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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How on earth can I keep us all safe?

994 replies

cherrycrumblecustard · 14/12/2016 16:00

I was going to make this post about "my friend" but honestly, I think I just need to be open about me.

How do you cope? When you live with someone who

will hit (not hard and not enough to bruise but will hityou and also shove, thump things near you and so on)
won't take no for an answer for sex, pulls your pants down as you pull them up, insists, ejaculates when you don't want them to and have asked/begged/pleaded not to
controls EVERYTHING

I need out, but I am TERRIFIED of leaving my children, our children, with him

OP posts:
LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 14/12/2016 23:19

Ah my love. I volunteered at Refuge for a year as a poor, working class lassie from the sticks and fully half the women I met there were middle class. One was proper posh - her ds told people they were living in a lovely hotel, but it was somewhat unusual to see so many other children there!

WA isn't for poor women - it's for all women. You have to talk to them. They'll be able to give you the legal advice you need.

CharlotteCollins · 14/12/2016 23:20

By the way, Women's Aid is not just about refuges. It's about support and getting answers you can trust to all your questions.

And refuges are for all who need them, and that is not decided by financial comfort. When you walk out of the environment which seems so normal to you, you will need time and support to recalibrate your idea of normal. That is what refuges do. It's so much more than a roof over your head.

OopsDearyMe · 14/12/2016 23:21

You can try and get a restraining order,but it has to be based on something. Simply being the resident parent you get the chance to make contact arrangements that you BOTH agree on. If you leave it will take months to get to court and this time you have no obligation to allow ANY contact at all. This will give yoyu space to get yourself stronger, clear headed and prepared. He will no doubt show his intentions by either fighting for contact or being the twat he is become another feckless father paying £5 a month in maintainance a month and ignoring DC. So you will no what approach to take in court. As I said depending on child's age carcass will get a full picture of what's happened and will advise the court in the best interests of the child.
None of this involves you prosecuting your H (No D allowed) unless you want to.

CharlotteCollins · 14/12/2016 23:21

X-post!

CocktailQueen · 14/12/2016 23:23

I know, but it's so complex. I hate what he does, but I love him and I'd ruin his life.

But HE is ruining YOUR life! Are you less worthy than he is? NO!

Is there a way of keeping him away from the children but him not being arrested or in any trouble? I do not want that.

But he is breaking the law. He is raping you. That is illegal. Rapists should be in prison. He could go on to do it to someone else...

But

dailymaillazyjournos · 14/12/2016 23:23

Can you try break this down into steps. The first being to phone Women's Aid asap and get help. Don't try and think of everything that you want to do and don't want to happen right now. Focus on getting yourself and the children out so that you are all safe and not fearful (or in the case of the children, not witnessing their DM living within an abusive relationship on a day to day basis.)

Don't try and second guess your partner right now. Give your energy to yourself and the children. The hardest step is the first. You aren't on your own. Women's Aid will help you and advise you. You and the children deserve so much better and so much more than this way of life.

OopsDearyMe · 14/12/2016 23:23

G'night all. Bed is calling. I will catch up with you Cherry and remember abt that parrot. Take care xxx

TheProblemOfSusan · 14/12/2016 23:26

I just wanted to chime in to say: I believe you, cherrycrumblecustard.
Other people will too. I'm so sorry he's so awful.

The only advicey thing I can think to say is - if for whatever reason you can't leave right now, then can you at least open a secret bank account and squirrel some LTB cash in there? You can do it without paperwork nowadays I think so statements just go to your email (or even a new email you've set up just for this).

nicenewdusters · 14/12/2016 23:43

Cherry - why don't you want him to face the consequences of his actions? You're having to face them, and so are your dc. What makes him so special? You and your dc are living in a house with a violent rapist. It's as simple as that. Being married to someone doesn't mean you can force them to have sex. Being somebody's parent doesn't mean you can force your dc to live in an atmosphere of fear and anxiety. He's not top of the tree, in charge, the head of the household. He's a common criminal who should be sitting in a police cell.

I'm currently watching a friend being screwed over by her cheating emotionally abusive partner. Most of their dc can't stand him, the household is chaotic, fraught, tense. He's managed to coerce her into marriage guidance. So she now has a chore chart - for the dc! Oh, but apparently he's doing a few things to. There's been some scary shit behind the scenes, I know some of it. She's been warned by her solicitor that some of what the dc have witnessed may call into question her ability to safeguard them. But she's minimising, sticking her head in the sand, denying, pretending. And her kids are suffering. Finances are really tight, this is one of the things keeping her there.

What's your breaking point?

Gazelda · 15/12/2016 07:45

Morning Cherry. Hope you've had a restful night. As Dailymail said upthread, can you try to think of one step at a time? Plan how you can get some time alone today to give Women's Aid a call? Each step you take will be a step closer to safety and happiness for you and your children.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 15/12/2016 08:09

There are threads every day on Relationships in which the poor poster is living a nightmare. As the poster describes what's been happening it's really, really common to hear that they have had terrible childhoods. Terrible childhoods lead to adults making crap choices of partner or tolerating treatment that others would not.

Sounds like your horrible marriage stems from your own damaged childhood. Please consider that if you don't have the courage to save yourself, you need to find the courage to protect your DC from growing up in this toxic family. They can learn better, more healthy, lessons but you will need to teach them.

cestlavielife · 15/12/2016 08:38

Realistically you cznt kerp him away from dc unless he is reported for his behaviour so you have to tell a solicitor women's aid etc.
And yes the best way is police for any violence.
It doesn't mean prison that depends...but for example I called police ex was arrested he admitted assault and damage to property he was given a warning it went on file so that meant it was evidence in court over contact. Which was supervised iniitially. And all that took many months.
My mistake was not reporting so many other incidents.
Change your mind set.what he does is wrong.
The consequences are his problem

Get finances so you have your own money
Speak to womens aid
Make a plan

cestlavielife · 15/12/2016 08:40

You are responsible for yourself and for dc.
Take action for them

StripedTulip · 15/12/2016 08:59

Thinking of you Cherry - hope you're able to start thinking things through. Just take a small step, instead of thinking "what if, what if?"

Your husband has abused you for so long, you think it's normal (Is that what they call Stockholm syndrome?)

We believe you. I believe you.

stayathomegardener · 15/12/2016 09:04

If you have no evidence start by documenting it now. Send him a text outlining how he hurt you last night and many times previously and tell him never to do that again, draw your line in the sand.
I would then leave and report him to the police should anything further happen.
Obviously if this course of action would put you at serious risk of violence then please ignore.

Lweji · 15/12/2016 09:22

Cherry, most courts and judges have seen these men before. You can make them believe with your testimony if nothing else is available.

cestlavielife · 15/12/2016 09:48

it is best to leave first then do what stayathome suggests.

he is a violent man.
be careful.

LunaJuna · 15/12/2016 10:13

If you tell Woman's Aid, wouldn't they support you though court for evidence? Get it started now!

I do get your fear of people not believing you. Abusers can be very good at concealing and manipulating and to people outside, he's a perfect husband.... but really, does it matter what people think? Not at all!
The family court will believe you and that's what matters.
And whoever is your real friend will stand by you.

Lweji · 15/12/2016 10:19

I suspect you'll find that when you get rid of that nasty man that many people around you will tell you they never really liked him. Or that they noticed something was off.

dailymaillazyjournos · 15/12/2016 11:49

Lweji that's just what happened to me. My brother told me my late Mum never trusted my H. My Mum was the kindest, sweetest accepting person. I bloody wish she'd have said something before we got married. And my friends said they thought he was weird and dominated every conversation and that he talked complete crap!

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 15/12/2016 15:57

I have tried to ring women's aid but can't get through. I guess they are busy this time of year?

OP posts:
Lemonylemon · 15/12/2016 16:04

Just keep ringing.... and ringing... and ringing until you get an answer from them. xx

myoriginal3 · 15/12/2016 16:04

Keep trying them.

Lweji · 15/12/2016 16:06

I think you can also email them, so they ring you back.

Gazelda · 15/12/2016 16:10

Keep trying Cherry. You might well feel some relief when you've spoken with them. they won't go faster or further than you are comfortable with, but will offer support for you to move towards a much better future for you and your DC.
It's going to be tough, but I'm sure you know in your heart of hearts that it's what you need to do. And the benefits of a life of freedom will be your payback.