Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Meeting old flame for first time in 20 years

182 replies

shopaholic · 22/06/2004 16:35

Feeling really excited and miserable at the same time. Contacted 1st ever boyfriend (2 year relationship) on FR and have now arranged to meet up in 2 weeks. He is married too and has been responding to my emails enthusiastically (was originally just lunch now seems to be sacrificing his whole day for me). Problem is I v unhappy with DH at the moment and feel confused. Old boyfriend mega successful barrister, rich, good looking etc.DH bit of a loser, bitter, angry and bad tempered. Should I meet OB or not?

OP posts:
tigermoth · 24/06/2004 20:30

shopaholic, I just wanted to add a little more - I am not really mrs senisible when it comes to relationshiops ( thanks Princesspeahead ). I was just lucky, I guess, that meeting up with my old flames didn't lead on to anything else. But I think it also helped that I have been on the receiving end of a steady boyfriend's unfaithfullness - with my blessing, he met up with a serious ex to sort out some possessions. He ended up having an affair with her. It hurt me terribly at the time. But - and here's the point I want to make - it didn't work out. They didn't stay together and I took my boyfriend back.

I have seen the same thing happening to other friends - they meet up with old exes and if there is an affair, it does not lead to new a permanent relationship. I know there are exceptions but I have never seen them.

I am under no illusions when I see my two old flames - I know they will never leave their partners because of me, even if life is not all roses for them. And I would never leave my partner for them.

If you feel you can meet your ex, knowing that he will never leave his wife, then go for it. If this is really not possible for you, then don't - you run a big risk of getting hurt.

If you have been emailing each other for only two weeks, emotions are running high. I'd delay for a while at any rate, keep emailing generally - even phone. You can then ask more about his life, his relationships, though don't expect him to tell you the truth. But if he is on the level and a decent sort of man, he might well convey he is happy with his wife and wants to see you as a friend. You can at least give him this chance.

Also, by waiting, you are giving yourself a chance get over the first flush of the email reunion. You never know, you might even end up finding his emails rather boring in a month or two.

must dash! sorry for ending quickly

babysteffee · 24/06/2004 22:57

sobernow, I'm really sorry and can't imagine what you're going through. It's not your fault, and these 'mutual friends' are not very good friends if they even hint that you ruined his life. He made his own decisions.

shopaholic, there is a huge chance you might not even fancy mr barrister, and there's a huge chance he might not fancy you, but you could turn out to be great friends... after all, you both must have liked each other a little, and you have been emailing. His wife and family is his responsibility, not yours. You won't be being unfaithful to them, only to your husband who quite frankly, imo deserves it.

You've cancelled this meeting, so keep it cancelled, but still email each other if you want to. Life's too short to feel so guilty that you can't even have friends. Or to spend your life being miserable...

I have a friend who is pregnant to someone other than her husband, btw, so there could be two sides to his infidelity problem, if he has one... nobody knows what's happened. And if things are perfect, he won't even consider risking that.

oxocube · 24/06/2004 23:09

Oh Babysteffee, I think you are being so unfair here to the wife involved in Shopaholic's scenario: how can you say that "his wife and family is his responsibility, not yours"? I feel very sorry for Shopaholic - her situation sounds horrible - but to ignore the fact that her actions can have repercussions is simply irresponsible.

tigermoth · 25/06/2004 18:16

I don't think that meeting up with an old ex as old friends is a bad thing in itself. That's not being unfaithful. I'd hate to think my husband would consider it unthinkable for me to have male friends - especially people who go back a long way. He has female friends, too. Of course it can take tact and sensibility to make sure the other partner doesn't feel threatened, but it's possible.

It's meeting up with the intent to start an affair that makes it bad for the partners left behind. If shopaholic chooses to meet up with this man IMO that in itself is nothing to feel guilty about. But I think it was wise to cancel the meeting for the moment.

And I agree with babysteffee - there's a good chance there will be no spark of passion when you do see each other. My ex who emails me for instance - I don't even bother to open and read his messages for a day or two when I'm busy, yet 20 years ago I regularly cried myself to sleep over him

babysteffee · 25/06/2004 19:06

I'm sorry if I appeared to be insensitive in my previous post...

Not one message in this thread has said this man is a pig for booking a meal in a hotel and possibly ruining Shopoholics marriage. Only that her OBs wife is pregnant. And she could ruin theirs.

My sister had a relationship with a married man a year ago and knew nothing of his wife and family. She was devestated when she found out she'd split a family up, but even his wife said if it hadn't been her it would have been someone else.

If my husband cheats on me it's his betrayal and the woman he does it with owes me nothing as far as I'm concerned... I'm sorry if that sounds bad.

Original poster
shopaholic · 25/06/2004 19:39

Thanks babysteffee for putting the other side of the story. I agree that his marriage is not my responsibility just as my marriage is not his. We only email as friends after all there has been no romantic content at all.

OP posts:
gettingthere · 26/06/2004 01:32

shopaholic - I don't know, but it seems to me that sometimes if a relationship is going badly, a contact (in person or by e-mail) lifts self esteem and helps put current situations in context. The 1st ever boyfriend always has a place somewhere, and if he makes you feel better about yourself, there need be no romantic content at all - but you may feel better. Sometimes we all need our self worth to be reinforced - and I don't think that's a bad thing. E-mail or lunch do not equate to an affair. Of course both can lead to that, but that's a very different question and one only you (and he) could answer. If there's an opportunity of a good friendship for both of you (and I don't think I'm being naive - but some will!!) then go for it.

Original poster
shopaholic · 26/06/2004 20:18

Thanks gettingthere you have given a really 100% positive opinion! I hope you are right - my self esteem could certainly do with a boost. At the moment I feel so wretched that its difficult even for me to make small talk with mums at the school gate. Its a vicious circle, the more unhappy you are the less easy social contact becomes and people start to think that you are cold and unfriendly, so you feel worse etc.

OP posts:
gettingthere · 27/06/2004 01:29

Shaopaholic - I'm sorry you are feeling so bad - I think you're right, it can be a vicious circle. Are you making sure you leave time for yourself - obviously our children need time, so do other people (husband in your case) - but we all need 'me' time - that sounds selfish and I don't intend it that way - but a time to recharge batteries etc. Then, somehow, its easier to metaphorically put shoulders back and stride!! (bad description but you know what I mean)!!

jampot · 27/06/2004 01:36

Hi shopaholic - how are you feeling?

Original poster
shopaholic · 27/06/2004 16:17

Not too bad today Jampot as had successful shopping trip with best friend (superficial I know!). Thanks for asking. DH being nice at the moment. Have decided to go to lunch with old boyfriend after all what the heck you only live once (as far as we know).

OP posts:
mummytosteven · 27/06/2004 16:18

Hope you have a nice time at lunch - you deserve to be spoilt a bit. But probably best not to have too much wine, so you don't say/do something you might later regret.

regularuser · 27/06/2004 16:57

Shopaholic I completely know what you mean about only living once. I know I am not in agreement with many others on here, but I understand why you want to meet. Things between dh and I are so up and down, everytime things go wrong it is pushing me closer and closer to this man. I am now counting the days until we meet up and the affair starts, rather than feeling guilty. Sometimes talking does no good. I have tried and tried and tried, but the resolutions we agree on are never followed through by dh, so I am giving up now.

Original poster
shopaholic · 27/06/2004 17:06

regularuser - is this an old boyfriend or someone you have recently met?

OP posts:
beetroot · 27/06/2004 17:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

jampot · 27/06/2004 17:15

Yeah have a good time shopaholic and come back on here and tell us how it went whatever happens....

Original poster
shopaholic · 27/06/2004 17:17

Thanks Beetroot but will have to be v restrained as he has promised a glass of Tattinger Rose as aperitif......... Will stick to spritzer as champagne goes straight to my head. regularuser are you there? Would like to chat to you.

OP posts:
dinosaur · 27/06/2004 17:23

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

regularuser · 27/06/2004 17:27

Hi Shopaholic. No he isn't an old flame, I met him almost a year ago. We have been intimate once already, but when i see him again it will be crunch time iyswim, as we have been circling around each other for a while since it happened. He is also a lot younger than me.

Sorry I can't stay around for long as dh may be home shortly.

Original poster
shopaholic · 27/06/2004 17:32

regularuser - is he married? What was the deciding factor that put the relationship on a physical level?

OP posts:
Original poster
shopaholic · 27/06/2004 17:46

Shall we continue conversation tomorrow RU. Assume not convenient to talk.

OP posts:
codswallop · 27/06/2004 17:47

pph I thought YOU were shopaholic!

regularuser · 27/06/2004 18:13

Sorry I couldn't post just now.

He isn't married, but he knows I am, and that I have children. In fact the night I told him I was married etc, was the night we spent together. What put it on a physical level? Plain and simple lust.

Original poster
shopaholic · 27/06/2004 19:00

DO you intend to stay with DH or just until children are older, is this just an affair or do you wish it could be more?

OP posts:
regularuser · 27/06/2004 20:20

I don't know tbh wrt dh. I know this is just an affair though, I don't want a long term thing out of it.