Onit's still on it! Thread 3

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Hello to anyone who's still here

Links to previous threads.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2658829-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2690159-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me-follow-up-thread-Onits-on-it

I'm carrying on with this as I'm certain I'd be in a much unhappier state without the support I've received here.
This has become my journal of sorts and I hope it's something I can look back on in time to see how far I've come.
I also hope it helps to document the truth of my situation for the future and perhaps, if read by others, will offer help and hope to them too.

Also glad you and a good weekend onit

Thanks nigel

Things have moved on a little over the weekend in that, despite my intentions to play the field a little, new guy and I have hit it off in a way I wasn't expecting.
Pretty sure he wasn't either but the conversation was had and I have a boyfriend

I'm having a lot of fun (though not as much as I'd like due to distance) but can't envisage any kind of future beyond the next meeting.
I appear to have discovered some kinks which I hadn't explored before and, thankfully, they appeal to him too. I think that compatibility/connection is difficult to fight so I'm not going to.

I'm concerned I haven't "played the field" but I'd feel disingenuous if I did as I like him enough to want to know more and I can't argue that the sex is awesome.
I've discovered I have some kinks that also make him a very lucky find for me. And I for him too I expect.
It's not perfect and I'm still expecting it to fizzle out due to the distance and incompatible schedules but...
I've gone from not caring about having sex again to this

How things can change

Still dreading mediation next week though.
Need to prepare for that headfuck

But you don't 'have' to do anything-that's the point.You don't have to oaky the field of you are happy with this geezer-more power to you if you have avoided all that schizzle gone honest!

So pleased for ya kid X

All sounds great onit.

Agree to keeping a bit back.youre not forced to divulge everything.
I was on pof for 2.5 months. Only met two men and married the second one lol!

Not straight away. 7 years later :-)

I'm having a panic about mediation tomorrow.
I'm so worried they're going to agree with LCB and tell me I'm being unreasonable.

I'm walking into work now and feel like I'm going to fall to bits.

I'm so unprepared.
He'll go in with a fucking PowerPoint presentation and I'll be sitting there not wanting to speak in case I say the wrong thing.

Why did I agree to this again?

On another thread, the two parties for the mediation sat in different rooms because the wife didn't want to see her lying and manipulative ex. The mediation broke down but at least she didn't have to see him or listen to his rubbish, and it gave a clear indication to the mediator that he was abusive. Would that work better for you than having to see him?

As Agatha said, ask for different rooms.
It if not the mediator usually speaks to you both briefly before hand separately.mine did and was very understanding when I told her my fears over the disparity between my h and mines experience of negotiating and his strength in being persuasive.She seemed to take that in mind and kind of 'refereed' between us fairly-making sure he didn't over dominate the discussion etc.
Best of luck onit-I'm
Hoping you will be surprised as with any luck he won't get it all his way.

I've already organised it that way.

My initial telephone appointment was basically me telling them he'd blackmailed me into agreeing to speak to him.
They suggested this shuttle scenario.
I just wish I didn't feel so unnerved by him.
They've explained I might have to sit in the waiting room with him.

Ah ok that's good. If you do have to sit in the waiting room with him
Just say hello politely and then avoid any sort of eye co tact as you would at the dr's surgery is my advice.
Try not to let him get under your skin.we all know what a total cockthistle he is!

I have a list of stuff to bring up which, now I've written it down is making me less jumpy.

I really don't want to have to take a diazepam just to get through the appointment

I want to discuss his inability to parent without discussing with the dc.
So when he tells me he's "entirely led by the kids" what he means is they get what they wasn't. Regardless of whether what they want is appropriate or in their interests.

That he manipulates the dc into feeling sorry for him.
The whole "ds do you love me?" thing

That he did not discuss with me his plan for introducing ow. That when I told him there were risks to early introductions he could produce no counter evidence and proceeded to blackmail me into this mediation.

That he refuses to let the dc go to parties or sleepovers in "his time" unless I "repay him" it.

His inability to recognise illness and his dismissiveness towards his sons allergy to the point of filling in forms for school incorrectly.

That he picks holes in every piece of correspondence (the 10 page analysis of the contact schedule) and wilfully misunderstands me. Yet thinks mediation will help us communicate.

These are the big things.
I won't even start in the bedtime discos, the freezer meals and junk food snacks they eat or the constant sleepovers at their gps so he can socialise. The fact he's chucking hundreds of pounds a month away on a flat the dc sleep in twice a month and eat dinner at twice a week while paying the bare minimum maintenance and never offering to pay for uniforms, shoes, coats, sports equipment etc.
Or the fact he's prepared to leave his daughter alone in bed so he could fuck his mistress while his ds and wife were in hospital.

I fucking hate this bastarding cunt and I can't help but wish he would just get hit by a bus or something

You sound pretty well prepared. Have you thought about the stuff he's likely to bring up, and thought through your responses to that also?

Having a written list of all the things you want to bring up, and potential responses to his wittering will give you emotional strength and poise in your discussion. Unemotional all the way, he'll be expecting you to break down. Are you taking anyone with you, or meeting anyone after?

I'm meeting a friend after Agatha

I've no idea what he'll bring up other than his burning desire to introduce ow to the dc.
I have no major issue with that now as I feel she's been established in their lives now.
I obviously don't want the bitch anywhere near my dc but I'm aware I've had lots more time to adjust to this than most. Also, I believe in postponing her introduction further in only saving his relationship with the dc. Oh yes, he'll bring up my unreasonable refusal to give in to his demands for 50/50 custody. Which I will not discuss.
He does very well and I'm more than generous about the time he gets.
If he wants more he can take me to court.

Your points are all good, Onit. The one thing I would suggest is that you try to list them as positive outcomes you want from him. For example, that the DC are taken to social events and sleepovers by whichever parent has them at that time. No need to then mention a claw back of time. Get the fairest action agreed to and move forwards. You will still be getting what you want, by will come across as so reasonable and willing to work together with him for the good of the DC. Personally, I think you will get much more that way.

Onit a long distance relationship can work. I met my boyfriend online, no intention of looking for a relationship, was not going to even meet him as he lives 200 miles away, however, 8 plus months down the line I'm deeply in love with him and its reciprocated. He is meeting my kids next month and me his. We have both been honest about the distance and have found a way to make it work 😊

What time is it tomorrow onit? Best of luck-be thinking of you...

Good luck for today, please tell us how it goes.

10.30 today.

I spoke to new guy (need a better ne for him I think) last night and I told him I had to do this thing today. Bear in mind he knows next to nothing about LCB, and he was so lovely.
Said if I got upset I was to imagine that he was holding my hand. That he wants to be there for me.
He also said to only speak if necessary and to let LCB talk. Because that way he'll hang himself.

He told me his break up was acrimonious. That he'd tell me more later. And that he'd seen a counsellor because of it.

Now I'm freaking out about him too.

This was supposed to be about me getting my leg over. Not about having the feels. Or how to have an actual relationship.
Anyway, back burner for that mindfuck today.
I'm seeing him on Friday. I'll worry about him tomorrow.

Just need to get through today.

So glad I have so many people at my back.
This room I'm going to be sitting in is going to be so croeded with everyone who I know will be virtually holding me hand.

Thank you

Hope it goes well today.

I think new guy was just trying to offer comfort. Doesn't mean you both have to spill your guts over what happened in your respective divorces, but if that's what you both want to do, to get it out of the way, then perhaps it's not such a bad thing?

No Agatha I'm not ready to spill and I'm fairly certain by his tone last night that he's not either.

It's ok.

It's still early days. I'm very guarded. I only told him about the mediation because it was a potential day for meeting, otherwise I'd've gone and not said anything.

I have my notes. Time on the train to go over them. I'm liking stormsurfers take on focussing on the outcomes. So I'll reword things where it appears I'm being overly critical (not without reason but it's irrelevant isn't it?)

Right. Need to eat and drink. I'll be back to update later.

You've got this! Yes, I just mean if you state what you want for the future rather than picking apart the flaws now, it will be more successful and also less emotionally draining.

Best of luck best of luck X

DElurking to say best of luck and how I admire how far you have come x

Hope it went well

On the train home.

It went well in that I didn't see him either before or after. But I'm struggling to see what me or my dc will get out of this. He is the only person who can gain from this.
I have agreed to go back but if it's just me having to concede things, I won't be going a third time. I'm not sure what the dc will gain. And, since that's what the mediation is for, if he can't explain the improvement in their life then I fail to see how it's in their interests. Or mine.

I conceded that I had had enough time to get my head round the dc meeting the ow. That I still didn't believe they'd had enough time to process the separation (Dd said when they came home on Monday she still wanted us to be a family) but that, if he was prepared to risk their future mental health, that was his decision. And his consequences to deal with.
I suggested a Saturday morning meet so they are with him for a while afterward so he can deal with any initial questions.

When the mediator came back in she said he'd decided on next Saturday.
What will my dc gain from meeting her? Can anyone tell me? It certainly won't improve my life.
I'm sure it'll make his life infinitely easier however

Well if she is nice they will gain a nice influence in their lives...but as they aren't lacking that already-they have you-then not much in it for them.

I suspect she isn't nice however.

I'm sorry onit-I know how bloody hard it is. I feel sick thinking about it in fact in terms of my situation, so you have my every sympathy in having to deal with it.Sending you a hug this afternoon.

Well down for getting through it.Did he have anything else he wanted to talk about?