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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex has done it again - 3rd time

262 replies

Pisssssedofff · 03/12/2016 13:14

Basically if the kids and I or he and I have a falling out. Ex basically spends an entire week/weekend/day telling them how awful I am, how right they are and how they'd be better off living with him. And then they say great can we ? And he says no back you go to live with pissed. DD3 ended up in hospital last time tranquilised.
So I've said no this time, no more fucking with their heads. You've said they ought to be living with you then you bloody well keep them.
It's all going to hit the fan I pressume when they go to school on Monday. 4 years this has been going on I've no more fight left in me I just want him to keep them.

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Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 03/12/2016 15:00

I've just phoned the police, they won't go and get them, I don't know the new girlfriends address obviously. Hopefully DD will be at a school thing tomorrow and I've been told I can put her in the car willing or not.

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Pidlan · 03/12/2016 15:06

Is your 14-y-o upset because she wants to come home to you?
It must be horrible, but I think I'd always make sure that my DC knows they can come home to me when they want to. I agree with poster above who said that you don't want them thinking that no-one wants them

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 03/12/2016 15:08

I don't know what she wants and the longer they are there the worst it will be. He's told them I don't want them. The 12 year old was screaming go to hell to me down the phone ... And he was encouraging it

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ShowMePotatoSalad · 03/12/2016 15:16

Pisised I understand that your ex is not handling things well but neither are you IMO. Why do you need space from your 12 year old after an argument? What sort of messages is that sending her, especially when you say she is a bag of nerves and anxiety. Can't you just put the argument to bed and move on from it?

Neither of you sound like you are providing a sense of stability or are in control of the situation at all.

Family separations are rarely ideal but situations like this make it even worse. You and your ex clearly don't get on and it seems to me like you're putting your kids in the middle.

Your ex shouldn't be telling the kids they should be living with him and you shouldn't be telling him to keep them.

If you are unhappy with the way your ex is behaving you need to go back to mediation and revisit the court order if necessary. But asking your ex to pick your daughter up every time you have an argument is only going to encourage him to use that situation to his advantage. You're obviously in a bad situation but try to keep a cool head and regain some control.

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 03/12/2016 15:25

It's easy to say that and of course you are right, but honestly in the heat of it with three teens going at you and then the ) year old crying and you're trying to drive them to school it's a wonder we didn't all end up wrapped around a lamppost. I was trying to do the right thing

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ageingrunner · 03/12/2016 15:25

Why did you involve your ex in the row between you and your daughter when you know he's manipulative?
You need to be the parent they can depend on, hard and unfair as that is. Don't give him information he can use against you ffs!

ageingrunner · 03/12/2016 15:25

Sorry x post

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 03/12/2016 15:27

In my mind there's two solutions to all this. He keeps them and sorts his shit out, has to change jobs or get an au pair, find s house etc or we move back up north to our house which means eldest changes school just before GCSEs but honestly I cannot stand another day of that car journey to school

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ageingrunner · 03/12/2016 15:32

It must be galling as FUCK for him to keep saying he's going to keep them, when you know full well that he probably won't be willing to make the sacrifices you describe in order to do so.

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 03/12/2016 15:53

ageingrunner this is it. Galling I could live with fucking with her little head I can't. Spoke to my friend, he reckons fight no matter what. I guess I just needed to hear it's the right thing to do I e just completely lost my confidence in my own decision making

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exWifebeginsat40 · 03/12/2016 15:54

you need to protect your children, not have them permanently distressed by the fallout of their parents' issues.

you say he fucks with their heads. how do you think they feel when you say 'oh just stay with him then'?

you and their father need to get your individual shit together and stop damaging your children.

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 03/12/2016 16:00

exWifebeginsat40. Obviously did not say that to them

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BumDNC · 03/12/2016 18:51

I have felt like saying this myself to my own teens but it's very damaging to feel that your parents don't really want you or are using you to hurt one another.

Give the clothes to him and let them settle. Forcing them back to you when everything is so raw and dramatic will make things worse.

How do you all get into such a state? It sounds like it's high octane drama constantly, with you reacting very badly to their acting out behaviour instead of dealing with things calmly, it is like pouring petrol on a fire!

Did you post the other week about buying a flat for your teens to live in because home life is so bad? It's surely not just 'normal teens' behaving badly if this this out of control, if you had full control of your own temper and emotions it wouldn't escalate this badly. Let them live with him and work on being a stable and calm rational parent for when they want to come back?

BumDNC · 03/12/2016 18:54

I don't want to make you feel worse but this is just as much your mess as it is his, and it's not theirs. They aren't in charge - you are the parent. It's got this bad because it's all out of control. You need to learn to control yourself and they will follow by example. If I lost my nut at some of the crazy teen stuff every time it would be like a war zone. They rely on me to make the peace and be the rational voice of reason - that's your job. If you can't manage it then maybe they should go to him

PatriciaHolm · 03/12/2016 19:01

Right now your poor kids think neither if you want them. They aren't pawns in a game where you can just trade them back and forward for game points.

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 03/12/2016 19:05

Bum that's all very well but when I put my hand up for support this is what happens - I guarantee they will be back with me by Monday if I allow it.

Funniest thing of all was the eldest who's been the utter pain last few months has point blank refused to go with him and is being an angel right now

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Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 03/12/2016 19:06

I appreciate that Patricia and I've texted them to say they are welcome home if that's what they want - he shouldn't have repeated what was said to him in anger to them though should he

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BumDNC · 03/12/2016 19:07

Stop asking him to be 'bad cop'!
It's inevitable that it will backfire 'just wait till I call your father!' And 'you need to take these awful kids' etc is A terrible coping strategy - you need to learn how to deal with them in a crisis not call him in as backup and then get annoyed when he wants to do things his own way

PatriciaHolm · 03/12/2016 19:08

But you knew this would happen if you asked for support. He's clearly not a good parent, but why keep making him prove his crapness to yourself and the kids? It's like poking at an open wound and complaining loudly that it's not healing. Only the people being hurt are your kids. Repeatedly.

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 03/12/2016 19:08

He's far from the bad cop, that's me doing all the way your veggies, brush your teeth go to bed on time stuff. He's fucking Disney dad who doesn't even have a roof to call his own !

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BumDNC · 03/12/2016 19:09

Frankly you both think each other is a shit parent and the fact it's such a mess may well be true. Neither of you are covered in glory here. Blaming him for what he has said just distracts from what you also have said and done

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 03/12/2016 19:09

Heat of the moment Patricia - I should be able to call the other parent for assistance shouldn't I ?

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BumDNC · 03/12/2016 19:10

I've been a single parent for 8 years and I have never once demanded he step in and sort them out if I can't. We co-parent when required but what you describe is not co-parenting. Disney dad is not your back up plan when things at home are shitty

BumDNC · 03/12/2016 19:11

No personally you describe a man who has repeatedly made a mess of things so I have no idea why you call him to help you then are surprised when it gets into a further mess?!!

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 03/12/2016 19:11

And I guess that's my feelings around this too, I cannot parent them and work to provide them with a decent home, I just can't. He needs to do his bit to help out which clearly he has no intention of doing or else he needs to have them full time because I am utterly done in.

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