Onit's still on it! Thread 3

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Hello to anyone who's still here

Links to previous threads.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2658829-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2690159-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me-follow-up-thread-Onits-on-it

I'm carrying on with this as I'm certain I'd be in a much unhappier state without the support I've received here.
This has become my journal of sorts and I hope it's something I can look back on in time to see how far I've come.
I also hope it helps to document the truth of my situation for the future and perhaps, if read by others, will offer help and hope to them too.

He wants to discuss custody/contact.
I told the mediator I wasn't there to discuss that as I had a lawyer dealing with that after he started the discussion through his lawyer.

I'm afraid she isn't a nice person either. From what her ex has said she has some major issues with children having had a pretty shitty upbringing.
I also question their capability to make decisions in the interests of anyone but themselves when the evidence proves they are entirely selfish.
I told her about them consciously deciding she should come to my house whilst we were still together and I was oblivious. That I fed her and paraded my dc in front of her and my friends.
I see those friends still and am still working on not feeling humiliated knowing that they all now know they were probably sleeping together at that point.
I didn't mention the messages.
I discussed this with my counsellor last week and she said it was like I was saving up all the ammunition I could get in preparation for someone handing me an uzi. So I could stand there spraying bullets.
I think she has a point.
I can never do what I actually want to do, which is tell him and her, and everyone they know and have ever met, and everyone I know and ever met all the nasty, horrible, degrading, controlling, manipulative, bullying, intimidating, abusive things he ever did.

But I can't. Because he's my dcs dad. And that headfuck is one I don't think I'll ever get over. Counselling or no.

Did you manage to talk about the DCs activities, nutrition, parental decisions etc that you had on your list?

I relate to that feeling so much- you want to rip him and her apart and point out to them what arseholes they are and yet you can't because you care too much for the DCs and then the frustrating irony of that is that they are the ones that didn't care about the consequences and what happened to the DC in the first instance. It's so hard, but you know it's the right thing.

I know exactly how you feel too onit.I know that doesn't help much, but at least you aren't alone with feeling like that.

I didn't get a chance to mention anything on my list oddly enough.
It's why I've agreed to go back.
I want to see if he actually wants to negotiate or just dictate.

He gets his whore integrated into my dcs lives, I better at least get some joy wrt him sucking up losing time if they have something on; or feeding them actual, real food when they're at his for tea on school nights; or actually discussing parenting decisions with me rather than asking the dc what they want.

Part of me thinks his lack of parental decision making is so he can blame either me or the dc for anything that has negative consequences in the future.
Obviously to make up for the monumental consequences of his last decision to stick his useless dick in the slut I used to call my friend.

I think you should have a list of typed bullet points that you hand to the mediator next time and tell him/her that since you didn't get the chance to discuss these last time, you would like your issues to be centre stage for this time.

Onit, I've been following you from the first thread and was a prolific poster...but I've since name changed several times to cover bad behaviour

I've been really happy to read of your recent exploration of yourself as an individual. It is really difficult to see how far you've come when you are in the middle of such a life altering episode in your life.
I, as a viewer of your life am absolutely astonished at your pace.
I am no wallflower and apart from occasional periods of self blaming and to much introspective thoughts, I generally am one of life's doers, but I don't think I've witnessed anyone deal with things as fantastically as you have.

The ow is a bitch. Your ex is an arsehole.
You are about to embark in a new order, wether you like it or not. Acceptance will come, then soon enough you just won't give a shit.

Your dc have come through so much and they're doing ok?
They will get used to things with ow, it will become the new normal.
I suspect that both the dickheads will become a great source of amusement to you in time.

The world is your oyster

Excellent advice Agatha as I have a tendency to witter on especially when trying to explain what a cunt LCB is

Thank you too, Fuzzy. I appreciate the support. Except now I'm wondering who you were/are.

I hate the thought that that bitch can break up my family and then basically elbow her way into it.

But then again I should thank her for taking LCB off my hands.

*whether

I'm the scarlet pimpernel !!

I'm quite emotional today. It's my 10th wedding anniversary.
In the interests of new memory making I'm having a party tonight. I've lots of friends coming over.

My new guy has just left after an amazing morning together (I know! I'm such a slut )

I've made an appointment to chat with my ifa about a mortgage and need to arrange a lawyers appointment for next week to discuss what's next. Including if I can't get a mortgage.
And I want to find out what I need to do about divorcing the asshat.

Great idea to have a party! Here's to the next ten years (and more!) LCB free !!

Wow - a party! What a good idea. Bet the LCB thinks you've been moping all day. If only he knew .

Have a fab night, you deserve it.

The party was really good!

I've also spoken to IFA today and, assuming my income doesn't change drastically when my new tax credit award comes through (now I'm earning a wage I'm guessing it'll go down a significant amount), I can get a mortgage.

Though I'm planning on asking my lawyer if it's necessary to pay him in full.
If I can offer him £5 a week it has the added bonus of him not having a lump sum to put a deposit on his own place.

He skyped the dc this morning and, though I was in the next room, I heard Dd ask where he was. He replied "I'm in my 'city' flat" then Dd asked if she could see ow but apparently she was working.

Now I have something else to contend with. It pains me that the LCB gets into my home when he phones or Skypes.
I'm not sure I can handle hearing or seeing her. But I'm not sure how reasonable it is to suggest she doesn't speak on the phone to my dc.
I just find the thought crippling

And today I find out this little bombshell. Or AIBU? Is this actually ok? I've lost all sense of perspective.

Dc and I are watching Trolls and I said I wanted the sparkly one. Dd says "that's SkyDiamonds. He farts glitter. So does OW's name. I asked her what she farts and she said she farts glitter too"
So I asked if she speaks to her a lot. No, but they text a lot. Dd is 5.5 so she's not doing the actual texting.
I asked since when but she can't remember but after Christmas.

Wtf?!? 😢😢😢

I want to crawl in a hole.
Where's the fucking respect?!?

He should've told me, right?

She has been apart of their lives since via text etc but had not a risky met them? What's the difference?!

He has pulled a fast one! Why would he think the kids wouldn't tell you? Could he have told them not to tell? Nothing would surprise me at this point!

There isn't any respect.Because he's vile...
It's the worst feeling in the world having to deal with the ow in your kids lives...I totally understand it when you say the thought of it is crippling.
Mine managed to reintroduce talking about the woman in my situation whilst he was away with the girls for a week at the beginning of Easter. This was two months after dd2 had to have two days off school because she was very upset the last time he talked about her, and eventually wrote her dad a letter to say she wasn't ready to talk about her yet. So basically he waited until he had them on their own and they wouldn't be seeing me for 6 days, and then bought it up.He tells me they were 'fine and very happy to talk about it' They came home to me and told me about the conversation and said they said it was fine because he was being 'cringey' and they don't want to upset him. They might well be fine with it...Im sure they want their dad to be happy.But for them, looking at their behaviour and the things they have said to me-I dont think they find its easy to process and that they are that comfortable still-or not to the degree he is making out that its all sunshine and roses anyway.They will adjust to it, but wether it's ideal for them and not very difficult is debatable.
He told me about this conversation on Friday in what he referred to as the 'spirit of honesty'. (Which has taken him three weeks to find, it seems).
They are all the same onit-they will do what they want in the underhanded ways they want and then tell you they have acted admirably and haven't set a foot wrong...
There is nothing you can do about it except I guess learn to expect low behaviour and try to rise above it.

It's just wrong. But I know he only consideres himself so I'm over the initial shock and find myself just numb,
I emailed an update to my counsellor, who had a week off last week, because I don't want to waste time at my session tomorrow just telling her all the things from the last fortnight and not getting a chance to work through them.
Writing it down (a few times. On here, to friends etc) has helped a little.
But I want to wallow today. Dc are downstairs in front of the tv and I'm still in my bed

I spoke to new guy last night. Mostly we text because of the dc but he phones late at night occasionally to chat.
Last night we talked about our feelings for each other a bit more. About how comfortable we are with each other, how easy it seems. No awkwardness. He thinks I'm gorgeous (he says it all the time, a lot ) I feel desired, safe and cared for with him. These are all odd feelings right now but unfortunately, as he's so far away, the security I feel when I'm with him doesn't linger long after he's gone.

And I think I know why? It dawned on me, during this conversation that when he texts me, I read his message as if I need to pick out the bullshit. I actually work from the presumption he's lying. I do this without thinking about it.

I hadn't realised that
Face to face, I believe him because I trust my gut (not entirely, but I get no bad vibes at all) but I think I've spent so long being lied to it's what I've assumed he'll do. It's what I assume everyone is doing actually now I think about it.

So I need to work out why I think people are lying to me. Or playing games. Trying to trick me.
What would be his motivation? To get in my knickers? Well he's done that so, why else? To make me care about him? Well I do. Why else? To maliciously try and hurt me? Why? Why would he want to hurt a stranger?
I mean, there obviously are people who do that but why is that my default thought? I realise I'm like this with everyone.
This is a brand new realisation. It's so sad.

Just because LCB set out to ruin my life, does not mean that any man I have a relationship with would do that. Or any woman for that matter. People are mostly kind. Aren't they?

I (still) like to think that people are mostly kind yes.Sometimes I have to work hard to remind myself of that-and I,like you, now assume the worst, and look for the trip hazards in my interactions with everyone else.But it's a defence mechanism, born from having been very hurt-and I'm hoping that as as time passes and I (and you) continue to recover, it will dial itself down a bit.

Without hope what do you have really?

I'm glad your new man seems so understanding.and that he seems kind.And that you fancy him. It's what you needed and deserve after so long living a sort of half life with LCB, who was the sort of human being that would prefer to drag you down rather than lift you up.

I can totally relate to how you're feeling about the lying onit. When you discover that everything you believed about your life isn't true and someone in it whom you trusted has been lying and manipulating you, it has a profound effect.
When your little bubble of security is burst it thrusts you into a previously unknown world of secrecy and lies.
Who else does this?
Is everyone been going through life knowing that people live like this and I'm the last to be aware?
Am I the only person who is living what they thought was a truly transparent honest life?
It's like being in your own version of The Truman Show!!
It doesn't last forever though onit. You do start to understand that some people do live shit, sneaky lives but that many of us are honest and true.
You will in time be perched comfortably on the line of trusting but aware.
You're nice and dried off behind those ears now- just make sure you keep it that way though

I think its good that you are on the alert. So many people fall into another rubbish relationship on the rebound, we see it here often;
Women saying they can't believe they fell for another bastard again.
But once your self esteem is reestablished, & you are not the target for bullying bastards... things will seem less tainted.
It is all so new Onit, be gentle on yourself... & just a little sad that LCB has given you this. It will slowly be less evident.

He let dd (and ds for that matter) watch Dr Who on his last weekend
Guess who's confident, fearless, independent daughter won't be left alone and cries on and off because she's terrified of "the puddle"?!?

Jesus. Brainiac. Mine once memorably let the DD's watch jaws-which didn't make for happy seaside experiences for a fair few years!

underit I often wonder how you're doing. I'm pleased you are sounding stronger and have met a new guy to have fun with. Trust him until proven otherwise and hopefully you'll never be. I'm having specific therapy and it's scary how easy it's helping. Take all the help you are offered.

I sent him a text telling him to exercise better judgment on what was age appropriate.
I also told him I didn't want a debate or a reply.
I just wanted him to know she was terrified and now scared to be alone.

Fucking twat

Major wobble tonight.

Dc went to LCB this afternoon.
They're meeting ow tomorrow.
Dd especially is very excited. Though I think she knows somehow that I'm not ok.
Last night and today she kept saying she didn't want to go to daddy's and leave me all alone.
I had to remind her she was excited about meeting ow and that I would be working anyway.

I've been teary on and off the last couple of days.
Not sure I'm fit for work tomorrow.
When does this get easier?
I'm sick of getting kicked back in my hole every time I think I'm crawling out