Onit's still on it! Thread 3

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Hello to anyone who's still here

Links to previous threads.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2658829-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2690159-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me-follow-up-thread-Onits-on-it

I'm carrying on with this as I'm certain I'd be in a much unhappier state without the support I've received here.
This has become my journal of sorts and I hope it's something I can look back on in time to see how far I've come.
I also hope it helps to document the truth of my situation for the future and perhaps, if read by others, will offer help and hope to them too.

Also just popping in to see how y'are onit?
Big weekend plans?

Hi everyone
I'm a little behind in everything at the mo. Sorry.
Been working this weekend but have also been v busy during the week.
I joined the gym, saw new guy, and right now I'm trying to set up my new phone.

Things are going well with the new guy.
Sex is fabulous and, because he's so far away there's lots of texting (setting really )

The dc are with LCB till Monday then we have the week to have fun!

I'll catch up more later.
Really need to get on with laundry

Hope you're ok nigel

Yay to gym, sex, sexy texts and, um, laundry?

I'm so so pleased for you!!!!! It all sounds like your life is falling in to a lovely place!!!! You have done so brilliantly, brilliantly well!

I have my counselling tomorrow and I'm dreading it.
I have told her about the coercion incident but we didn't dwell on it.
But I think it might be time to face it.
Things with the new guy are moving swiftly in that department and I don't want what LCB did to get in the way of things. I'm experimenting and getting to know what I like. Including things I'd have refused if LCB had suggested it. I guess my mindset has changed. I spent the last how many years saying no.
And now I don't want to say no.
To anything.
New guy is like a kid in a sweet shop. But so am I.
He knows I had a hard time with my ex but he doesn't ask too much and I've made it clear I don't want to go into detail.
We're very much in the "can't keep our hands off each other" stage.
We're extremely compatible in the bedroom but it remains to be seen if it'll be more than that. Our "dates" haven't been dinner and a movie.
This doesn't bother me at the moment. I'm enjoying what it is without the stress of a relationship.

I'm really not sure what this post is about

Good luck with your counselling tomorrow to get you through. Remember that it is up to you if you want to face it and you can decide at any time to change your mind about what you talk about.

Hope it goes ok onit X

I didn't talk about it because she suggested it might be too soon and that it could traumatise me further.

We talked about my concerns about what's happening now.
I'm not concerned about the new guy. I think he's exactly what I need. But I have got concerns about how I've flung myself into this so quickly. And how amazing I feel with him.
Sex with LCB was at best a chore. I got nothing out of it. Though I bet he thinks he was awesome as I could come in minutes. As could he.
I faked it every time. So it's my fault he was shit because I neither communicated what I'd like or even passively let him know by just not responding.
But, shamefully, I did it just to get it done so he wouldn't try again for a while.
Now I feel I've gone to the other extreme. I don't think I've said no to anything yet .
To be fair, it's mostly chat as he's a long way from me and we both have dc and clashing contact schedules.
But I have done things with him I'd never have done with LCB. Ever. And I knew him for 20 years. I've known this guy less than 2 months. And only slept with him 3 times.
It scares me a little how compatible we are. It scares me more some of the stuff I'm contemplating.
I'm a little concerned that my judgement is so bad that he's another narcissist. And I'm letting myself be drawn in again.
But, although I fancy the pants of him and would spend the week shagging him if I could, I have held back a little of myself.
I'm concentrating very hard on not falling head over heels just because he talks dirty to me, and it turns out, I really like that
But apparently I'm still only 14 (in relationship experience terms) so it's perfectly normal to be experimenting.
My counsellor described him as my first boyfriend and she's not far wrong.

But I was an idiot about boys at 14 so I'm not sure that's comforting.

Onit, just enjoy yourself. You are worrying too much about things that haven't and may never happen. Honestly this fling has come at the right time. You feel better about how you look and you are starting to get to know yourself again and learning to love sex. Stop worrying about what anyone else thinks, this is your life shag the country if you fancy it.

You sound like a lovely person, don't judge yourself harshly, you are doing a great job against the odds. Start to congratulate yourself more, you are a survivor and your love for your DC shines through your posts. You will always be a great example to your DC. Get out there and enjoy yourself!

Onit-this is how it should be at the start of a new relationship where everything is positive.You are worried because you havent seen any red flags yet-maybe that's because there haven't been any to see...I feel pretty sure that you would be very alert to them if and when they come up.
You are entitled to enjoy this.You've said yourself that you feel comfortable with everything.so so far what's not to like?
It's all good so far onit-I'm bloody pleased for you!

I have a wee trip today to see new guy.
I'm so excited about having some time with no restrictions. My dc are with LCB until Tuesday morning (though I believe that ell be leaving them with his mum today and tomorrow for its his and ow's flatwarming tonight)
Had a wee fantasy about showing up at the door of the flat with new guy and crashing the party.
Obviously not going to do that but it's a nice thought.

I saw friends this week and talked about my worries regarding this new guy. Not about him really. About me.
He's obviously enjoying me in a sexy way as much as I'm enjoying him. But I'm not ready to let him in. Not that he's shown any signs of wanting to scale the rather large wall that I've constructed.
He asked how much weight I've lost for eg and I didn't tell him. I said I liked that he didn't know the old me. And that I was worried it'd make him see me differently.

My friends say I've only changed in subtle ways. I talk more , I am happy and positive. My anxiety has all but gone.
But what if this change is just a short lived blip, and I end up back where I was.
I told them that, before all this, I'd often sit within the group monitoring myself. Telling myself to stop talking, they'd resent me or think I'm a know it all. That they'd realise I wasn't a nice person and I'd lose them.

Just saying it made me sad for the old me.

But I still have that mindset.
It's not so intrusive but it's there esp with new guy.

Not much happening in the separation atm.
I guess mediation will throw some fuel on that fire. That's in less than a fortnight.

I haven't spoken to my lawyer recently as we're waiting for state pension valuations. And I also still haven't seen my if regarding a mortgage.
Talk about sticking your head in the sand!

Just checking in really. I know I've gone quiet but I guess I've just got busy living

I'm off to the gym shortly so I'll catch up with you soon.
Hope you're all enjoying the weekend/holidays/life

I guess I've just got busy living - that's perfect, and such a great thing to hear. Can you imagine feeling that way at the beginning of all this? You've got some good stuff going on in your life. The old shit stuff is being slowly sorted. You're happy with your personal changes. Enjoy this new guy, I think it's a positive experience for you.

Just checking in really. I know I've gone quiet but I guess I've just got busy living smile

Its great that you have Onit but when people have taken the time to reply to you and shared personal experiences in the hope that you'll see your fears are unfounded it would be nice if you had the good manners to acknowledge their replies.

I wish you well for the future. xxxx

No idea what the post by MrsPW is about. You have actually posted a fair bit recently. But if you hadn't , so what? It is a good thing that you're life is moving on. Have fun today!

Enjoy enjoy onit-you are a million miles from where you were at the start of your first thread and it's nothing but a great thing!

Wow MrsPW

Delurking to say that's uncalled for MrsPW.

So happy for you onit.

Sharing is done without expectation on MN.

I'm bloody glad you've been off living life and having a brilliant time. I lost a post earlier because my batt died but basically wobbles and worries are completely normal. You've gone through a massive change and some incredibly difficult times, and you've been having some pretty deep counselling while you've been doing it. You are not going to go back, you are brave and brilliant and being reborn! Getting a bit hippie dippie over here but anyway - it's exciting but bloody tough. So bloody well done! I've had a few bouts of therapy/counselling and I think it's so incredibly important.

And enjoy the voyage of discovery and pleasure with the new guy! He sounds exactly what you need, so try to just enjoy it! And if you do feel worried/stressed or want to keep your guard up that is all normal too.

Hope you've been out in this fabby sunshine!

I've posted a few times but mainly lurk to see how Onit's doing.

That you dont need to rely on this thread for daily support is proof that you're getting on with life and are happier.

She doesn't need to mind her manners and update or thank posters.

Mrs PW, that was an uncalled for comment of yours and bloody pompous too.

Also delurking to say good for you for living life.

and for enjoying sexytime with your friend

Totally uncalled for Mrs PW. 😡

Oops and hope you are having a wonderful weekend onit!

I've had a really great weekend, thanks everyone.

New guy and I had most of the weekend which was lovely. Being able to spend time not looking at my phone because I had to be back for the dc or work or an appointment was so relaxing.

I missed my dc but felt it was important to give myself space for me. I spoke to them today and can't wait to see them tomorrow.

Mrs PW, I'm really sorry that I've offended you . But I have looked back and can't see what I've done. I see a deleted post but didn't read it before it was deleted

Other posters are correct; I'm living life which is hectic at best and manic at worst.
I can't be here as often as before and I don't need to be. But I thought that'd be a good thing.

I'm still grateful for the help and support of everyone who's contributed, but especially those who've posted regularly.
And I still need this as a sounding board/agony aunt/cheer squad etc, etc.

I'm aware that I'm not the person I was even 3 months ago. I also have a job, a home that needs work, a new relationship to juggle and a social life to organise for me and both dc, along with many other spinning plates.

I do hope you haven't gone for good Mrs PW. I'll miss you if you have

It's great you had a good weekend. Exactly what you should be having now. You have no need to keep coming back to provide us with updates at all. That said, I hope you do as it's nice to see things improving for you, and these threads, when they run for a while, are lovely, friendly corners of MN to share in friendship.

I agree Agatha