How on earth can I keep us all safe?

[cherrycrumblecustard]

I was going to make this post about "my friend" but honestly, I think I just need to be open about me.

How do you cope? When you live with someone who

will hit (not hard and not enough to bruise but will hityou and also shove, thump things near you and so on)
won't take no for an answer for sex, pulls your pants down as you pull them up, insists, ejaculates when you don't want them to and have asked/begged/pleaded not to
controls EVERYTHING

I need out, but I am TERRIFIED of leaving my children, our children, with him

Errrr sorry for the post being mega long

Morning cherry. Excellent post above. You often say that you're not affected by it but like she says rape comes in so many different forms and no one deserves ownership of your body like that, even if you say it doesn't bother you too much.

You said yesterday that this is definitely your last Christmas with him and you regret having children with him. Did he do something in particular yesterday or are you just picking up on his behaviour more now?

You put yourself down a lot, which is so normal as you've been ground down so many years. But look how many people care for you here. You seem like a lovely person and you're so protective of your children and you are a good mum. We are all rooting for you. Hope your Boxing Day is calm xxx

Like Bertie, I am usually calm assured.
But I could scream like a banshee when with exH. He drove me mad, particularly with his attempts at gaslighing.

And I have a friend who I think has several mostly vague health problems because of her still husband and her mother. Now her daughter too, who treats her like everyone else does in the family.
In find it heartbreaking.

It's amazing how much support and advice one person can get on a thread like this and posters share their truly awful experiences and show that life can be so much better once decisions have been made.
Your husband does not sound in the slightest bit loving. My marriage is far from perfect but never would my DH not accept it if I didn't want sex. I'm sure he feels incredibly frustrated by me but he never ever speaks badly to me or acts in a way that shows disrespect. That's what a good man is.

It sounds like you got into a very negative pattern early in your marriage and now you are older you realize it's not a "normal" marriage. When a poster says your story about the phone is unusual, it's not an attack on you, it simply points out your behavior is a bit strange too. Having to manipulate your DH to get a phone fixed is unusual.

My sister left her abusive husband after 13 years of him being a total dickhead. He wasn't physically abusive, he was emotionally and financially, but he was also an alcoholic gambler. He disguised his abuse very well but we as her family could see right though it, just as your family can too. She has kids 7 and 12 yr old girls and the 7 yr old doesn't miss him one bit, the older does but she can see him with supervised visits. It was the worst thing when she left and she had to get an intervention order and lots of trips to court but 18months on, she is a different person, back to the woman we all know she once was.
You only get one life, be strong and make good choices. Listen to people on here, some of these people are amazing.

I do really appreciate every single post. Don't think I don't. I do.

MrsA, I guess, I do think of that as different because him forcing sex doesn't bother me. I'm well aware it should. But it doesn't. I think maybe because we both fulfill(ed) a need in one another and those needs were different, I needed someone to love me, he needed an outlet for his sexual fantasies, I guess. I don't mean that's all I was. But I mean I think I always knew that was one of my purposes.

Bertie I'm going to read those threads properly, I started to this morning but DD woke up. Although I only scanned through the the first, I think, I can see a lot of parallels.

Typed, I don't know, it's the last Christmas as things are but what that's going to look like in reality I don't know. Over the last two weeks since starting this thread my mind has gone from 'I can't possibly leave, ever, never, it's impossible' to 'I can't stay and live like this, never, ever, it's impossible.'

Ive actually put up with even more than I've gone into on here because - why? Because I lack confidence in my parenting is one big reason. I have always felt that my children will grow up and resent me/hate me/pity me/be critical of me. He knows this. Leaving seems too much of a decision somehow, it's like something they can hark back to and say 'she left and this was the wrong thing to do and it fucked up our childhoods,' but then they could also say that about staying, I know. But staying is more passive. I don't know if that makes sense. Also when I stay they are materially pampered at least. Not just toys and things but extra curricular activities and holidays and experiences and own bedrooms, lovely home, garden, option of private school if needed in the future.

Before he died I said to my brother I'd have swapped all the luxuries of my upbringing - the expensive holidays and private school and all that - I'd have swapped it in an instant for a normal loving cuddly mum and he said 'I would ... But I am glad we did all that.' So presumably he was not happy but still didn't feel normal family life was worth swapping Alton towers and lavish holidays and guitar lessons and all that for.

And then I also stay because yes, not flattering for me but truth is when I was younger I liked being in a relationship with someone so obviously clever, and maybe a bit full of it sometimes but clearly he was intelligent, and he liked me. That made me feel good. I don't think anyone else would ever want me and even if they did, the children. I don't want to make them hate me by moving a man in who isn't their dad. But at the same time if I don't and I probably wouldn't, they might pity me. 'Poor mum she has never had a relationship, it's sad, I don't want her for Christmas but otherwise she'll be sat there on her own.' I wouldn't care actually but that's not the point.

Then I think they might love me anyway because I love them. It took a while in one case but when it was there it was there. My DD had a ballet 'show" and she did everything wrong, bless her, but I just adored it and her anyway because she was mine and because it was just her. And I think maybe I'm not my mum because she wanted me to be this, and that, and I wasn't, but with my own children, I don't care who they are or what they are. Well mass murderers I might draw a line at! But I just hope they don't stop loving me.

This is a very gushy post.

It is horrendously self indulgent if I do start a new thread?

At first I had to beg him for sex Again, you begging him for sex puts HIM firmly in control of you! HE decided when you had sex, not you. Only him "making" you beg looks like YOU decided when it happened.

He still decides. Only, you get no say AT ALL now. Because that makes him feel more powerful than making you beg. Maybe you begging got boring for him..so he had to up the ante, or you stopped begging, so he had to think of another way to control sex...

Which is probably why he does the "you love this" because you used to beg him, and anyone who has begged for sex must love it, and you saying no, you don't, is just him riding over your feelings, because he can. Because he used to make you beg for sex!

He IS dangerous, op.
I think if you could see what actually happens you might not call it rape He has sex with you when you don't want it, when you have said no. There is NO other way to describe it. Sex, without consent is rape. Relenting is NOT consenting.

because him forcing sex doesn't bother me. I'm well aware it should. But it doesn't. I think maybe because we both fulfill(ed) a need in one another and those needs were different, I needed someone to love me You think him raping you is showing you love, op? Because it isn't. Rape is him proof of control over you!

his, not him

"I think I always knew it was one of my purposes".

No. You have told yourself this as way to cope with what is happening to you. Nobody on earth is born with one of their purposes being a sexual plaything for anyone. If, within the realms of a normal and loving sexual relationship, there is an understanding (maybe submissive/dominance etc) then perhaps I could understand your language as being resonant of a submissive pleasing her dominant. This isn't the case though. To cope and survive, we resort to many tactics - yours is definitely to accept it and put up as little resistance as possible.

Where you also speak about the luxuries your current family setting provides for your children, & think you know that deep down, the material facade is just that - a facade. The way you have taught yourself to behave and react to your husband is what your children pick up on and no matter how much you feel you may hide things from them, they will still sense it. You are not a bad parent. You are going through such shit and trying your hardest to keep putting up with it to give your kids a comfortable life. However, the scars from years and years of emotional abuse, financial abuse and rape run deep and your children will keep picking up on it.

Imagine you leave your husband. They may not understand why Mummy has left, they may not understand why daddy is the way he is. They may go through a phase of blaming you. In the grand scheme of things, I am sure that your children will grow up and prefer to have a LOVING parent figure who is not living in fear and go without nice holidays etc, instead of the possible guilt that all of the lovely things they grew up with were all because their mum put up with years and years of abuse at the hands of their dad. I sure as hell know that had I been even 7 or 8 years old and noticed or realised that my mum was raped and made to feel like you do a bit yourself for the sake of a naice life, I wouldn't want it.

Thank you, I did start a new thread I hope no one minds

Your deep underlying assumption that your children don't/won't love, like or care for you is puzzling.

What is your relationship like with them now?

Fine but he can change that

How?

You think they prefer him? Or that the person holding the purse strings commands the affection too? Or something else?

Because I don't love myself, really, so I don't expect them to. That's the short answer.

Well yes that would explain what is clearly likely to be a mistaken belief.

Your DB sounds unusually materialistic, BTW, and perhaps wasn't fully able to engage with the hypothetical idea that there is another - much better - thing that you could have had instead of material comfort.

It could be his coping mechanism to be quite invested in thinking the "deal" you has in childhood wasn't at all bad.

I've read everything you have said. All I want to add is to ask you to look at the title of your thread and ask you to reflect on the words. You wanted to know how to keep you all safe. At some place inside you felt you and your children were not safe.

Be happy, be strong, be safe

Cherry - I hope you have had a good Christmas and that your DC's enjoyed themselves?

Going forward I think you need to decide whether you are prepared to continue to exist in a marriage of physical, emotional and financial cruelty, some of which amounts to criminal acts or whether you are going to use the resources available to help you start a new life - Women's Aid, the police, solicitors and other support organizations. Only you can take this step. Good luck and I hope you have a much better 2017.

I will see you on your new thread :) New start.

Bertie you're amazing I read your thread or some of the, xx