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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex has done it again - 3rd time

262 replies

Pisssssedofff · 03/12/2016 13:14

Basically if the kids and I or he and I have a falling out. Ex basically spends an entire week/weekend/day telling them how awful I am, how right they are and how they'd be better off living with him. And then they say great can we ? And he says no back you go to live with pissed. DD3 ended up in hospital last time tranquilised.
So I've said no this time, no more fucking with their heads. You've said they ought to be living with you then you bloody well keep them.
It's all going to hit the fan I pressume when they go to school on Monday. 4 years this has been going on I've no more fight left in me I just want him to keep them.

OP posts:
BumDNC · 03/12/2016 21:29

You do feel something. You feel resentful and you resent the kids and they know you do. This is why they behave badly

angryangryyoungwoman · 03/12/2016 21:30

I'm trying to help you but you have ignored my question....

ddrmum · 03/12/2016 21:31

OP you seem to be in a bad place. I strongly suggest that you get counselling and/or family therapy for yourself & all your DC. Will SS provide any support for the family? You can go to your GP or call them. Better you do it before the school does especially if you've been involved with them before.
The last person you can rely on in a crisis is a parent who you can't co-parent with - believe me I know & I'd chew my own leg off before asking exh for anything. I'm fighting tooth & nail to get my DS home (he's 12) so that he is safe in a place where he is loved and valued. Currently his father has convinced him that I am beyond evil after refusing to return him after contact. It's soul destroying but I'll keep going eventhough there are times when I don't think I can carry on as I also have younger DC to care for.
None of us actively sought to be single parents and many have little or no support from the childrens fathers. This is not unique.
You do need to take a step back as both of you are doing immense harm to your DC - can you imagine feeling so unwanted at an already difficult time? No one knows where they stand & clearly they are unsettled & unhappy. More important than anything, they need to feel safe & loved wherever they live.

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 03/12/2016 21:33

angryangryyoungwoman - I'm sorry I don't want to answer your questions

OP posts:
Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 03/12/2016 21:35

ddrmum - last time we had SS round, the shite they focused on was unbelievable and the issues I wanted help with they basically said suck it up. They wouldn't "do" anything they'd give them to him. He's not a criminal or anything they'd go to their dad

OP posts:
BumDNC · 03/12/2016 21:40

Is the stuff you want realistic? A holiday? I mean that's not top of the list for social workers. They need to do what's best for the kids who are reliant on their parents whereas you are a fully autonomous adult so the pressure is unfortunately on you to work hard and make all the sacrifices

angryangryyoungwoman · 03/12/2016 21:41

Fair enough, I'll give my advice based on what I see.
You are lurching from emotional highs to lows and this is being expressed through your lifestyle. You need to get professional help, at least counselling, to help yourself.
As for your children, they deserve stability. If you feel you could achieve that with help, commit to help, and to them, and get on with it before they are damaged by this current situation.
If you don't feel in a place to get help, which considering your defensiveness, seems likely, then make sure that you make arrangements for them asap, either with their dad or through the appropriate services.

BumDNC · 03/12/2016 21:45

Agree with above post
You don't want to hear it but you are the only one who can make there changes and you will have to go without things you want sometimes. Working on building better relationships with kids and ex would take you miles further than this dramatic mess. You focus on the wrong things and make impulsive decisions - your emotions guide you. You could get help for this but you haven't. Your GP telling you you need a holiday is just the part you want to hear I believe, because they don't feel you need medication but I think if you were honest GP, School and social care DID make other suggestions to you but you have chosen not to do them.

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 03/12/2016 21:46

BumDNC I didn't mention that I fancied a trip to the Caribbean to SS. This hugely obese SW came to my house and got semi hysterical I was dressed in gym
Gear and had a gym timetable on my wall and went on a rant about too much exercise being bad ... Erm how long exactly did she think single mums get to spend at the gym exactly .... Anyway.

Angry - I've lost 4 babies in 6 years. I could write a bloody book on the last 8 years, truth is stranger than fiction. The tools I need to provide stability ex seems to just be going out of his way to keep from me, family house sale, child support previously etc etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 03/12/2016 21:48

Twice I've been to the GP fully expecting to come out with a script and twice been told to piss off basically

OP posts:
Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 03/12/2016 21:48

Different GPs in different countries !

OP posts:
BumDNC · 03/12/2016 21:48

They tell you to piss off because your problems are managing your emotions. Anti d's will not help that

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 03/12/2016 21:50

And I understand that.

OP posts:
angryangryyoungwoman · 03/12/2016 21:52

Yes, everything you post backs up my assertion that you are lurching from one emotional place to another. Until you get help you are sounding very much like you are wallowing in it, frankly, not taking any responsibility for your behaviour and that is not appropriate or acceptable when you have children. Get yourself sorted.

BumDNC · 03/12/2016 21:52

You still keep blaming your ex.
So what if he doesn't want you to work, just go to work.
You were talking about buying a flat last week so you must have financial options.
Move area if you need to to get the stability you need for housing. Research all your options. Get childcare if you can't cope. Go on some parenting courses. Get some counselling. Start focusing on letting go of the resentment. Work on managing your emotions around the kids. don't use ex as your back up. Your kids are at school 7 hours a day so you aren't at home with them 24/7 and the older ones are now more independent. Ex does see the kids and that's your free time surely? Why is this going so wrong?

BantyCustards · 03/12/2016 21:55

Antidepressants might help you managing your emotions in so far as they can help with getting decent sleep, calming anxiety and lifting mood: any or a combination of those issues will not help to keep emotions on an even keel.

They really, really helped me - the difference was night and day and set me on the path to a happier, calmer household and a clearer head with which to think.

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 03/12/2016 21:56

BumDNC that's what's caused the latest blow up if the truth of the matter is to, I have options when the fucker signs the consent order and not before. I can't move areas because I'm no longer employed as of Tuesday because I stupidly put DD3's drama class before my job, but I have a joint CCJ with ex that makes renting almost impossible but buying a house would be possible if he'd sign the fucking papers that were agreed 3.5 years ago

OP posts:
BantyCustards · 03/12/2016 21:58

OP

Has your decision making and emotional state always been this jumbled?

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 03/12/2016 22:00

This is what I mean about no more fight. It's like every single time the finish line is in site he moves it and I don't get why I really really don't. He doesn't want to be married or attached to me in any way or form and yet he's more controlling via the kids than he ever was when we were married, he didn't give a fuck what me or them did

OP posts:
ddrmum · 03/12/2016 22:01

I am so sorry for your losses OP. That is so much to deal with in such a few years Flowers
Can you do a self referral for therapy on the nhs where you are? I have done that for myself and DC this week after a quick google. Perhaps speak to the school and see what they can offer the DC? The tough times won't last forever but sometimes it's hard to see the wood for the trees. I'm sorry SS were not helpful to you. I always try to hope that the help is there but it is frustrating to get the right help when you need it.
I have NC with exh. There's a court order and I email a contact book with any info he needs for the DC. I don't converse at all and refuse to provide fuel for his nastiness. It's liberating not having to speak to that thing about anything. I hope things will seem better when you've had some rest.

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 03/12/2016 22:01

BantyCustards I married a man I never loved and had 3 kids with him so I don't think it's ever been crystal clear tbh

OP posts:
Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 03/12/2016 22:09

The thing that I genuinely don't understand at all about myself is that when j was completely on my own with the kids, no contact or child support or anything. We were fine, no rows, got all my ducks in a row, good schools, house sorted, kept on top of the homework all that stuff. Worked full time and was studying. It's almost like just having a little bit, every other weekend off has sent me into a complete tail spin

OP posts:
BumDNC · 03/12/2016 22:10

I'm sorry I've been tough on you I think you need to really get a grip of your emotions. Maybe anti-d would help but it won't help you make better choices. You may be a victim of some circumstances but your kids are the unwilling victims and I don't hear much in this entire post apart from how you feel. The help you need you may have to fight for and that's not right but fight you may need to

BantyCustards · 03/12/2016 22:13

Get yourself back to your GP and tell them you need help - keep going until they listen.

Finances - so, he's got you stuck in the family home. OK. What can you do to make the budget stretch further? Can you cut down on your weekly shop? Have you been on moneysaving expert? There are some great ideas on there. Can you switch utilities provider and save money?

BumDNC · 03/12/2016 22:14

Holding him to ransom with the kids and the money isn't working. You need a new approach. Can you take the bloody papers and arrange to meet him with a neutral party and just get this sorted?