Onit's still on it! Thread 3

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Hello to anyone who's still here

Links to previous threads.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2658829-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2690159-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me-follow-up-thread-Onits-on-it

I'm carrying on with this as I'm certain I'd be in a much unhappier state without the support I've received here.
This has become my journal of sorts and I hope it's something I can look back on in time to see how far I've come.
I also hope it helps to document the truth of my situation for the future and perhaps, if read by others, will offer help and hope to them too.

Things are quiet here and life is moving on with everything changing and staying the same.

I'm taking the dc to see their gp's tomorrow. It'll be the first time I've been in their house since last summer.
I just turned off the light and rolled over to sleep when I suddenly started crying. I'm imagining the subtle changes. The fact their home won't feel like my home anymore. The photos that may have been changed and now I'm wondering why I agreed so readily to go.
I know why. For my dc.
I've been taken by surprise by my tears. I haven't cried in a while.

If anyone's around tomorrow afternoon to give me a handhold I'd appreciate it. It should only be for a couple of hours max as Dd has a party till late afternoon and I'll be coming home for a reasonable bedtime hour.
I'm not sure how to do this when I've had so many realisations which leave me questioning my judgement and my apparent need to keep up appearances or the pretence of them with his parents. And I can't help but wonder what/if anything happened when LCB was a child to make him the way he is.
It feels like I've been invited to play in a game and everyone else knows the rules but they won't share them with me. I will need a stiff drink tomorrow evening

Let me know what time Onit and I'll be here. I'm 4 hours ahead of the Uk and my day will be winding down so plenty of time for you.

You do know you're the real McCoy, and I would put money on your inlaws being very nervous about the fact you got away and you are the one now seeing the entire situation for what it is.

Did anything happen to your husband when he was young? Ive thought of that as well regarding mine and on Im going firmly along the line of nature over nurture.

xxxx

Just wanted to pop in and lend a bit of early support for today, I'm certain you'll do yourself proud. X

I may have mentioned this before. But my EX SIL was always very welcome in my Mum's house, Brother got an OW, :o(
Anyway, She always remained a DIL, the mother of her grandchildren, much loved & admired.
They didn't change, why would they? It was my brother who had changed.
Take heart Onit, they are still the same people & probably hate what has happened.
This is in the past tense, as Mum passed away, but exSIL is still very much my friend, & my kids still consider her as their aunt. (not the case for the OW)

emoticon fail, should be unhappy !

Lost a post

I'm still wobbling.
But I appreciate the support so much. I'll be there only a couple of hours probably from around 5pm.

I remember going to visit the house when we started going out but I don't remember there being any pictures of his ex and by all accounts mil adored her and was devastated when they split.

I've given lots of thought (too much?) to what might've happened to LCB to make him the way he is. My counsellor says it's likely something from very early childhood and I'm pondering could it be something as innocuous as his sister being born when he was 2? She was apparently a very high needs baby/toddler so maybe he just felt pushed out/replaced.
On the surface he gets on well with his sister but there were little signs that he felt she was favoured which i never gave much thought to before.
She got a better degree from a better uni and I know this grated. He has a much better job than her but she isn't as driven by the need to succeed. She lived abroad. Another annoyance I'm sure. And she's a girl. Close to her Mum now and, about 15 years ago I remember him discussing issues he had with his dad not being demonstrative enough
From a man who never held my hand or said he loved me without me saying it first. Who actually commented that I said it too much when we'd been together about 5 years or so

I'll be thinking of you onit and I'll pop in around then to see how you are.
Try and think of it as just a house, just the people you knew.Not in the context of LCB. You are there In the context of them (still) being your family-even if it looks slightly different.
This first time will be the worst...as with everything. And you have come through harder stuff than this kid... You can do it.
Also you know what, if you get upset whilst there-just acknowledge it and say why if they ask. They seem like nice people from what you've said-and I hope they would be understanding even if they can't totally be on your side.

Onit, my husband was sent back to live in the country of his birth when he was about 16. He was sent alone and at one time worked 3 jobs before joining the military - that then set him on the road to being who he is now professionally. Anyway, he has next to nothing to do with our childen and before I gave up trying to make it different he told me - they are big, what do they need me for???? He really doesn't understand why.

As you know I also live away from my birth family but we are very close and we never feel far away from each other but my husband will say to me - we didnt have our families, we didnt need them. I said to him but the difference between us is that I wanted mine. So maybe there is something to be said for the role our husbands fathers played in their life. But who knows? I usually have to have an answer and a reason for everything but funny enough having to know why he is a sociopath didn't really bother me that much - I was just so relived to eventually know what I was dealing with and use the info to set me on the road to recovery.

But if it helps I do know that when it comes to a sociopath they say that emotional trauma around the age of 15 plays a key part in who these people are. This link may help you to understand a bit better but Im not sure if posting it is the right thing to do.

depressiond.org/sociopath-sociopathic-personality-disorder/

Oh and if its of any comfort for you my in-laws have nothing to do with my husband and have told him - she is one of us and your children with her are our children. I would be very surprised if your in laws arent well aware of your husbands faults however they might just not be able to let you see that.

Good luck Onit, thinking of you and I hope it goes well x

Delurking to say I am thinking about you, and hoping it goes well.

Hi on it, just checking in. Its the last night of our weekend here and Im kicking up a storm by having a snickers with my two glasses of wine. I'll regret it in the morning when Im up and out the door for my personal training at the gym but tonight I'm saying to hell with it.......

A cousin of mine was telling me yesterday that her husband of 25 years told her he was unhappy a few days ago and within hours he'd moved out to his brothers. The family of course are in shock and they're saying things like Oh my god they seemed so happy, I can't believe it blah blah blah - now I may be an old cynic but sadly life has taught me that looking happy means nothing. Poor lady.

I'm here. Wedding photos have disappeared.

Oh, that's tough. Maybe he asked them to ? Maybe they are in the office/album/bedroom?
I would HONESTLY say something like,
"Wow, so I never existed, I was never an integral part of this family for X years, the mother of your GC ? ?"

or "What happened, you had a ceremonial burning of our wedding photos ?"

Sorry, just blethering in case you need your mind taken of anything right now.

Within the last few days Ive been diagnosed with ortheoarthritis in my knees, my right one in particular is bad, I'm in a lot of pain. I can't believe how quickly this came upon me, it wasnt there one week and the next week it was. Im told I'll need a knee replacement further down the line but I can't live with this pain, as well as the inconvenience of it. I took all of my grandchildren out today and thank god I had one of my daughters in law with me because when it came to having our picnic I couldnt sit on the grass with them. I had to sit on a chair and of course I couldnt be the hands on nana I usually am. Well stuff that for a game of soldiers and Im going to see a specialist this week with a view to having surgery as soon as I can. I'll have to go privately but it will be money well spent. I really am to young at almost 59 to be disabled, and thats how I feel. I even had to put my knee up on a cushion at the hairdressers yesterday. It was bloody grim. Ive watched my Uk based pal going through this and she had to wait till she was a certain age to have a knee replacement done but by the time she had it done she was too old to want to be doing much - Im not dead yet!!!!!!!!! I still have a whole lot of placea to go and things to see and do!

I hope you're doing ok xxxx

Oh lord, sorry onit.
I would try and make a light comment about it if it's bothering you-you will only go home and not be able to stop thinking about it if you don't.
Say what mix suggested? Or just, 'oh dear-i feel pretty sad you took our wedding pictures down'.Its fine to acknowledge it.
I have rheumatoid arthritis Mrs P. Diagnosed last Jan. Was fine in October, in agony by the December.They still don't have my meds right but much better than I was

I won't mention it. It's not like I have any up in my house either.
There is one photo of us in a fairly prominent position so I've not yet been wiped from the face of the earth.

Sorry you guys are suffering. My dm had RA and the pain was unbearable at times. You have my sympathies. I worry about it too as being hypothyroid can cause other auto immune issues.

Ah good well then at least you are still 'there'

I'm home. Kids asleep and I'm downstairs with a cuppa and a packet of custard creams!

Cried (silently) most of the way home.
My fil quite clunkingly said he appreciates seeing me more now as it's much less frequent. But it's weird, when we were sat in the dining room alone with Dd just colouring, I realised I have nothing to say to him and I felt that he was probably thinking the same thing. We barely said much more than small talk.
I say more to acquaintances. I feel so sad that I can't share my actual life with them anymore. I want to but I can't.
It's so painful to be in their company knowing there's this giant elephant which keeps us all at arms length.

I'm so upset now. And I don't quite understand why.

Onit, sorry, we cross posted and I didn't see your comment about the wedding pictures.

I wouldnt worry too much about the change in dynamics between you and your FIL even though I know its hurts, and its scary. Its all perfectly normal and you'll find a lot of your relationships change. As for the stilted small talk, I imagine they are very embarrassed/ashamed and quite honestly don't know how to deal with the situation - and all the moreso if its not the first time he's had a broken relationship and the family have had to take down pictures. I think they're well aware of who their son is.

Nigel - Im sorry you're also in pain with arthritis and its interesting yours came and deteriorated so suddenly as well. Im quite shocked by it to be honest. I was ok just a few weeks ago and Im now Im quite debilitated by it. I took my grandchildren out yesterday and took one of the carers with me because I knew I wasn't up to taking off after one of the wee ones if they ran off. My gym sessions have all had to be reviewed and today someone at home asked if I needed a help up the stairs!

I hope you get your medication sorted out soon? My son in law is a Dr and he wants me to try concentrated Turmeric capsules before taking conventional medicine and Im going to give it a go because there is a lot of evidence to prove it works - will still see the Knee Dr though.

Onit, Im sorry your mum was in such pain. xx

Ah onit, it was bound to feel different.And what Mrs p said about them probably feeling awkward because they are embarrassed about want LTB turned out to be, and because yes, their loyalty will be a bit divided.
I still think it's great that they still want a relationship with you and you with them.

Im on methatraxate Mrs P...it works for a bit, then it doesn't...need to improve my diet and eat with it more in mind I think...perhaps that will help.I don't eat much really but what I do eat is probably not the right stuff-I read somewhere that dairy isn't good for the arthritis. I feel you on the exercise though.I used to cycle a lot-no chance of that currently.

Had a bad couple of days.
My friends took my dc out today with their dc and I send the day on the couch, sleeping and binging.
The tears haven't come to much but they are always there, threatening.

I've zoned out totally today. I managed to feed my dc and get them to bed but I'm done in.
I have a massive to do list that I'm ignoring. I have important phone calls to make but I just can't do it. I feel like I'm failing again.

Hey now.I still have days like that from time to time.You have been through something traumatic and you have had a busy time of it late, plus your visit to your inlaws will have stirred things up emotionally.
Rest, give yourself a day to feel like this, then get back up and start again.You have done brilliantly onit, but recovery from something like this is a marathon, not a sprint.Dont give yourself a hard time. As long as you are doing the basics with the kids, and they are ok, you are doing fine, don't think you are not.

onit, please don't over think it. The fact that you were in their sitting room to see missing photos, shows that you are still welcome.
It is very likely that LCB asked them to remove it, or they decide that as they have the kids often it was better not to post photos of the past IYSWIM.
Try & look forward & not back.
There have been so many changes, so rapidly, it is bound to be hard to keep your head above water... but you have been so strong, you should have a medal !