Onit's still on it! Thread 3

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Hello to anyone who's still here

Links to previous threads.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2658829-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2690159-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me-follow-up-thread-Onits-on-it

I'm carrying on with this as I'm certain I'd be in a much unhappier state without the support I've received here.
This has become my journal of sorts and I hope it's something I can look back on in time to see how far I've come.
I also hope it helps to document the truth of my situation for the future and perhaps, if read by others, will offer help and hope to them too.

You mean he'll figure out I have a friend, MrsPW?

You mean he'll figure out I have a friend, MrsPW?

Yes. I think you're going to start confusing issues in order to see your friend and LCB will get suspicious. You'll find ways to justify things to yourself but he'll pick up on it.

Some may say well thats too bad but you counsellor has suggested you're infatuated with him and I think it will cause you to make tactical mistakes. Im still of the opinion you need to be cahin canny till all the t's are crossed and the i's are dotted because of the person he is.

Their new flat is in a very desirable area and, the invitation they've sent says as an aside, that it's a "bit of a step up" from (you know, where his wife and dc live)

What a horrible prick.

I honestly doubt he has any idea you're seeing anyone - it's all about him and horrible OW and stupid cunty invites and their new flat and new life together. It won't have entered his mind that you might be having mind blowing sex with anyone.

Still it's worth being careful. But I think if you are, and don't let copious-incredible-orgasm-brain lead to any obvious slip ups you will be fine.

Yes I'd say it was infatuation.
It's also a process I need to go through in order to grow into an emotionally mature woman.

I do have an adult head on though. I'm being careful. Despite the 14 yr old wanting to say "fuck it, why should I?"

LCB sees me for a few minutes 2 or 3 times a week. And from a distance. I'm sure he could give a shit about me and I'd be amazed if he's asking the dc anything. Not that they would have anything to tell him. The most hecwouldve noticed recently would be the way I'm dressed. But today he saw me in my gym gear from 20 yards and for 2 minutes max.
I'm pretty sure I've taken care of things wrt the school mum he asked to check my Facebook. She's been blocked. And I don't even say hello anymore.

I'm not sure if this is me justifying though.

Yes, he is a controlling prick, and he will not like you having a life apart from him. This will not change magically at the point of settlement/divorce.

You are the one who has to break away, and imo, and from experience postponing it won't help you. Appeasement rarely does.

What can he do? Rant, rave, slag you off to DC. He can, and possibly is/will do that so don't factor him in to your decisions. I have said before, but in Scotland no one is interested in who does/said what and much greater emphasis on DC being in (one) secure place most of time. Finances too straightforward.

You have been controlled by him for years. He will want this to continue. It doesn't matter what you do or don't. he'll react anyhow. So let him now, or later. I'd go with now (and he may not anyhow).

Next time your kids have a sleepover with friends, don't forget to ask HIM to give up a night with them to make up for your lost time with them. What an absolute twat

This will not change magically at the point of settlement/divorce.

No one has said it will.

Yes I'd say it was infatuation
It's also a process I need to go through in order to grow into an emotionally mature woman

I do have an adult head on though. I'm being careful. Despite the 14 yr old wanting to say "fuck it, why should I?"

Onit, we all have to go through various stages to come out the other side of this nightmare and I can honestly say its only now, 4 years later, that I think Ive finally got there and caught up with myself. You can see how vindictive LCB has been over a playdate so I think for now Id be telling myself that an extra weekend alone is for when you are home and dry with your divorce and he cannot make life harder for you leading up to the day than he already does. But this is all going full circle and its not different to what I said last week. Just please be careful and don't give him any opportunity to think - mhmm that was too easy, I wonder why?

You have had to learn how to not be controlled by him, and are spreading your wings now, and good for you for having some fun doing this.
Similarly though, his control of you is a habit of many years standing. He may or may not be aware fully that he does this, but I bet it's a hard habit to break for him. That's not in any way meant to sound sympathetic towards him. He's a knob, we all know that. Just that he will continue to try to control you because that's all he knew how to do within your past relationship.

This situation does not need to arise again.
If the DC get invites on his w/e, you tell them to ring him & tell him they want to go. Up to him to accept or not, its his responsibility. & anyway he will probably be out with OW.
If he refuses, they can then point out that if that's the case, they don't accept being dumped with GPs.

It's a good point mix.
I've been keeping invites to myself until I have the conversation with LCB about it.
I guess because I want to save the dcs feelings if/when he says no.
He hasn't said no to anything apart from this sleepover, which I've offered another night for so they don't miss out.

I guess I need to stop saving their feelings (and in the process enabling the asshat to be a cunt to me about it) and let him be the bad guy.
They're old enough now to make their own minds up and he needs to learn (as I have always known) that if they're offered the choice of a night at home or a sleepover, they'll pick their friends over either parent.

Is it insecurity over their feelings for him or the loss of control over them which upsets him, do you think?

This holiday will be the last time I offer an alternative. He can let them go or not. But he'll tell them no. And I won't be replacing his time with mine to accommodate it.

I suspect it is a control issue. But, in terms of your response it doesn't matter.

It is so hard (I really know this) but you cannot protect the DC from his behaviour, even if he lets them down. Best for them to face it, and deal with it. He may well love them, but you cannot make him the father you want for them. I expect you have been helping him to present as this throughout the relationship. They will work their way through, with you always there. I am sure they will love him, but sadly you cannot make them respect him any more than they decide he is entitled to be. (rubbish grammar, but you know what I mean!)

No one, (including yourself )has ever imagined it wouldn't be up to you to facilitate the kids lives/activities/planning

It has always been you who has taken this on. But the goal posts have been moved (by LCB).
Time for everyone incl. DCs to understand that LCB has severed the family in two. Any activities incl sport/bday parties/sleepovers that happen on "his" w/e are his responsability & if he says no, is late, forgets or basically offloads this on his parents, then it is HIS fault, & his relationship with DCs that will be damaged. You are not responsable for his actions. If they are disappointed , it's his fault. If they later refuse to go, it's his fault,
Do not let him or them bully you into taking the load when it suits them.
You are entitled to make plans for your w/es in advance,
Obviously you want to reassure DCS & for them to be happy. But you are not a carpet

msP and mix say it so well. It is a new way of doing things that you will have to learn. Try not to fall back into your old ways. It is really fundamental to your freedom from LCB and I say this as someone who is only starting on this road myself so I am basically giving myself a wee pep talk too!

Pep talk is very welcome.
I understand totally where you're coming from stormsurfer, as I do it myself. I can detach from my own situation to advise a friend. Then realise I need to follow my own advise.
What is that?!?

Anyway, today is a busy one. New guy is still pretty much incommunicado and I'm ridiculously bereft at not being in contact with him pretty much 24\7.
Looking forward to a reunion hopefully sometime this week.

Can someone explain the psychology of my choosing to speak to someone who lives 90 minutes away? because, now I know I like him, I wish he lived round the corner. And at the moment it's like he's a whole world away.
It's sad I know but I miss him

Oh god! Advise/advice. I do know the difference, honest

Happy Mother's Day

Today's events are just typical.

He "forgot" to give me their swimming bags back after last weekend so I needed to change our plans for this morning while I waited in for him to drop them off.
I'm fucking raging.

But life is good.
I'm sitting chav-like on my front step vaguely monitoring my dc who are across the road playing in the park.
Been there for an hour now.
They're making pals and are oblivious to any fuckwittery of their fathers.
Payback for last weekend when I left dds costume out of her bag and he'd been "annoyed" he had to buy a new one.
I offered to reimburse him.
He declined but I guess he's had his payback today.

Deliberate.....
Prick, well done for not letting it ruin you day !

Payback for last weekend when I left dds costume out of her bag and he'd been "annoyed" he had to buy a new

He's nothing but predictable.

Enjoy the very simple pleasure of sitting on the doorstep watching the kids at play. x

Happy Mother's Day onit and everyone!!!!

I missed my mum today.

But I'm actually glad she's not here to see what a cunt LCB is. It would have destroyed her to see it.
She thought I'd done so well for myself and thought the sun shone out of his arse.

My bil jokes that LCB was the heir and he was the spare
How wrong can you be?

My parents were devastated when my situation came out.They loved my h. My dad can't even speak of him now.I wish with all my hear they hadn't been exposed to any of it.

Love the image of you sitting on the step and the DC playing in the park. Simple things, yet full of pleasure.

I wish I could lose the bitterness.

He screwed me over.
He fucked up my future plans.
He's fucked over his own dc.
Put me (and therefore them) back where I deserve to be.
With my own kind.
He rescued me from it and then he dumped me back knowing how much it frightened me. Especially how much it frightened me to bring my dc up in it.

I couldn't be happier he's gone.
Honestly!
But I'm ashamed of the feelings I have about our small, dilapidated house and how I feel more cheated out of the lifestyle I had, than I do about losing a partner.
I wanted the house, the car, the great school for my dc.
I wanted to make that new house a home.
I wanted to study. He left and put a stop to that. Yes

But I'm happy he's no longer a day fixture in my dcs life.

They might not ever get that. I truly hope they never have to. Though I know where to send them if they do.

It scares me how little I feel for him.

But it scares me more that he can make me cower.
And I worry every day that one day my kids will do the same.