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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I'm in the shit.....

129 replies

norbertsmum · 15/02/2007 20:47

bil is having an affair with my bf, only I know and he knows I know so he's been using me as an excuse to get out (an alibi) anyway sil has become suspicious and accused me of seeing her dh. I denied it but she is threatening to tell dh. I can't tell dh the truth because he will be furious I covered for his brother and my bf knows about a fling I had years ago and has told bil who says he will tell dh if I drop him in it.
Bil says it will all blow over but i'm shitting myself. Do I tell dh and risk loosing him if my fling comes out or what? I have been crying all day and feel terrible. What do I do.

OP posts:

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BuffysMum · 17/02/2007 20:46

I agree with NurseryJo on talking to your nephews.

I think I would try and be very brave and admit that you did something wrong and that was not tell their Mum straight away that their Dad was sleeping with someone else.

If you have to get onto why you didn't tell her well that is up to you......

NurseyJo · 17/02/2007 20:53

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BandofMothers · 17/02/2007 21:03

I agree with VVV, I really think that you should let their mother talk to them, esp since they're older and at an age where they will understand this kind of thing more. You don't lnow what she might want to tell them , or not about this. She may be even angrier if she wakes up and finds you've told them something she was going to omit!!
So sorry for your situation.
Perhaps your dh has gone for a quiet think, before he comes back to the chaos.
Agree with most about the best friend. If you're determined to contact her it might be best to wait a few weeks until your dh has calmed down a bit.
Good Luck

BandofMothers · 17/02/2007 21:05

If you don't know what to say try: "I know you're a bit confused about what's happening but I really do think that you should wait until your mum can talk to you about it. It's not really my place to say."
So what if it sounds lame.
Best to err with caution here I think

norbertsmum · 17/02/2007 22:23

Dh back and in the shower he was on a home visit to some relatives he felt a responsibility to - nothing sinister in his abscence. I've told the boys they are staying the night and that basically there have been some misunderstandings that the grown ups need to sort out. 15 year old muttered slut so I pulled him up for it and basically said that I had not been honest with his mum about something but I was in no way involved with his father and whatever he believed to be true was not. He said he heard his father say and I said his father had told a lot of untruths recently and he basically said he didn't believe me. I was a bit sharp with him and told him that no matter what he believed he should show me respect in my own house to which he asked "why is uncle piers gonna hit me next?". What a mess.....

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NurseyJo · 17/02/2007 22:28

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norbertsmum · 17/02/2007 22:31

DH has had no contact with BIL he did drive past SIL house on the way home and BIL's car not there.

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NurseyJo · 17/02/2007 22:34

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norbertsmum · 17/02/2007 22:36

I think BF as doubt he can work with his face how it is right now. SIL has been up to the loo then back to room she didn't even check on the kids. I really can't face anymore now - big day tomorrow.

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Daisybelle · 17/02/2007 22:36

at the whole situation. I think, under the circumstances, you are holding it together really well. Don't worry about your nephew, he is a 15 year old, so is prone to be stroppy at the best of times (and, let's face it, this isn't one of those!) Just hold on in there and remember to put your reletionship with dh and dcs above all else.

Where bf is concerned, at the very most I'd text her to say that you'll be in touch soon, or something similar. At least this may prevent her from trying to get in touch with you.

NurseyJo · 17/02/2007 22:38

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norbertsmum · 17/02/2007 22:40

I don't feel like i'm holding it together - I want to run away. I think dh's harsh words have shook me up and I am trying to get some control back so it's not all on him iyswim.

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shimmy21 · 17/02/2007 22:41

pehaps you should knock on SIL's door and ask if she wants a cup of tea or something to eat? Just thinking that it might break the ice between you and you are both going through agonies at the moment. She must be hurting so much and probably embarrassed to see you after her accusations.

Remember you have done nothing wrong here and nor has she.

norbertsmum · 17/02/2007 22:44

I know your right and it would be the nice thing to do but I just feel too tired to open that can of worms just yet. I feel very selfish and cowardly.

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PeachyClair · 17/02/2007 22:45

Wow what a story¬!

big hugs to you first- holding in a secret like being raped for 11 years is o huge- and finally telling your DH is a big milestone for you both. Hugs to you- and your very lovely Dh for the way he is handling everything.

Your BIL is poisonous, unfortunately a very few people in this world are and they cant touch anything without trying to destroy it. Accept that and hi behaviour will become easier to accept if not understand. your Sil and her family are scared, confused and heartbroken- you said the right thing to the kids, just forgive them now. You sound very forgiving.

your BF- well theres a story. Sunds like she is reacting to her history of nursing her DH through terminal illness and desperately looking for her bit of happiness? A very sad situation. But for the sake of your family, do cool it for a bit. Explain that you lvoe her, you won't lose touch- but right now you have other priorities and need to see how things pan out.

Hugs to you.

just remember as well please that once you disclose a rape it can all come out emotionally, whether it was a day, years or decades ago. rape Crisis are ezcellent if this happens.

shimmy21 · 17/02/2007 22:47

you could say let's not talk about anything yet as we're all so tired but just wondered if you're ready for drink. Keep it surface stuff e.g. do you want to take a bath, the kids are sleeping in that room etc

NurseyJo · 17/02/2007 22:47

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norbertsmum · 17/02/2007 22:47

Thanks Peachy it suddenly feels very raw but I don't have time for that right now iykwim but I will face it when the time is right.

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norbertsmum · 17/02/2007 22:50

It's very weird but only now does it feel like rape before it was something I just felt guilty about and has pushed to the back of my mind.

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Daisybelle · 17/02/2007 22:51

I agree with shimmy21. If you can't offer a cup of tea, maybe some pyjamas or a spare tooth brush. Then you can extend an olive branch while making it clear that you want to go to bed. The sooner you can face her the better for your long term reletionship with her and her dcs.

You are doing very well, I don't know what I'd do in the same situation. Big hugs to you

PeachyClair · 17/02/2007 22:52

Yes that happens (I am another survisor of date rape I am afraid)- there seems to be this big release that comes when you can say that was rape and believe it.

Don't bury it too deep, it needs to be dealt with now or it will bite you!.

You do have your wonderful DH though- I am sure he will eb there for you.

bandstand · 17/02/2007 22:55

What a horrible situation you are in. you must be exhausted. As someone as suggested, perhaps leave her a note so you can face each other in the morning.
and good luck for the morning. the worst is over now isnt it.

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norbertsmum · 17/02/2007 22:57

Shit I'm crying again. Thanks for everything i'm gonna turn in and I will check on SIL as I go.
I can't believe all this has happened in a matter of a couple of days. At least I knew some dh and sil must just be floored.

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shimmy21 · 17/02/2007 23:04

try and sleep nb - it will only get better from now on. There's a lot of talking to come but the worst is over now.

Sleep well. And just think on this - it sounds as if you are the only one in the whole scenario who has held it together for the sake of the kids, not punched anyone, not collapsed and not freaked out. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for.

Daisybelle · 17/02/2007 23:09

Hear Hear Shimmy21! Hope all looks at least a little brighter in the morning x

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