Should my boy be talking to his baby mum that way??

[user1479224526]

My boyfriend is having REAL issues with his baby mum. They broke up when she was pregnant and it's been nothing but messy since. First no contact, then screaming and shouting, now he sees the baby monthly but with no formal agreements in place and she controls the lot.

They text each other all the time, she is either screaming and shouting at him, arranging him seeing the baby or saying how she still loves him and so desperately wants him back.

He doesn't defend his reasons for leaving. He lets her scream at him. He lets her call me all names under the sun (by ignoring it). But I looked at his phone tonight after finding last week that he'd deleted his messages from her. He was mostly ok, but at one point he said "I love you with all my heart" (as a defence to her saying she never loved him). He also said when he next saw the baby he wanted to have 1 day where they pretend to be a family. She referred to her son and him as "my boys" and he said "we are". I get that he's trying not to upset her, especially as he wants to talk to her about going to court soon, but wtf?! Apart from the fact that he's handling the baby situ all wrong, should I really put up with this? Constant messaging, him not defending himself or me, saying all the things which lead her on? I feel disrespected and like I'm being lied to, having to share him with his ex.

Do I continue to push him to do things formally and hope the messaging stops, or shall I get the hell out if he behaves like that towards her secretly?

I'm going to delete my account from MN now so I can't be tempted to engage in this anymore. Thank you to those who tried to understand and gave some good advice, I've taken all of it onboard as a lot of it was very helpful.

I won't be coming back to MN in future though, I've spent much of this week very upset about the situation I'm in and I really didn't need an extra battering over how I write. I don't associate with judgemental people in my life so I won't here either.

OP, I got a right kicking when I first posted here. I changed my user name and came back. Because the good outweighed the bad. It may not for you, and that's your choice.

This place is no-nonsense and can be brutal at times but I far prefer it to the fluffy passive-aggressive bullshit on other sites.

The reason people think he is a bastard is because he is behaving like one.

You sound like a loving supportive girlfriend OP. But I do think you have been manipulated somewhat. There are a lot of holes in his story that don't add up and make me think he's had more of a hand in this situation than you know about.

Why was he having unprotected sex with her knowing the relationship was bad? The responsibility for contraception is on both of them not just her, which makes me think things weren't that bad.

When he found out why didn't contact child support agency to set up regular payments rather than the receipt business. She cannot refuse a direct debit straight into her account.

If he thinks she is unstable then why is he emotionally manipulating her, seems cruel to me. You refer to her aso unstable but he is adding to this. Being desperate to see his son doesn't justify that sort of behaviour and is just cruel. Doesn't show him in a very good light.

You really don't know how or why the relationship ended, you only have his word for it. She may have a very different story to tell.

I think you currently doing the 'pick me' dance which makes you lap up everything he says with his spin on it.

This relationship will not get any better, she will always be a fixture in his life. Is he really worth putting up with that for the next 20 years?

Two things op if you haven't already flounced.

1. I'm mixed race and was brought up in the Caribbean community and I cannot begin to tell you how much I hate the use of the word "babymum" I find it demeans me and the relationship I had with my children's father and the fact that they were born out of love not just a random shag.
   I have had arguments with my ex as I saw that his gf had changed my name to "bm" in his phone, because apparently "that is all I am"😡 If you respect your partners ex please do not use that term again.

2. Get out, get out now! He's cheating on you yet you cannot see it as you are blinded by your love for him. There is no way on earth that any man who truly loves you would be texting his ex saying "he wants them to be a family"
   Believe me I've been there, my ex would come round telling me he loves me and wants to be with me, we would end up having sex and he would leave and go home to his gf, telling her I was a crazy 'babymother' who was jealous of her and wanted him back.
   The last straw came after he told me he wanted to spend the day with me and our dcs then changed his mind, I got upset and he punched me in the mouth.
   So as much as you care about him his ex and his child will always be in his life and if he goes to court he will more than likely gain more access which means more contact with his ex.

Good luck whatever you decide.

OP I also fell foul of it when I first joined about 7 years, and many name changes, ago.

It upset me, until I read and educated myself and realised that everyone was right.

Don't go.

Mumsnet is harsh- nothing like Netmums . But it's these people on here OP that made me leave my abusive ex of 8 years for good. It's been a year and I'm so happy and in hindsight they were absolutely right !

mynameismummy 100% agree with you!!

Baby mum

I was in a similar situation to you around the same age (not that age is relevant here). My (now ex) BF and I had been together a few months when his ex said she was pregnant. They'd been split up a while but had a one night thing. There was loads of drama before she had the baby, including her pretending to have had an abortion. It was very similar to you in that she continually called, messaged etc wanting him back. I almost think she had the baby in t h hope it would bring them back together. Later, Knowing she had his baby he would switch between awfully arguing with her, and being nice as pie. The times he had access to the child was purely on her terms. Her priority wasn't the child or him seeing it, it was he getting him back. He did go to court in the end and unfortunately got nowhere. Anyway, this is a long winded way of saying call it a Day. Having been there it just doesn't get better. Maybe be there for your boyfriend as a friend until all this is resolved? Have a break from each other and when it's done revisit and see how u both feel. Whatever u decide to do, good luck, and ignore the petty comments on here! Hugs.x

notgivingin

@user1479224526

Sorry for poor terminology I am not a regular mumsnet user I just came here for help

Ignore everyone taking the piss out of you for saying "baby mum" people who don't understand that obviously have no brain cells Either that or they are about 50 year old trying to slate you just because you may be young in their eyes

Zombie thread!