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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Should my boy be talking to his baby mum that way??

212 replies

user1479224526 · 22/11/2016 02:31

My boyfriend is having REAL issues with his baby mum. They broke up when she was pregnant and it's been nothing but messy since. First no contact, then screaming and shouting, now he sees the baby monthly but with no formal agreements in place and she controls the lot.

They text each other all the time, she is either screaming and shouting at him, arranging him seeing the baby or saying how she still loves him and so desperately wants him back.

He doesn't defend his reasons for leaving. He lets her scream at him. He lets her call me all names under the sun (by ignoring it). But I looked at his phone tonight after finding last week that he'd deleted his messages from her. He was mostly ok, but at one point he said "I love you with all my heart" (as a defence to her saying she never loved him). He also said when he next saw the baby he wanted to have 1 day where they pretend to be a family. She referred to her son and him as "my boys" and he said "we are". I get that he's trying not to upset her, especially as he wants to talk to her about going to court soon, but wtf?! Apart from the fact that he's handling the baby situ all wrong, should I really put up with this? Constant messaging, him not defending himself or me, saying all the things which lead her on? I feel disrespected and like I'm being lied to, having to share him with his ex.

Do I continue to push him to do things formally and hope the messaging stops, or shall I get the hell out if he behaves like that towards her secretly?

OP posts:
qumquat · 22/11/2016 16:25

Oops. Misogynist.

Original poster
user1479224526 · 22/11/2016 16:40

Can I point out that I am also a woman and have respect for this woman and never meant to be misogynistic. That would imply that I am prejudiced against women. I gave the mother of his baby the name "baby mum" because it describes who she is in this situation. Perhaps if I'd used an apostrophe this whole thing wouldn't have happened. But let's be clear, you might not like the phrase and you may never use it (I sure never will again) but can you just get over it and take it within the correct context? This is completely ridiculous.

She is the mother of the baby. That's all I meant. Please - just stop!

This whole terminology thing has put me off coming to MN again when I have a problem. Thank you to those who contributed relevant responses, but the rest of you have really let this site down.

OP posts:
RedMapleLeaf · 22/11/2016 16:47

I gave the mother of his baby the name "baby mum" because it describes who she is in this situation.

I think that the whole point is that no, it's not who she is, and that's why it's misogynistic and offensive.

amazingamy09 · 22/11/2016 16:47

He sounds like he's still involved with her - I would run fast.

Original poster
user1479224526 · 22/11/2016 16:56

Who is she then?

OP posts:
Original poster
user1479224526 · 22/11/2016 16:57

You seem to know her better?

OP posts:
Original poster
user1479224526 · 22/11/2016 17:00

Or is it not offensive if I also say "strong independent woman capable of all the same things as men who also gave birth to my partners/other halfs/DP's son who btw isn't actually legally classed as the father so effectively those child is without parent"

Would that be more PC?

OP posts:
SlottedSpoon · 22/11/2016 17:01

She is the mother of his child and his ex partner. To call her a baby mum reduces her to the status of a breeding heifer.

Original poster
user1479224526 · 22/11/2016 17:03

Ok fine. I apologise for my lack of political correctness. I'm done with this now. Thanks for kicking me while down folks. Oh wait not folks. Mothers of children + others.

OP posts:
BratFarrarsPony · 22/11/2016 17:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Ragwort · 22/11/2016 17:10

Regardless of whatever terminology you are using who really wants to be with a man who has a 6 month old baby with another woman? Hmm. It is far too early for him to have 'moved on' and begun a new, committed relationship.

Just leave him.

irishe · 22/11/2016 17:21

This is mumsnet at its worst. Arguing over words when the OP has explained herself several times and asked for it to stop. Really poor, shameful in fact.

Simonneilsbeard · 22/11/2016 17:26

The Op left. Who can blame her. What an utter shit show of a thread.
Unadulterated snobbery at its finest.

MrsHam13 · 22/11/2016 17:31

Brat, what an ironic statement.

Oh, if I were you I'd end it. Yes he's trying to keep her on side. However he really didn't need to come out with how much he loved her did he? Sounds like my husband. We split up for two years when we were much much younger and not married (my choice) and he was in another relationship and would tell me how much he loved me etc. Doubt his ex would even have him back, especially when she said she doesn't love him. Maybe the tables have turned.

Rosyglow74 · 22/11/2016 17:38

It is becoming an almost daily occurrence for posters, upset and seeking help, to leave a thread even more upset than before. It is so not what Mumsnet is about.

Anyone who feels they have the right to rip into someone in distress, because they are using terminology they don't approve off, whilst totally ignoring said distress, should take a long hard look at why they are posting in the first place.

Minivaperviper · 22/11/2016 17:42

What a stupid roasting over your terminologies op, I did Hmm at it but nothing to get het up about Imo.

Other than that op your dp is atleast a coward or at worst playing you both for his own gain.

I'd flip a lid and get shot of man manipulating his ex''s feeling's like that.
There are more adult ways to gain access to dc which aren't the most pleasant when things aren't amicable but is more mature and is shorter lived than this unsustainable farce that he is carrying on with.

Think of yourself op he isn't giving you all the respect and love you deserve and even less to his ex, at least take a break from him so he can fix his problems and maybe you will get a better view of situation.

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 22/11/2016 17:52

Shame on the lot of you for the twatty obsession with lingo. The OP is confused and upset and you pick her phrasing apart. How considerate. I'm so furious with repeatedly seeing this crap on here. Mumsnet should be a site where anyone and everyone can ask for help, but I've seen this shit far too often lately.

OP, you know you need to leave this manipulative idiot. I'm sorry you asked for advice and have been made to feel even lower than you probably already did.

DanceMeToTheEndOfLove · 22/11/2016 18:10

I did also Hmm at the language.

I think that it's a fine line to draw between challenging reductionist and misogynistic language and allowing this to get in the way of supporting someone in need.

Women have a responsibility to challenge language like this when it is used. It's especially frustrating when it's other women using it.

The OP shouldn't be referring to another woman in this manner especially when, as is usually the case, it is the man at fault and not the woman who is raising a child single handedly.

It was unfortunate that this got in the way of the OP feeling supported in this case.

I think she has probably received enough useful advice for her to know what to do now.

DragonNoodleCake · 22/11/2016 18:46

Exactly what Bogeyface said

SanitysSake · 22/11/2016 19:27

Crikey! No one ever heard of 'Ebonics'?

Phrases within the vernacular have become common parlance - colloquialisms if you will - all over the world; irrespective of race, colour or creed- for decades.

As you might have terms which are specifically regional to you for certain items, actions and behaviours- so do others.

If not understood - a simple query for clarification surely would have sufficed?

Methinks, however, that the terms were fully understood on first sight, but they were just being derided...

What a shame...

MNHQ
ClaraMumsnet · 22/11/2016 19:31

Evening all. Just popping in to remind everyone that we're here to give support. We can see the term the OP used has caused some upset, but she's explained she meant no offence, and apologised, so can we get the thread back on track please?

BratFarrarsPony · 22/11/2016 19:34

yes I apologise for being a twat about it.

SpecialStains · 22/11/2016 19:39

Why the fuck were you going through the messages of your son who is old enough to have his own child?

Also, presuming 'baby mum' = mother of his child

Ellarose85 · 22/11/2016 19:41

Hi OP,

I was in a similar position with a man I was seeing a few years ago, his kids were slightly older (1&2) He was saying the same thing to her and to me as your DP is you. To begin with I thought it was good of him to want to spend as much time as possible with his kids and have family time with the kids mum involved too, turns out he was still sleeping with her and telling her that we were just friends.

I ran a mile and never looked back!

SpecialStains · 22/11/2016 19:42

Sorry, misread your post. Ignore my previous message. Dump the boyfriend, you can do better.