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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex has done it again - 3rd time

262 replies

Pisssssedofff · 03/12/2016 13:14

Basically if the kids and I or he and I have a falling out. Ex basically spends an entire week/weekend/day telling them how awful I am, how right they are and how they'd be better off living with him. And then they say great can we ? And he says no back you go to live with pissed. DD3 ended up in hospital last time tranquilised.
So I've said no this time, no more fucking with their heads. You've said they ought to be living with you then you bloody well keep them.
It's all going to hit the fan I pressume when they go to school on Monday. 4 years this has been going on I've no more fight left in me I just want him to keep them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 03/12/2016 13:16

I should eldest and youngest refused to stay with him, they came back with me, had a complete melt down at the thought of staying with him. Two DD's are with him now at the new girlfriends house.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 03/12/2016 13:18

How old are they? Do you have a formal agreement about residence and all that?

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 03/12/2016 13:23

Yeah they live with me. Aged 12 and 14.
I've made the 14 year old stay to look after the 12 year old because I dread to think what state she will be in if he had her alone.
He called the police last night to come to the house to collect their clothes etc. I refused. Police went away.

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Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 03/12/2016 13:24

My 6 year old did not need to see that though, police knocking at the door at 8.30pm at night. Why not just calmly take them home ?

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Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 03/12/2016 13:27

I'm just starting to feel like if I withdraw the fuel, ie me would he just have to get on with it and they'd have a more peaceful life

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Mintychoc1 · 03/12/2016 13:37

It sounds a horrible situation for your poor kids. And such a waste of police time to run errands collecting clothes. Presumably if you want him to keep the kids then you'll arrange for clothes to be transferred?

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 03/12/2016 13:39

I just don't know what to do for the best for them. The school will contact me on Monday to ask what the fuck is going on. I don't know what to say

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Bauble16 · 03/12/2016 13:54

Well shouldn't he have their clothes? Why send the police. Your poor DC.

dailymailarecunts · 03/12/2016 13:58

It sounds horrendous but you can't just say keep them, your kids need you to be their stability - especially if their dad is playing mind games. I say this as a single parent too, I know how hard it is.

Goingtobeawesome · 03/12/2016 14:02

Do you want your kids with you or not?

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 03/12/2016 14:04

He didn't ask me he just sent the police round. He shouldn't have their clothes because he shouldn't have the kids really.

The trouble with me bring their stability is that every 12 months he does this and it takes almost 12 months for them to recover, I don't know how much more any of us can take. In my mind he either keeps them or NC this just can't continue

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Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 03/12/2016 14:07

I don't want them destroyed and that is happening to the 12 year old she's a bag of nerves and anxiety already. The 14 year old has no confidence what so ever. I just can't understand why if I ask for support he can't just support me without the need for all this

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Goingtobeawesome · 03/12/2016 14:10

So he won't support you, is rubbish with the kids. He has no reason to change. He likes the responses from you. You have to change. Your kids don't deserve more crap and he shouldn't have had a second chance if they are that badly effected.

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 03/12/2016 14:13

The court gave him a second chance. Not me

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Butterymuffin · 03/12/2016 14:17

Well if it's been to court, what contact did the court say he should have? Stick with that. Don't entertain the idea of them living with him if you know he's so bad at parenting.

Ohdearducks · 03/12/2016 14:17

But your poor children are stuck in the middle of this probably feeling that nobody wants them?!
If he's not suitable to be around your 6 year old without the supervision of your 14 year old he's not fit to have them at all, please go and get them!
When he's being a prick you need to be the one showing consistency and stability for them not letting them be pawns in this situation.
I've no doubt he bad mouths you to them but you can't just dump them there to get back at him, if you have genuine concerns report him to SS and refuse access, let him take you to court.

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 03/12/2016 14:21

It's not a case of getting back at him, it's more a case of fucking with their heads. The 12 year old wants to live with him, she wasn't a the attention thinks weekend visits would be like that full time if only she lived with her dad .... I actually can't go and get them I have no idea where they are and they aren't answering their phones

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Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 03/12/2016 14:22

Vitally word missing there. I meant more a case of not fucking with their heads. My 14 year old was hyper ventilating apparently in his car, I just don't want this for them

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tipsytrifle · 03/12/2016 14:27

Is there any way that you can withdraw from any co-parenting relationship with him? By which I mean making it impossible for him to argue and row by you going NC with him other than details for collect/return - which could be done by email maybe? It's difficult because the dc are already suffering but would it be better/worse or stabilised for them if you did the good parenting while he continued to make an abysmal mess of it? I truly don't know. It depends on how abysmal he actually is; maybe the dc would adapt to the different standards better than this destructive emotional abuse that's being inflicted on you and them?

Is there an official set-up for his time with them? If not maybe there should be? I truly don't know, just trying to think of something other than forcing them to go to him full time when you know full well that they'll be crying to come home to you. Or ruined completely one way or another. I'm so sorry for the hell you're going through. He's an abusive arse.

I'm wondering if you should get some legal advice. I totally get that after 4 yrs of this you've more than had enough.

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 03/12/2016 14:31

tipsytrifle that's how it's been for the past 12 months until Friday morning. Big row with 12 year old over a piece of broccoli ... Asked him to pick her up from school to give us both some space .... Got a text from him to say she was thinking about whether she wanted to return home of not and she would let me know - a 12 year old will let me know - so I did fucking loose it and said sounds like she'd be better with you then

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Goingtobeawesome · 03/12/2016 14:33

If he has been like this for four years after the court gave him a second chance then it's more than time to start fixing that mistake.

A bad childhood can fuck up a person for life.

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 03/12/2016 14:38

No it's 12 months since the court gave him a second chance - well kind of, they didn't hear the whole story because what happens is if you don't fight it the court doesn't need to hear it so they dont. He dragged me to court, made me going through all the social services checks etc then dropped it. Twice he's done that. It just screws with her head.

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tipsytrifle · 03/12/2016 14:51

Apologies about the four years error, though I guess he's been an abusive arse for that long at least. If he's screwing with dc minds to create all this shit then maybe it's time to see what your options are about them going to his place? It seems like he isn't going to just shut his mouth and be a father during his time with them. He's still at war with you but playing it out through the dc - as you know. Unsoddingbelieveable, isn't it?

JanetStWalker · 03/12/2016 14:58

Is this, not talking directly to someone else's child, a relatively new concept?

I don't recall getting that memo Hmm

JanetStWalker · 03/12/2016 14:58

Wong thread sorry, please ignore.