Meeting old flame for first time in 20 years

[shopaholic]

Feeling really excited and miserable at the same time. Contacted 1st ever boyfriend (2 year relationship) on FR and have now arranged to meet up in 2 weeks. He is married too and has been responding to my emails enthusiastically (was originally just lunch now seems to be sacrificing his whole day for me). Problem is I v unhappy with DH at the moment and feel confused. Old boyfriend mega successful barrister, rich, good looking etc.DH bit of a loser, bitter, angry and bad tempered. Should I meet OB or not?

Hmm, I msell danger shopaholic. What are your motives for contacting OB in the first place?

Curiosity and I suppose self consciously a desire for a bit of excitement. reassurance that I'm still attractive to after 20 years (DH ignores me most of time, sex life non-existent)

I am angry with DH because he's patronising towards me most of time too.

Oh God, this is a sticky situation for you. Clearly there are issues with your dh, but I think you might be playing with fire by meeting OB. Is it purely attention you are looking for or would you take it further if OB wanted to?

Shopaholic - please be careful. I would be inclined not to and I suspect you are planning to meet him on his turf as it were! I really would not be inclined to meet him, I would (almost) be willing to put money on the fact that you would come back feeling worse about your dh. Is it not worth putting the effort into going to a relationship counsellor instead? (and giving me your old boyfriend's number You don't need an old boyfriend to make you feel gorgeous!!

Don't know. Not initially anyway. Feel at a crisis point in life where have outgrown present relationship and am only hanging on for the children. Fantasise about leaving when youngest (now 7) is older. Would not want to break up family unit but feel sacrificing own happinness completely at moment

What worries me too is DH although usually v nosy has not asked me about who am meeting (involves a full day out with no childcare respoonsibilities). I haven't told him who it is and he has not asked! Its like he's pretending not to care or he knows that I will come home feeling sad and he will enjoy that.

If and when you do meet up with him, remember that HE has a wife and family too, and even if your relationship with your husband is not going so well at the moment, maybe this meeting could cause a lot of trouble in your ex's marriage. If something were to be rekindled there would be two broken families, not one.

I personally would never meet up with an ex because it would be playing with fire. I've had exes email me and I have never replied and it would be devastating for me if I found my husband had done so. Also, exes are exes for a reason and the past is the past and should remain there. You could be looking at him through rose tinted lenses. If you do decide to leave your husband, do it without a third party. Maybe you should talk to relate about how you are feeling about your marriage.

risky- but probably irresistible

Shopaholic, didn't you post here re same subject a few weeks ago or am I confusing you with someone else? Will do a search before I post .....

Okay Shopaholic, have just searched and realised that it was you who previously posted. Now I don't want to sound heavy here without knowing all the circumstances of your marriage, but on the previous thread you said that your old boyfriend is now married and he and his wife are expecting a baby in October. However unhappy you are in your own marriage, is it really fair to begin a relationship with a married man and potentially ruin his marriage too? (yes, yes, I know it takes two...) In this situation, I feel terribly sorry for his pregnant wife. How will she react if she finds out that the pair of you are sending secret emails, arranging to meet up etc etc. I would just ask you, before you embark on a relationship with a married man, to read some of the many stories of heartbreak on Mumsnet due to affairs. It might make you think twice about playing such dangerous games

Hi Shopaholic, I saw this thread and tried to make a link to another about the same subject, and then I realised that you were also the one who started the other thread...

Further to my previous post this is why, if I could make the same decision again, I wouldn't see my ex, specially if we both seem to be soo interested.

He is an a*se with his ex wife and cheats on his current partner so definitively not the man I want in my life but;

-every time I have sex with DH I am thinking of ex.

-I can't stop comparing DH's earnings and position with ex's

• I can't stop thinking "what if we tried it again, maybe we were meant for each other" this thought is magically romantic but totally out of reality but I still have it very often.

-I do know some nice things about ex but have not seen many bad ones, mainly because I don't know him deeply, however I keep thinking that he might be better that DH even when I know and have proof that's definitively not true.

• I saw him almost three years ago and decided to stop contact shortly afterwards, but I still spend a lot of time trying to find more about him, and check every single place he may visit to see if I could see him (when I'm around of course is not that I am following him, but I keep the silly hope that I may accidentally meet him in these places), or get stupidly happy when somebody tells me they have seen him.

I have never told this before, but seeing this in writing I sound so pathetic!!! I shall see a psychiatrist soon!!!

PS. Interesting to see that you wrote "Old boyfriend mega successful barrister, rich, good looking etc.DH bit of a loser, bitter, angry and bad tempered. Should I meet OB or not? " are you already getting blinded Shopaholic? He is married and is winding you up, do you really think that offers some future? What if you get hooked and your Ex doesn't seem interested?, could you deal with that? it's like risking a solid marriage for a fantasy, isn't it?

I keep contact with other Exs but just because I don't have any romantic interest on them anymore, that, I think, is the only way we can be friends, but that's me, any body can think differently

Oxocube has just said more directly what I was thinking when I wrote my previous post. I would definitely not go and visit him as it would just open Pandora's box and his poor wife who is pregnant with his child would be completely devasted if something should happen (or even that he should meet up with you). I myself would hate to have the burden of knowing I wrecked a marriage...

Hi Shopaholic

Sorry to be blunt but it sounds like a recipe for disaster. I would cancel. I can completely understand how tempting it might esp if things are not great with dh be but no good can come of it (as my granny might say!) And don't want to get on my moral high horse but especially if his wife is pg then tbh he sounds like a sh*t arranging to meet ex-gfs. Do you really want to get involved with someone like that? If it were my dh I'd be devastated.

I know it takes two to ruin a marriage but it only takes one to decide not to...

ignore my previous post didn't realise ex was about to become a dad

thanks for your post Notmyname. You are probably right - it will make me unhappy but the temptation is hard to resist. I keep telling myself that he is only meeting me as a friend (as he has done with others at college) and there is no romantic agenda but p'raps I am kidding myself. I can imagine myself suffering the same feelings as you re your ex, in fact I already have some of those feelings without even seeing him.

I suppose I must be rather lonely as we have been exchanging emails about music (no one I know shares my taste for opera) and for the first time for ages I feel alive and like a separate person from family. Its so addictive.

Shopaholic, if you attend may opera functions you will find somebody who shares your interests, and you don't even need to get any romantic bonus in the process. I used to love opera, and found DH irresistible because he loves it dearly, but having being married with him for few years I can tell you that I loved that he could sing Aida from beginning to end on the time it toke us to get from the airport to home (long way to the airport as you can appreciate), now every time he tries to play it I feel like killing him

But agree with the rest, I don't think is worth the risk...

not may but MANY

Shopaholic, please don't get the wrong idea - I'm sure everyone understands those feelings (especially when you become a mum, sometimes I really wonder where the old me went) - and it's lovely to have someone who seems to understand and share this with you. If you can honestly say you think it will be innocent chats about opera then maybe... But from your posts it's pretty clear there's more to it than that and that there is a 'romantic agenda' - then it's a potential nightmare for everyone.

I know what it is like to have an interest that no-one else is interested in. I studied opera before I moved country and became a mum and everyone I used to know (including exes) was involved in classical music. My husband has different taste in music and is not really into it but that is ok. I think that is just a symptom of the other problems that are there in the marriage. If you want to fulfil that part of your life you should join a choir because you will meet many like-minded people and you will broaden your circle of friends (I have just joined one recently and I'm loving it). There's nothing wrong with wanting to be a seperate person, being a Mum can be all-consuming and you can lose the person you once were if you are not careful.

I sympathise Shopoholic, I really do. I am about to embark on an affair with a much younger man. I love my husband, but something is missing, that dh does not/will not/cannot provide. I am not proud of it, and feel dreadful for the harm I could inflict, but I almost feel it is inevitable. I do hope things turn out in a way that makes you happy.

well, here's another angle for you. I have been happily with my dh for oh...20 years. During thta time I have met up with two of my serious ex-es and my husband has briefly met them too. Both these exes were serious boyfriends ( obviosly not at the same time and I didn't meet up with them together). When I was going out with each of them I loved them - and still loved them after we broke up. They caused me much, much heartbreak.

So imagine how it felt to strike up a friendship with them again and then see them after many years. It was nerve wracking but really good. Yes, my heart did the odd flutter and yes, they did invade my thoughts for a long time before and after, but it was really thereputic seeing then as older men. Seeing how far we had both come since our twenties, seeing they had faults and were not the super creatures I had remembered them to be. It finally put a lid on thoughts of 'what if'. And in both cases we managed to find a middle ground - friendship of sorts and nothing more. I have been chatting to one via email just this evening. It's really nice to think they are still in my life a little bit. It stops the yearning as my more mature self can see their ordinaryness much more clearly than my infatuated 20 year old self could.

I am thinking you should cancel your lunch/all day date with him and fill your time with doing something extra special like meeting up with some old girlfriends for a day at the spa

temptation! Really know what you mean, but on balance is it worth it, Shopaholic?? Can relate to what Regularuser says too - brave decision to make though...