Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Should my boy be talking to his baby mum that way??

212 replies

user1479224526 · 22/11/2016 02:31

My boyfriend is having REAL issues with his baby mum. They broke up when she was pregnant and it's been nothing but messy since. First no contact, then screaming and shouting, now he sees the baby monthly but with no formal agreements in place and she controls the lot.

They text each other all the time, she is either screaming and shouting at him, arranging him seeing the baby or saying how she still loves him and so desperately wants him back.

He doesn't defend his reasons for leaving. He lets her scream at him. He lets her call me all names under the sun (by ignoring it). But I looked at his phone tonight after finding last week that he'd deleted his messages from her. He was mostly ok, but at one point he said "I love you with all my heart" (as a defence to her saying she never loved him). He also said when he next saw the baby he wanted to have 1 day where they pretend to be a family. She referred to her son and him as "my boys" and he said "we are". I get that he's trying not to upset her, especially as he wants to talk to her about going to court soon, but wtf?! Apart from the fact that he's handling the baby situ all wrong, should I really put up with this? Constant messaging, him not defending himself or me, saying all the things which lead her on? I feel disrespected and like I'm being lied to, having to share him with his ex.

Do I continue to push him to do things formally and hope the messaging stops, or shall I get the hell out if he behaves like that towards her secretly?

OP posts:
LouisvilleLlama · 22/11/2016 19:43

Another thread derailed because an OP dared to use their everyday language not standardised Mumsnet... I mean sups was semi funny but also sad but it's a shame people can't get help because of how they speak

IYonicAllAndIYonicNow · 22/11/2016 19:45

"Why the fuck were you going through the messages of your son who is old enough to have his own child?"

Stains

It's the OP's boyfriend, not son

IYonicAllAndIYonicNow · 22/11/2016 19:46

X post stains

Moogletea · 22/11/2016 19:51

Who cares about the terminology. The OP is asking for advice on a situation not asking for the grammar police to correct her

And for the record OP I'd really be considering whether this was a healthy relationship for me - based on a very basic review I think I'd be on the calling it quits page

notgivingin789 · 22/11/2016 19:55

Baby mum --- seriously? You need to get that language rinsed out of your mouth. My ex use to call me that and I hated it !!!

NotTheFordType · 22/11/2016 19:56

Sorry OP, you have just experienced the MN white middle class liberal frenzy at its best.

So he's not a dealer, phew, at least he's not the guy I was thinking of who had a 30 minute shouted argument with his baby mama (as named by him) over the phone while we were supposed to be in a 1hr booking.

His bullshit phone messages are bullshit. He's playing both of you. I would wash your hands of this now.

I'm betting if he did get a court order for visitation, he'd be expecting you to look after his child...

Ellarose85 · 22/11/2016 19:59

People seriously need to get over the "baby Mum" thing. OP came here for advice and she has probably left this thread feeling worse off. I wouldn't blame her if she never returned to Mumsnet again!

IYonicAllAndIYonicNow · 22/11/2016 19:59

Notgivingin

Read a few posts other than the OP before posting, you'll see MNHQ have asked for posts like yours to stop.

notgivingin789 · 22/11/2016 20:00

"Baby mum" around here is used derogatory.... it's mostly used by hood boys.

QueenLaBeefah · 22/11/2016 20:06

There are 3.5 billion men on the planet - why on earth have you saddled yourself with this arse?

The reality is he isn't over her and the whole situation is a chaotic, dramatic mess and He seems to be enjoying playing you off against each other.

A relationship is supposed to be fun and, for the most part, enjoyable. It shouldn't be a never ending uneasy feeling in the pit of your stomach.

notgivingin789 · 22/11/2016 20:08

I'm not white Ford Hmm

RedMapleLeaf · 22/11/2016 22:19

I'm not white either, and I will challenge the use of the term "baby mum" and similar, not least because I think it is misogynistic and can see the damage it causes to women and children of my community.

DanceMeToTheEndOfLove pretty much summed it up to me on the previous page. I think language is important and we should challenge the use of words that are homophobic, racist, disablist etc.

Original poster
user1479224526 · 22/11/2016 23:26

Aside from the terminology thing, I am also a little disappointed that only 1 or 2 of you said talk to him. Most people said dump him. I was hoping to come away with a really balanced view but I feel as though I've mainly had advice from people who automatically assume he is a bastard and say dump him, like you can just push a broken, desperate man who's desperate to be a father and a boyfriend out onto the street. In reality, isnt this also quite sexist?

A man isn't handling a situation well, he's been blocked from seeing his child and had been acting foolishly to try and be a father, so, dump the bastard. I know it will sound like I'm in denial to most of you but trust me I'm not, I just hoped for a more balanced view.

OP posts:
DanceMeToTheEndOfLove · 23/11/2016 00:04

I think the problem is that by describing his ex as 'baby mum' you've diminished their relationship into a casual fuck that resulted in a child. Even people who have defended the use of the term have responded accordingly, which is why there is such hostility towards him. That's the very reason why the use of language is so important. People reading on here have very little to go on other than what you/the poster provides. Once people have an impression of the people and situation involved, it is hard to change that because first impressions are so strongly made.

But aside from that, people are advising you to walk away from him, not because he's an awful man, per se, but because there is clearly unfinished business between him and the mother of his child; whatever the nature of that unfinished business. For your own sanity and self preservation, you should walk away and let him repair and establish an effective co-parenting relationship with his child's mother so that his child isn't collateral damage in an awful situation. He needs to sort this without the distraction of a new girlfriend, and you are going to end up getting hurt if he is still sending his ex messages telling her he loves her.

Tbh, I would have walked after reading those texts. I wouldn't waste my time in trying to talk to him about it.

AnnieOnAMapleLeaf · 23/11/2016 00:11

This man is your partner?! I read "my boy" as being your son and was wondering why you were so involved with his relationship. You need to take a step back and allow him time to sort out the relationship with his ex and his child.

WickedLazy · 23/11/2016 00:19

He told her he still loved her. Run for the hills. God knows what he's told her about you, and if it was truthful or not. If they have a baby together, you can't have been in this relationship long enough for it to be worth it. His poor "baby mum", sounds like he's messing with her head (he "loves" her, but is still fucking you).

MsVTired · 23/11/2016 00:20

Baby mum is not seen as derogatory where i'm from Confused and i was raised with / around 'hood' boys. We still use phrase baby mum and baby father when speaking. Honestly Mumsnet not everyone is middle class and white!

MsVTired · 23/11/2016 00:23

Sorry OP, i think you should move on because it sounds like a lot of drama that you really don't need. They will be in each other's lives because of the baby, i know it will hurt but think you need to step away.

WickedLazy · 23/11/2016 01:03

In Northern Ireland, within a lot of working class communities at least, it's quite common to call the male in a relationship a boy, short for boyfriend e.g "I was talking to Sharon's new boy at the bus stop the other day". Although fella, other half and partner seem to be getting more common. I hear hubby a lot too. And girl for girlfriend (the mrs is also quite common, even if the couple aren't married). Although women are often refered to as girls, no matter what age they are, e.g "the girls that work in the bakery/the shop". they're all over forty.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/11/2016 01:09

He might be hurt and damaged and broken and trying... but he's also texting inappropriate things and started a new relationship very very soon after breaking up with a pregnant woman.

I'm not sure talking can fix him and that. There's a temptation to think we can fix people. He needs to sort his own shit out. And at the moment it sounds pretty bad.

Is your life as chaotic and messed as his? Because otherwise why choose a man with so much baggage?

bummymummy77 · 23/11/2016 01:35

Bunch of stuck up, narrow minded, blinkered little prats.

Op I've been in a very similar situation, twice no less, and I hate to say it but both times the guy pinballs back and forth between us.

Listen to him yes but keep in mind he may well not be being honest.

Honestly, I'd cut my losses while you can. Sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear.

And please stop responding to these bored, pearl clutching idiots that have invaded your thread. Flowers

SlottedSpoon · 23/11/2016 06:36

Op I've been in a very similar situation, twice no less, and I hate to say it but both times the guy pinballs back and forth between us.

I can well believe it. Because anyone who is quite comfortable with the concept of a Baby Mum is probably the same person who is being fucked over by someone else's Baby Daddy; some 'big man' Hmm who likes to keep a harem of loyal women for his convenience and has no real intention of showing proper commitment or respect to any of them, no matter how many of times he impregnates them.

Your poor deluded fools.

If that makes me 'culturally narrow' and a 'snobbish pearl clutcher' I'll take it without a backward glance.

MorrisZapp · 23/11/2016 06:43

Your boyfriend texts someone else to say he loves her, but you think we're sexist for thinking you need to walk away?

How very odd.

DanceMeToTheEndOfLove · 23/11/2016 07:05

Op I've been in a very similar situation, twice no less, and I hate to say it but both times the guy pinballs back and forth between us.

Twice? Confused FFS.

Yeah, I'll take being 'culturally narrow' too if the culture I'm missing out on is that which SlottedSpoon so adequately describes.

Except that I'm actually not culturally narrow at all. I just have a bit of self respect and understand things.

Although, funnily enough, bummy's advice is exactly the same as everyone else's. So will you listen to her if not to the rest of us.

ptumbi · 23/11/2016 07:34

OP - he is 'desperate to be a father'? (Your words) He has told her he is desperate to be a father, he's told you he is desperate to be a father - and you should believe him. He wants to be so involved in his child's life that he tell the mother that he still loves her, and wants to be with her.

I'd run, and let him sort it out.