Onit's still on it! Thread 3

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Hello to anyone who's still here

Links to previous threads.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2658829-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2690159-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me-follow-up-thread-Onits-on-it

I'm carrying on with this as I'm certain I'd be in a much unhappier state without the support I've received here.
This has become my journal of sorts and I hope it's something I can look back on in time to see how far I've come.
I also hope it helps to document the truth of my situation for the future and perhaps, if read by others, will offer help and hope to them too.

Have you the cream and pessarie, cream is for the itch and pessarie for the infection usually 5 to 7 days,
😫

Usually works fairly quickly when I've taken it before

Second the canestan duo - pessary and cream.

And go you! I'm so, so pleased he saw you looking your awesome best. Bet that got him thinking a bit.

Don't bother with the pessary just get the capsule, take it once and it's done. Not cheap mind!
I got thrush too and after getting back in the saddle so to speak after a while

Got the pessary and cream.

It better work quick; I've date no.3 in 6 days

3rd date in 6 days!!

He is the SHITTEST DAD OF ALL TIME apart from my shittest of the shittest dad

I'm SO GLAD he hates you - his plan has wholly failed! Also what an utter CUNT to be angry at you after all he's done, just because you have the gall to have coped, ZERO THANKS TO HIM.

Re thrush, canesten also do a body wash that you can use on your lady area that I find quite helpful (appaz being given head can be a common trigger )

Acidophilus. Am evangelical about it. Not cheap but you can take a really high dose to start off. I discovered it years ago when nothing else was working. Holland and Barrett often have good deals.

By how did date three go??

Date three next week nigel

kitten that might explain it

Parents evening tonight and I wore my other dress.
I didn't even look at him and just basically pretended he wasn't there.
It worked well

tell me you didn't sitt with him, I beg you

I had to mix
The dc were there.

Hehe good one onit (though it's annoying too!)

Ah I love a guy that tends to a woman's needs!

mspav I will need to check that out!

Also I think eating live yoghurt and maybe actimel are supposed to help (but will bow to greater MN wisdom on this!). And you can always baste your bits with the yoghurt too - nice and cooling

Well done on being poised and magnificent with LCB (as usual)

He has a beard. Maybe that's what did it!

I feel in control of my life for the first time ever.
Certainly I'm in control of my love/sex life. Well as much as I can be when I'm still learning what I want, what I like.
The guy I'm seeing is significantly older than me and is experienced in ways I'm not. He has so much confidence and is very good at encouraging me to be confident.
It is obviously early days but I do think there is a connection there. I feel very comfortable with him and I think it's telling (and actually pretty sad) that I feel safer to experiment with this relative stranger than I ever did with LCB.

I have decided that 3rd date is probably a suitable time to invite him to my house. If I'd met him locally in the pub or whatever, he'd probably have been in my house before now.
I do have my shields up by I'm also pleased that what LCB has done hasn't entirely ruined my opinion of men. I still believe the vast majority of people are decent, or at least not hellbent on hurting others.
I think we're already quite sexually compatible but, although I obviously like him, I don't feel scared that I'm going to fall hard for him if it doesn't work out.
I feel more worried that I'm using him than the other way around. Does that make sense?

Anyway, it has brought up the subject of what LCB did to me a few years back.
I think I need to address it before I'll ever be able to fully commit to any relationship.
I haven't told my counsellor about it. You guys and my dcousin are the only ones who know. I still find using the word rape really difficult, even in my head.
It almost came up at my session last Monday but, as I was going to my date straight after, I said I didn't want to talk about it. (She'd asked for examples of whatever controlling behaviour LCB had shown to make me feel so scared of him.
I started to say he'd done things to put me in my place but she agreed to put it to one side and lighten the mood before the session finished.

I worry that I'm gravitating towards a submissive role but, as I said, this is something I haven't experienced or explored before. And, significantly I think, new guy has stepped out of his more dominant role to say that I'm in control of this and what I say goes.
I feel respected and cared for. Which is both exhilarating and alien in the extreme.

I'm waffling but this isn't something I can speak freely about to friends irl and I need to organise my feelings on this subject. So here you are, getting tmi and learning about me at the same time as I am.

I've been following your threads from the start Onit, and I just want to say how brave you are. Not just for getting yourself and your DC through being treated so badly by that arse, but also for being so open to restart your life after all you've been through. You are inspirational and I'm sure you are bringing hope to lots of women. Keep going strong

Thank you DoubleR (is that a twin peaks reference? )

I'm amazed at the transformation in my life in the last 12 months.
I'm not an inspiration. The ladies here who've kept me going by showing me its possible to survive and thrive are.
I owe much of my new outlook and confidence to them and people like you who have and continue to support me.

I can only hope that these threads are evidence of that.

I will, one day, go back, read and see the change in me.
And I will cherish the friendships I've made here (even if those friends are strangers)
I'm blessed

I feel respected and cared for - that is how a relationship should feel. It's a shame that it's a strange feeling for you, but hopefully it's another thing that will help you to move even further on in your life.

I'm also so chuffed that LCB has seen you dressed up a couple of times lately. I'm glad you sat with him at school. It shows him that you are not bothered or intimidated by him. Even if it's not how you feel inside, it's good that he will think you have moved on, and it's good that you are able to present as such.

Onit, I think you were more than ready for the breakdown of you marriage - not that you knew at the time.

Im happy to listen to you so please dont feel you need to hold back from telling us things - I think its the the anonymity helps quite a lot.

Im not sure however about taking your friend back to your house. Knowing how the mind of people like LCB works I think I would be keeping my friendship separate to everything till you've got all the nitty gritty sorted out with LCB. I know you probably think he'll never find out but these kind of things can be found out even when you think you've minimised the risk. I'd be playing it a bit safe for the foreseeable future, but also because I think there is still time on your side full stop for bringing your friend home. Im sorry if that is putting a damper things but its what I'd be telling my girls as well.

God no!!
He'd not be in my house when my dc are there MrsPW. No way!
I'm not sure my dc will ever see me with another man. That seems decidedly odd.

No way!
It's a daytime date. So no one but my neighbours would know there'd been a man in my house.
And tbf there's been plenty of worries etc in my house since I moved in.

And frankly, LCB can kiss my ass if he had a problem with me having any kind of relationship, even if I had a procession of men through my front door (which I obviously would never do)

*workies not worries!

He'd not be in my house when my dc are there MrsPW. No way!

I knew that, and Im not sure how it appeared otherwise. I was thinking more along the lines of your neighbours or one of those random occurrences, co-incidences, that means people are left saying - would you believe he found out because of .........

You've already seen the look of hatred your dress etc prompted. Can you imagine what it would do it him if he knew you were dating and bringing someone to the house? You still have shared custody to sort out and for the sake of that I would be keeping my friend away from the house till it was sorted. I really do believe you will feel LCB's wrath if you're not careful - you with a man friend will tip him right over the edge and you will also have to contend with him saying - you are moving on as well. And Im sorry but I don't think this is the time for a LCB can kiss my arse stance. You have to play the long game here and right now I think your on a bit of a roll and not thinking straight.

I'd also go as far as to say you don't know the bloke you are seeing, he really is just someone you've met on the internet - its too soon to be showing him where you live.

This is also what I'd be telling my girls if they were in your situation.

If almost love it if LCB did raise objections to you seeing someone if only for the pleasure you would have in giving him a quizzical head tilt and eyebrow raise.

I think Onit would lost the moral high ground if that were to happen and a right pandoras box would be opened at a time when they're still too many uncertainties.

Right now her husband can use nothing against her to get into a fight about the kids and shared 50-50 custody, not that Onit thinks he would get it, but he would love the fight. Why do that to yourself when you can sit tight for a wee while longer playing the long game?

Im pleased Onit is having fun and that she's come on so well but i think there could be a very high price to pay for it in other respects if she doesn't slow down a wee bit and think twice about having her friend home.

I hear you MrsPW and I totally get that. I guess I'm basing my timescales on my previous, before dc experiences, which tbh, are minimal. If I'd met him in a pub at 21 and fancied him like I do, I would likely have returned to his flat by the third date and slept with him. The feelings I get which tell me he's genuine (though this is my main worry as I'm unsure if I can trust my judgement given my track record) are based on my face to face meetings with him.
It is certainly food for thought but it sticks in my craw.

Perhaps I should ask my friend to wear a hi viz jacket if he comes to visit (I'm being silly, but there have been various men in my house both during school hours and whilst my dc were present when I've had work done) in case people talk.

I find it rather ridiculous that LCB would voice concerns about me having any kind of relationship given he embarked on his affair whilst still in the home, actually invited her (and she came) to a group gathering, whilst they were in the midst of concealment and had my children parade themselves in front of her (for her approval?)
That he had liaisons with her in my car presumably because his own wasn't as comfortable for shagging in. That he presumably had liaisons with her in her own marital home in the months leading up to being found out.
It's unfortunate that I can't afford a second home for the sole purpose of keeping my sex life separate from my children, like he can.

But I may be looking for excuses to go ahead because I'm frankly horny and would rather have sex in my own bed as opposed to in a car.
Where obviously there are other risks regarding exposure. A criminal charge of indecency wouldnt go down well in a custody hearing presumably.

If I could afford a hotel room, I wouldn't hesitate, if only so I could avoid having to clean and tidy beforehand, but I can't.

If I continue to think about how LCB will react to my behaviour, and how I'll be punished for it, it simply proves that he still has control over me and that is quite the saddest feeling I've had about my situation since I visited my in laws.
It makes me feel like any progress I have made is actually just a sham because I still have to adjust my wants and needs to his whim (whether he's aware of that or not is irrelevant)

Now I just feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

Am I really supposed to remain celibate till I have a court order in place for custody?

Am I really supposed to remain celibate till I have a court order in place for custody

No. Not at all. Just prepare yourself for the fact that if he gets wind of the fact you've had someone in your home he will make your life a misery and if you think he's been a dirty fighter up to now - you haven't seen anything yet.

And what he did doesn't matter because this will be all about you!

And its not about him controlling you. It is in fact the opposite. Its about you knowing him inside out now and using it to your advantage.

And no one suggested you remain celibate - just that you rethink having your friend in your house. Would you have taken someone home after 3 dates when you were single? Perhaps you would but your circumstances are different now and you cant compare then and now.

You were not married to an run of the mill Joe Bloggs, you were married something completely different. Remember that knowledge is power. Please don't bite your nose off to spite your face.