Onit's still on it! Thread 3

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Hello to anyone who's still here

Links to previous threads.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2658829-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2690159-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me-follow-up-thread-Onits-on-it

I'm carrying on with this as I'm certain I'd be in a much unhappier state without the support I've received here.
This has become my journal of sorts and I hope it's something I can look back on in time to see how far I've come.
I also hope it helps to document the truth of my situation for the future and perhaps, if read by others, will offer help and hope to them too.

Been thinking of you today onit, my sister sat me down to tell me her and her husband are getting divorced. She says they have 'grown apart' over the years, I did try to probe her but she said it's nothing she wants to get into right now.

I cried on my way home! Had to pull over and everything because I couldn't see properly! My BIL (to my knowledge) is a lovely guy, been in my life since I was 3 years old and is really just like my older brother.

My thoughts immediately went back to you as they have 2 DC too. DD(9) who is with them as a long term foster placement, been with them since she was 2 and will be with them till she's 18. Then a DS(15) who is my DN, he lives with them under special guardianship as mine and Dsis's older Dsis passed away when he was 4.
Goodness me, this is all so draining and upsetting and it isn't even happening to me. You are ALL amazing and so strong.
Sorry to hijack a little! Just feeling very emotional tonight. Hope everyone is well and setting in to 2017 nicely

nigel how are you?
I've been postponing but I need to sit with the bastard letter and go through it point by point.
I'll phone the lawyer tomorrow for an appointment next week.

Took my Christmas tree down today my living room needs scrubbed down and hoovered to make it habitable. Funny how all the decorations hide the dust and grottiness

On a positive note, counselling wasn't traumatic on Monday. I got Dd a new wardrobe last week and went for one for my room today. Not tackling anything more downstairs till the boiler gets done which should be fairly soon. Should hear by the end of the month.
Hopefully the house is starting to come together a bit.
Ds had a bit of a tantrum about his sister having a bigger room than him. He was tired. So was I. He cried and so did I. I told him if I could give him a bigger room I would but I can't. He wanted to go back to our old house. I said, even if we could go back, the house was too big for us. That's when I started crying a little because he then asked why did daddy leave?
I said he'd have to ask daddy that. He eventually apologised for demanding stuff which made me cry more because I know what a decent boy he is and I hate that I'll never be able to provide more than I am.

They've also been talking a lot about the ow and using the word stepmum. They talk about LCB and ow getting married. I just said that they're both married to other people and they need to change that before they can marry as you're not allowed to be married to 2 people at the same time.

Dd asked if I knew ow and was she my friend. I said I knew her but she wasn't my friend. When she asked why, I said she had done something which wasn't very nice and hurt me a lot.

They also said they want me to get married so they can have a stepdad.

Life is so simple for dcs. I'm happy they're essentially oblivious but this is so hard. I'm so scared of saying the wrong thing.

I can't remember their ages Onit, but I think you have been exceedingly restrained with what you tell DCs. You are certainly a better person than I am.
Hows the job going ?

They also said they want me to get married so they can have a stepdad.

That's so sweet. The innocence of children.

Don't let this put you off men for life.

I've just had a hurry up letter from his solicitor to mine.

I hadn't contacted my solicitor since the letter I got just before Christmas. Though I have now asked for an appointment.

I replied to my lawyer stating I felt I'd been coerced into agreeing mediation as I wanted to protect my kids who were in his care. And that I hadn't made contact with a mediator as I felt there was no gain for me or the kids by doing so.

Why can't he just fuck off and leave us in peace

The dc are 5 and 7 mix. And I had holidays to take so I have another couple of weeks respite.

Oops, sorry, forgot that... I agree nothing in it to be gained from going to Mediator. He will attempt to manipulate.
You already have an agreement/contact. (that has been paid for) What does he want to change?

He still wants 50/50 contact.
He's arguing about money still. That I took too much furniture. That he gave me extra during the summer holidays for going away and now he wants it back.
This man earns nearly 10 times my salary!!
In a few months I'll be handing over a cheque to him for £40k and I'll probably be in debt over that for the rest of my life.
He has an affair and leaves me in shit up to my neck with no discernible way to get back what I lost by marrying him and having dc with him, and he walks away with a younger model and the time and freedom to enjoy being single, a small dent in his monthly salary, the ability to buy a house 3 times the value of mine, the prospect of retiring at 55, and yet he still feels it necessary to punish me; presumably for restricting access to his dc, and for being stronger and smarter (thanks to many of you) than he thought I would be. For kicking him out. For refusing to be a doormat and just agree to everything that he said.
I have never felt hatred like this. I'm scared that I do. I want him to suffer death by a billion papercuts, or be stung to death by wasps, or, worse; I want him to contract a chronic illness like mine and have his ow leave him, lose his job, and his home, and his self respect and wither away a very sad, lonely man in constant pain with a massive ball of guilt and regret which haunts his every moment Day and night till he dies a very, very old man.

And I will visit him regularly and laugh my fucking ass off

This man earns nearly 10 times my salary!!
In a few months I'll be handing over a cheque to him for £40k and I'll probably be in debt over that for the rest of my life.
He has an affair and leaves me in shit up to my neck with no discernible way to get back what I lost by marrying him and having dc with him, and he walks away with a younger model and the time and freedom to enjoy being single, a small dent in his monthly salary, the ability to buy a house 3 times the value of mine, the prospect of retiring at 55, and yet he still feels it necessary to punish me^

Onit, this is all you need to say to a mediator/judge/him

If I said it to him I think it would spur him on to do much, much more.

I'm so scared of antagonising him now. I'm terrified of losing my dc to him more than I already have.
He's never going to give up and has the money to keep this up till long after I'm in the poor house.

Op, that sentence to a mediator/judge/his solicitor/him is all is needed.
If that's not enough to shame him, nothing will.

I hear you onit.
Sometimes I fee so ragey towards the people in my situation that I don't know what to do with myself.
All you can do it try and channel it into something positive.
He's a cheeky fuck sending a 'hurry up' letter

If only it was possible to shame him pooface
I fear he has proved time after time that he has no compassion or empathy. I doubt he's ashamed of anything he's done. If he had any feelings at all he would have accepted that I would be hurt and angry and sucked up the consequences of that. He would not have put the blame for his choices on me and made my life as difficult and stressful as possible.

I truly believe he is incapable of feeling anything for anyone other than himself. His dc included.

How are you nigel?
Did you get an appointment with your solicitor?

No need to ring her still. Have been quite poorly this week and busy at work and just couldn't bring myself to do it as I know it's now going to be the start of things getting (even more) nasty.
Will ring her tomorrow as I know it needs to happen. Also get paid this week so that will help! Potless until then!

I'm so scared of antagonising him now. I'm terrified of losing my dc to him more than I already have. He's never going to give up and has the money to keep this up till long after I'm in the poor house

Onit with the type of men we've both been married to you just have to feel the fear and do it anyway.

And yes, I know it's terrifying but you will eventually see how ridiculous he is as his unique thought process makes him look like the arse he is. You see they can't cope with bravery and honesty and goodness in another person and rather than put a halt to their shenanigans they end up looking stupid. Ok, you might pay a certain price for that but at the end of the day what it says about you is very different to what it says about him.

Nigel, I hope you feel better soon xx

Feel better soon nigel

He texted to say he has his mediation appointment tomorrow and should he go or cancel it.

I'm not entirely sure how to answer it.
I've replied to my solicitor regarding it so feel disinclined to reply to him directly.
He asked first if I had made an appointment myself and I just said no.

I have counselling tomorrow and lawyer on Tuesday. I still can't bring myself to read his letter in detail but I'll need to before Tuesday's appointment.
Busy week ahead and more stress I'm sure. I do have a couple of nights away at the weekend but I'm not sure how that's going to go as it's the same annual group thing that we went on last year where LCB and ow starred their affair.
Obviously they're not going to be there but they'll be notably absent. And the group are lovely but at least a couple of them are, I think, still in contact with one or both of them.

And Saturday is the anniversary of my dad dying. 3 years.

Didn't want to read and run to your last comment. You are doing so so well. I really admire you as I have no idea how you keep it together. I cry every night and hardly sleep after everything I'm going through with my X - similar scenario to you, left because he "didn't love me anymore", turns out he fallen for someone at work. Life is cruel isn't it. Sorry to hear about your dad, I'm sure he is looking over you giving you the strength you have. Every day is a struggle isn't it and you just think the men get the simple life with their new woman. Hope counselling goes okay - I really do need to arrange some but don't know if it will actually help.

Over, you do things at your own pace, You don't have to jump when he says Jump. wait till you have seen councillor/sol.If mediation isn't for you, (not advised with manipulative man) then you don't go. You can (apparently) go at other times, & not see him face to face. If you did this, it would show you were at least cooperative with the "process" & if he decides to take it further, I am convinced he would lose. or is this what you are supposed to be doing ? if you are going, then maybe before you go back to work would be easier ?
Re the w/e..... It's a hard one. I think you go & be yourself, Most people don't want to get involved in other peoples messy divorces, they will all have an opinion/thoughts, but I would try to avoid talking about it/him/them. People will admire the fact that you take the high ground. If someone says "oh this must be hard for you" just reply. "I'm glad I still have you guys", or something innocuous, & change the subject.
It won't be easy.

Sorry, that is incomprehensible !

I think with mediation you have to have an appointment on your own before you have one together anyway-or that's what we had to do.
What he does is up to him isn't it? So if he has his appointment today then you can have yours at a time that suits you-or not at all as you see fit.
With re the weekend-it will be hard. I struggle with seeing friends that are still his friends-logically I know it's not a slight against me that they still see him-emotionally I feel it keenly.Im hoping that will fade. What keeps me seeing them is that I refuse to cut myself off entirely from the life I had before.He has already taken enough from me.And if then remove myself form further social situations then he really will have won. So my advice would be to try and go-but I do get how weird and difficult a situation it is.

Right.im going to call the solicitor now and then it's done.Thankyou for thinking of me onit and Mrs P-sorry onit I don't mean to keep hijacking your thread!

just do it nigel !!!

nigel did you call yet?

I have scribbled a response to most of the points raised in his letter.

I may at least call mediation to see what they would advise wrt entering the process with an abusive and manipulative ex partner. Do they have people trained to deal with people like him?

I was suggesting mediation a long time ago before he started openly threatening me and before I realised that he's been doing stuff like this to me all these years.
I'm actually grateful he didn't want to do it then because I'm sure I'd be in a much weaker position now if I had. Not that I feel in a particularly strong position.

I find it laughable that he is complaining about me changing my mind over things I agreed to in the week or 2 after he left.

When I was divorcing (and had been forced to start court proceedings re settlement as Ex would not do financial disclosure to my Shit Hot Lawyer), said SHL said courts would expect us to try mediation. Mediator wrote to each of us individually, inviting each to make an individual appt for initial assessment, it cost (or would have cost) each of us £100 for this assessment appt..

It's my understanding that mediator can sign it off as unsuitable case for mediation, based on possible abuse by other party discussed at assessment.

(In my case, I made an appt, and went to it. Appt was 3 weeks after initial invitation letters were sent by mediator; as Ex had not even contacted them by phone in those 3 weeks, mediator signed it straight back to sol/court.)

Yes silvery I think they said we had to try it too.
And the initial appointment was 150 quid each.
I did-seeing lawyer next Tuesday. Ex has obviously seen his however as he emailed me last night to say he would agree to all my 'demands'. (Read a slightly fairer split of assets than what he had proposed).Im assuming that's more to do with the fact that he has been advised that he's not getting a bad deal and should take it, rather than a sudden attack of conscience.
So I'm quietly a bit more optimistic...but not counting on anything just yet.