How on earth can I keep us all safe?

[cherrycrumblecustard]

I was going to make this post about "my friend" but honestly, I think I just need to be open about me.

How do you cope? When you live with someone who

will hit (not hard and not enough to bruise but will hityou and also shove, thump things near you and so on)
won't take no for an answer for sex, pulls your pants down as you pull them up, insists, ejaculates when you don't want them to and have asked/begged/pleaded not to
controls EVERYTHING

I need out, but I am TERRIFIED of leaving my children, our children, with him

I know I'll be believed by women's aid. That's not what I'm saying.

If, when we split, we have children. And the courts say they have a right to a relationship with their dad and he has a right to a relationship with them.

So EOW and maybe an evening in the week I have to hand over my children to a man who I know favours physical chastisement, has repeatedly refused to let me say no to sex, has done things I can't even go into here. Can people understand why I'm frightened of this?

no - the courts say children have a right to a relationship with their dad if it is safe.

Family courts grant injunctions every day. they then go on to consider how the children can be kept safe during contact. Most women don't have any evidence except their own word of what happened. They get injunctions. they get orders that contact can only take place when it is supervised.

Why do you think he'll get access unsupervised?

You don't have to do anything. Don't panic.

You've made an important first step by posting here. This means you are questioning.

Your children will not be taken from you at any stage. Despite what he might say.

You should have a chat to Woman's Aid soon, in the next day or so. Just talk. And listen. And think .

Be calm, prepare quietly, listen to them.

What comes next is big, there's no disguising it.

You need essential documents such as birth certificates and passports for you and your children.

Bank statements if possible, your driving license, your vehicle documents if you have one.

It's a good idea if you have easy access to documents to note the suppliers of mortgage, pensions providers and utilities.

Woman's Aid will advise your next steps. You may need to go into a safe house (he won't know your whereabouts) with your children until accommodation can be found.

You will be safe, your children will be safe.

You should do something

Well done for posting.

But trav there's nothing he's done I can prove. In fact he's got a few things he can use against me. I've nothing for him, he covers his tracks , he is clever.

If he is granted any contact it will be supervised contact in a contact centre, not contact on his own with the children, because he is abusive and violent.

Please speak to the police and women's aid as soon as you safely can. Almost all abused women with children have these fears. You cannot stay with him though. You are not safe and nor are your children.

Be strong. You can do it.

But Agatha I don't think that's right.

Yes, you all know because I've told you and you all believe me (thank you!) but I don't think the world is like that. He's got old phones with texts on, he will say I wanted it. He will say I instigated sex then said I didn't. He will deny having smacked me. He will deny everything and he's unbelievably good at twisting stuff.

There's new legislation about coercion and control. For the Cps to prosecute they just need a lof of dates, times and details of the incident.
You won't need bruises.

Are you free enough to make an appointment with police to discuss?

Are you free enough to phone women's aid?

I hate myself for being so weak but I couldn't report him to the police, I just couldn't bring myself to do that to him.

A log not lof

How would you feel about simply getting away safely with your children?

You're not weak. I hear a strong woman fighting.

He hurt you last night
So call women's aid
Talk it thru
Report to police or tell your gp.

You don't have to hand over your children until he has been to court. That takes time.

That gives you time.
Poss scenario..you leave he gets angry comes after you . You report report and report again. Let someone witness his anger. That gives you the evidence.

Your children are already being subjected to horrific emotional abuse at the hands of their father.

How can it be okay to stay, no matter what your fears?

Get out. Things might not be easy or smooth but you cannot stay, it is not fair on you but it is also fucking up their heads.

It's not your fault, but you can try and do something about it.

I would like to get away
I do have a fantasy of waiting until he's working a long day and running away with the children.

But the thing is, I'm scared of him doing MORE damage out of the marriage than in it. Can anyone understand that?

I can. That's why you need professional services involved. Police are the best tbh. They see this all the time.

I don't know what they could do and I'm scared of having the children removed, if I feel I can't do anything now. In some ways it's easier to stick my head in the sand and pretend everything's okay

You're overthinking this, and making erroneous assumptions. Understandably - you're being abused, you're not thinking straight, because you're being abused.

And you're in far more danger of having your children removed if you keep your head in the sand. But people working for Social Services try everything they an before removing children from their mother - unless it's their mother who's harming them.

You are not actively harming your children, but you could be seen as passively damaging them by not taking action to remove them from a home full of violence.

Classic procrastination, leaving it until the New Year.

Your husband is an abusive criminal - what he is doing to you is illegal, criminal, and wrong. Don't feel you have to excuse or minimise it.

Please look after yourself. You are SO WORTH IT!!!

Your life has value too.

Plus he's a rapist.

I understand your fear, I just dont think think it's a good enough reason. Listen to the huge number of people giving you advice who probably have experience of the criminal justice and social care systems. If there is any risk to your children, they will not be left alone with him.

How old are your children? Are they able to speak out to back up your story?

Technically I know he us but the situation is more nuanced than that.

So EOW and maybe an evening in the week I have to hand over my children to a man who I know favours physical chastisement, has repeatedly refused to let me say no to sex, has done things I can't even go into here. Can people understand why I'm frightened of this?

But it won't be EOW. Really.

I know it's just a story, but have a look at the BBC radio soap opera, the Archers. There's been a rivetting story line about a character who was being abused: her husband raped her & did violence to her just short of bruising or leaving marks.

It's caled "coercive control" and It IS ILLEGAL. PLease believe us that people will believe you.

You do not need to prove anything. He will have to prove he is safe not the other way round.I can tell you this because I have spent 6 years in court with my emotionally abusive X . I had no proof of anything it was my word against his. Your children will be looked after by a group called carcass. They will not allow any child to be put at risk and remember you might think he is clever but these people know all the tricks and they know an abuser just by sense.
I know the world looks bleak and he has done an excellent job convincing you that you have no way out. You do! Look at your babies and know what they deserve. You CAN give that to them. Give yourself what you deserve too.

Striped I know you'll think I'm pathetic but I'm scared of hurting him and getting him into trouble.

Do you have a supportive GP or Health Visitor? Maybe you could make an appointment with them, taking the children with you, and hand them a note with some of this written down.

I've done this before, and my GP called a nurse in, who took my son for 5 minutes to get a drink and a book to look at so I could talk in private. A decent doctor would be able to talk you through some options, allow you to contact Women's Aid etc from the surgery, and start an official record in your medical notes.

Good luck. Even if the thought of leaving is too much at the moment, telling someone what's going on is a big first step.