Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex has done it again - 3rd time

262 replies

Pisssssedofff · 03/12/2016 13:14

Basically if the kids and I or he and I have a falling out. Ex basically spends an entire week/weekend/day telling them how awful I am, how right they are and how they'd be better off living with him. And then they say great can we ? And he says no back you go to live with pissed. DD3 ended up in hospital last time tranquilised.
So I've said no this time, no more fucking with their heads. You've said they ought to be living with you then you bloody well keep them.
It's all going to hit the fan I pressume when they go to school on Monday. 4 years this has been going on I've no more fight left in me I just want him to keep them.

OP posts:
BumDNC · 03/12/2016 19:13

Then leave them with him - if you can't do it then you need to find a way that's better than this.
But wouldn't you rather work out why you can't do it and focus on fixing that? Why are you giving up?

PatriciaHolm · 03/12/2016 19:14

But he's never going to. And you need to deal with that. Because if you keep throwing your kids at him in an futile attempt to make him deal with it, your kids will end up hating both of you and with serious emotional issues. It sounds as if they are on the way to that already.

You can't make him be a parent. It's shit, but that's the reality.

BumDNC · 03/12/2016 19:15

I think where you are going wrong is that you expect him to step up in a crisis when he has shown he can't really. Also you expect him to be ok with this and not be pissed off with you (I would be furious). You kind of are tricking/testing him into doing the hard bits?

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 03/12/2016 19:16

Because I'm so depressed it's not even funny. Unfortunately not clinically depressed even my GP said there's nothing wrong with you a week on holiday wouldn't fix but we know what happened the last time you left your ex with the kids for a week so we don't go there - daughter ended up sedated in A & E - I agree you're right I was a twat to call him. Obviously regretting that now and I've texted middle DD to say she can come back when she likes but I do not actually want her to leave youngest DD alone with him

OP posts:
BumDNC · 03/12/2016 19:20

Fundamentally it sounds like you don't really want to do this anymore than he does. sadly they are here now and you have no choice. If you don't have clinical depression and want a holiday, leave them with an extended family member but don't be fooled that this will fix anything. I think you need to ask for some help with your parenting strategies, gaining parenting control back and making the family house a peaceful place to be. That will lift everyone's depression and unhappiness. Join the gym - go do some excercise. Go to a spa for the day. You can relax in other ways. But it won't magically fix this mess long term

AnyFucker · 03/12/2016 19:25

You are both as bad as each other. You are both fucking with your children's heads. I have seen several of your threads along these lines now and every time you are given the same advice....stop engaging and look after your own and your kid's interests.

When are you going to start doing that ? One might think you love the drama as much as he does.. Your kids are getting damaged. Sort it out.

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 03/12/2016 19:26

BumDNC there is no extended family. It's just me

OP posts:
BumDNC · 03/12/2016 19:31

i have seen a few of these threads too and I think this is more about being resentful that you don't have more freedom and your ex has moved on and doesn't have the kids enough so you push them onto him to try to force him to do it, because in a 'crisis/drama' he responds more than when you just ask him to. He won't buy or rent a house cos he knows he would have to have them more than he does and give up his freedom and he won't give you that, because he's an arse. So this is about both of you battling each other for free time and you resent that he has gone and left you with the kids, who won't behave, in the middle the kids are a mess and don't know where they belong.

AnyFucker · 03/12/2016 19:33

Yep. And washing your hands of them then texting they can come back if X, Y or Z happens is totally the wrong thing to do

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 03/12/2016 19:35

AnyFucker I know I was hardly thinking rationally at the time

OP posts:
BumDNC · 03/12/2016 19:35

If you aren't careful someone is going to step in and make a decision for you one of these days you won't be able to change.

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 03/12/2016 19:37

BumDNC well I think that's the nail on the head, I'm completely an utterly sick of it.

He's had a consent order to sort out since the 2nd September that would make our lives 110% easier and he's still not sorted that out, this will be another excuse not to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 03/12/2016 19:39

BumDNC - he's already tried that believe me. And I've told him if he goes down that route again I'll make a decision he can't change and he truly will be a lone parent

OP posts:
BumDNC · 03/12/2016 19:42

If you truely have given up on this then hand over their possessions and make formal legal arrangements for him to have them full time. Thy deserve to be settled. Make a decision once and for all and stop with threats. Do something. Before it's too late for them

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 03/12/2016 19:44

And what about the other two, he should have them whether they like it or not ? Otherwise it solves nothing right

OP posts:
BumDNC · 03/12/2016 19:48

I really don't feel I can give you advice on what children you choose to keep and which ones you let go, or handing over kids who don't want to go.
Only you know what you can do, what you can live with.
The current situation doesn't have much right about it. They deserve a settled, calm and loving home. If you can't provide it then you need to call social care and ask for help if you don't think he is the right person either. Let them intervene because they act in children's best interests

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 03/12/2016 19:51

I really don't think cares a better option than him. He'll huff and puff and slag me off but he will look after them

OP posts:
BumDNC · 03/12/2016 19:52

It's inevitable you will feel guilty if you hand them over to him and that something you would have to learn to live with I am afraid

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 03/12/2016 19:55

Do you think he feels guilty I wonder

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 03/12/2016 19:55

What decision would you make that he can't change?

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 03/12/2016 19:56

Goingtobeawesome give him all the kids. And I'll play Disney mum

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 03/12/2016 19:59

Am with Anyfucker. You are just as bad as him. Running him down and saying he is 'fucking with their heads' then calling for his help and wailing like a banshee when they feel rejected by you.....
And then wanting to stick the eldest in a flat. The 14 year old can't know if she is coming or going.... stay with the eldest, stay with the other sister.
It's about time you grew up and you know, acted like their mother.
It's not a picnic parenting. You seem to thrive on all the drama. And then your surprised by what your daughter did..... they have you as their role model.
God you make me angry.

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 03/12/2016 20:01

wannabestressfree I don't want to be a mother, I never asked to be a single mother, he's created this situation and never find the decent thing at any turn so be angry but I'm angrier believe me I feel stitched up like a fucking kipper tbh

OP posts:
BumDNC · 03/12/2016 20:01

im sure that is a tempting little fantasy but is it just that? Are you just wanting to make him suffer for a while? Still don't see how you being obsessed with getting parenting revenge on him is going to help your poor kids

PatriciaHolm · 03/12/2016 20:04

Your anger is driving everything you do, and has done for a long time. You need to get some sort of help/counselling, because you are permanently damaging your kids in your continuing efforts to get revenge on him.