I'm in the shit.....

[norbertsmum]

bil is having an affair with my bf, only I know and he knows I know so he's been using me as an excuse to get out (an alibi) anyway sil has become suspicious and accused me of seeing her dh. I denied it but she is threatening to tell dh. I can't tell dh the truth because he will be furious I covered for his brother and my bf knows about a fling I had years ago and has told bil who says he will tell dh if I drop him in it.
Bil says it will all blow over but i'm shitting myself. Do I tell dh and risk loosing him if my fling comes out or what? I have been crying all day and feel terrible. What do I do.

[KezzaG]

Now you have explained it more it cant really be described as an affair, certainly not from your part. Only you know whether telling your dh will wreck your marriage, and also only know whether you could live with the guilt of denying it and lying to him if BIL told him. Not telling something is very different to actually lying about it, but I would do it if my marriage would be ruined otherwise.

I would stop tinking about bf and BIL, tell your dh and sil about them, they deserve what is coming. Concentrate on the decision you need to make about what to tell your dh about you and ex.

[norbertsmum]

bf didn't mean to tell bil he was arrogantly saying rape is impossible if women don't want it - I think he meant physically. She was disagreeing with him and used my situation to elaborate ie, I was very drunk, passed out and woke with my ex inside and ontop of me, I tried to push him off and when I couldn't cried the whole time. I definately didn't want it to happen. She knew as soon as she said it she'd done wrong but couldn't take it back.

[Blu]

You are being blackmailed by your BIL, you were practically date-raped by your ex very shortly after you met DH (so before you were married)...and you still think your DH would side against you in all this? TRue, he wouldn't be happy about the secrecy or covering for the destruction of his brother's marriage or your bf's role in it - who would? But if he loves you he will stick b y you after some understandable questions.

And never ever cover for your BIL or bf again.

[MascaraOHara]

so it wasn't an affair then it was rape. end of.

this is ridiculous, not real is it.

I don't think it's very clever to m ake light of rape.

[KezzaG]

bloody hell, your BIL is blackmailing you over something in which you were a victim. you did not have an affair, you have done nothing wrong and if you do decide to tell your dh you need to tell it like you just did, certianly not as an affair.

I am truely shicked at how awful your BIL sounds.

[norbertsmum]

only bil has threatened to tell bf doesn't know he has yet because I didn't want to tell her.

[gothicmama]

tel bf bil is blackmailing you

[elliot3]

if this comes out can you not make out that your freind had her timing all worng and it happneed when you were together not when you were with dh - can it be proven? if not deny it

[Blu]

sorry, having read your most recent post, I remove the word 'practically' from my post. You were 'date-raped'. Tell your DH. If he doesn't believe you or sympathise, he is well at home in this little nest.

[VeniVidiVickiQV]

norbertsmum. You were raped. I think you should tell your DH about it. Irrespective of anything else going on atm.

Your BIL is despicable if he thinks he can blackmail you about that.

[norbertsmum]

I went back to my ex's house and drank with him then ended up in his bed when I was going out with dh. I shouldn't even of been there it was a long time ago but I was confused and gave out mixed signals. I know it is date rape I knew then but still feel responsible. Dh would not understand. BIL is a bastard and would not tell it how it was.

[Sheraz]

I would send an anon letter to SIL. Then deny you ever sent it. They will be so busy trying to sort the mess out that BIl will look a right shit if he then tells your DH.
What you did is so minor to their deceit.
BIL sounds like a git and DH knows it.

[norbertsmum]

I'm going to have to go dh is back from football. Thank you for your help. I'm gonna have to tell dh something because my eyes are red and he will know something is wrong.

[mylittlestar]

Hope everything is ok?

Did you speak to DH?

FWIW I'd tell him the truth about the BIL situation as soon as possible.

Mention the blackmail as your reason for stalling - but fully explain how you fell into it and I'm sure dh will understand.

It's entirely up to you regarding telling dh about the rape - only you know what to do for the best. If it will damage your relationship with dh and you don't wish to go through it all mentally with him then deny it and blame BIL for his blackmail and making up stories.

You put yourself in a bad situation and you were taken advantage of in the worst possible way. There is absolutely no excuse for what your ex did so do not blame yourself and don't let the past ruin your marriage.

If yo've come clean with dh over everything else (before he finds out from somebody else) then he should have no reason to doubt you.

BIL sounds like a horrible person. Best out of the situation and out of his life altogether IMO

[norbertsmum]

Well when I got off here on Thursday night I told Dh everything - and I mean everything full details about what happened with my ex.
His reaction totally shocked me and I wish I'd told him it all a long time ago.
He was really pissed at his brother and started off being pissed with me but once he knew it all he was lovely and I just cried and cried. We spent most of the night just talking and holding one another.
It was really weird but he knew that something had happened with my ex - he remembered the night even though it was 11 years ago. Apparently he found out I had left the pub with my ex and he called for me and I wasn't in so he had put 2 and 2 together and sussed where I was but he had always assumed I had slept with him but then regreted it because I had acted so weird after with him. He'd never said anything because he said he loved me and didn't really want to face that senario. Now he says he's glad I told him but he doesn't really know how to deal with it. He half wants to kill him but then so much time has passed and we have a good life and 2 beautiful children that he wants to pretend it never happened. The important thing was he didn't blame me not once, not even the fact that I'd ended up with my ex in the first place.
As for the situation with his brother it is a nightmare. Dh was so mad with him more about the blackmail than anything else although he's pretty pissed at my bf too and wants me to drop her (what a mess).
Anyway he phoned me yesterday morning when he got to work and said he had called on the way to his brothers and when bil answered the door dh punched him in the face just once but really hard. SIl came and dh muttered something to her about how bil was not sleeping with me but blackmailing me and then he left and drove to work. The worst of it is that my nephews and niece were in the kitchen and heard everything.
God knows what SIL thinks dh didn't explain anything and I haven't answered the phone at all even though she has called and called (1471).
I'm so worried as bil is in the police and dh is a gp the fallout from all this could be terrible.
When dh came home last night his hand was really sore and he was very quiet, he spent most of the night drinking red wine and watching tv I tried to talk more but he needed space and was very tired so I left it.
He is working this am but will be back later, noone has called this morning. I have sent a text to bf saying the shit has hit the fan but i'm so tired and just want to hide from the rest of it so I'm taking the kids out for the day somewhere I can't be found! I still feel like crying all the time and wish I could just get a grip.

[norbertsmum]

Just wanted to say thank-you if I hadn't of chatted about this on MN the other night I would still be hiding terrible secrets and probably be insane by now. You girls really helped me. I could never of discussed this with anyone in real life.

[UCM]

NM, I just want to say that you did the right thing hun. Your relationship with your DH & your children is the most important thing in the world and by telling all you have sorted that out. Your DH sounds like a really brilliant man. I wouldn't have originally advised that you 'fess all' but in this case, it's worked out ok.

Now, to deal with the other people in this story. They are all a bit rotten bil - for threatening you and having an affair in the first place, tosser. Your BF - for knowing this and letting him do it.

Please don't lose any more sleep over these people. These two were prepared to ruin your marraige over their so called 'relationship'.

Fuck em!

[LucyLemon]

Well done Norbertsmum. I think you were really brave to tell your dh everything - it sounds as though he loves you very much.

I think you need to forget about everyone else now and just focus on your dh and family. No matter how lovely your bf is I would take a big step back. She and your bil have put you in this horrible position and maybe in time you can salvage your friendship but not now.
Personally I would go with exactly what your dh wants. Make sure he realises how much you appreciate him. This is not your fault and hopefully you can learn from this experience and put it behind you.

You must feel awful today but hopefully things cannot get any worse and you just have to get through this phase.

[StrangeTown]

It's a great outcome honestly, I know it probably doesn't feel like this at the moment, but it is. Your relationship with your DH is intact (he sounds pretty fantastic actually) and he still loves you.

I don't think BIL will do anything, he has aleady messed up so much.

PS My comment at the time was obviously rubbish - you know your DH best and I am glad you ignored it.

[mishmash]

NM meant to come back to this thread.

So pleased for you - how dare your BIL blackmail you given the circumstances of the "fling" as you put it.

Hun it wasn't a fling - it was a dreadful act on your ex's part and you should never, NEVER, feel guilty about it.

Good for your DH giving that bil a punch, even if it was in front of his kids - hope his wife sees him for what he really is.

One bitof advice - NEVER EVER COVER UP FOR ANYONE AGAIN! But I'm sure I don't need to tell you that.

[Tortington]

well done your dh is all i can say - what a good person he sounds. what a great person he must be.