Onit's still on it! Thread 3

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Hello to anyone who's still here

Links to previous threads.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2658829-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2690159-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me-follow-up-thread-Onits-on-it

I'm carrying on with this as I'm certain I'd be in a much unhappier state without the support I've received here.
This has become my journal of sorts and I hope it's something I can look back on in time to see how far I've come.
I also hope it helps to document the truth of my situation for the future and perhaps, if read by others, will offer help and hope to them too.

It's the non linear thing that's fucking me up nigel
I was fine 4 months ago. But it's my first day back at work tomorrow. I'm so nervous. I've prepped as much as I can and the dc know I'm nervous and have promised to be good in the morning, but I'm so worried it's going to tip me over into failing. I'm just about coping ATM but I'm not sure if that's because I've no work stresses to deal with and if I need a day to zone out, I can.

Tbf it's not that work will stress me per se it's the added pressure of less time to do everything else and the reality of having 2 dc depending on me entirely. And LCB waiting in the wings to watch me fail. I'm so worried about letting the plates stop spinning. I'm physically healthier than when I was last at work but my mental state is on a knife edge.
Not sure I'll sleep much but best get to bed and try.

good luck tomorrow !

You're going to be great Onit. 👍🏼

Hope it goes well today onit, although remember that it's like any new routine and it will take time to get used to, with probably some teething troubles along the way. That's normal and to be expected, so don't beat yourself up over it.

Work could be a really positive thing in that it gives you another focus, so reducing the amount of time you have to think about LCB and that situation.

Keep going, you're doing great.

Thinking of you today Onit....
Fucking Brilliant congratulations, this is a new step to being independent after years of suffering his abuse. I get that juggling all the other stuff can make you worry, but Agatha is right, you won't have time to worry, so you may feel globally better.
Every first day at a new job is exhausting, so don't get freaked if you fall onto the sofa with pizza tonight. its OK !!!!
& any poking from LCB, ignore him, SILENCE. he will want to know how it went. DO NOT RESPOND. You owe him nothing.

I hope today goes well for you onit. I've been a long time lurker & occasional poster. So pleased things are going in the right direction for you and little onits. Wishing you every success x

I hope it's going well onit.
Hopefully you will enjoy it and it will give you a distraction from LCB's antics.
Remember that you only need to do the essentials.If the house is less today than usual, so what? If the kids have fish fingers for tea because you are knackered/been too busy to shop or cook, then again it won't kill them.
And also you will feel knackered for the the first month or so until you get back into the routine. That's normal. Be kind to yourself.

Good luck for today - first days (even if you know the place) can be nerve wreaking. Look you have achieved so much, this is the latest challenge. So what if the house doesn't look quite so tidy for the next few weeks whilst you get to grips with the new routine. Give the kids some chores to help out. You and they will be fine.

Kia kaha, Onit - we're thinking of you.

Thanks for all the encouragement. Sorry I didn't reply till now.

It was ok.
I didn't cry or run away

Totally done in though. Hopefully I'll be less knackered as I get used to it.

Dcs were fab this morning and that was an enormous help. I'm so proud of them for understanding that I was apprehensive. And when Ds saw me in my uniform he said I looked great (and cuddly )

Thanks again everyone

How did it go onit?

Oh sorry-posted before I read.glad it went ok-good stuff, good stuff

Really happy to read it went well Onit. You're doing great!

I am totally useless today. I'm sore all over and just want to curl up in a blanket. I wasn't expecting to be so sore and drained.
I'm not dreading going back tomorrow so I'll take the positive out of it. I'm going for a bath soon then I'll get on with what needs doing.

I've phoned mediation this morning and have a phone appointment next month. I have contacted my lawyer to let him know and reiterated my concerns about the process. I also let him know about what LCB did to split me and my cousin up.

My next big admin job is to sort out a mortgage. I'll wait till I have a full months pay on my wage slip though.
I'm starting to worry that I won't get one though. And then what? Will he put me and dc on the street? Will he withhold maintenance? Or will I end up giving most of it back to repay him?
The thought that I owe him anything still grates. But I suppose it's my ultimate punishment.
Everyone I tell about having to pay him back has questioned it. It's less than a years salary to him. You'd think if he had a shred of guilt he'd just let it go. It's put a roof over dcs heads. It's not like I'm using it to fund my pop star lifestyle
Anyway...

And I finally had a text from my mil asking us to dinner next weekend.
I've said yes. I'm still unsure of them personally but I really want to maintain at least some contact for the dcs sake. It gives LCB less ammunition to say I'm cutting contact with his family. It's notable that when dc are with him, they spend much more time with his parents than they did when we were together. It wouldn't surprise me if he hasn't said that I was limiting that. In the days after he told me about ow he alluded to me being responsible for his lack of close friendships. I remember saying that was total bullshit and, given he'd conducted an affair for months without my knowledge, it was obvious he could cultivate and maintain any relationship he liked without my interference. Obviously at this point I didn't know about my cousin. If only I had.

Well it was bound to be a shock to the system... Good that you are ready to go back tomorrow.
And well
Done for getting through your to do list...good going.

I appreciate the cheerleading nigel

Every mundane task seems to be a mountain to climb.
I realise I had so little appreciation from LCB over the years I am so amazed that you guys want to acknowledge every wee thing I get done. I'm grateful for it.

Onit, how are you?

And how is everyone else?
xxxx

Checking in

I'm ok. My house is a tip but clothes are clean, if unironed. People have been fed, if not the most nutritious fare.

Dc were with LCB this weekend and I was working. Only got a hour or so with them tonight basically getting them to bed.
Tucking Ds into bed and he was a bit upset. After a bit of probing he still wants daddy to come back. To be a team again. He knows that's not going to happen. He doesn't want to be in our wee house; he wants to be in "the big house" (presumably one of the ones we went to look at in March/April and had spent months saying we were moving to)
I told him I was sorry I couldn't give him what he wanted but that I'm doing the best I can for him and his sister. He was so apologetic but I said he had a right to his feelings and I understood.
I said I was sorry if he was unhappy. He said he was sorry I was unhappy; that it wasn't my fault. We were both crying but I told him that crying is sometimes good because it can get your bad feelings out and make you feel better. That I wasn't unhappy except that he was.
I said that he might not have realised but daddy had been really unhappy with mummy. It had nothing to do with him or his sister but daddy had made a decision to try to make himself happy. That this isn't what I thought was going to happen either but that, although it might be difficult to see now, things might end up better than before. He's really into the idea of God ATM so I said that he should have faith that God has a plan. That I was sorry he was learning so young that life is so complicated and that I couldn't explain in a way he'd understand but, one day, he would understand and know that I'd tried my very best.
I kept saying I was so happy he was talking to me about how he was feeling. That I'd always listen and be there to help him. That my job as his mummy is to do just that. That I'd always do what's best for him and his sister; but that didn't mean he'd always get what he wants. Just that I'd always put their happiness first.

Amazingly, he fell asleep very soon after. And we'd had a giggle about his sister snoring really loudly in the next room

I'm so sad for him. He feels so much but bottles it up. Right up until he can't hold it in.
I feel bad for crying with him (and I blame LCB totally for making me question myself with this because I know I wasn't doing it to manipulate but I doubt myself for showing any emotion )

It's normal to show emotion onit, and good that your son can see that you are able to show emotion too. It will help him to do the same. It sounds like you handled that really well. It must have helped him, for him to fall asleep so quickly after.

I think you did well there onit.
The biggest breakthrough I and with my girls was when I was upset one day and didn't hide it very well and they asked me some questions about their sad and I face them honest (but appropriate) answers.They said they hadn't felt they'd got those before.I felt a bit guilty as I knew it wouldn't go down well with h, but actually I figured-that isn't my problem.my first and last priority is those girls and my relationship with them-he isn't my issue anymore and neither is LCB yours.
How was work the onit? Has it been ok?

I'm in bed with real flu-this is the first time in a few days I've been with it...still not up though. A lovely friend Called in earlier and left me with a flask of tea and one of soup and some water and medicine for the day, otherwise I'd be buggered.Not so good being a single type when you are sick sometimes.
Saw solicitor last week and if I can find my marriage certificate and get it to her she can file for the financial agreement and divorce and all being well in 5 months I'll be done

Sorry you're poorly nigel but glad you have a thoughtful friend to look after you.
So pleased to hear you're moving on with the separation though.
I'm waiting on a payslip so I have more up to date numbers to contact the financial advisor and discuss mortgage possibilities.
You're so right about your dc. And your obligation (or lack of) to protect their opinion of their dad. Especially when it is detrimental to their opinion of you.
This is something I struggle with. I'm learning how to not answer questions on LCBs behalf. I either say I don't know or suggest they ask daddy. I offer the chance to call if I think it's urgent enough. Only once has Ds wanted to call.
I'm pleased with the way I handled Ds last night. He's obviously struggling with the change in circumstances though which makes me even more concerned that LCB thinks it's ok to throw ow into the mix.

Onit, that was so well done... Bravo.
KOKO

hello MNHQ, please remove my last post, it hasn't got the text, error !