Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Should my boy be talking to his baby mum that way??

212 replies

user1479224526 · 22/11/2016 02:31

My boyfriend is having REAL issues with his baby mum. They broke up when she was pregnant and it's been nothing but messy since. First no contact, then screaming and shouting, now he sees the baby monthly but with no formal agreements in place and she controls the lot.

They text each other all the time, she is either screaming and shouting at him, arranging him seeing the baby or saying how she still loves him and so desperately wants him back.

He doesn't defend his reasons for leaving. He lets her scream at him. He lets her call me all names under the sun (by ignoring it). But I looked at his phone tonight after finding last week that he'd deleted his messages from her. He was mostly ok, but at one point he said "I love you with all my heart" (as a defence to her saying she never loved him). He also said when he next saw the baby he wanted to have 1 day where they pretend to be a family. She referred to her son and him as "my boys" and he said "we are". I get that he's trying not to upset her, especially as he wants to talk to her about going to court soon, but wtf?! Apart from the fact that he's handling the baby situ all wrong, should I really put up with this? Constant messaging, him not defending himself or me, saying all the things which lead her on? I feel disrespected and like I'm being lied to, having to share him with his ex.

Do I continue to push him to do things formally and hope the messaging stops, or shall I get the hell out if he behaves like that towards her secretly?

OP posts:
User7o873 · 22/11/2016 14:48

"Baby mum means a mum who is a baby"

Right... Well, that's your (slightly demented) interpretation of it. I'm sure a lot of people managed to figure out what OP meant.

bigbuttons · 22/11/2016 14:52

......bit like a blue dog is a dog that is blue. A red hat is a hat that is red. A Baby girl is a girl that is also a baby and so on and so forth.

RedMapleLeaf · 22/11/2016 14:57

OP what do you think about the term "baby mum" as used in this context (you, your boyfriend and his ex)?

corythatwas · 22/11/2016 15:00

Ah, bigbuttons, but a trouser button is not a button that is also a trouser. A bus conductor is not a conductor who is also a bus. A stomach ache is not an ache that is also a stomach. Those are far closer parallels, because, like baby mum, they are noun + noun formations which basically amount to a compound word (and in other Germanic languages would be written as one word). Germanic phrase formation is an interesting thing and far more complex than you suggest.

As for the derogative or not associations of the word, surely that depends on the OP's cultural background? Isn't it a fairly normal word in the Caribbean community?

kilmuir · 22/11/2016 15:00

He needs to go to court.

User7o873 · 22/11/2016 15:01

Oh right. So like a dog trainer is a trainer that is a dog? I get it now. It's great that English is a language that's so regular.

User7o873 · 22/11/2016 15:03

Cory, you said it much better than I did.

SlottedSpoon · 22/11/2016 15:05

Baby Mum ? Seriously?

I don't think I can read any further.

emilybrontescorset · 22/11/2016 15:06

Is this a story line from East Enders?

Or an episode of Jeremy Kyle?

Simonneilsbeard · 22/11/2016 15:09

This thread has become fucking ridiculous and judgemental! There's no need.
Playground bullshit.

corythatwas · 22/11/2016 15:11

From the Dictionary of Caribbean English Usage:

"Baby mother: an unmarried mother, usu. with a recognised relationship with the baby's father. "

Took me all of 30 seconds googling, that did. Could those of you who are unable to read further explain exactly what it is about the possibility of a MNer having Caribbean roots that gives you a touch of the vapours? This is a great website. But there are days when I am completely taken aback by its snobbishness.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/11/2016 15:25

He's starting the process of going through the courts today because this has been a revealing kick in the face for him. Great news for the baby, what I'll do I don't know. It is. Hopefully, although I don't wish this bloke on anyone, it's possible your relationship was a catalyst in him trying to make a formal relationship with his son.

Now, try to get rid and either be happy alone or find someone less attached.

Me, I'm from Saaf Laandon originally and have been hearing 'baby mama' for more than 2 decades. Language changes through usage. I don't like it because I think it reduces women but OP says she just uses her name normally so whatever. Innit.

bigbuttons · 22/11/2016 15:27

Cory, I am not Caribbean and so would not use that terminology, nor would anyone I know, so it's hardly useful to imply that I should. I didn't see baby used in this context as a compound noun but as an adjective.
But we agree that Germanic phrase formation is indeed a very interesting topic.

RedMapleLeaf · 22/11/2016 15:35

what it is about the possibility of a MNer having Caribbean roots that gives you a touch of the vapours?

For some posters I'm guessing it's more to do with what an offensive, misogynistic term that's the problem rather than them just wanting all MN posters to be white Hmm

corythatwas · 22/11/2016 15:40

bigbuttons, I am not saying that you should use the terminology yourself. I am saying that you should have the awareness that vocabulary choice is partly a cultural thing and maybe make the effort of 30 seconds googling before you criticise other people's vocabulary choices. For the record, I have never heard the word used in RL either, but I have the basic intelligence to work out that if people use words I have never heard, that doesn't necessarily mean they are wrong. At least I can check before I make my mind up on that score. Or if I don't want to check, then I can refrain from telling them that they are wrong. It would be a pity if MN gave off the signals that we only offer advice to people who speak exactly like us.

Sorry for derailment, OP. But absolutely agree that you can do much, much better for yourself.

Inthenick · 22/11/2016 15:41

OP it sounds like a mess. I think you need to be clear to your DP that him playing couples with her is unacceptable to you and misleading to her, even if he only does it in a desperate attempt to keep his foot in the door and see his child. Their relationship sounds very unhealthy but it sounds like she is possibly using the child to pull his strings leaving him scared she'll block contact, not an unusual situation at all unfortunately.

He needs to set some boundaries with her and go to court to get proper access set up.

What you do is up to you. Not many people are good at getting out of this sort of cycle with an ex.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 22/11/2016 15:41

Mumsnet at its most cuntish.

I'm from deepest Lancashire and I know what a baby mama is. I also know it's a term likely to be used by Black British people or young Londoners. And if the OP wants to call her man her "boy" then it's up to her. It is quite possible to make a baby with someone without ever being in enough of a relationship for them to be referred to as an ex.

OP, if your man is paying maintenance, then that's a big point in his favour I think. It takes two to make a baby, if I had (God forbid) accidentally got pregnant by some of the people I have had brief relationships with, well then I probably wouldn't have seen the pregnancy as a reason to play happy families with them for the rest of my life either. No reason why your DP should. And yes I tell my grown up kids not to sleep with anyone you wouldn't be happy to raise a child with because contraception is not 100%. But in reality who does that?

So OP in your position I would be telling him to keep it all formal and take it through the courts. And stop lying to her. Of course if she is a total psycho who is likely to simply ignore any court orders and cause trouble, then he has problems. I still think he needs to play it straight though.

Newstome · 22/11/2016 15:52

People are such assholes on this thread.
Fucking racists.

Newstome · 22/11/2016 15:55

Bigbuttons just because you use big words doesn't make you superior and clever. It makes you come across as a racist and a bigot.

bigbuttons · 22/11/2016 16:03

I haven't used any big words.

Original poster
user1479224526 · 22/11/2016 16:03

Thank you for some of the recent sensible posts about the actual subject. InTheNick you seem to have understood the problem well.

For everyone else still talking about words, please can you just go away now? You aren't helping anyone

OP posts:
bigbuttons · 22/11/2016 16:03

and who the hell has been racist on this thread?

Newstome · 22/11/2016 16:06

Actually bigbuttons you don't need to.
Your ignorance is palpable. On that note, am going to report you and everyone else on this thread who came across as racist.
As a non white person, I felt very offended on this thread and am pretty sure MN isn't about racism.

bigbuttons · 22/11/2016 16:23

I'll ask the questions again. Where is the racism on this thread? Did I use big words or not? Your posts are a bit 'odd'.

qumquat · 22/11/2016 16:24

I think 'baby mum' is a mysoginist term and that's why I don't like it.

OP I hope things get better but I'm with the people who say get out now...