Onit's still on it! Thread 3

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Hello to anyone who's still here

Links to previous threads.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2658829-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2690159-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me-follow-up-thread-Onits-on-it

I'm carrying on with this as I'm certain I'd be in a much unhappier state without the support I've received here.
This has become my journal of sorts and I hope it's something I can look back on in time to see how far I've come.
I also hope it helps to document the truth of my situation for the future and perhaps, if read by others, will offer help and hope to them too.

Delurking to say I loved the bit about your new dress at pickup. That's the feeling to hold on to.

I get the fuck him attitude but I have to admit I think Mrs PW is on to something. It's not about him being in control of you and what you do, it's about keeping your private life private so he can't taint it for you. Worst case scenario what if he being a complete bastard starts winding the kids up with that information?

You need to protect your bubble of happiness from this tosser so you can use it to draw strength from in the coming months.

It's not about having a fuck him attitude or flinging this stuff in his face (delightful though that might be). It's about discreetly getting on with your life without being scared of an incredible unlikely eventuality that isn't remotely fair or reasonable in the first place. It's about not living in fear of an unrealistic worst case scenario just because she is in the process of divorcing a horrible bullying bastard. That gives him so much power. It would be totally unreasonable of him to use any of this against her. She has to stand up to that by not allowing him to dictate the (completely imbalanced) terms of their break up via completely imagined (and slightly paranoid) scenarios. That doesn't mean flaunting her new relationship obviously, but she is fine to have someone over to her house in her own time when the kids aren't there.

Onit - if you think you have the kind of neighbours who will a) notice b) care c) immediately rush to tell LCB that you've had a man then let us know. From my perspective, unless we've gone back in time I can't see it! People don't talk to anyone and they definitely don't comment on intimate details of their life. They very likely won't even notice. Is it different where you are?

Basically I just can't see how he would find out. And if he did (incredibly unlikely) how could he use this against you?

Onit Why don't you speak to your counsellor and lawyer about this possibility? Get their professional take and advice on it, what's best, any likely eventualities and how you could handle them?

In the mean time, keep enjoying yourself. You are doing so well!

Hi Onit, how are you feeling this morning?

kitten I get exactly what you are saying. Just from my own experience when I was a kid I found a box of condoms in the house and was confused and started asking questions about what they were for etc. It all came out that my mum had been seeing a new bloke whilst we were at school, who turned out to be married but that's another story

Anyway as a child I felt very unsettled and confused. I can still remember that knot in my stomach of who the hell do I talk to about this, what's going on. My world had been rocked by my parents divorce and now this. Hard stuff to process when you are little.

I'd like to stress you are doing nothing wrong, it's a different scenario. I'm not by any means suggesting that this man is married or you shouldn't move on with your life. Please don't get that from my post.

What I'm saying is forget nosey neighbours, sometimes these things come out in completely crazy unforeseen ways that are beyond your control.

Your choice and only you know your situation. You absolutely deserve happiness after the shit you've been through, just don't want it to turn negative that's all.

Wishing you all the best

What maggiecate said👍🏼

Have fun Onit! Enjoy the moments and look after yourself x

Hi

I've not been ignoring. I have been reading but I've just been really busy with the dc this weekend. So much so I actually nodded off reading their bedtime story

I so totally appreciate the concern shown for me, not only in the last few days, but over the months that this has been going on.

I have given this an amazing amount of thought and have played out many scenarios in my head of how this could go.

I am still planning to have him here.
I have zero concerns about my safety and, as my good friend told me just tonight, he's had 2 chances to kill me already so it's unlikely he'd wait till I was in my own house.

I have great neighbours. And indifferent neighbours.
The great ones know my situation and would probably help kick 7 bells out of LCB if given the opportunity and the indifferent ones would notice nothing.
I think LCB finding out from them is slim.

I do have acquaintances through school who also know him. I have not told them anything significant wrt my situation either now or in the past, in case it made its way back to LCB. Esp after he questioned a mutual parent friend about something I'd posted on social media about my ds. The person I suspected of passing on that info has been blocked from my fb and I now only nod politely in the playground.
I have told a couple of mums that I'd had a couple of dates but I have no plans to tell anyone other than my closest friends that I will have this man in my home. It's none of their business and I don't want anyone dragged into anything by LCB.

I hadn't thought of the scenario that, should LCB find out about me seeing someone, that he might share that info with the dc.
I must admit that, though it's highly unlikely he'd find out, I'd hate for my dc to be any more confused by his twisted view of the situation. And I have no doubt he would give no thought to the pain he could inflict on them (or me) by telling them I was sleeping with someone.
I will take extra precautions to ensure there is no evidence of gentlemen callers to confuse them and I will be even more guarded about who I tell about my personal relationships.

I'd be interested to know how long it took others in similar situations to tell their dc they were dating/in a relationship/whatever and how old the dc were.
This is not so I can start planning to tell them anything. I'm just curious.
As I said it hadn't occurred to me and I thank those who brought it up. I think I was happy thinking if the dc weren't here then I was still protecting them but I still need to consider his need to discredit me. And his history of manipulating the dc to gain points and make me out to be a bad parent.

I don't believe my having sex with anyone changes the fact I'm a good mum but, as MrsPW and others have said, why risk giving him ammunition to hurt my dc.

I must admit that some posts on here killed my buzz a bit especially over Friday, but I want to reiterate that I am grateful for the input, even if it wasn't what I wanted to hear.
I did hear it and will modify my behaviour slightly in recognition of those concerns but not because LCB still has control. Because I want more than anything to protect my dc from him.

I am seeing my counsellor on Monday so I will get her reaction to the invite home too.

I'll let you know tomorrow

Good decision onit! After all, his desire to shag his floozy killed your marriage so now it's YOUR TURN.

You have done nothing wrong and will still not by having him at your house while you're without the kids 💐💐 have lots of fun.

I hadn't thought of the scenario that, should LCB find out about me seeing someone, that he might share that info with the dc

Onit, this is exactly the kind of thing I meant about him, he is capable of anything, and Im surprised you hadn't thought about it previously or realised it. Can you see it was maybe a indicator of how you were throwing caution to the wind a bit because you're happy?

I don't believe my having sex with anyone changes the fact I'm a good mum

No one said you were, we were all happy you have a friend.

I did hear it and will modify my behaviour slightly in recognition of those concerns but not because LCB still has control

And it was never about LCB having control. It was the opposite. It was all about him now not having control and behaving accordingly when he realised it - and you, not us, having to live it.

I'd be interested to know how long it took others in similar situations to tell their dc they were dating/in a relationship/whatever and how old the dc were

Its not something I'll have to face but if I were you I would wait until everything is done legally and LCB has inflicted his domestic arrangements on the children. Let them cope with one thing at a time.

I must admit that some posts on here killed my buzz a bit especially over Friday

Onit, to be honest Im not sorry for saying what I did but I am sorry it killed your buzz a bit. Everything I said is exactly what I would have said to any of my girls and if you had been in my kitchen when I was saying it I'd have been giving you a hug at the same time to soften things a bit. Actually I might even have gone all out and said, come and sit with me in the living room because I want to talk to you, but then again maybe not because I save that for really serious stuff like a pet terrapin going missing.

MrsPW the reason you, and others killed my buzz is exactly as you say.
I want to throw caution to the wind and have a fling.
I honestly don't think LCB (or new guy for that matter) can hurt me by my beginning a sexual relationship. I like new guy but have my shields up on my feelings. I fancy him but I don't see it being more than a fling if only because the logistics are never going to work.
LCB can't hurt me because I couldn't give a shit what he thinks about me! If I shagged the Scottish rugby team in front of him, he couldn't say anything I'd give any weight too, but...

He can hurt my dc by finding out about me and new guy and shit stirring with them. Confusing them and I can now imagine the "your mummy has lots of men friends and that means you're not her only focus anymore but ow and I love you and are very sad you don't spend more time here in a loving home"..... blah blah blah."

He can (and may well) shit stir anyhow as he becomes aware of his control slipping. Regardless of what you are doing/not doing or what he actually knows. Good luck with the counselling today.

If I shagged the Scottish rugby team grin

Well here's hoping there good at something

they're, not 'there'

You've been praying on my mind onit. I really want your buzz to be new found happiness rather than a short term high followed by a shit storm.

Like MrsPW I'd be saying the same thing to a friend stood in front of me that I wanted the best for.

You are the only stable constant thing in your kids lives at the moment and your home is their safe space from all the shit that's happened. If you keep that in mind and take extra precautions then you'll be okay.

Now go get him tiger!!!

I've lost a post from last night but suffice to say, he'll be here soon.
No one but you guys and my close friends know.
LCB is still being a dick about the dcs time.

I'll check back later to fill in the gaps.

Wish me luck

Best of luck Onit, ❤🌺😁😁💄👠🍷

Enjoy your evening.

Have a nice time onit

Have fun

Yes!!!!!!

Well, that was the best 6 hours I've spent for a long, long time!

(and I didn't cross-post :) )

Excellent .

6 hours? Are you dating Sting? 😁

nigel.