Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Onit's still on it! Thread 3

985 replies

onitlikeacarbonnet · 23/11/2016 13:49

Hello to anyone who's still here Smile

Links to previous threads.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2658829-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2690159-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me-follow-up-thread-Onits-on-it

I'm carrying on with this as I'm certain I'd be in a much unhappier state without the support I've received here.
This has become my journal of sorts and I hope it's something I can look back on in time to see how far I've come.
I also hope it helps to document the truth of my situation for the future and perhaps, if read by others, will offer help and hope to them too.

OP posts:
nigelforgotthepassword · 29/04/2017 06:41

Oh lord onit-I can't give may advice as I don't know how to deal with this myself...I guess just trust that this excitement will be short lived-she won't be new and exciting to them forever.And you will always be their mum and thus the most important person to them in the world to them.
Thinking if you and sending lots of love today X

Goingtobeawesome · 29/04/2017 06:54

You have to do all you can to let your DD know you're okay with being alone. She's pulled in two directions and it's hard for her.

You're never going back into that hole. Remember how far you've come.

Fuzzywuzzywasawoman42 · 29/04/2017 07:54

You can do it onit- this too will pass.
Be strong Flowers

underitoveritthroughit · 29/04/2017 07:58

I tell them I miss them when they're at their daddy's but that I have lots to do and don't feel lonely.

When Dd said she didn't want to go to LCB I was so upbeat about her meeting ow. I don't want them feeling sorry for me.
Trust me when they go to him they give me a hug and kiss then barely a backward glance.
I'm doing the right thing for them (most of the time I think) but it kills.

I'm dreading the chat when they get home. Ds will only talk about the 36 packets of Pokemon cards daddy bought him (and gave him all at once) so I can handle that.
Dd will be more difficult.
Ow is a girlie girl. I am not. Dd isn't either but has her moments and the thought of ow doing her hair or picking clothes for her absolutely fucking kills me.
I haven't time to do much of the fun stuff day to day. That's all LCB and ow have. Time for fun stuff.

underitoveritthroughit · 29/04/2017 08:00

I'm supposed to be working today.
I don't think I can do it.

Is it really bad to phone in sick when I just want to cry all day?
I feel nothing but raw and rage.

HarlotOTara · 29/04/2017 08:27

Hi,
I have followed your posts since you first started posting about this but have never had anything to say that others haven't said. You express your feelings really well which is a real positive as you are in touch with them. I feel your pain when I read your posts, and cheer as you have survived it.

With regard to work, I think you should do whatever gets you through. Sometimes being busy and being with others helps, sometimes we need to go with the flow. Maybe not much help but listen to your feelings.

There are many people chearing you on

Fuzzywuzzywasawoman42 · 29/04/2017 08:31

I'm not sure what would be best today, only you really know.
I know for me work has at times really helped to push me on. On the other hand I also regret that I haven't always given myself the time I need. In the past, on reflection there were times that I shouldn't have been at work.

I know it's hard onit, it's like everyone is forgetting. They are legitimizing their relationship. By having the ow in the dc life she is in your life and there's not a damn thing you can do about it.

You will always be no 1 to your dc there is no competition. After the initial excitement of a new person and the extra attention of daddy who will want the relationship to be positive - the cracks will show. Lcb and the ow will focus their attention back to each other and the dc will need you then.

underitoveritthroughit · 29/04/2017 09:00

I've called in sick.
I'm trying to arrange to go to my friends at least for a bit, then I'll go to my cousins.

Work has got me through the rest of this week but I can't be customer facing while I keep crying. And I don't want to be so vulnerable in public.
I'm holding it together now as ds is popping back this morning for his homework and I don't want them (or LCB) to know how much I'm hurting.

Mix56 · 29/04/2017 12:59

Oh Onit, it must be miserable, but hopefully they will get on, if only for the DCs to not dread their w/es there. You have been so fair in guiding & supporting your DC, you are one great Mum
Once OW, has met them, she will probably just focus on herself (as always)

She may try to buy their favours, but she won't buy their hearts.

anon1968 · 29/04/2017 15:56

I've followed your thread but never commented, i just want to say how amazing i think you are, you have come such a long way since your first post, your love for your children shines through, it must hurt like hell, the thought of them meeting ow, you're doing the right thing though in being positive in front of them. It doesnt matter that the ow is girly, you're her mum and she loves you. My friend went through the exact same thing years ago, her children are grown up now, and don't have much to do with their dad, she always encouraged a relationship between them regardless of how he treat her, now they are old enough, they say they don't want to go and stay, as he always still went out leaving them at granmas, they can't understand why, when he only had them eow, they now know how much mum sacrificed for them. It will all work out. Love hearing how you are enjoying yourself with your new man. You are an inspiration.

fraggle84 · 30/04/2017 08:29

How are you this morning?

Splishing · 30/04/2017 13:03

Not posted in a while but justed wanted to say that I hope you are ok Onit. I too am dreading DC meeting OW. Can't imagine the rollercoaster of emotions you must be feeling just now. But know you will get through it.

underitoveritthroughit · 30/04/2017 14:07

I've taken yesterday and today off.

Trying not to feel guilty about it.

New guy is away but doing his best to distract me from a distance.

Spent yesterday with my dcousin. Watched lots of shit telly and ate loads of junk food. I Skyped them before bedtime but no one was particularly chatty. I asked if they'd had a nice day but didn't get much more than an acknowledgement. They were about to have a disco (at what would be their bedtime at home Hmm)
LCB did however text me later on to inform me that
"The meeting with ow went well and the kids enjoyed themselves. It was all very positive so no issues to report from the meet or from anything said since then" because obviously he needed to tell me my fears were unfounded. They were fine therefore they'll always be fine unless of course I poison them when they come home.
Fucking cunt just wants to rub salt in my wounds.

Dc aren't back till tomorrow night as they've got the May day off school. I'm alone today but less teary. Just couldn't face work after so little sleep.
Counselling tomorrow and will try to be brave for dd gushing about meeting ow and how excited she was Sad

nigelsbigface · 30/04/2017 18:11

Very much the sort of response I get when I tell h the kids might be upset by who he's decided to start seeing.Its all down to my reaction about it-and in no way due to the fact that she was known to them in a very different capacity before, is their friends mum, it's weird socially, they know it's not the done thing to shag your mums best friend...
Yours like mine is very keen always to not take any responsibility for his own actions.
I guess as long as they are ok that's all you can hope for.
Think it's good that you took the days off and that you had company. Best course of action.

Sithee · 01/05/2017 23:06

I've been lurking and following your thread. Just wanted to come out of hiding and see how you are feeling now the weekend is done and dusted. You've been in my thoughts and I wanted to let you know that I think you sound amazing 💐

underitoveritthroughit · 02/05/2017 12:57

I'm in a bit of a pit at the moment.

The dc haven't said much but I've only really seen them for an hour before bed last night and the hour before school this morning.

I got as much as knowing they liked her but I'd no reason to believe they wouldn't.
I said to both of them separately I was pleased they liked her. But didn't comment further.

Counselling yesterday was hard. My fears of my dc wanting to be with them and not me. That I'm constantly bad cop. That pretty soon they'll have the huge house and fancy holidays. That the dc will see the chance of having a proper family again and want to have that.

I'm off work today again because I can't do it.
I've been fighting the urge to take the diazepam that's upstairs before I go to bed. And now the dc are home I know I won't but the temptation is still there.

Not a good few days all round tbh.
Lawyer tomorrow to discuss next steps but I'm not sure my heads in the game.

Fuzzywuzzywasawoman42 · 02/05/2017 14:01

Onit - please don't allow lcb and ow to have this negative power over you.
Why on earth do you think the dc will want to be with them when their life is already so much better without him?
Do you really think that lcb treated you any different to how he will treat ow? Surely you've read enough threads on here to know that he won't change. They won't ride into the sunset and have a Disney life Confused They're both cunts. You know- I know it.

Give yourself time and space to get used to this development, it's going to impact you but don't allow it to be any more than a temporary impact. You need to put your big girl pants on and 🖕

them while getting on with your life.

You've got today and tonight then I think you should drag your carcus into a projected positive state... even if you don't feel it.
Fake it til you make it Grin

Mix56 · 02/05/2017 14:23

Also, remember that both LCB & OW will have been making mammoth efforts to make them feel at home, super attentive, special food, presents, etc.
OW is unlikely to want to permanently give up OW w/e to play "families"
Leopards, Spots, & all that

nigelsbigface · 02/05/2017 14:25

I'm sorry onit.Its a shit situation. I'm hoping it will get easier as time goes on, as with all the other pain you have been through.
You have been so brave and done so well. All I can say is that the only way that he doesn't win here is if you prove him wrong.If you don't collapse.If you are happy without him.

She will never be their mum. You will always be the most important to them, even if they don't always show it or even realise it themselves.

Lots of love to you my friend-thinking of you.

underitoveritthroughit · 02/05/2017 16:02

Thanks everyone Flowers

I'm sure my funk will pass and I've done a good line in fake it till you make it fuzzy so I just need to screw that head back on.

nigelsbigface · 02/05/2017 19:38

Fuzzy can be my life coach if she wants Grin

underitoveritthroughit · 02/05/2017 20:05

It's a good thing that I'll have to drag myself up tomorrow. Shower, face on, well dressed, business head.
Lawyer in the morning, gym in the afternoon. Did some boxing for the first time at my last session. I think that might be a good release of frustration.
Got a day with the dc on Thursday because the school's a polling place. They go to their dad on Thursday afternoon for tea and I'll use that time to clean the house and make myself presentable as new guys coming to see me on Friday morning.
I think that's complicating matters too tbh. It's become a thing when I don't think either of us were looking for it. I know I wasn't. The distance that made it comforting is really bothering me now. And I'm using headspace to process how I'm feeling about him and trying to decipher how he's feeling about me.
The pussyfooting around with all the "I love being with you" and 😍 emojis.
If I didn't think there was potential there, I'd just step away, but I have feelings for him and suspect he feels similarly. And I'm too weak to walk away from him because he makes me happy. He gives me pleasure I didn't think I'd ever feel. I am me with him. Not the old me. Just me. Not mummy. Not LCBs ex. Me.

underitoveritthroughit · 02/05/2017 20:15

I agree nigel!

Dowser · 02/05/2017 22:06

Just thinking its nearly a year since you're break up. Just look how well you've done.
Stand tall and be very proud of yourself.

You can do this.
They might like this other woman very much but they only have one mother...you :-)

underitoveritthroughit · 02/05/2017 22:29

Simultaneously feels like yesterday and a million years ago Dowser