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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Onit's still on it! Thread 3

985 replies

onitlikeacarbonnet · 23/11/2016 13:49

Hello to anyone who's still here Smile

Links to previous threads.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2658829-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2690159-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me-follow-up-thread-Onits-on-it

I'm carrying on with this as I'm certain I'd be in a much unhappier state without the support I've received here.
This has become my journal of sorts and I hope it's something I can look back on in time to see how far I've come.
I also hope it helps to document the truth of my situation for the future and perhaps, if read by others, will offer help and hope to them too.

OP posts:
MrsPeelyWally · 15/12/2016 04:53

Put it out there that his behaviour is abusive and his constant texts are harassing.

Im sorry but thats the last thing you do to someone who is more than likely a Narcissist at the very least.

Taking control in a positive way is the way forward. Poking a snake with a stick and seeing what happens next isn't.

UptheAnty · 15/12/2016 07:07

I second what has already been said -

Your text is good but substitute"I request", for agathas suggestion.

You don't need to make requests and wait for approval. What you are asking for is perfectly reasonable and acceptable behaviour between two adults no longer in a relationship.
The dc will be ok onit, I promise you. No matter what he does or says it will not be worse than how it's playing out in your head. Don't you think he knows that your anxiety and stress is tied in with your dcs? He's using your love for them to hold you in place for his own gain. Don't let him abuse your love for them this way.

MsPavlichenko · 15/12/2016 08:17

I know it is hard to get your head around after years of his controlling behaviour, but you don't have to respond directly to him at all.

He has chosen to share with you (allegedly) when/what he is planning to say/do with his lawyer. His choice. You can simply choose to wait, and have your lawyer respond, and the point re mediation can be made them. You say you feel you should let him know before he sees his lawyer. Why? I suspect because you are so conditioned to doing what you think he wants/needs and to manage his response. But you no longer need to , and more difficult (I know) you need to break the pattern yourself.

If you really want contact to be for essential info only, what better way to show him. By your lawyer telling him so. He won't like it, and you'll worry about his reaction. But you are anyway and this can be a step along the way of you leaving his control.

underitoveritthroughit · 15/12/2016 13:36

Financial discussions became unmanageable when he threatened me with removing a portion of maintenance (but wouldn't say how much)
It was at that point I felt I had no choice but to involve a lawyer.
It got easier then because I knew he wouldn't directly threaten me.

He is doing the same thing now by using threats to harm my children. (I understand he doesn't believe what he is doing to be harmful, but he knows that I do)
I am blamed for lawyering up but I have been backed into a corner. I never wanted to waste what little I have on solicitors but what do I do. He has proved he won't listen to reason or provide me with it.

I still haven't responded and there haven't been anymore texts.
He has them tonight after school and not again till Monday.
He may very well do it without my consent between next Wednesday evening and Christmas Eve morning but, so be it. He has proved he will do what he wants when he wants or use my fear to get me to do what he wants. He is manipulating my children to make it seem they are leading him.

underitoveritthroughit · 15/12/2016 13:54

It seems I have some side effects from the ADs Envy that's sickness and feeling dizzy/faint.
I haven't gone out today. I'm worried to drive. I'm supposed to be meeting up with friends for drinks later but I think I'll have to cry off.
I've had a nap but don't feel any better. Annoyed. And got too much to do to waste a day on the couch/in bed. Aarrgghhhh

TheSilveryPussycat · 15/12/2016 14:31

The solicitor is not a waste. And it matters not if he blames you for instructing one.

ADs may take a while to kick in - when do you take them? Eating a dry biscuit with them may help allay the nausea, if it's anything like my experience, and it'll probably stop happening fairly quickly. Plenty of technical support re ADs on the MH thread, who are a lovely lot.

TheSilveryPussycat · 15/12/2016 14:33

*thread=Board

underitoveritthroughit · 15/12/2016 14:47

I only started on them yesterday silvery. I've been on them before but don't remember dizziness.

Instructing a solicitor shows I'm obstructive and unreasonable. I'm sure that's what his family and friends think. And they were my family and friends too.
I couldn't give a shit what he thinks but I do care what my pil think.
I know I shouldn't, but I do.

I'm struggling with my feelings for them. I wanted to ask if they'd met EBF or if she was going to be sitting in my chair at their table on Christmas Day, and mentioned it to my counsellor who advised me not to ask. Because there's no answer which won't hurt me. And she's right. It's like death by a thousand paper cuts and I'm dreaming of quicker methods to try to quicken it Xmas Sad

TheM3ShipsCameSailingIn · 15/12/2016 16:16

onit De-lurking to encourage you to go out tonight, even if you need to get a lift with someone. It might feel like shit initially, but your friends will help lift your mood. ps. It's worth checking that your ADs don't interact with alcohol beforehand!

underitoveritthroughit · 15/12/2016 16:26

I'll be on soft drinks TheM3 as I need to drive at least a bit of the way and it feels like I've got a hangover now.
Really want to go even if I feel rotten

Mix56 · 15/12/2016 17:16

onit.......; was just having a silent rant to myself on your behalf
Instructing a solicitor shows I'm obstructive and unreasonable oh please tell him to fuck off, (its laughable) tell him to move on & to start undermining & controlling DNS (drunken bitch slut) ......: Tosser

Mix56 · 15/12/2016 17:17

have had a wee glass of red here, & looking for cause to serve :o)

underitoveritthroughit · 15/12/2016 17:39

Have a glass for me mix
I've put a bit of mascara and concealer on. I look a bit more human even if I don't feel it.
DC home soon. Dsis shortly after.

Wonder how his solicitors appointment was Hmm

Mix56 · 15/12/2016 17:56

The sad fucker, you do not need to think about his Solicitor's aptmt.
please go out & try & forget him for tonight........

AgathaF · 15/12/2016 20:02

Don't think about his appointment. Just go out and enjoy yourself.

myfriendnoel · 15/12/2016 22:54

Dizziness is a fairly common side effect of a few AD's-it shouldn't last longer than a week at most.
I hope you went out onit, and are having a good time if you did

underitoveritthroughit · 15/12/2016 23:12

On my way back to my car now.
Needing my bed now. Glad I went. It's weird being alone walking through a busy city. I used to do it all the time but tonight I felt apprehensive. It's like I'm more aware of my insignificance to the world whilst recognising that I am my dcs world.
Just about home now. I hope my DC are kind to me tomorrow morning and the dizziness doesn't come back. Got lots to get done tomorrow. No time for slacking now

AgathaF · 16/12/2016 09:26

Glad you had a nice time. Hopefully the dizziness is over with now. If it does persist beyond a week or so, then maybe a change of AD would do the trick.

underitoveritthroughit · 16/12/2016 11:20

I need a kick up the arse!
I have stuff to do. Important stuff and, after dropping the dc at school I've slept on the couch for 2 hours, procrastinated so long I don't have time to go to shops for food I need (for later today) I'm still in pjs (that I walked dc to school in Blush.
I have a friend coming over later and it won't matter that I'm in a state for her.
I feel like I've gone backwards. I just want to curl up now and I haven't felt like that for months. Not since the first weeks Sad

underitoveritthroughit · 16/12/2016 11:21

No dizziness today though so that's good

myfriendnoel · 17/12/2016 06:41

It's the ad's kicking in onit. It will take a week or so for them to settle in.I work in mental health (and,well, I'm my own best customer as well obvs), and lots of people actually feel worse for the first few weeks of taking them-prescribers don't tell you that, or over emphasise it to much anyway as it would put people off taking something they need.It's worth persevering (unless you have a massive physical reaction of course).Hope you are feeling better today.

underitoveritthroughit · 17/12/2016 12:30

Lost a post Confused

Actually showered and dressed which is a step up from the past couple of days.

Totally knackered mentally and physically. Haven't felt like this for years. Not sure how I'm doing tbh; I've had to reward him the same load of washing twice already and I still can't get it hung up.
How I'm going to get Christmas finished I've no clue. Still got some gifts to get and food for Christmas Day.
I just can't motivate myself. Dc got their own breakfast and have watched tv all morning. Playing a game with them now and got a friend and her dc coming shortly but my head is aching. I woke myself up in the night because I was clenching my teeth so hard.
I've lost my positivity. Help me get it back Sad

TheSilveryPussycat · 17/12/2016 12:40

You need a rest. Is there much left to do? (I have still to finish, I'm at my usual "needing to finish Christmas" freeze point Blush )

underitoveritthroughit · 17/12/2016 12:44

Reward = rewash

underitoveritthroughit · 17/12/2016 12:48

Got gifts to get for my family. And something for LCB from the dc. I'll do that tomorrow with them. They want to get him a book.
Still got a turkey to get and snacks bits and bobs.
I haven't wrapped anything and not sure exactly how much I've got for dc so may need to grab a few wee smaller things to even it out.
But I can't even get on top of the washing and my own personal hygiene so I'm worried.