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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex has done it again - 3rd time

262 replies

Pisssssedofff · 03/12/2016 13:14

Basically if the kids and I or he and I have a falling out. Ex basically spends an entire week/weekend/day telling them how awful I am, how right they are and how they'd be better off living with him. And then they say great can we ? And he says no back you go to live with pissed. DD3 ended up in hospital last time tranquilised.
So I've said no this time, no more fucking with their heads. You've said they ought to be living with you then you bloody well keep them.
It's all going to hit the fan I pressume when they go to school on Monday. 4 years this has been going on I've no more fight left in me I just want him to keep them.

OP posts:
LiveLifeWithPassion · 04/12/2016 12:15

At least things are a bit calm now.

He's an idiot for showing those texts to her.
You should let her know that you know you were wrong to send texts like that. You are angry with her dad but not with her.

Just communicate regularly with them during the week. Let them know you're thinking of them and you're taking steps to ensure you can all live harmoniously as possible.

Start having regular family meetings with your kids. Keep communicating with each other and discuss how things are working, how they can be improved etc.

Stop having any communication with your ex that isn't necessary. Ignore his texts unless they're to do with the kids and your arrangements.

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 04/12/2016 12:18

LiveLifeWithPassion I told her that and she agrees, he's determined to keep it all going hence I need to withdraw so I've said to her text any time you like, I'll come and get you any time night or day.

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 04/12/2016 12:27

Can you message DS3 to ensure she is happy with the arrangement?

Please take on board what I said earlier re the GP, I really do think you need some help or support right now to try and cope with issues so to prevent reactionary knee jerk reactions. You can always review it in the summer when you have moved back to the family home. There is always going to be stress re teenagers but it doesn't always need to explode into something much larger.

LiveLifeWithPassion · 04/12/2016 12:46

That's great op. You seem to be a lot calmer and more rational now.

This is what will work for you and your family. Can you work on how to calm yourself when you start to get angry and reactionary? See the gp, google articles, get a book from the library. Do whatever you can.

Keep connected to your children. Talk to them regularly and spend time with them doing stuff together. Hug them and tell them you love them.
This will provide a strong base which you can all fall back on even when things go a bit crazy.

Good luck.

SixthSenseless · 04/12/2016 14:43

Maybe this week will give you chance to spend time with your eldest, too.

It's quite important that she doesn't think she can get the house to herself by fueling a row that had you sending the others to their Dad's. It's good that she is being 'an angel' but look at that carefully. Is it because she had ousted them so is happy? Because she gets your undivided attention?

She is doing her GCSEs so does need a calm environment.

Do you have to do this school run? Can any of them go by public transport?

iminshock · 04/12/2016 15:01

Better news now OP.

Hang in there . You can do this ! X

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 04/12/2016 15:01

SixthSenseless no they have to be driven, they'd be living the house at 6.45 and going through a rough area at that time, I just would worry sick.

Hence we do need to move, that's at least 50% of the problem. I was promised support if I moved here which never materialised. As you say we need stability, all of us, I've had nearly 8 years of this

OP posts:
Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 04/12/2016 15:03

iminshock thank you, I hope so. I never set out to fuck them up, I would never have had them if I'd known this would happen ... Eldest already says she's not having kids do nobody has the power to hurt her 😟

OP posts:
RedMapleLeaf · 04/12/2016 17:32

Don't you think that it's so sad that you've sent her the message that she and her siblings have done that to you?

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 04/12/2016 17:36

RedMapleLeaf - they haven't, he has by using them. If they didn't exist he couldn't have done it and that is the truth

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 04/12/2016 17:54

I still don't think you get it....

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 04/12/2016 17:55

Whag don't you think I get exactly ?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/12/2016 18:04

I think that what wannabe means is that at the flash point you ate going to behave in an equally reactionary and damaging way. You seem to have calmed down for now, but it seems clear to me (and to others, I guess) that you have very little insight into your own role in perpetuating this constant car crash

AnyFucker · 04/12/2016 18:04

The next flash point. And there will be many.

PatriciaHolm · 04/12/2016 18:07

Your children are blaming themselves for your (and his) pain. That's because he and you are making it clear that they are the problem.

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 04/12/2016 18:10

Ok, my aim here is to remove as many flash points as possible, that's reasonable yes ? And here's the thing, I've been working for a long time on my reactions and I'm sorry but sometimes my reactions are justified.
I have however deleted his number having blocked it and am resolute in my decision to not contact him even if I'm on fire. That has to be a good start.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 04/12/2016 18:12

PatriciaHolm - that's not what she means at all, believe me that one couldn't give a fuck about anyone's pain at the moment she's 16 it's all about her. I actually think it's a good thing that she knows having a child with somebody gives them a certain hold over you for the 18 years or do it takes to raise them so give it a lot more consideration as to who you want to be taking that risk with. It's not a bad life lesson

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/12/2016 18:14

Yes, it is.

Flash points are to be expected when you are raising teens.

Being angry and resentful is totally justified in your situation. I get it. The bloke is complete cunt.

You have to stop rising to it and using your kids as go betweens or packaging them up as punishments for him.

This is difficult to do, but you simply have to for the sake of your children.

AnyFucker · 04/12/2016 18:17

Pissed, I have seen your posts on other support threads and they are frequently ace. You seem to have a bit of trouble with applying rationality to your own situation. Always a difficult thing to do when emotion is in loved, of course.

AnyFucker · 04/12/2016 18:17

*involved

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 04/12/2016 18:18

Well next time they "do" something I know who not to call.

They are going to kick off like no tomorrow when I tell them they are moving but that's that we are I've been living like a rabbit in head lights for a long time

OP posts:
Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 04/12/2016 18:19

AF you'd piss yourself if you knew what I do for a living ... Really

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/12/2016 18:25

I probably wouldn't, love.

Physician, heal thyself kinda thing ? I get it. I have made some shocking mistakes in the past that people would be amazed at.

AnyFucker · 04/12/2016 18:26

Also, people have been brutally honest on your thread at times and you haven't made it at all personal. Kudos for that.

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 04/12/2016 18:32

I am gradually cutting out the toxic people, I fear it'll just be me and the dog left soon. But the kids aren't toxic. I do get that. Hard work but good souls and at the end of the day they are the only people on this planet I give a shit about so I'd like to keep them around

OP posts:
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