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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm in the shit.....

129 replies

norbertsmum · 15/02/2007 20:47

bil is having an affair with my bf, only I know and he knows I know so he's been using me as an excuse to get out (an alibi) anyway sil has become suspicious and accused me of seeing her dh. I denied it but she is threatening to tell dh. I can't tell dh the truth because he will be furious I covered for his brother and my bf knows about a fling I had years ago and has told bil who says he will tell dh if I drop him in it.
Bil says it will all blow over but i'm shitting myself. Do I tell dh and risk loosing him if my fling comes out or what? I have been crying all day and feel terrible. What do I do.

OP posts:
StrangeTown · 15/02/2007 20:52

Jeez, what a nightmare situation. Can't say I think much of your BF telling BIL about your fling - what's that got to do with him?

I think you are better off staying quiet for now, not going to stop you worrying, I know. In terms of your SIL's accusations you haven't actually done anything, so nothing she can tell DH anyway. Hope it does blow over.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 15/02/2007 20:55

What a confusing mess. Dont envy you at all right now.

KezzaG · 15/02/2007 20:58

How awful, you must be worried sick. If your affair was little known and cannot be proved I think I would be tempted to call is bluff, and if he does tell your dh deny it. your dh will have every reason to believe you, and it will look like some desperate revenge from BIL. Would be hard to brazen it out though. your bil sounds an awful man if he is prepared to blackmail you like that, and tbh your bf doesnt sound much like a friend.

It might be best to let it all come out, living with this strain must be intolerable.

MascaraOHara · 15/02/2007 21:00

Shouldn't this be on 'cleaner close'

Obviously she isn't your best friend.... or god at least I hope she isn't.

themoon66 · 15/02/2007 21:00

If your little flingette was years ago and short lived, you can maybe brazen it out. If BiL tells DH, say 'oh well he would say that to try and get the spotlight off him wouldn't he?' or similar.

Don't envy you I have to say.... What a nightmare

Yurtgirl · 15/02/2007 21:03

If it were me I would think about telling dh about your fling - and then tell all about the bil/ bf stuff - for my own sanity

THe thing is you dont know that bil wont spill the beans to your dh somehow anyway. Much better for dh to hear truth from you than bil - dh would definitely prefer to hear it from you than anyone else.

I feel sorry for your sil tbh!
Horrid situation
I guess a lot depends on hwo much you want your marriage to survive the mess

Original poster
norbertsmum · 15/02/2007 21:04

Trouble is I look so guilty I have been going to bf's at night saying we have been having girls nights in when really she has been going out with bil. Bil has been saying he has been at mine fixing my computer or other jobs around the house etc. so we have both been out at the same time. About 4 years ago bil tried to kiss me at a xmas party and I told dh, it caused a lot of trouble though sil never knew. Dh has on more than one occassion accused me of fancying his brother - nothing can be further from the truth I hate him but dh has a huge chip on his shoulder about it. Even a sniff of something would cause untold damage. I am so scared I love my husband and don't want to loose him.

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lazyline · 15/02/2007 21:07

Personally, I would tell your DH. It is not fair that you get dragged into this and your husband might get told you are having an affair so that your BIL can keep quiet. It is not your responsibility to keep their secret.

Yurtgirl · 15/02/2007 21:08

bil sounds like an arse tbh
I would deffo tell all to dh, now before it all comes out in the wash. Repeat the final sentance of your last post to your dh very frequently

Sorry if my advice is a bit scary and upfront!

lazyline · 15/02/2007 21:08

But the sooner you come clean the better. It WILL come out in the end. You are not the only one that knows about it and you can't control other people's mouths.

morningpaper · 15/02/2007 21:10

I agree, I would tell all to your DH

You have been v. unwise in weaving this tangled web... I think that honesty is the best form of damage control now

NurseyJo · 15/02/2007 21:10

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Original poster
norbertsmum · 15/02/2007 21:11

My fling was just after I met dh with an ex. TBH I was very drunk and it was more like date rape. It happened just the once and I deeply regret it.
My bf is lovely she let it slip by accident and never meant to cause me any harm. Her Dh died 2 years ago, she has had a really hard time including a drugs od. BIL has literally swept her off her feet it is really out of character for her but she is in love. He is a shit and just using her.
I feel sorry for sil too and didn't mean to get involved it just sort of happened and before I knew it I was in too deep and BIL has just manipulated us all.

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MascaraOHara · 15/02/2007 21:12

I wouldn't tell your husband, I would tell your sister in law.. sit her down and tell her everything put on the water works and tell her how they're holding you to ransom and you haven't known what to do... really milk it... and beg her not to tell you dh about short lived fling...

might make your relationship with her stronger...

NurseyJo · 15/02/2007 21:15

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MascaraOHara · 15/02/2007 21:17

well then I turn the tables on your best friend and tell your BIL ever lets your secret out that you'll make her life a living hell... with a very sweet smile on your face.

I would say she's not a best friend at all.

morningpaper · 15/02/2007 21:21

Hmm too many mind-games and threats being used already

I would take the honesty route

Then no one can do you any more damage than you have done already

If DH finds out from another source then he won't trust you

That will be far worse than telling him the truth

Original poster
norbertsmum · 15/02/2007 21:23

Writing it doen has helped me think more logically. I could explain to dh how I've covered he will be mad - he hates that sort of thing and there is tension between him and his brother but if I explain how I fell into it he would forgive me - although I'm sure he'd be angry. But he would never understand me having sex with my ex - it would crush him.
Do you think I could just deny it if it comes out or could that make things worse - I could say bil is being spiteful.

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NurseyJo · 15/02/2007 21:23

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Original poster
norbertsmum · 15/02/2007 21:24

Honestly my bf is a lovely person I could never hurt her.

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MascaraOHara · 15/02/2007 21:26

if your best friend is lovely would she deny your affair if your BIL spilled in that case I think you would have nothing to worry about. Just tell sil and dh about the affair and say bil is lying about your affair

Yurtgirl · 15/02/2007 21:27

Sorry but your so called "lovely" bf is having an affair with a married man. I cant use the word lovely in the same sentance as affair and married sorry

She cant be truly lovely

NurseyJo · 15/02/2007 21:27

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elliot3 · 15/02/2007 21:29

deny it, it won't achieve anything being honest about this - it was a long tiome ago and didn't mean anything

Original poster
norbertsmum · 15/02/2007 21:30

If dh new about the affair he would not want anything to do with my bf or his brother again, if she asked he would tell sil what he knew. He would be angry I had got involved and would think me not saying anything to him is as bad as lying to him.
I honestly don't know what he'd do if he knew about my ex. The full story would hurt him so much.

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