I'm in the shit.....

[norbertsmum]

bil is having an affair with my bf, only I know and he knows I know so he's been using me as an excuse to get out (an alibi) anyway sil has become suspicious and accused me of seeing her dh. I denied it but she is threatening to tell dh. I can't tell dh the truth because he will be furious I covered for his brother and my bf knows about a fling I had years ago and has told bil who says he will tell dh if I drop him in it.
Bil says it will all blow over but i'm shitting myself. Do I tell dh and risk loosing him if my fling comes out or what? I have been crying all day and feel terrible. What do I do.

[mylittlestar]

Well done for being so brave and also I think your dh sounds fantastic. I agree, there may be a way to save the friendship in the future but not now. Stick by your dh and do what he asks for now and make sure that your brilliant marriage continues to stay that way.
Your bil deserved that punch - and much more IMO!

[Bucketsofdynomite]

Hurray!
I think you def need to cut ties with your bf, if only to show your dh how important his feelings are to you. At the end of the day she has shown that she truly thinks very little of you compared to a proven nob-end like your BIL.
Let your deal with his brother his own way and his poor SIL will have plenty of her own friends to help her I'm sure. Although it would be a fantastic gesture to offer to have her kids for a night so she can deal with her rotten dh and your dh can re-bond with her kids.

[hoolagirl]

At the end of the day your DH and DC come first, not your BF.
No matter how lovely you think she is, she has knowingly had an affair with a married man which under no circumstances can be justified.
After the consideration your husband has shown for you and the situation, I think it would be a bad idea not to follow his wishes re your BF.
This may seem harsh, but she and no-one else has put herself in this situation.

[Blu]

NM - hope everything is settling down.

Look, if you want my 2pw - don't have any more contact with your bf over this. There have been enough wheels within wheels - you can't be sending texts to your bf and expect it not to have ripples. Let it lie. She made her bed and if you try to rescue her form within this mess you will get further embroiled. Stand back - there is nothing you can do to help her. Also, i am sorry to say that your friendship with her is probably done for - at least until she is long over the relationship with the toxic bil and genuinely realises she is better out of it and what damage it nearly did to you. But be realistic - right now she will see you as the baddie.

I am pleased for you that DH was responsible in understanding your part of the story, it is a big shame he dealt with his b in that way. Your poor poor sil - being married to such a jerk.

[norbertsmum]

OMG things are just getting worse. Got back a couple of hours ago to find that SIL was waiting in her car with her 3 kids for dh when he left work. She was in a terrible state and said that BIL said he had been sleeping with me. DH tried to persuade her it wasn't true but she was hysterical so in the end he put her and the kids in his car and drove them to my bf where she could see BIL's car was parked - BIL had told sil he was staying with a colleague. God knows what made dh think of it but finally she accepted that I wasn't sleeping with her husband.
Anyway she was in such a state and the kids were upset so DH brought them all back here and gave SIL something to calm her down and she is now resting in our guest bedroom (I haven't seen her yet).
Anyway I got back with my 2 lo's and dh has tried to reassure nieces and nephews. My niece is 6 and when I got in told me "uncle Piers has hit Daddy" (apparently BIL has a broken nose) and my 15 year old nephew is not speaking to dh nor myself - the 11 year old seems fine as long as he has a computer game to occupy him! My 2 are oblivious to it all thank god.
Anyway dh is on-call for the hospice this weekend and got a call to go - I begged him not to leave me with her still here (stupid as he really has no choice he has to go) but he went bolistic and I quote " FFS grow up your not exactly blameless in all of this - take some fucking responsibility and help sort out this fucking mess" and with that he left slamming the door behind him.
I'm in bits DH might be gone hours, SIL is still upstairs, the kids are in the conservatory I've taken them food as the eldest was refusing to come to the table. I feel like I can't breath and my head is pounding.
I should really get in touch with bf she tried to call before but I didn't answer but I don't have the guts as things might get even worse.
I think perhaps Dh is deep down more angry with me than I thought and I don't know what to do for the best.
I can't even plan how to deal with SIL cause I don't know how she'll be with me - I feel like a fucked up teenager not a married mother of 2. Sorry I'm rambling now so I'll sign off. I'm not sure why I signed on anyway.

[wakeupandsmellthecoffee]

only thing I can suggest is have a large glass of wine . Think about it you might be feeling bad but I bet she is feeling awfull her marriage has collapsed and her poor kids as well all because BIL couldnt keep it in his pants and your friend has no morals sorry to say that but we all know married men are hands off its the golden rule.

[fuzzywuzzy]

I don't get it. If he's confessed to having an affair, why on earth is BIL trying to make out it's with you?? What difference does it make within his marriage, he is still cheating..... Your SIL is hardly likely to go, oh well if your doing it with your brothers wife, I forgive you, but certainly not if your doing her best friend....!!!!

[pooka]

I'm sorry but while I know you say your friend is lovely, I really don't think that you can carry on your friendship to the same degree without really ruining things with your dh. He takes priority, he is part of your family now, as are your children.
Your bf has been sleeping with a married man, and you have been complicit in that deception. You have to take the high road now, and wash your hands of them both. I don't see why you still have such loyalty to her when her behaviour, and that of your BIL, has resulted in serious issues between you and your dh.
Feel very sorry for your SIL and her children.

[OttergavebirthonValentines]

you poor thing

[Mellowma]

Message withdrawn

[norbertsmum]

I know the rule about never touching another womans man and believe me I despise marriage wreckers but this is my best friend. I have known her since university and watched her nurse her dh for 2 years before he died and then struggle with life and her children since then. This is so out of character for her but in the 2 years since she was widowed she has battled depression, taken an overdose, given up her career and cared for 2 elderly parents that don't drive. BIl was the first man to show her any attention in a long time and she has gone a little mad and behaved like a different person. I have been worried that she might of become a little manic or self destructive as she has been so different. If it was anyone else I would of dropped them a long time ago but it isn't there is too much history between us.

[ScoobyDooooo]

Blimey what a situation, if i was you i would not contact your bf in the middle of all this i would just leave it till this mess is sorted so how or another.

I would also, when your SIL comes out of the guest room, just say look i am sorry about what is happening i know how you must feel & i can 100% tell you it is not me with your dh, say how you were blackmailed as i am sure this is going to come out & just be totally honest about the situation, be there for her & let her know this.

[norbertsmum]

FW I think BIL was either getting at dh for punching him or me for telling dh, I'm not sure he is just a twistered bastard.
I forgot to say that DH said that SIL said today that BIL has slept with someone from work sometime ago. We don't know the details but apparently he was suspended from duty over it and there was a lot of trouble.

[norbertsmum]

WUASTC a glass of wine is such a good idea - thank-you!

[norbertsmum]

Thanks Jo, I'm gonna put the lo's down now. DH still not back, SIL still not stirred. I might wake her after young ones in bed just to get it over with - I'm a nervous wreck. Poor DH he has had a lot to deal with and he hates the hospice. Wish he'd hurry home though I'm dreading facing her alone.

[KezzaG]

I have just caight up with this. firstly well done for being honest, it sounds like it was certainly for the best. I cant imagine hoe hard it must have been.

I can completely understand why you are feeling so overwhelmed but just take a step back and think what you need to do now.

Fristly dh is your priority. If he says dont contact bf then dont, she has made her bed, and any friendship with her can be salvaged later. He is bound to go through a phase of being angry with you, I think you are just going to have to take it on the chin.

Also, if I was your SIL I would have a lot of anger and you might have to do some serious grovelling there too.

It sounds like you and dh are going to have to be the strong ones here, especially as there are kids involved. you have done the hardest bit in being honest with dh. For you, the lies are behind you, your dh still loves you and your dc's are unaffected.

I hope it all resolves itself, its a horrid situation to be in.

[norbertsmum]

lo's down. 15 year old nephew muttered something about "no smoke without fire" I ignored him but really feel I should of dealt him better. Perhaps I will talk to the two older ones later. I checked in on SIL but didn't wake her. I phoned the hospice as dh's phone is going straight to answer phone apparently he left ages ago, it's only a ten minute drive so I don't know what to think. I'd cry again but I don't have the energy...
Any ideas as to how to deal with my nephews they must be so confused - eldest is deffo angry and I think they deserve an explanation, I know it's not really my place but i'm the only one here.

[norbertsmum]

God knows it's not like him to be awol. Thats the lesser of two evils I suppose. I was worried about if he'd gone after my ex but then that's not really a priority. Plus he's on call he can't afford to get caught up in anything, there again he should be answering his phone.

[norbertsmum]

I really want to text bf and see if bil is still with her but I can't face talking to her right now. I'm more worried about the kids - I guess they'll be here for the night. If looks could kill - the eldest is very angry and has every right to be.

[VeniVidiVickiQV]

NM - I think your SIL is the one to deal with your nephews. I know its tough, and she's had an awful shock, but she has family to deal with too. You can support her whilst doing it, but, i think if you are going to speak to them, you ought to go in and see her before you even contemplate it.

Your DH sounds amazing. I would imagine he needs a bit of space to think. This is all a bit of shock for him too.

[norbertsmum]

What if they directly ask me though it seems so lame to say "ask your mum and dad" especially when one is a lying bastard and the other in the middle of a breakdown iykwim.