Onit's still on it! Thread 3

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Hello to anyone who's still here

Links to previous threads.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2658829-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2690159-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me-follow-up-thread-Onits-on-it

I'm carrying on with this as I'm certain I'd be in a much unhappier state without the support I've received here.
This has become my journal of sorts and I hope it's something I can look back on in time to see how far I've come.
I also hope it helps to document the truth of my situation for the future and perhaps, if read by others, will offer help and hope to them too.

nigel

I'm on my lunch break so can't go into specifics but, let's just say I have yet another reason why LCB leaving me was the best thing ever

I keep losing posts I think I'm just tired and distracted.

So anyway, to answer nigel's question, no he's not Sting, but I didn't realise that sex could be something that wasn't all over in 5 minutes. I went to his place this time too so I think I'm over the serial killer worries

I'm not sure when LCB stopped making an effort and I stopped wanting it, or tbh, which came first.
I do know that I haven't had sex like that in a long time, possibly ever.

New guy is attentive, has stamina that a guy half his age would be proud of (and more than me who's so out of practice), and very vocal about what he likes.
He likes me. And tells me so. A lot.

Now I've lost a lot of weight in the last year. I look good dressed. I feel confident and I'm enjoying clothes for the first time ever possibly.
I don't have lots of spare cash to fill my wardrobe but a friend and her mum (she's 25, her mum early 50's) both have lost weight and donated/sold me a suitcase full of stuff. Some still with tags on.
I feel like I can dress well now which is fabulous.
But, I don't look so good naked. I have weight loss battle scars (bingo wings, saggy, wrinkly, csec belly, empty, saggy boobs and bum.
But, this guy looks at me and says I'm delicious. He acts like he's amazed I'm with him. He says I'm smart and sexy.
I think we're compatible sexually, which is where I find him very attractive. He's not a pretty boy. He has nice eyes and he's tall which I love. He's much older than me (12years older). He has confidence and experience.
I'm very inexperienced. I'm slightly scaring myself that I have found my niche with the first guy I met since LCB. I'm enjoying the teacher/pupil dynamic but I'm also worried that I've fallen into a submissive role given LCBs controlling me so long and my allowing it. But, I think it may just be my kink. I've no reason to feel he's going to take advantage of that. On the contrary, although the dynamic is he's in charge, he will regularly tell me it's in my control. And he's proved that by stopping if I've said no, and being respectful if I'm unsure of something. This is more than LCB would ever have done.

I don't think it's a doable ltr. He has dc of his own, our schedules aren't compatible, and he lives 90 minutes away. I also don't know him well enough yet to say I'd even want it to be but i suppose I wasn't expecting to click with someone so soon. I thought I'd be online for ages before meeting anyone, far less having amazing, fulfilling sex with them.

But anyway, back to real life...
The dc told me the other day that daddy's moving in with ow. I asked if he was moving out of his flat and they said no. I just acted surprised that daddy had money to spend on 2 places. I asked them if they knew anyone else with 2 houses. I was a little judgemental but, I would be if anyone told me that story. It does actually disgust me, not even on a personal level. There are a shortage of family homes in my area and this asshat is renting one which he sleeps in a max of 4 nights a month. Never mind the waste of money which could be used for my dcs future (car, deposit, university etc)

I will need to contact my lawyer soon to discuss the next steps and also see my ifa wrt mortgage applications. But I'm stalling. I don't want to face the mortgage thing. And even more so now. I'm supposed to put myself in a lifetime of debt to give him his share when he already has the money to keep 2 homes and go on holidays etc.
It pisses me off. But I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable. He is entitled to it. But I'm still so upset that he couldn't just let it go and see his dc in a stable home. Esp since he walked away from his ex with nothing but his car. And she was just a girlfriend. No dc. And no 20 year relationship.
I guess it's totally because he managed to manipulate her enough that they split amicably. And he failed to do that with me. I showed him up to be the LCB that he is and he's punishing me for it.

My counsellor says I should say I can't get a mortgage. And see what happens with that. She's disgusted that he expects me to pay him back and says she's never heard of a separation situation where the guy hasn't just walked away from the home in order to leave the dc in a stable environment. Even those where it's the wife who's ended it.
I mean it's a possibility I won't get a mortgage. The vast majority of my income is from benefits and maintenance.
But I guess I should talk to my ifa. I know I only worry more when I don't know the answers. And I'm procrastinating like a pro on this particular issue.
I'll do it next week.

I also don't want to ruin my buzz
Orgasms are great for keeping you upbeat and happy. I'd forgotten

What a wonderful update! Love the new sexy you! It may not be forever, but enjoy this time now.. you deserve it!

As for the mortgage etc, have you actually got a separation agreement in place yet? You may be better to do that first as then it is all decided who pays what and how much of a share you get. I can't remember what you said before about any pensions, savings and other assets he has, but you might be able to offset a lot of the equity that you have used to buy the new house against the share of his pension you are entitled to. Hence you may need a smaller mortgage. Although Scottish divorces are never as generous to the resident parent as English ones, they do go up to 60% of assets to resident parent and you may find that once you add the assets all together and work out 60% you are better off than you think.

The separation agreement is more or less agreed but not signed off yet.
We're waiting for state pension valuations.

I love the fact that new guy doesn't know the old me. So I can leave my baggage at the door and be me.

He did ask what had happened to me at one point when I mentioned my ex. I think it must be written on my face that he hurt me.
I just said that he was a nasty piece of work but I have as little to do with him as possible.

Glad it's going well onit.Just what the dr ordered.
Funny day for me today-a year since I found out.self medicating with bread And butter pudding and tbh a large wine with lunch!

Hope you're ok nigel. Must be a tough day. I hope the wine was nice!

Big unmumsnetty hugs nigel

you are an amazing women,a true inspiration Flowers:

*Orgasms are great for keeping you upbeat and happy. I'd forgotten grin8

Have your ever watched the episode MrsBrownsBoys when her and her wee pal from next door are discussing 'organisms'? If not you should track it down on Youtube. I'll link to the episode later for you.

Nigel, I hope today is a good one for you and that unlike me you are not nursing an 'old enough to know better' hangover. xxxx

Thanks all-sorry for nicking your thread again onit.
Started my new job this morning so that's a good distraction. Clearly h has chosen this time to pitch a fit about something ridiculous-I got a friend (known and liked by the girls) to mind the kids on Monday night when I was later back from my weekend away than I thought I would be-and didn't ask him to do it first as he'd already told me he was busy that evening.This apparently makes me a terrible Mother, a bitch and is an attempt to cut him out of the children's lives...it's almost as if he wants me to be in a state on my first day
Difference is a year on, whilst I still find his behaviour upsetting and frustrating, I also now think it's amusing on some levels-because he is such a dick-but honestly can't see it himself.quite funny.
Anyway onwards and upwards...for us all I think!

So pleased you have a new job nigel

But, what a knobend your ex is!!
I'm sure you're right that he's trying to sabotage you with his shitty timing. LCB does similar, which is why I'm glad my dc are still small. It means he doesn't know my significant dates and has less chance of fucking them up for me.

I haven't updated much as I'm finding new guy a tad distracting .
I spoke to my counsellor about it because if I'm honest, it feels very intense and that's not what I was aiming for at all.
She says it's perfectly normal for me to be infatuated with him. For a couple of reasons; I'm emotionally 14 years old and 14 yr olds get obsessed with their boyfriends. It's a growth phase I never experienced so I need to just go through it.
Also, the sex is fucking amazing . And, when all I've had is nothing for 18 months, and basically abusive sex for years before that, its no wonder I'm giddy.

I'm concerned that I have chosen a guy who's dominant. I guess it's a bit of teacher/pupil but I've done some things I've never done before already and I'm worried I'm discounting.
But, my rational head says that I need to experience these things before I can say whether I like them or not.
I feel comfortable and safe with new guy so it's the perfect opportunity too.
We've done some kinky stuff (well kinky for me ) and I'm enjoying being a bit submissive (this is why I'm worried I'll fall back into TheClub same trap) however, despite only knowing new guy for a few weeks, he has made it clear on several occasions that what I say goes. He might be dominant but he's not dominating. It's me that's in charge.
I've said no to him a couple of times and he has stopped immediately and checked I'm ok.
LCB would've just kept on and on and on until one of us gave in (usually me)

I told my counsellor that he'd had sex with me once after I said no.
She used the r word which I'm still struggling with.
I think she knew it was coming as I'd told her that coersion was a regular occurrence and a couple of weeks ago I declined to talk about mine and LCBs sex life becsise I was going to meet new guy after my session and I told her I didn't want to bring up stuff that would upset me.

I have joined the gym as a way to tone up and get out and do something with new people.
I have my induction today after work and a PT session which I can't really afford but I'll write off as a Mother's Day present

I've been to new guys house now too. I'm fairly certain he's not married now. His house is clean and tidy for a blokes place but, his dc are boys too and it had that boys smell, iykwim
Like the concept of opening a window to air the place is beyond him

LCB has been a dick over the easter holiday arrangements. We'd agreed his contact and literally minutes later, I got a text offering the dc a sleepover at their friends house. It was on LCBs night.
I asked him if he would let them go and he demanded 2 nights to replace that one and the 2 midweek dinners that are his regular schedule
I told him I'd made plans for the rest of the week so he replied saying he "had no choice but to refuse" them going on the sleepover. And that he was "disappointed" I'd made plans and he had no say in the holiday arrangements. And that this can't continue for future holidays.
I'm inclined to send him a reply saying I agree it can't continue and that, in order to avoid further conflict, we will just stick to the normal schedule throughout the holidays too.
It pisses me off greatly because I know that one of the other nights he's having a housewarming with ow at their new place and the dc will be spending a fair bit of his contact with their gps and not him while he parties with their friends and nurses his hangover.
Their new flat is in a very desirable area and, the invitation they've sent says as an aside, that it's a "bit of a step up" from (you know, where his wife and dc live)
He really is an asshat.

Some random predictive text there

I think it's all totally normal-it's new and lovely and when it's like that you are bound to feel infatuated-it's a good thing!
Same applies to trying new stuff-it's a new relationship and if you feel comfortable with being a bit more adventurous-well that says more about how LCB made you feel you couldn't or didn't want to, than it being a problem necessarily that you feel different this time iyswim.... I think it's bloody great

What a knob LCB is.if the kids have a social invite on your night you surely just let them go and accept it as part of life.How is it in inherant on you to lose time with them to facilitate them seeing him and being able to socialise normally if their invites fall on 'his' nights? He has some odd ideas.Good luck to him as they get older and are out doing stuff/with their mates all the time.Knobber.

Mine sent me a message last night at 11pm as he had found a letter in dd1s school bag about a netball match today after school, which stuffs up normal childcare arrangements.He asked 'what should they now do after school?' Now given that on Monday he was screaming at me that he 'has 50/50 responsibility for the children and their childcare and wants to be consulted on all parenting decisions', and I will be at work, as he is, until 5pm and unable to get back myself to sort them out as I have been doing when at my old job, what do you think I should reply?
I have naturally sorted something out with friends picking them up etc and responded with said arrangements-but really, can he not see the irony? I'm amused and annoyed in equal measure....and also a bit sad because this is my bloody life for the foreseeable isn't it?

ITs a good point about it always being me "giving up" time.
If he won't facilitate any relationships the dc have in his time with anyone other than his parents.

Me and dc have an invite to a 50th party on his weekend in a couple of months. He'll only let them go if he gets the equivalent time back because I'm going to be there.
Like in the same room.
With a hundred other people.
I'm sure I'll spend about 10 minutes with them

What a bellend...
Well the answer to that for now is unfortunately that if they get asked to do something on his time then it's up to him wether they go or not-but you don't give up your time to allow it. I get that that's not great for the kids but it's his relationship to screw up with them-and you need take no responsibility for them missing out on stuff. They will pretty soon see it and him for what it is.
It's a pain because he will then refuse to compromise inthe reverse-ie when you want them on his weekend or whatever-but it's probably worth that to avoid having to negotiate with the idiot.But you can't enable his entitled attitude about you having to give up time with them so he can have his full time down to the last minute-because where will it end?

If he were sensible or decent then you may be able to work some compromise out but we know he isn't so...

LCB treats your children like possessions, not cherished children.

It does always seem to be you that compromises. I suggest that if he wants the children to miss out on an event that happens to coincide with his turn with them, that it should be he who tells them himself. Perhaps he does that anyway, but somehow I see it as being you that breaks the news to them that they can't go on sleepovers, or whatever it may be.
Have you told him that you know they spend a fair bit of their time with him at his parents, rather than with him as they should? It might take the wind out of his sails a bit if he knows that you know that.

LCB is a twat in most ways but I think on days he has the children there should be no last minute arrangements made for them unless you give the number to whoever is doing the inviting and say - the children are with their father can you pls call and make the arrangements with him as he will be doing the dropping off and picking up.

And for sure I would be letting him know that I was aware of how much babysitting the grandparents do when he has them but be prepared for him to then get nasty and for a can of worms to be opened.

This is very much a case of he can do what he wants when he has them when it comes to his social life but they can't have one when they're with him and he's no plans for the evening.

And try to put his comments about his new place out of your head. He was clearly embarrassed to be announcing moving into his new place after doing what he did so he pre-empted comments by making his own self-depreciating comment instead. I dont for a minute believe it was a chest out comment, more like one that would have an embarrassed smilie at the end of it.

Oh and your new love life - you need a special word to use when you want things to stop as quite often in these situations 'no' is seen as a part of the game and a bit of a turn on. Im not sure if Ive phrased that correctly though but Im sure you'll get what I mean.

He does know I'm aware of the amount of time they all spent with his parents.
They certainly see a lot more of them than they did when we were all together.
I'm sure that'll have been twisted to bring me restricting it.

It's avtuayall to do with the fact he has a flat in our town that he only has so he can have somewhere for them to sleep on the couple of nights a month they aren't at his mums. And somewhere to eat dinner with them on a Thursday night after school.
I don't even count the other weeknight because they have a class and he gives them a sandwich and crisps and chocolate for tea that night.

The waste of money sickens me
He would spend less taking them out for dinner once a week and just staying st his parents in his weekend.
Instead he's dropping £700+ a month in this flat for what? So he can argue he lives near school.

He doesn't he lives in a one bed flat in the city with his girlfriend.
Even if the kids were allowed to stay there, they wouldn't have a room to sleep in.
He doesn't give a shot about his dc.
Surely the first priority of a parent is to provide a stable home.
He isn't doing that. At all.

Yes, MrsPW, a safe word.
You're correct. And it's to be discussed.

Definitely, you should tell Dcs that they need to organise sleep over with their father. Why on earth should you swop w/e's ?
If he refuses sleep over, then its him that will have to tell them, actually it will probably suit him just fine .

The best of it is that it's an extra weekend for him! At my offer. Do he can spend more of the holidays with them.
Thought he'd prefer the weekend instead of taking time off work (and also means I get a weekend off too)

Twat!

Well let him
Cut his nose off to spite his face...and allow yourself a wry smile at his folly

and also means I get a weekend off too

I have a feeling it wont be long before he's thinking it all through and perhaps starts to add two and two together.