I'm in the shit.....

[norbertsmum]

bil is having an affair with my bf, only I know and he knows I know so he's been using me as an excuse to get out (an alibi) anyway sil has become suspicious and accused me of seeing her dh. I denied it but she is threatening to tell dh. I can't tell dh the truth because he will be furious I covered for his brother and my bf knows about a fling I had years ago and has told bil who says he will tell dh if I drop him in it.
Bil says it will all blow over but i'm shitting myself. Do I tell dh and risk loosing him if my fling comes out or what? I have been crying all day and feel terrible. What do I do.

[LucyLemon]

Hi norbertsmum,
How are you all this morning?
Does your sil know your side of the story yet?
Hope you're ok.

[Daisybelle]

I hope that you aren't replying, nm, because you are busy sorting things through with dh and sil.
Hope things are starting to come a little clearer.

[JellyNump]

What a nightmare!!! How is everything now? Any better?

[norbertsmum]

SIl and I had our chat starting at 5am yesterday and it continued on and off for most of the day - it was awfully difficult and exhausting. DH kept out of it for the main and the short version is basically this.
SIL wanted to know again and again whether I had slept with BIL evertime I thought she was reassured she came back to it. She wanted to know why he said we did and I couldn't answer her because I have no idea.
She wanted to know about BIL and BF I was as honest as I could and apologised for my part. She was very angry and asked so many questions again many I could not answer, she seemed obsessed by sexual details, times and places. One minute she was angry with him the next bf and the next me. There were a lot of tears from both sides. I tried to suggest she asked BIL the answers as I didn't know but she doesn't want to see him just now.
Anyway she and the kids are still here, BIL has not been in touch and BF has not been in touch.
DH took SIL home to collect some stuff and there was no sign of BIL it didn't even seem he had been back for underwear.
I feel better now, and to be honest I am a little resentful - I want my home back. DH is in a terrible mood and looks so stressed. I think he is contemplating visiting BIl if we don't hear from him soon and I really don't want that to happen.
SIL is still tearful and I am walking on egg shells - I really don't know what she thinks of me but she seems to really want to be here.
SIL has had a word with the kids but it was in private and she hasn't discussed it. Eldest nephew still very difficult.

[Bucketsofdynomite]

Sounds like she's just freaking out like any of us would, pity it has to be in your home but you will get brownie points for it eventually .
Has anyone suggested they move back home and get the locks changed? Even if she doesn't, it might snap her into thinking maybe she could go somewhere else until she's ready to face him.
Keep strong, you're doing really well.

[BuffysMum]

well I'm glad SIL didn't punch you or anything like that! I guess your BIL wants you completely in the s* like he is. Actually perhaps he just wants revenge on your dh by getting them to believe that you did sleep with the git.

I'm sure you're in for a rocky ride but hopefully by giving your support/help now things with SIL and nephews will be good again in the future.

[BandofMothers]

Poor NB. .
But poor SIL too. Bear with her, I think I'd need a lot of reassurance too. I can't blame her for not wanting to go home, but if you look at it positively, she obviously doesn't really believe you slept with him or she wouldn't still be in your house. I know I wouldn't be if that were the case.
Can't believe your BIL , is he still at bf's?. You don't know silly question, he's obviously really bothered by the break up of his marriage. TUT. Men

[shimmy21]

Well done Norbert - you really do sound like a tower of strength in all this. I do understand SIL's need to go over all the details obsessively. That would be me. But the fact that she is with you and wants to stay with you shows that deep down she knows you are on her side and not the enemy. I'm sure nephew is reacting as any confused and hormonal teenager would in this mess - by kicking out at those nearest to him. Of course what he really wants is to be cuddled and told that Mum and dad still love each other but he knows that's not going to happen.

Keep up the good work. SIL will find her own way to move on soon.

[norbertsmum]

I presume he is still there his car was there earlier (dh drove past on a call).
SIL is all over dh she's opened a bottle of red with him whilst i've sorted out the kids and I've just heard her say "she married the wrong brother" WTF! I know I should be more gracious but I am feeling so uncomfortable in my own house and not for obvious reasons. I feel like I can't go in there - don't know why i'm being stupid. Need some sleep!

[norbertsmum]

I forgot to say that during our conversation sil let it slip that bil has had a string of women over the years. At one point he was having therapy. And once he was accused of stalking someone - he nearly lost his job over it and she has always forgiven him. I don't think they have been proper relationships though and they have never split up before. She has been a doormat.

[BandofMothers]

Umm. This may sound harsh as she's in a bad place but that does not give her the right to be all over your dh. I f i were you I would go in there now, let her know that it's not ok, esp in your house. She can believe what she likes, but you did not sleep with her husband and she better keep her hands off yours.
And rant over.

[norbertsmum]

I feel stupid i'm sure it's not intentional she is too fucked up to be thinking like that but I am feeling strangely territorial. DH is oblivious so it's probably my imagination but she does seem to be following him round tonight, kitchen, study, kitchen, conservatory.....

[EllieKwithaHUGEbump]

it may sound harsh but if she still doesn't truly believe you didn't have sex with bil, maybe she's flrting with dh to get her own back on you?

[BandofMothers]

I agree. Men are always oblivious. Or pretending to be. You are right there it's not like he's going to do anything.(not that he would) He's prob ignoring it so as not to embarrass her?????
I don't know, but I don't think I'd put up with much of it.

[norbertsmum]

I hadn't really thought that much into it. But seriously if your marriage had just crumbled would you be thinking of that??? I know thoughts of anyone else would be far from my mind.
She has got her make up on though and made a bit of an effort so she might be feeling a bit better.
If she didn't believe me why is she still here?

[norbertsmum]

BIL has phoned her mobile.....she didn't answer.

[BandofMothers]

Who knows. You said your BIL has done this many times. Maybe she's not as devastated as someone would normally be. Surely this would also be a good way to get back at her hubby. You dh being his brother and all.
Is she wearing perfume??

[Bucketsofdynomite]

Maybe she doesn't think her marriage has crumbled yet. But if I were you I might get myself a glass of wine, bounce in and make yourself comfy on the sofa and say brightly 'So what's the plan then eh?'

Also if splitting up is on the cards, she needs to get back to the marital home for legal reasons so it is officially BIL who has left. Assume your BF has room for him?

[clemsterdarcy]

Some couples actually get off on this type of rolercoaster drama ... sounds like that to me if they have been through it over and again. Kind of like romantacising the 'can't live with/without etcetcetc' ...

and selfishly ignoring anyone in their wake ...

in this case NM that's you (and possibly your BF if she is as vulnerable as you explained ...

If I were you, I'd work on just getting yourself and YOUR core family out of the situation ... I'd bet that SIL and BIL will sort it all out and it will be sunshine and roses again...

Till the next time...

[Daisybelle]

I'm glad that you sorted things with dh. I have to agree with clemsterderby - you have to put you and your immediate family first. Sil and bil may, or may not, make it up in time, but you and dh are not really part of that. Hope dh and you are able to have some time together to talk things thru without sil soon.

[norbertsmum]

SIl still here but not for long! Last night she got really drunk and completely embarrassed herself with my dh - he is fuming.
Today she opened a bottle of red at two and started drinking again. Anyway I've phoned dh at work and he is going to see BIL on his way home and basically tell him to collect his wife and sort out their own mess. Dh is back in the marital home now anyway as his car was there on DH's way to work this morning and when I drove past at about lunchtime.
BF has texted me and says she needs to talk but I texted her back and said I can't right now as SIL is with us, she and dh know everything so I need to stay out of things for a while as enough damage has been done. BF texted back how did SIL know and I said I told her, bf then texted back "thanks for that" I didn't respond.
I'm a bit worried about dh and BIl being together but dh has promised to use restraint and will threaten telling bils boss about recent events and bil's obvious mental instability!
Dh has decided that after tonight we are having nothing to do with BIL again ever, and as little to do with SIL as possible.

[norbertsmum]

i mean bil is back in the marital home!

[hunkeydorey]

I've been following your ongoing saga NM and I'm glad that hopefully things will be getting back to normal for you soon.

I just wondered though, did you use your dh's real name? You've talked about his profession and your bil's and also revealed quite a bit about yourself, I'd be a bit concerned that you've made yourself quite easily identifiable.

Good luck with everything anyway.