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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Onit's still on it! Thread 3

985 replies

onitlikeacarbonnet · 23/11/2016 13:49

Hello to anyone who's still here Smile

Links to previous threads.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2658829-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2690159-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me-follow-up-thread-Onits-on-it

I'm carrying on with this as I'm certain I'd be in a much unhappier state without the support I've received here.
This has become my journal of sorts and I hope it's something I can look back on in time to see how far I've come.
I also hope it helps to document the truth of my situation for the future and perhaps, if read by others, will offer help and hope to them too.

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 10/03/2017 18:03

You are in Scotland, yes? My thoughts are that these sorts of issues are very unlikely to be raised at court stage.

MrsPeelyWaly · 10/03/2017 18:06

Im not thinking of court at all MsPavlichenko. Only her husbands behaviour.

MrsPeelyWaly · 10/03/2017 18:14

Sorry I posted before finishing what I wanted to say.

Im not thinking of court at all MsPavlichenko. My thoughts are way more basic than that and only concern how much of a misery he could make Onits life prior to his level of custody being decided at court.

MsPavlichenko · 10/03/2017 18:23

Yes, but in reality the final decisions re settlement, DC etc will be down to court. What he chooses to say about her, and her choices are only that, My experience of an abusive controller was that attempting to appease him (by not doing things I knew he wouldn't like if he found out) only prolonged the unhealthy dynamic of the relationship. He is going to play dirty, regardless, as he always has. He won't reward her for good behaviour, and in fact what she does is fuck all to do with him. Of course be safe, but you've been modifying your behaviour for years now, this is the time to stop. Difficult though it is.

underitoveritthroughit · 10/03/2017 18:32

I do hear you MrsPW and I have been surprised in the past by how low he can stoop and I know you understand that from your own experience.
I am, I suppose, spitting my dummy out over your appraisal of this situation because you have been correct in the past about what might happen and what LCB is, and I don't want you to be right here! I want to do what I want to do and fuck LCB and his fucking bastard opinion.
I love my moral high ground.
And it might as well be the 1950's because, despite being single and free to do what and whoever I chose, I can't. Because I'll be judged more harshly than a man in my position would.
It sucks!

If anyone has any other ideas which are free or low cost I'd appreciate it.
15 months is a long time with no sex but even more so when it's being handed to you and you want it but can't take it. I don't want my first time with a new man to be in the back seat or alfresco in 6 degree weather.

I am in Scotland MsPav and I think you're probably correct wrt the court stuff. My lawyer certainly seems disinterested in lots of stuff I felt was relevant to illustrate LCBs character and disregard for my dc.
While he was obviously personally disgusted that LCB would suggest leaving my daughter alone to fuck his mistress, he basically said, as he hadn't actually done it, it was totally irrelevant to my case.

MrsPeelyWaly · 10/03/2017 18:43

Yes, but in reality the final decisions re settlement, DC etc will be down to court. What he chooses to say about her, and her choices are only that,

As i said, this is nothing to do with actually being in court. This is all to do about the misery he is going to make of Onits life when he finds out she has a friend and that he has been in her home. He will use the children as a weapon and terrorise her in the run up to going to court for the custody hearing because he can. He'll know he's not going to get 50-50 but that wont stop him making her life a misery in the meantime.

underitoveritthroughit · 10/03/2017 18:45

That's how I feel MsPav.
I'm only in the last few weeks consciously NOT modifying my behaviour. And I think it's a huge part of the liberation I feel. The confidence I have to not only chat online with a man , but meet him, be vulnerable (if only a little) with him and not let LCBs behaviour taint what, so far has been the best few weeks since before I was married.
This is not all to do with this guy.
I have returned to work and I'm so happy to be there. I have people who care for me there. I have had so much positive affirmation over my appearance which has boosted my confidence greatly. Shallow I know.
I'm a dress size I've never been. I weigh the least I've ever weighed as an adult. And I've had lots of ego strokes from stepping out of my comfort zone into online dating. Including this guy who looks at me like I've never been looked at before. I know looks are decievo g but, if it is deception, I don't care. I want to be looked at like that.
I was with LCB for 20 years and he never looked at me like that. Ever.

I'm actually weepy that he can get in the way of me being happy just by existing and being a cunt SadSad

I have to go. My dc have a dance show that's just about to start.
And I want to chat to my friend before I sink into my broken couch and eat the fridge Sad

MrsPeelyWaly · 10/03/2017 18:58

Onit, it's a dreadful situation to be in and Im sorry if Ive said anything thats hurt or unsettled you but Im not saying anything to you that I wouldn't be saying to my girls.

Perhaps its because there's a generation between us that Im not looking at it from the gung-ho attitude of stuff him. But there is also the fact our husbands are peas in a pod and sometimes you just need to chose your battles. We've seen you when you've been in the depth of despair and having to put up with his viciousness and I think unless you play this very carefully you are going to be back there soon. I dont want that for you. In fact I think there is still more in him thats yet to be seen but it wont be half as bad as it could be otherwise.

Could you and your friend go 50/50 on the hotel room?

MrsPeelyWaly · 10/03/2017 19:00

I'm actually weepy that he can get in the way of me being happy just by existing and being a cunt sadsad

You will actually get to the stage that this doest happen but right now I can understand that you are feeling things acutely. xxx

MsPavlichenko · 10/03/2017 19:41

I'm also a generation away! I do understand about picking battles, but my point is this doesn't need to be one. He won't suddenly stop being a Controlling bastard after the settlement, he will still be entitled and judgemental.

We need to break away ourselves. I'm not suggesting brazenly shouting out to all and sundry what you are doing. I'm suggesting doing what you want to, not what you think will placate him.

MrsPeelyWaly · 10/03/2017 19:47

not what you think will placate him

Its not about placating him.

Its not about being under his control

Its about tactics, playing the long game, and its all well and good sitting behind a computer screen saying to hell with him because we're not the ones going to be living his wrath when the doodad hits the fans. We'll be the ones who pop in to post before getting on with our day. She'll be the one living this. Not us.

MrsPeelyWaly · 10/03/2017 19:48

sorry, as soon as he finds out (and he will) that Onit has a friend and he's been in the house all hell will be let loose.

MrsPeelyWaly · 10/03/2017 19:49

Onit, Im turning in for the night now. I think you'll have read enough to last you more than one night. I hope you enjoyed the dance show Smile xxxx

MsPavlichenko · 10/03/2017 19:53

In what way? And as I say, here in Scotland no one is interested I this when making decisions re custody. Also, he won't necessarily know. My experience is that he will also kick off after settlement, his kids, their home, bla,bla, bla .

Mix56 · 10/03/2017 20:21

I think, as an aside, I wouldn't take this guy home yet, obviously I don't know if he is genuine, but as you say, judgement is easily swayed by the need to break free of LCB, & wanting some attention, & sex !
It's too soon, may be he should pay for a hotel ? Why are you giving it all too him on a plate ?

MsPavlichenko · 10/03/2017 20:28

Mix56 . Do you mean why are you having enjoyable consensual sex with another adult on the basis of equality and mutual respect? Sounds good to me!

The issue of taking him home is a different issue of course. Use your own judgement on that one.

Mix56 · 10/03/2017 20:34

oh No, the sex is good !!! My doubts are over taking a virtual stranger home...

nigelforgotthepassword · 10/03/2017 22:48

Hmm, tbh, legally speaking, onit could shag the Scotland rugby team and it would make little to no odds to her case for custody-unless it could be proven that it had a negative effect on her ability to care for her kids. 3 dates with a man, and having said man to her house will make zero odds.
Onit is feeling confident and happy for the first time in ages.Its good enough for me!

nigelforgotthepassword · 10/03/2017 22:51

And if LCB kicks off, well then frankly, fuck him-it's no business of his

MrsPeelyWaly · 11/03/2017 02:52

Hmm, tbh, legally speaking, onit could shag the Scotland rugby team and it would make little to no odds to her case for custody-unless it could be proven that it had a negative effect on her ability to care for her kids. 3 dates with a man, and having said man to her house will make zero odds
Onit is feeling confident and happy for the first time in ages.Its good enough for me

Ive made it very clear a few times over that my concerns don't involve any legalities regarding shared care of the children so Im a bit perplexed as to why this aspect of it has been brought up yet again.

And if LCB kicks off, well then frankly, fuck him-it's no business of his

Thats very easy to say when it involves someone else and its them who'll be facing the fallout of our fuck him posts.

nigelforgotthepassword · 11/03/2017 08:05

Peace Mrs PW-honestly wasn't my intention to offend you and I'm sorry if I did.
Hope the dancin' was good onit

AgathaF · 11/03/2017 14:35

I think that if taking the man home, for whatever reason, is what you want to do then you should do it onit. You have to trust your instincts - no point having them otherwise, and if you feel he is safe then go with it. Although maybe get someone to phone a couple of times to check you're ok?

The thing about LCB going apeshit if he knows you're having a relationship, no matter in what form, with another man is, I think, a bit of a non event. Yes, he'll attempt to make your life a misery, he'll say it's disruptive for the children, and it may make him say that it's time for the DC to meet OW since you are also seeing someone else now. However, this is going to happen anyway, whether in one day, one week or one year. If you feel you can cope with it, then just go with it. You don't have to listen to him, or read his texts, or his emails, if he's abusive to you.

You are an autonomous adult woman. You should feel confident to life your life, with your children, as you see fit to do. And experience in this last year has shown that you're pretty bloody good at it so far Smile.

MrsPeelyWaly · 11/03/2017 18:47

Hi Nigel, thank you for that Smile but honestly I wasn't offended. I was frustrated. I couldn't understand why my opinion was confusing people when to me it was very clear. I thought I was in a revolving door that was only going to get faster and faster.

Kittencatkins123 · 11/03/2017 19:14

I think what you're saying comes from a good place of care and concern Mrs PW.

But firstly I don't get how LCB is going to find out about onit's friend. Unless you live in the curtain twitchiest gossipy meddler packed street of all hell, they wouldn't notice or care, and even if they did, how would they get to the point of letting LCB know about it and why would they want to share that information with him anyway? Onit - what are your neighbours like? Can you see them in all honesty saying anything to LCB? Maybe your situation is different, but round me, you might get a hello when you cross paths in the street/take the rubbish out. The chances of them informing anyone who comes round their suspicions about I've been shagging are less than none. and I'm bloody loud

Secondly LCB is hardly in a position to use this against you and I just don't get how he could? It would be beyond hypocritical, just laughable, and I can't see how he could turn it to his advantage. But maybe I'm wrong, I don't have experience in that side of things.

LCB is always going to be a fucking bastard throughout this process. I don't think you should put your life on hold because you are scared it might somehow exacerbate his horrible behaviour. (Especially when it's something that's unlimlely to happen as in this case). Sometimes you have to go - no, you don't have a right to use this against me, you don't have a right to bully me, and I'm not going to live in fear of you or let you have any control over my life any more.

And I'm going to have a lovely enjoyable shag with someone who is actually nice to me Wink

maggiecate · 12/03/2017 01:22

Onit, delurking again to say in this day and age no-one is going to blink you having a gentleman friend over. You're in a new house - as far as the neighbours are concerned LCB is your ex, if they are aware of him at all. Who's going to think it's any of his business, let alone go to the bother of tracking him down and telling him?

And frankly if he has an issue with it and tried to raise it in court the judge is going to give him a long hard stare, raise and eyebrow and think "Aye, she's well shot of that numpty."

Life goes on. You can't live it in fear of how he's going to react -because he's never going to react to anything you do well. Because he's an arse. You will always be in the wrong as far as he's concerned, because he's an arse. Why on earth would you want to give his opinion any weight? He's an arse. Any fuss he kicks up can only serve to further reveal him as the arse he undoubtedly is.

You're single, horny and the kids aren't in, you have a nice chap who makes you feel fab. You're allowed to have this. What's he going to do in reality? Be an arse? Been there, done that, you've survived and you're making a new happy life with him as an irritation on the periphery, and he hates that. LCB can huff and puff all he likes, but guess what? He can only stop you if you let him.

And the new Onit - or rather the Onit that was always there but cowed into submission but who is now free and brave and magnificent - isn't going to let him stop her doing anything.