumblecustard · 14/12/2016 16:00

I was going to make this post about "my friend" but honestly, I think I just need to be open about me.

How do you cope? When you live with someone who

will hit (not hard and not enough to bruise but will hityou and also shove, thump things near you and so on)
won't take no for an answer for sex, pulls your pants down as you pull them up, insists, ejaculates when you don't want them to and have asked/begged/pleaded not to
controls EVERYTHING

I need out, but I am TERRIFIED of leaving my children, our children, with him

OP posts:
Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 14/12/2016 22:43

I definitely am Oops. And I don't know. Maybe because it's been like this for so long I don't recognise it as bad any more, it just doesn't even register. It's just normal life.

OP posts:
OopsDearyMe · 14/12/2016 22:43

OK look how we believe you. Why , other than because he said , would people who deal with this day in day out not.
Why have we all been believed, has anyone told you they weren't?

Idrinkandiknowstuff · 14/12/2016 22:45

Honestly, I would kill him before I let him hurt my children. I know you probably don't believe that but I would.

Yeah, I said that, and I meant it. Still have the scars from where he turned the tables, as does my DD.

fusspot66 · 14/12/2016 22:45

Dear Cherry, if you have to leave quickly you may not have access to funds. Womens Aid are there for that. You can make a huge donation later when you get access to your money. Keep planning, keep thinking. Life sounds awful in your gilded cage.

OopsDearyMe · 14/12/2016 22:45

Because your numb to it? But he is doing it to the kids? As much as you desperately want to believe its not true. They are seeing their beloved mother being treated terribly, they feel the atmosphere, see your body language.

Sweets101 · 14/12/2016 22:46

I stayed as I was scared of him having the DC by himself. I actually thought he'did hurt then to hurt me and I had to stay to protect them. None of it was true, although it suited him that I believed it of course.
As it turns out he wouldn't fight for access anyway, and if he did the services I feared are actually alot more supportive then I thought.
You believe the things he wants you to believe because that is how he's trained you.

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 14/12/2016 22:47

Because I didn't love my mum I sometimes feel that they don't love me, because loving a mum isn't a concept I understand too well. I know I haven't made that point well. If I leave I have nothing except the children and that seems so unfair to them somehow.

OP posts:
OopsDearyMe · 14/12/2016 22:48

They also don't get to have the mummy who is free and happy, they see the sad and numb mummy. They mast even think it is normal, and either become him or you. Stop it now and teach them how not to allow others to treat them no matter who they may be.

mouldycheesefan · 14/12/2016 22:50

Op I know someone whose children lived in an abusive household for a short time, they were not abused but their mother was.. Maybe a year. Then they went to a refuge and were safe and rehoused and never saw the abusive adult again. The children seemed fine. But they aren't fine. They are young adults now. One self harms. One is often hospitalised. Has been sectioned. Has multiple issues. They are both in therapy. One will not fulfill her potential in life because of her issues. However all are luckier than another person they know who is dead due to DV. Abuser life sentence for murder.
PLEASE Get them out of there. You can limit the damage by getting you and them into a refuge. Don't let them grow up thinking this is what relationships are like. Make 2017 the year you free yourself of this tyranny. You and they deserve better. Whatever problems come along, they and you will be free.
Make that call. Get help. Get out. 💐

OopsDearyMe · 14/12/2016 22:52

Cherry... We are so similar, my mother's a narc. She is incapable of love. But you do love your children, you have proved that by trying to protect them in the only way you knew how. We are showing you a better way.
I'm struggling with that idea too. Kids deserve a family and you feel you are taking it away? Its an illusion. They don't have one either way. Not the one you want.

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 14/12/2016 22:52

That makes me feel like it's already too late to be honest.

OP posts:
CharlotteCollins · 14/12/2016 22:53

Women's Aid will not put any pressure on you at all. You can walk out - they will not cheer; you can go back - they will not frown. I found it a bit baffling: I wanted somebody to tell me what to do! Never mind, MN is good for that! Wink

Solicitors, too, can give you advice without any pressure. They're great at that. It is not really HIS money, after all. It is an asset of the marriage.

mouldycheesefan · 14/12/2016 22:53

If you leave with nothing but the children you are freeing them from violence, abuse, rape. What greater gift can a parent give a child? Than a life free of fear and desperation. A mum who is free, happy, safe, calm, able to look after them because she isn't living in fear.
That is a lot to give a child.
Everything else is icing on the cake.
Speak to someone. Get help. Get your kids the live they deserve. Don't let this continue. Xmas in a refuge isn't ideal, but it's a lot better than the Xmas you face currently.

mouldycheesefan · 14/12/2016 22:54

It's never too late to protect your children. Yours are young. They have many years of a potentially happy childhood ahead. Or many years of fear, shame, humiliation, anxiety, worry, stress.

balence49 · 14/12/2016 22:56

Im thinking of my friends, mainly school mums. And I can honestly say that I'd be horrified to find out any were in your situation, I would bend over backwards to help her and the children in any way I could. As would an awful lot of people. Please talk to them.
You need to get away from this man! Is he working tomorrow? Can you call women's aid for a chat?

OopsDearyMe · 14/12/2016 22:56

I read that wrong, you think they don't love you. They do you just don't know how to see it as you have never been shown. You have been told so much negativity that you have no self esteem or self worth and that parrot on your shoulder reinforces all the bad stuff over and over?
It lies.
You deserve love. You are loved. Those children love you. All they need is your love.

PurpleDaisies · 14/12/2016 22:57

That makes me feel like it's already too late to be honest.

How many years of awfulness will you be saving them from? Don't think of what's already happened-think of how things will be different for them in the future.

mouldycheesefan · 14/12/2016 23:00

It's never too late. Never. Make the call, just chat to someone in real life, get it all out. You could soon be free of this, able to build a new life. It's daunting yes but there are people out there ready to help you. Read the threads on here from women who have left and who have posted a year later about how their life has changed. Give your kids that opportunity.

CharlotteCollins · 14/12/2016 23:01

And the thing about WA is that they have all the information you need. They will tell you how likely it is that your DCs will have unsupervised contact, how best to avoid that happening, how best to protect them if they do.

The Freedom Programme is very good: have you done it? The week about the effects on the children of living with an abuser is difficult, very difficult. But it's vital to see just how much their lives are affected by it (even if shouting and hitting are never done in their sight), and to think how much better living away from abuse would be for them...

ohtheholidays · 14/12/2016 23:02

Please contact the Police and Womens aid they will believe you and he won't be allowed contact with your DC if you have the Bastard Prosecuted!

I know it's really hard I was in the same place myself ,what he's done to you is rape and you need to report him and make sure the bastard gets arrested.When it happened to me a husband couldn't be charged with raping his wife but it's different now!

You need to protect yourself and your DC now before it gets even worse and he could hurt you so badly one day that you won't be able to look after your DC.

StarryIllusion · 14/12/2016 23:04

Honey, you WILL be believed, I promise you that. How many people are on this forum? This, what do you all call it? Vipers nest? MN is quick to call bullshit on anything that sounds the least bit questionable. WE believe you. Police will be a doddle. What is unfair on the children is forcing them to witness their mum being bullied and abused on a daily basis. Do you want them to grow up thinking that is normal? How relationships are supposed to be? Do you want your son to think that this is how he should treat his future GF? Or your daughter to think this is how men should treat her and she should just let it happen? Set an example for them now and don't let this man, and I use the term loosely, walk all over you. As for ruining his life, fuck him! In your position, I would have ENDED his fucking life, he would soundly deserve it and no jury would convict me.

No part of him is lovely, what you are seeing is a front. Emotional manipulation. No lovely man could rape his DP or deliberately frighten you.

Please, Cherry just get out. Your life will be so much better and so will your kids lives. If you're not dead, it isn't too late.

dailymaillazyjournos · 14/12/2016 23:05

As others have said, your wealth or otherwise has no bearing here. DV happens regardless of status, wealth etc.
As others have also said, you have nothing to prove. Places like Women's Aid, police, GPs have enough knowledge and experience to know how abuse in all its forms presents itself in a victim. It's extremely common for abusers to turn the tables round and make you the one with the problem, make you the one who won't get to keep the kids, make you the one whose fault it all is. It's classic abusive behaviour.

You are doing really well to think about taking action. You do need to get the kids out of this environment. And you do need to start telling yourself you have every right to a calm, peaceful and safe life.

The only thing I bitterly regret in life is wasting 23 years in a shitty, abusive (emotionally and financially) and putting off leaving until the choice of leaving was less scary than the thought of staying. I can't now re-live those years again in happier circumstances. Please don't let that be you. My DD DID suffer and even in her 30's is highly anxious and doesn't have faith in herself. She deserved so much better and I failed her and hate myself for that.

Your partner will not get unsupervised access to your children unless he can prove he is a safe person for them to be around. Please do not worry about that.

You can be stronger than you ever thought possible. Trust me there. There are people on here who will be there to listen and help if they can. I wish MN had been around when i was married. I swear I'd have been able to find the courage to go far far sooner than i did.

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 14/12/2016 23:09

Is there a way of keeping him away from the children but him not being arrested or in any trouble? I do not want that.

OP posts:
Codeybear2015 · 14/12/2016 23:09

You need to contact womans aid they have safe houses , really nice places where you and your children will be safe until you can be rehomed and things sorted out womans aid will help you with everything , good luck hunny you and your kids dont deserve a life lije that x

CharlotteCollins · 14/12/2016 23:17

It's understandable that you don't want that.

But only he can make decisions about his behaviour. If he decides to act in such a way that means he should be arrested, then that is his responsibility. It would not be your fault. In fact, you would be doing him a kindness, by saying: that behaviour is criminal and you need to face the consequences. Obviously he would never see it like that.

Making you responsible for his behaviour is abusive. I know it's hard to get your head around.