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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How on earth can I keep us all safe?

994 replies

cherrycrumblecustard · 14/12/2016 16:00

I was going to make this post about "my friend" but honestly, I think I just need to be open about me.

How do you cope? When you live with someone who

will hit (not hard and not enough to bruise but will hityou and also shove, thump things near you and so on)
won't take no for an answer for sex, pulls your pants down as you pull them up, insists, ejaculates when you don't want them to and have asked/begged/pleaded not to
controls EVERYTHING

I need out, but I am TERRIFIED of leaving my children, our children, with him

OP posts:
Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 14/12/2016 22:17

Oops that's just so lovely of you. Thank you.

Quartz I'm starting to see that, I just want everything to have minimal pain to everybody really. I know it must sound insane that I want to protect this violent man but that's only a part of him, he's so much more.

OP posts:
Patriciathestripper1 · 14/12/2016 22:21

Get a hidden camera and get evidence from that.

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 14/12/2016 22:21

didn't think of that ...

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 14/12/2016 22:24

He is "more " because that's how manipulative controlling men work. .. abusive men are not like that all the time.
Of course there is a "good" side. .the side that drew you in...
But it does not make the aggressive side ok.

Idrinkandiknowstuff · 14/12/2016 22:24

This is going to sound really harsh, but I've been there, I know how you feel, and this reasoning is what finally gave me the nudge I needed, so;

There's two possibilities here, possibility 1, he is capable of hurting your children. How would you stop that? seriously, think about this, if he started hitting one of your children what would you do? What could you do? You've already said you can't stop him harming you, so how could you protect your children if he turned on them? Answer, you can't, so get them as far away from him as you fucking can.

Possibility 2 is that he's one of the fabled mumsnet "brilliant fathers" who won't hurt his kids but will kick seven bells out of their mother. If you truely believe this, then you have nothing to worry about if you leave and he has occasional contact.

My money is on option one. So what are you waiting for, get the hell out! Ring woman's aid, tell anyone and everyone what he is like and fuck the consequences for him. I left nearly 30 years ago aged 19 with a nearly three year old, zero family support, just the clothes on our backs, nowhere to go and in a time when DV was largely ignored, and unmarried teenage mothers were vilified. Best decision of my life.

Sorry if this is harsh, but please, please, please, get out with your kids, for their sake.

PurpleDaisies · 14/12/2016 22:25

cherry please don't it yourself in danger trying to gather evidence that this man is hurting you. Please try and get out to somewhere safe for you and your children.

cestlavielife · 14/12/2016 22:25

And it could only tale one push or shove mismanaged to kill you or severely injure a child. Why put up with that risk ?

balence49 · 14/12/2016 22:27

Have you any real life support? Family, friends?

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 14/12/2016 22:30

I don't really have anyone. A handful of friends, mostly other mums.

Honestly, I would kill him before I let him hurt my children. I know you probably don't believe that but I would.

OP posts:
OopsDearyMe · 14/12/2016 22:30

Cherry... Its a lot to think about. But I don't know how old your child(ren) are or details. But you could get in touch with you local shelter through any or all these people with a simple note stating that you need women's aid. No details required. Health visitor, GP, Nurse, teachers, children's centre staff member, local councils helpdesk member, religious leader, playgroup leader,

Gowgirl · 14/12/2016 22:31

Take a very deep breath cherry, I've seen your other posts.
All journeys start with a single step, breathe, read the advice here and start collecting advice and paperwork.

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 14/12/2016 22:33

Can I admit though, that we are rich?

It's DHs money. But still. It's not like I'd be leaving with nothing. In some ways it might be easier if I had to flee with nothing but as it is I'm taking them FROM something. It's a complex situation but in any case the point is I'd feel a total fraud showing up on the doorstep of somewhere for poor, poor women who really have nothing and me with my pampered little middle class life. That's always been the problem. I grew up in a family where they couldn't look after me but because we were a nice middle class family no one intervened.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 14/12/2016 22:34

It doesn't matter whether you're rich or poor-women's aid will still help you. You're being abused. You shouldn't stay.

OopsDearyMe · 14/12/2016 22:35

Sorry but please DO NOT attempt to stay and gain evidence, as Patricia suggests. You do not need it. It is not the right situation to do this.

It could cause more harm than good.

It is better that you remove yourself and the children as soon as you can.

BestZebbie · 14/12/2016 22:35

In the short term, is there any way that you can get on contraception that he can't interfere with, such as getting a hormone injection at the GP? Would you need to fake a reason for you to take a child to the GP to ask for this (they may not do it on the same appt. as you walk in)?

JigglyTuff · 14/12/2016 22:36

Your choice is that you hurt your children or you hurt him. You are the person who can protect them, who can give them the lives they deserve. They really tektites MG on you to do that.

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 14/12/2016 22:36

I've got the injection, thank you for that, it's excellent advice.

OP posts:
JigglyTuff · 14/12/2016 22:37

They are relying on you to do that. Not sure what that autocorrect nonsense was.

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 14/12/2016 22:38

Rather worryingly, I knew exactly what you meant - I wonder if autocorrect is forming a different sort of English?!

OP posts:
OopsDearyMe · 14/12/2016 22:38

Sweetheart, its irrelevant. Rich or poor this happens. The help is not just about practical things, although you may need a bit oif advice in regards to that. Its about getting out. Being around those who get what you are dealing with because they are too. Your bank balance really isn't an issue.

DeepanKrispanEven · 14/12/2016 22:39

I couldn't report him to the police, I just couldn't bring myself to do that to him.

Even if it means he's arrested for multiple rape and you get him out of the house and away from your children?

PostTruthBreakdown · 14/12/2016 22:40

I bet your kids would rather be safe and loved and poor than rich but knowing they were not fully safe. If he's shouty and bangs / throws things in front of them they won't feel safe even if he hasn't hit them yet.

You do not need proof to just leave a relationship you're not happy with. Prepare as others said, then go, with your kids. Send him one message to that effect (once you're out) then turn your phone off for a few days.

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 14/12/2016 22:41

I don't know. I genuinely feel like no one would believe me, outside of this thread.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 14/12/2016 22:41

So get money to your account.
And rent a place.
You don't need to be in a refuge long term if you have access to money.
You can also pay a lawyer.

OopsDearyMe · 14/12/2016 22:41

I am feeling that you are in the, he can do whatever to me at least that means he's not doing it to the children.
Why is it OK to do it to you?