Meeting old flame for first time in 20 years

[shopaholic]

Feeling really excited and miserable at the same time. Contacted 1st ever boyfriend (2 year relationship) on FR and have now arranged to meet up in 2 weeks. He is married too and has been responding to my emails enthusiastically (was originally just lunch now seems to be sacrificing his whole day for me). Problem is I v unhappy with DH at the moment and feel confused. Old boyfriend mega successful barrister, rich, good looking etc.DH bit of a loser, bitter, angry and bad tempered. Should I meet OB or not?

well then you are very lucky tigermoth! and you clearly didn't meet them with the same background and mental expectations as shopaholic has - "Old boyfriend mega successful barrister, rich, good looking etc. DH bit of a loser, bitter, angry and bad tempered...". I think that she is putting herself in a very risky situation...

I have an ongoing relationship with an ex boyfriend which is emotionally exhausting and ultimately probably damaging to each of our marriages (especially his as his wife has always been deeply jealous of my mere existence), but somehow neither of us can terminate contact. We went out 12 years ago, split up 10 years ago, didn't talk for about 3 years, and then started e-mailing, talking and meeting up. Long discussions about why we split up, raking over the relationship, complete honesty about how we felt about each other then, dawning realisation that we still love each other despite the fact that we are in good relationships with partners we love and have children with...... aurgh. So we are completely faithful to our partners physically, but mentally? Somewhat screwed up. We meet twice a year, in public, no alcohol, which is as much as we can take. And speak intermittently the rest of the time - sometimes 3 times a week, sometimes once every 6 weeks. It can be very unsettling, it can be very reassuring (aren't we lucky to have so many people who love us absolutely?) but I guess I wouldn't wish it on anyone else.

Bloody hell, that was a bit of a cathartic post!

So Tigermoth - don't do it. Especially if you feel your marriage is slightly ropey - that would have been fatal for me.

whoops, sorry, meant shopaholic in the last line, not tigermoth, OH sensible one..!

Thanks so much for all your advice mumnetters. It really is giving me food for thought. I guess I hope it will turn out like Tigermoth's experiences, but will probably end up like Princesspeahead and feel really bittersweet about whole thing. Another thing that occurred to me last night was that the lunch table is booked at the Savoy Grill which means of course that there is a room available above us. Is this significant (choice of restaurant is his as nearby his chambers). Am I being too suspicious?

It seems you have decided to give it a go, I think it would be very naive to think he doesn't have other intentions, after all you are travelling far to see him, and maybe you have already told him that you don't feel very well about your marriage?, otherwise he would be inviting you for dinner to meet his-soon-to-be-mother-of-his child rather than inviting you for a lunch in a hotel. But if you really want to go all the way, having a room upstairs may come very handy...

It is dangerous shopaholic but I can totally sympathise. I certainly wasn't able to resist on the occasions this has happened to me. It's symptomatic of trouble in your marriage of course - and I'm assuming you have tried to improve things, but it sounds like your DH isn't making any effort himself and that is just as destructive to your marriage as what you are planning to do IMO. Trouble is, if you got found out, no-one would see it like that - it would all be your fault! Unfair but true

Read "The Bride Stripped Bare" (available on amazon) - I think it'll ring a few bells!

And most of all, good luck X

Thanks for being so positive Spacemonkey. How many times has this kind of thing happened to you? I really am at the end of my tether with DH and no he is making no effort at all to improve things. I am always suggesting going out together as a couple, having sex etc. he's just not interested. He has always had low libido (ie, never wants to) and this has left me with critically low self esteem (although other men are always telling him I'm attractive apparantly. Feel as though I am withering away. Whats more when we do have sex he always pulls my tummy and says its fat focussing on my worst feature (its only flabby after 2 kids and I's a size 10-12).

We went to Relate once after particularly bad time and he said it was a waste of time. He always says to me if I'm not happy I should just leave.

Yes dinosaur he is v insecure. He used to be high flying banker when we first got together with excellent job but somehow (although he is v intelligent Oxford graduate) has fluffed every career opportunity since with the result that we had to sell our house in London and move back to Midlands. This has made him v bitter, he has no real friends and is miserable.

Now and then there is a spark of the old DH but not too often. Everything is overlaid with bitterness and anger. He swears constantly, for example, at me and the children who get v upset by it. He does know that I think of him as being a bit of a loser. In a working world where your salary is used as a guide to your success - he earns less now than 20 years ago doing the same job. He has always promised me unrealistic things he can't possibly deliver and seems to delight in raising my hopes only to dash them. He belittles any achivement I make too.

To be honest I am only sticking around for the children as I value the family unit above all else and have often threatened to leave when they are older in the past just as a cry for help but now I really mean it.

I am horrified at what you are thinking of doing. I am really sympathetic to the problems that you are having , but first you sort out your marriage including separation if thats the best for you, then you look for a new partner. Has this guys wife any idea of what is going on? Can you even imagine how desperate she will feel if she finds out? I'm afraid there are no circumstances that make what you are doing acceptable.

maybe she posts on here?

How can you say that you value the family unit above everything else, you obviously mean YOURS only because you have no respect for his future family unit

GRMUM I understand what you are saying, but the fact is I am only meeting up for lunch (if at all)

Thanks dinosaur! You seem to understand.

Have just decided not to meet up. Seem like it could cause too much trouble all round and have voicemailed him to say its all off. Feel v miserable as a result

Just tell me I've done the right thing ... please!!

Shopaholic,I do think you are right to cancel your date. Your situation at home seems pretty horrid but I'm afraid I totally agree with Grmum that you need to sort out the marriage first: it may well be that you do leave and at least then you would be free to look for another more fulfilling relationship. Just please don't embark on a relationship with someone you know to be married. And when you say 'its only lunch', I don't think you really believe that - you have already thought about the rooms in the Savoy and no doubt so has the old boyfriend.

I really hope you find a way to be happy but this way doesn't seem at all fair to me

shopaholic, you know you are doing the right thing by not meeting, even if it is hard.

I get the sense from your posts that you would actually almost welcome the explosion that may happen if you meet, and in a way want it. Since this could free you from an unhappy marriage. It's like throwing a pebble in a pond and watching the ripple effct. You could blame any result on your ex this way nd it wouldn't be YOUR fault that your marriage ended (I mean he contacted you)

In so many ways I understand what you are going through (not that I have ever had an ex even TRY to contact me!), but I think you need to decide what you want for you. You could go to relate alone if you want, this could give you the bottle to leave now to find you own happiness, or it could give you the understanding of your DH and decide to stay. TBH I think you need to sort out your own life rather than f**k up everyone elses. That sounds harsh and isn't meant to, what I suppose I mean is that if you are so unhappy in your current relationship, get out, don't make excuses and say you'll stay for the kids. It will upset them at any age. However if you decide to stay, you have to do it with good grace and to work at it. Although your dh doesn't seem bothered either way, I think you are simply crying out for him to notice you.

Personally if you want to blow things wide open, why not tell your DH how tempted you were and how you really wanted to go. Then say you didn't, and explain why not. This could get the result you wanted without hurting the other family

PS a situation like this happened with me, when I was tempted to have an affair. I didn't have one, but DH found out that I was contemplating it. It was really the catalyst that made us sort out worrying aspects of our marriage, and to seek help. I think our relationship got stronger as he realised his actions were impacting on me far more than he knew. ANd that he was close to losing me.

Crunchie, you have just said much more eloquently what I meant to say.