Onit's still on it! Thread 3

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Hello to anyone who's still here

Links to previous threads.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2658829-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2690159-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me-follow-up-thread-Onits-on-it

I'm carrying on with this as I'm certain I'd be in a much unhappier state without the support I've received here.
This has become my journal of sorts and I hope it's something I can look back on in time to see how far I've come.
I also hope it helps to document the truth of my situation for the future and perhaps, if read by others, will offer help and hope to them too.

As usual onit you are conducting yourself impeccably.
I ageee wholeheartedly with your approach to the D.C.

Onit, you are doing so well !
He used the threat of her meeting the DC to bully me into agreeing to discuss more contact. ....... And when I call I will say he is abusive and I'm being blackmailed into it.^
Don't call TEXT, or EMAIL.....
it is relatively easy for him to bludgeon you verbally on the phone. Cut the phone calls out, only text & email. that way you have time to decide to read, decide to reply & time to think it all through? You must tell him that you will not be responding to his phone calls, they are no longer necessary, the contact is in place, you have your life to lead & it includes him as little as possible. This will have a double side sword effect, he cannot corner you into ceding to his demands when overbearing/manipulating verbally, it will remove the pressure of his bullying (& it will really piss him off :o)

Of course at the moment he is bullying for more contact, but does the
"Easy Shag" want them under her feet all the time? will they like her? will she like them? (particularly if they are difficult, sick, tired) This contact is going to be in her flat? it may cramp her style, she may not be able to get shit faced on the sofa in front of the TV, the kids may be on it watching kids TV !!! or throwing the cushions about, or felt penning her walls !
She doesn't have kids, she has NO idea of the full time job it is... we are all hoping they make her life a nightmare

It's ok mix, I don't mean when I call him. I mean when I call the family mediation service. I will tell them he's abusive. I have no intention of telling him he's abusive. If he can't figure that out by himself I'm not going to help him by naming his problem for him.
I haven't deliberately spoken to him on the phone or face to face for months.
Last weekend when he called for the umpteenth time I snsweeed but my friends were with me and I only said what I'd said in a previous text.

Doc has put me back on citalopram. I've previously suffered quite acute anxiety and I guess I am again.
He has also given me a very small dose, short course of diazepam to deal with the panic when it is too difficult.
I'm hoping I don't need it. Knowing it's there might be enough to keep me grounded.

I can't believe I'm 6 months in and now I'm feeling I've got nowhere else to go but to be medicated. I was so proud of myself. Now I'm staring at the packet and not sure what to do.

I've had another text this afternoon checking up on mediation.
I'm guessing there will be another before the end of tonight.

Sorry you feel bad about the meds. I see it differently. If LCB had buggered off to the other side of the world I think you'd be fine. As it is, he's trying to get in your face being a dick all the time and it's very wearing. It's relentless and I really would tackle the texting and advise it's for urgent matters only. Use email for everything non-urgent and he should stop expecting an urgent response to routine matters or you will report him for harassment. You are doing really well and anti-depressants are just a support for now until more things are sorted. You are very tough on yourself . Remember you are dealing with a thundercunt.

Delurking to say you've been basically in 'flight or fight' mode for the last six months - that sort of prolonged stress is enough to send anyone's biochemistry a bit haywire. It's a chemical response to the pressure you've been under and absolutely no reflection on you. Take the help that the doctors offered, there's no point struggling if you don't have to. If you had some other temporary chemical/hormonal issue you'd take the meds, if you sprained your ankle you'd use a stick - its no different just because it's your seratonin levels that are out of whack. Catch it now and get it knocked on the head (so to speak).

Six months ago you thought you had nowhere to go - since then you've made a home for you and the kids, and you've not rolled over in the face of some pretty appalling provocation. He's a bully who expected you to cave and he must be incredibly frustrated that you've not given in. Just keep doing things at your pace, he has no right to demand anything of you anymore. What he's doing is harassment; as kittybiscuits says, he shouldn't be texting you about anything that isn't life or death.

Ultimately he's a loser - he's lost control of you, he'll lose the kids respect when they're old enough to understand what he's done.

Exactly at maggie said. You can only cope with so much, and my goodness he's been throwing it at you in spades. You're still coping now - look at all you've achieved in those six months. But it's completely understandable and sensible to get a little extra help.

I'm tired.
I wish he had just buggered off but my guess is that's part of his game plan.
If I'd wanted him to have the DC more he'd not be so keen.

I believe his only aim is to finish the job he started - to destroy me.

I believe his only aim is to finish the job he started - to destroy me.

Don't let him.

Don't let that fuckwit get even close. He's turned up the nasty because you are freeing yourself from his vile clutches.

I'd bet a penny to a pound that all is not rosy in their little shag-palace. Mix is quite right, LCB & EBF (evil bitch face) will find out sharpish that your DC are not stupid...which is more than can be said for that pair of twunts.

I have to say I was thinking that too MrsD - if life was such a dream why would he waste so much of his time harassing onit?

'Course you're tired. You've been through a tremendous amount. Another one saying a short course of meds is at least worth trying. (Without mine, I wouldn't have managed to file for divorce, I don't think.)

Sod his aim. He is lashing out at you because that is what they are like.

DC and I are reading the railway children ATM. Not sure why Dd chose it. Only a few chapters in. I've never read it but seen the movie a hundred times.
It's brought up a few talking points with the DC given the start of the story. Ds especially has noticed some similarities in our situation.
Tonight there was a bit where the mother was struggling and Bobbie noted no one was too old to not want their mum when in trouble. Ds asked if I still wanted my mum and I said yes, but I had other people I could lean on when I'm struggling with grown up stuff. I realised how lucky I am and told Ds that.
It helps to count my blessings in this way because it also shows my dcs sphere of 'family' is much bigger than just me and LCB.

Onit, going on medication doesn't mean you're weak. Far from it. And Im sure you're not the only one to have needed it - I have and Im sure other women here have also needed it.

I believe his only aim is to finish the job he started - to destroy me

Granted you are getting on too well with life for his liking but I doubt he's setting out to destroy you - this is all about him. This is all about how he is going to look and I go back to what I said a few posts ago - these type of people can never admit they're wrong so they'll go all out to prove they are right. Its why he wants to introduce the children, he wants everyone to think everything in the garden is rosy - even when its probably not. The children are his respectability in quite a big way. I suspect your husband is used to being believed and seen as some kind of Mr Charisma and now he's having to deal with you, the new onit, and he can't, so he wants into mediation. He's pretty sure that when he goes in there he'll have the same effect on the mediator as he does in real life when he meets people - he charms them and they fall for him hook, line and sinker. You're counsellor is aware of this though, she seems top notch by the way, and her comment about only seeing an experienced mediator is spot on.

Im still of the opinion you should let this meet up with the OW go ahead because once its done he's played his card and there really is nothing left for him to terrorise you with.
xxxxx

Sorry for being a complete idiot, but what is he hoping to achieve from mediation?
I think I would send, short email, saying "I have been advised that mediation with a manipulative bully will not serve any helpful purpose therefore I am not participating.
I suggest you concentrate your efforts on your new life, as I am certainly doing. The continual stream of texts is amounting to harassment.
he will come back & say in that case I am introducing Dcs to EBF, to which you reply. "Jog on, you have shown that you will do whatever is your own interests from the start, Don't count on me to protect your halo when they are hurt & confused"

incidentally, please take your meds, you are the only one Dcs can turn to & you need to look after yourself too. remember not to tell LCB, he will manage to use it against you.

It's just another thing he can do to exercise control. My ex insisted on mediation, it cost me almost £1k. He did not stick to one single agreement made. He wanted to mediate again a year later. Control. That is all.

I'd also tell him to jog on with the mediation. It won't achieve anything, you need to be pulling away from him more. Tell him no mediation and no more texting you unless it is urgent regarding the kids.
He's going to introduce the kids to his alcoholic bit on the side regardless of what you do. Let him do it and point it that you won't protect them from the truth. I wholeheartedly agree that everything won't be rosy in their relationship and adding your kids in won't be the perfect picture he is envisaging.
Onit, you have been so strong and your kids sound like such switched on and sensitive souls. You three will be absolutely fine. He cannot break you or the bond you have.

I agree with what everyone is saying onit ^^
Mediation is a non starter, I can see what's in it for him...what's in it for you? Mediation is not going to make him magically more reasonable.
Yy also the texting etc. You are no longer together. He has a primary relationship with another woman. You are exs. He has no place to be texting or calling you and you are not accountable or answerable to him anymore.

You need to keep building your wall with him on the other side. Protect yourself and you will protect your dc.

My betting is that if you do the above that very soon you will be hearing how sorry & miserable he really is. He'll have no other tool of manipulation at his disposal by that point.

I'm ignoring him for the moment.
I have some low to medium level stress due to knowing he will contact me.
I've blocked his number so I won't receive texts. I may do this when he doesn't have the DC.
I'm still contactable by email but I've set them to manual so I need to actively retrieve them.

He told me on Sunday he's seeing his lawyer on Thursday to discuss his response to the last letter. And he will be putting my agreement to see a mediator in that response. Because of that I feel I should tell him I don't want to see a mediator.

How does this sound as a reply. I would send by email.

After our text conversation on Sunday, and other earlier instances, I have sought advice.
I have been advised that mediation will serve no useful purpose.

Further, I would also like to request that any non urgent matters are communicated by email in future, and that text messages are reserved for those times when an immediate response is required for example, if running late for pick up.

Good response, although I would substitute "Further, I would also like to request" with 'From today, all non urgent communication should be'. You don't need to make a request, just tell him how it will be.

Him having to tell you that he is seeing his lawyer is such a twatish thing to do. Intended to keep you on tenterhooks knowing that correspondence is coming your way.

Carry on ignoring him.

There is no shame in using medication onit. I am going back to the dr this week because I can feel my anxiety returning in a big way and I know that I won't manage it without some help.you have had so much go deal with and done so well.its just sense to take any help that's there.

I think that was a good response re the mediation and the methods of communication.

Yes. Short minimalist emails Onit:

Re mediation, I have sought advice. & have been informed that mediation will serve no useful purpose in our situation.. therefore will not be participating & cannot afford it anyway.

Further, Any non urgent matters must be communicated by email in future, and that text messages are reserved for emergencies only.

edit out last "that"

Onit, I would respond with what Mix56 said i.e. "I have been advised that mediation with a manipulative bully will not serve any helpful purpose therefore I am not participating.
I suggest you concentrate your efforts on your new life, as I am certainly doing. The continual stream of texts is amounting to harassment."

There is no point being polite and navigating around with polite words. Put it out there that his behaviour is abusive and his constant texts are harassing.

Also ask that he only contacts you through emails (if it's urgent) or through your lawyer.

Tell him you have no objections to him introducing EBF (love that acronym!) but he has to do it at a time when he has the kids overnight and therefore deal with the repercussions.

Im going to suggest that the less is said in the text the better. Keep it straight to the point and dont give him any reason to say you are crazy etc, or to come back at you with - what the hell did you mean buy that? Also, don't forget that he could show the text to others including his lawyer in order to justify himself and you need to leave them with nothing negative to say about you. Really, the worst thing for him to be told about your text when he shows them to other is for them to having nothing to say because there is nothing to say about it.

And I would want the kids home the day they are introduced to the OW because its only you who will be able to help them through any upset there 'might' be. They really don't need their father putting his unique spin on things as easy as it may be to say to him - well hell mend you, you caused this, so you fix it.