Ex has done it again - 3rd time

[Pisssssedofff]

Basically if the kids and I or he and I have a falling out. Ex basically spends an entire week/weekend/day telling them how awful I am, how right they are and how they'd be better off living with him. And then they say great can we ? And he says no back you go to live with pissed. DD3 ended up in hospital last time tranquilised.
So I've said no this time, no more fucking with their heads. You've said they ought to be living with you then you bloody well keep them.
It's all going to hit the fan I pressume when they go to school on Monday. 4 years this has been going on I've no more fight left in me I just want him to keep them.

As for contact with the ex: bare bones only - pick up/drop off, that kind of thing. Do not ask him for help. Do not engage at all. Do not get pulled into discussions over anything. Anything he needs to know re health/education with the DCs - he can contact school/HCPs directly.

As for the consent order - have you spoken to a solicitor about what you can do to force his hand?

You are letting this man set up camp in your head and run riot: he is not worthy of that headspace. That headspace needs to be reserved solely for you and the children.

Stop letting him yank your chain.

The family home is s long story - I wish I was stuck there, far from it, it's rented out because when we first got back to the uk I didn't have a pot to piss in. It needs to be sold so I can buy a stable home for the kids, which until Tuesday with the money from that sale and my job I could. But I got sacked and instead of any sort of oh how can we stop that happening again type of support, he pissed himself laughing. I just wanted him to see the consequences of his actions in practical day to day life, it's so easy to just go and get a house you see, just go and get a job lol
The police said do you think he'll return them, well of course he bloody will he travels for work, so it would be a house between the job and the kids. I don't know why I'm getting so upset tbh they'll be back on Monday, I'll have the shit with the school to deal with them back to the same old

Whilst you are at it call Women's Aid and ask them about getting onto The Freedom Programme - it will give you great tools and insight into the mechanics of this dysfunctional relationship with your ex. It will empower you.

It almost feels like you feel you have no power, no choice, no voice and no control over your life. Real as it may seem to you it is not true - you have power. Start by promising yourself you will no longer allow this turd for a human being to play games with you.

Detach.
GP
Freedom Programme

He didn't turn up to court re the consent order in November so it's been reset for Febuary, I know it's a small amount of time really but that takes it over the 4 year mark. 4 fucking years to sort out a three bed semi, there's not yhats or holiday homes

It's obvious you need help

Why are the doctors not helping you?

Even something like anger management would be a big help

HE ALREADY SEES THE IMPACT OF HIS ACTIONS AND HE DOESN'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK.

Every time you attempt to reason with him this is what happens:

You present him with an issue
He gleefully takes the platter of narc supply you just handed to him and smashes it in your face.
You react
Now you're the crazy, unhinged harridan he no longer has to live with.

Stop making all his Narc-Xmases come all at once.

Detach.

BantyCustards - fair point

You have to stop trying to find new ways of making him care
He doesn't
We aren't going to help you think up new ways of trying to make him see the light
You need to accept he isn't going to

I guess I'll find that out. He'll either get the kids to start texting me tomorrow to take them back or he'll cause a shit storm at their school on Monday with a view to keeping two of them. The ones with me stay with me, the other two as long as they stick together will be ok

There is nothing to find out - all he cares about is tormenting you.

On Monday go and pick up all of your children and take them home with you.

Then, start putting steps towards keeping this arse out of your head and out of your life save for brief communications via text/email regarding contact.

I think there is an element of this potentially solving your problems if he takes the middle 2 because your eldest who is not his doesn't much like living with them and is violent to them? And you don't have the room for them all.
Are you honestly ready to let them go live with him full time?

He needs to take them all if he's providing a solution, 2 kinda helps but doesn't really because it just means less of the stuff holding me back not the problem fixed.

Remind me why you can move back (up north is it?) into the family home? Fresh start?

See this is why I get annoyed..... 'he has to take them all'. That's not looking for solutions it's almost as though you want to punish him with the 'I am miserable and so must you be'. You cannot force the eldest to go as she isn't is.... why not let the dust settle and just focus on life, getting work, being less drama led??

wannabestressfree. The youngest is the reason I struggle to work, the eldest obviously is fine, tbh the middle two would be fine as well if push came to shove so if he's having them, child support gets reduced that means we are moving house, that means another school move. Like him you don't seem to get financially we are just about holding it together with him paying, tax credits and my salary. Remove any one of those elements and it starts falling apart again. It's all or nothing

AnnieAnoniMouse. Eldest takes her GCSEs in a few months

Please start taking steps to manage your anger and resentment. You are damaging yourself and your children.
Take some space, take a breather and start thinking with a rational head.
Your dd needs support to get through her gcses and to do the best she can. All your children need support, stability and love.
You've had some good advice here. Please use it and start to move forward.

My word....you need to get it together for your kids. If you can't you need to call social services and tell them you can't cope. They need stability and family therapy. It's no wonder they're acting up - the situation is disgusting. You can't change what others do but you can change yourself so get your shit together and sort it out. Or sort the other options out - sensibly like an adult

Eldest takes her GCSEs in a few months

But isn't she 14?

It's not exes fault or kids fault you lost your job you said it was your fault and you need to get back out there and find something fast -it's Christmas there is a lot of part time work going in shops, cafes, pubs etc - can the 16 yo not babysit? Get a childminder?

No she has 16yo which isn't this mans child

You're trying to relate to him like he's a normal person who doesn't understand how his actions are affecting you and the kids, but the sad thing is he knows but doesn't care. Try and detach. I can completely sympathise with the anger that you feel as a single mother when your ex has freedom to do what he wants and start a new relationship, but that anger is onlt hurting you and the children so Have as little contact with your ex as possible and try and gradually let the anger go. Your life will be better for it.

Do I go to the school ?

Yes because you have said that's what you will do, it wasn't a question. So unless you hear anything differently then you should do what you have said you would do.

Assuming he even turns up there's then going to be a scene at the school. The police have told me I can drag her into my car screaming if I have to but really it all seems wrong