Meeting old flame for first time in 20 years

[shopaholic]

Feeling really excited and miserable at the same time. Contacted 1st ever boyfriend (2 year relationship) on FR and have now arranged to meet up in 2 weeks. He is married too and has been responding to my emails enthusiastically (was originally just lunch now seems to be sacrificing his whole day for me). Problem is I v unhappy with DH at the moment and feel confused. Old boyfriend mega successful barrister, rich, good looking etc.DH bit of a loser, bitter, angry and bad tempered. Should I meet OB or not?

I can't say more han the rest but if the things are so bad with your marriage, Relate can help lots if only to help you get out of this marriage in the less painful form. Good luck Shopaholic and please keep posting.

shopaholic: my (unpopular) opinion is that you should meet up with him. There is obviously unfinished business between you, and this meeting may allow for closure (pardon the cliche) instead of opening up something new, which is what other posters on here seem to think is inevitable.

I met up with my ex a few times--not a serious ex, but someone I was dazzled with back when I was 24 and he was 37. I saw him again a few times this year when I was temporarily living near him. . .and was unimpressed. I thought to myself, "What a screwed up man. Thank goodness he dumped me." (Though it was hard at the time when he dumped me!) Ironically, HE now fancies ME, so it was with much satisfaction that I rebuffed his advances. I felt empowered and confident by the new balance of power, and felt for a moment less hideous and beaten down by life than I've felt since having children.

You have a right to pursue happiness/confidence. As women we are so caught up in worrying about everyon else's happiness. If the ex wants to meet with you, then he probalby wouldn't turn down an opportunity to meet with another woman. I don't think his marriage is your responsibility.

But what is your responsibility is how you handle his advances IF things do go in that direction (and they may not)!

But I see now you've cancelled it, so I'm late in speaking up. But I felt another opinion should be expressed.

Crunchie - you absolutely hit the nail on the head! I am crying out for DH to notice me I think that that is what this is all about (by the way it was ME who contacted ex first). Not sure where to go from here tho'. If I tell DH about fact that I was tempted to meet ex I am sure he would just laugh and not take it seriously. In fact he never takes ANYTHING I say seriously esp when I am being talking emotions.

BTW ex has been emailing me to ask why no meeting and pleading with me to change my mind. Much pressure being exerted.

shopahoic - expatkat might have a point? Very difficult for you though, whatever you decide so thinking of you

Feel confused and unhappy. Wish now that I had never contacted him in 1st place (FR curse and all that). It feels now tho as if a barrier has been crossed and its difficult to go back

What would happen if you told your dh that you had an 'admirer'?

From personal experience (the FR curse as well!!!), I'd say you have to be absolutely sure what you want out of the meeting before you meet up with your ex - and stick to it. Otherwise your feelings at the time can take over etc etc.

Shopaholic, do you thin your DH is the sort of person that some people call an "emotional abuser". I don't know the correct translation of this term.

I had a relationship with somebody like that, he never beat me but my selsteem become so bad that I really found it difficult to recover, now I think that he used to diminish my merits because it was the only way in which he could feel like a valuable person. Took me 2 years to leave him, his comments on the likes of "nobody would be interested in somebody like you" where worse really than a good kick... If you think this is happening, look for help, probably if you talk about this to somebody who you trust you may get the confidence to stand for your self.

Yes, and when I said somebody was interested on me he laughed his head of, the poor fool still thinks I still have feelings (romantic ones) towards him even though I can't despise him more.

I think if you decide to cancel you have to be absolutely sure it is the right choice for you. Otherwise you will just be wondering what if, and only end up meeting him further down the line. Good luck.

Noddy5 he'd probably laugh or just say 'oh really'. wobblyknicks - well I'm not going so its academic now but I would have probably wanted attention and admiration (romance) ie what is missing from my marriage (and maybe the other thing as well, but he probably won't fancy me any more as when we last met it was 20 years ago and I had a model figure.

Well I hadn't seen the person I met up with for about 4 years and back then I was THIN (literally tiny, no waist, arse or thighs at ALL!) and when we met up, I had huge thighs, saggy tits, saggy baby belly and stretchmarks and it didn't make any difference so don't bank on him not fancying you.

yes chandra there is a bit of that going on 'emotional abuse'. He would deny it of course!

wobblyknicks - OMG really!! I thought all men were superficial - or are they just sex mad?!

thats interesting beetroot. Its nice to hear that something positive could come out of a meeting. Most people seem to think only negative things re this sort of thing. What an ego boost!

Yep, I think they're all just sex mad - anything for a s**g!!!! To be fair to the guy in question, I think he was more interested in my personality.

shopaholic

I think if you meet him you are just setting yourself up to be let down.

If you meet, gaze into each other's eyes, and immediately fall in love again, you will be damaging 2 marriages. Yours may (or may not) be in trouble, but you are still married. His is obviously a live marriage with a baby on the way. imagine how his wife would feel.

BUT BUT

What if you meet up, and he is not what you remember or imagine him to be. He may now be fat and bald, with bad breath, B.O. and a fine line in really boring conversation (emails can be sooooo deceptive). You will feel so let down, disillusioned, more frustrated with your life than you are now.

Really, DON'T DO IT.

P.s. apologies to any really lovely fat, bald men with bad breath and B.O. out there.

lol @ your p.s easy [grin}

EASY - he has told me that he is'not as thin as he used to be' actually (was like a stick). interesting

ah ha, and what hasn't he told you !!!

Your dh's behaviour towards you is ATROCIOUS shopaholic. He really needs to take your unhappiness seriously. I suppose the others are right - involvement with a married man would be a very bad idea - but I couldn't blame you for wanting a bit of love and attention from another man, not for one moment.

Slightly off topic, but I went to a wedding the other week, and bumped into a bloke I hadn't seen for 18 years. He said to me, what ahppened , you used to be waif like , a la KAte Moss, but now you are just normal (I'm a size 10)! Thought it was a bit rich coming from a man who had piled on at least 4 stone.