Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Should my boy be talking to his baby mum that way??

212 replies

user1479224526 · 22/11/2016 02:31

My boyfriend is having REAL issues with his baby mum. They broke up when she was pregnant and it's been nothing but messy since. First no contact, then screaming and shouting, now he sees the baby monthly but with no formal agreements in place and she controls the lot.

They text each other all the time, she is either screaming and shouting at him, arranging him seeing the baby or saying how she still loves him and so desperately wants him back.

He doesn't defend his reasons for leaving. He lets her scream at him. He lets her call me all names under the sun (by ignoring it). But I looked at his phone tonight after finding last week that he'd deleted his messages from her. He was mostly ok, but at one point he said "I love you with all my heart" (as a defence to her saying she never loved him). He also said when he next saw the baby he wanted to have 1 day where they pretend to be a family. She referred to her son and him as "my boys" and he said "we are". I get that he's trying not to upset her, especially as he wants to talk to her about going to court soon, but wtf?! Apart from the fact that he's handling the baby situ all wrong, should I really put up with this? Constant messaging, him not defending himself or me, saying all the things which lead her on? I feel disrespected and like I'm being lied to, having to share him with his ex.

Do I continue to push him to do things formally and hope the messaging stops, or shall I get the hell out if he behaves like that towards her secretly?

OP posts:
Original poster
user1479224526 · 22/11/2016 03:55

Thanks everyone. Your messages are not easy for me to read, but I'm glad I did this before having to face him in the morning. Naturally, you guys don't have all the context but I suppose I am living in denial. I realised a week or so ago that unless he goes through the courts with this baby, he's not fighting for me. I told him so. Then I see this.

Ps stop guessing bits about me based on my terminology, I'm nearly 30 :)

OP posts:
ClarissaDarling · 22/11/2016 03:59

OP you are my age then, and I do not know a single one of my peers that uses the term 'baby mum'. Unless they have been watching 16 and Pregnant and using the Americanism of 'baby mama' (yes judgy pants hoiking!) hate the term!

BratFarrarsPony · 22/11/2016 04:00

People do use that term in London Clarissa...

MidniteScribbler · 22/11/2016 04:02

"my boy"?

Good grief. If you really are nearly 30, it's time to grow up.

treaclesoda · 22/11/2016 04:08

Sorry about guessing incorrectly about your age, I've just never heard the term 'my boy' used in this context before, it's not a term that's used where I'm from.

JustHereForThePooStories · 22/11/2016 04:20

Is he paying maintenance?

Does he have any other children? Do you have children?

But mainly- is he paying maintenance?

mathanxiety · 22/11/2016 04:37

What Bogeyface said.

And after you dump him, please stop thinking that situations where a man has to 'fight for you' are the ones you want to be in.

mathanxiety · 22/11/2016 04:37

Good grief - almost 30?

goddessofsmallthings · 22/11/2016 04:38

I realised a week or so ago that unless he goes through the courts with this baby, he's not fighting for me

I very much doubt that he's got any intention of spending what could amount to several thousand pounds and more on court proceedings, and every intention of endeavouring to sweet talk the mother of his child into an informal arrangement whereby he can see the infant and get his leg over with her when it suits him.

Heirhelp · 22/11/2016 04:42

You are a relatively new relationship and he is texting abother women to say he loves her with all his heart. Run! He will never never be fully yours because he wants his cake and to eat it.

This 'man' left his pregnant partner and continues to play emotional mind games with her. This is not a good man and you will be the next ex.

goddessofsmallthings · 22/11/2016 04:49

Living in London I'm aware that the term is in frequent use, Clarissa, and that every gangsta has a baby mother or three.

At 30 years old you must surely know that honourable men do not walk out on their pregnant girlfriends and take up with other women immediately, OP.

Costacoffeeplease · 22/11/2016 06:09

Run, run, run - who needs all this drama? Or is that the attraction - fighting for your boy and him fighting for you? (Shudder)

He sounds like a waste of time, for you and her, and he's strutting round like a dog with two dicks Confused

Walk away and let them get on with it

ProcrastinatingSquid2 · 22/11/2016 06:28

The OP didn't ask for advice on her terminology. I'm sure most people in real life don't constantly refer to their husband as DH or their partner as OH (usually used in rants that suggest the husband is anything but dear, or that the partner is anything but someone who completes the OP).
OP, you need to ask him about what you've seen. You need to ask yourself whether you love him, trust him and think that this situation will ever get easier bearing in mind the baby and the mum are going to be around for a long time. If he is trying to appease her, he's definitely doing it the wrong way. He sounds weak. If this is how he deals with this situation, he's possibly not someone you're going to be able to rely on to be strong and do the right thing if you're ever in a messy situation together. It isn't right for him to write stuff like this to another woman while he's with you, and if she didn't react with surprise to him suddenly announcing he loves her with all his heart, then I'd be suspicious and would think he has possibly said similar things before -while with you.

bigbuttons · 22/11/2016 06:50

I can get passed baby mum. A baby mum is a baby who has had a baby.

DanceMeToTheEndOfLove · 22/11/2016 06:52

My boy? Baby mum? Wanting him to fight for you?

And you're nearly 30?

FFS. Grow up.

TheSparrowhawk · 22/11/2016 07:02

I think you need to dump this loser and have a very serious think about why, at 30 years of age, you want to be part of a 'fight' to keep a man who isn't fit to lick your boots.

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 22/11/2016 07:03

Seriously Hmm at the people who indulged the urge to post just to have a dig about "baby mum". Hope OP is able to confidently ignore that - MN is culturally very narrow sometimes.

Viviene12 · 22/11/2016 07:10

OP 'Your boy' left his pregnant girlfriend (with whom he now wants to play 'family' wtf?!?!) and got together with you. Now he texts her to let her know that he lives her with all his heart - seriously how much more context do people need?
Run away, find someone who's emotionally available :-) good luck! You're still young, do not get yourself entangled in that mess more than you already are. Get out, get out!

Alexandriaaaa · 22/11/2016 07:10

Bow out, a la Janice and Chandler. They have a kid together.

Threesoundslikealot · 22/11/2016 07:10

OP, either he is a man who is in love with another woman while he's with you (RUN) it he's a man prepared to tell a vulnerable woman that he loves her in order to get what he wants from her (RUN). I see no stay scenario here.

AyeAmarok · 22/11/2016 07:11

A good relationship wouldn't make you feel this way.

You should aim higher for yourself.

Does he pay maintenance?

HardcoreLadyType · 22/11/2016 07:16

I know a man who recently broke up with a lovely girlfriend, because his ex wouldn't let him see their son if she was there. (He didn't leave when she was pregnant - they had lived together for some years as a family.) The girlfriend reasonably wanted more commitment, but because of his difficulties with his ex, he could not give it, because it would mean he would have problems seeing his son.

It was desperately sad for both of them, but, lets face it, your children don't ask to be born, and have to come first. He made the choice to spend time with his son, even if that means being single. Sad, but a choice I respect.

MiniAlphaBravo · 22/11/2016 07:16

Why on earth would you get together with a man who had just left his pregnant girlfriend?! If you do that you need to expect drama and stress and it's almost certainly a very bad idea. Since they are obviously still very involved you may as well walk away and let them play happy families.

VikingVolva · 22/11/2016 07:16

So if he's done so much to be a good daddy, does that include a perfect maintenance payment record (above the minimum the government will enforce through the CMS)?

And how many times has he been to court to arrange proper contact?

Why has contact been denied, and is he still fighting it?

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 22/11/2016 07:25

I actually think the terminology does matter. Because "boy" and "baby mum" and being "disresepcted" make it all sound so twee and unrealistic, as if everyone were characters on a glossy American reality TV show.

But this is a 30 year old woman in a relationship with a man (not a teenage boy) who is in a messy relationship with the mother of his child and everyone seems to be behaving like teenagers.

I feel desperately sorry for the baby who seems a bit lost in all the emotional drama and angst being played out around it.