Should my boy be talking to his baby mum that way??

[user1479224526]

My boyfriend is having REAL issues with his baby mum. They broke up when she was pregnant and it's been nothing but messy since. First no contact, then screaming and shouting, now he sees the baby monthly but with no formal agreements in place and she controls the lot.

They text each other all the time, she is either screaming and shouting at him, arranging him seeing the baby or saying how she still loves him and so desperately wants him back.

He doesn't defend his reasons for leaving. He lets her scream at him. He lets her call me all names under the sun (by ignoring it). But I looked at his phone tonight after finding last week that he'd deleted his messages from her. He was mostly ok, but at one point he said "I love you with all my heart" (as a defence to her saying she never loved him). He also said when he next saw the baby he wanted to have 1 day where they pretend to be a family. She referred to her son and him as "my boys" and he said "we are". I get that he's trying not to upset her, especially as he wants to talk to her about going to court soon, but wtf?! Apart from the fact that he's handling the baby situ all wrong, should I really put up with this? Constant messaging, him not defending himself or me, saying all the things which lead her on? I feel disrespected and like I'm being lied to, having to share him with his ex.

Do I continue to push him to do things formally and hope the messaging stops, or shall I get the hell out if he behaves like that towards her secretly?

Whatever you do, do NOT get pregnant in order to try and keep him or compete with the ex. Seen that happen way too many times and it always ends in disaster!

Onlylivingboy you are so bloody right.

I thought for a,minute your teenage son had got his teenage ex pregnant!

Anyway, confusion cleared up. I would walk away, TBH. she is insulting you and he is sending her loving texts.

'Boy' for a grown man is just as inappropriate as 'girl' for a grown woman.
And is much more grating than baby mother, which is a perfectly normal term for these situations in some communities.

Of course that there is a term shows how widespread is acceptance of many family types, which is generally a good thing. But in addition can also minimise/normalise the feckless.

Until you know about the level of maintenance he pays and how much legal advice on contact he has taken, you won't know whether he falls into the feckless category. At the moment, all you have are (easy) words, not actions.

Last off topic but, sorry OP this is shit situation. to those that are going on about us not being 'culturally aware' of the terms being used in London, be culturally awate that in the frozen north of Scotland these terms aren't known, well to my peer group and actually I've never heard it used outside USA. So please don't infer that I'm not culturally aware for not knowing every Londoneque colloquialism.

You got together with someone who left his GF when she was pg. The baby is only 6 mos old, so she'll have been doing all of the hard work, broken nights, worrying and the rest. You obviously have no clue whatsoever what its like to have a newborn.

I'd be seething if my boyfriend fucked off when I was pregnant and shacked up with another woman pretty much immediately leaving me with all of the hard work and worry and to be frank, if he's done it to her then he'd do it to you too.

baby mum and boy FFS. Next you'll be turning around, stepping up to the plate, obviously and literally.

Here's the deal. If he's a decent person - which seems pretty dubious at this point - the child will come first in his life. That means you will be second, always and it also mean that he will always have his ex in his life. Work out whether you're prepared to put up with this and walk away if you're not.

This aint Jeremy Kyle, kid. This is real life.

I have a suspicion that the OP has posted about this before, if I'm right then her boyfriend pays maintenance to his ex in cash as she's told him that a formal arrangement will affect her benefits.

I'd run to the hills OP.

You're being played.

They've got a massive connection with the baby & are tied for eternity

Blimey, I thought you were (possibly) American and about 18 (and on that awful show glamorising teen pregnancies). But clearly not.
It won't improve, cut your losses (such as they are) and run As fast as you can.

His relationship with her hasn't finished. He may not be sleeping with her but they are still emotionally 'attached' in a rather chaotic way.

It would be best for you to step away from him and leave him to sort out what he wants to do with her and his baby. I suspect in some way he is using you to upset her, hence all the screaming and shouting. Then on the other hand he tells her he still loves her.

For your own sake, walk away and leave him to sort out this relationship that never really 'ended'. You deserve much more, like a man who is totally single and not involved at all. It's not about the baby, it's about the fact that he is still emotionally involved with her. He's playing some sort of game too and that is bad news for your relatiolnship with him.

You are being used as a back up until they get back together.

There is no reason for him to be texting like that, thinking about court achieves nothing, going to court does, if he is saying all these things to placate her then what does he do when they are together to placate her?

Get out, quickly, he is playing both of you.

ignore at the keyboard warriors who are picky with words and believe everyone should be like them. There is some very good advice on here. Your boyfriend is playing you both for his own motives, therefore can't be trusted as has a preference for taking the path of least resistance rather than behaving honourably. How would YOU know if he had a problem as he's good at pretending otherwise if it suits him?

As for the keyboard warriors, I remember being jumped on when I first joined because I didn't know the unique mumsnet terminology and typed the terms I actually use. According to mumsnet I'm the scum of the earth because in reality hubby, wifey, girl and boy all feature in my life despite people may think about my age, education and position in life. I'd never say 'arks' instead of ask or 'think' instead of 'thing' for instance but of course people do and I don't make a judgement based on it, so much so that their first priority in their response is have a pop at the 'girl' who is struggling than to be kind enough to help her.

You got with a man who'd just left his pregnant girlfriend and you didn't expect 'baby mama' drama?
This kind of stuff doesn't just happen you invite it into your life when you get involved with men like that.
I think he's being a shit to both of you. Bin him off.

Hi OP, I think you should call it a day, regarding this relationship.
Sadly, there are still a lot of feelings in the air, with your boyfriend and his ex. I think you may well find, that they reunite, once you are off the scene.
Sorry, sometimes love hurts. There are better things in store for you, don't let them pass you by, waiting for this chap, to man up.

OP, ignore the comments making judgements on your age and terminology. It's clear what the situation is and who is who - I'm not sure of the point of the snipey comments and the pretending not to understand.

I feel for you OP because it sounds as though he's led you to believe this relationship is worth investing your emotions in. It seems he is struggling with dealing with his complicated situation in a mature way - being honest, keeping things flat with his ex, maintaining contact with his child without being emotionally involved with his ex, and being a decent and faithful boyfriend to you. His ex is probably all over the place emotionally and he seems to be keeping her hanging on to his every word in the hopes that he'll go back to her and create the tight family unit. Maybe she's daunted about being a single mother or maybe she never believed the relationship was truly over. It's hard to separate a relationship from co-parenting, and this is all new to all of you.

Either way, whatever their situation, you need to protect yourself. The bottom line is that those texts were leading her on and disrespectful to you. He's essentially saying that he'll always be partly with her and you'll never have the commitment that you deserve in that relationship. If I were in your position I'd walk away and leave them to it, it doesn't sound like he's a decent person anyway but that's not the point. Even if he is, he's in a mess and he needs to sort it out on his own. Leave him, let him sort out the situation with his ex, let him grow up a bit, if things are meant to be then once things have settled you'll get back together. If he goes and does something like getting back with his ex, or something really stupid like gets another girlfriend then I'd be thanking my lucky stars that I'd got out when I did. When you say you want him to fight for you I understand what you mean, but if this isn't something that he does naturally then he's never going to.

In my experience, of relationships are hard work in the sense that commitment and faithfulness can't be taken for granted then they're doomed. I worked at a relationship for 10+ years which was hard work from start to finish. I walked away in the end and although it was hard, it was the only way I found happiness. My marriage of 5 years and 2 children has been easy and peaceful, which is how things should be, I just didn't know this when I was with my ex.

Good luck OP.

Sorry OP, with all of the colloquialism/shouts of keyboard warrior we're forgetting there are real people here. I think you need to protect yourself emotionally and financially possibly here as it doesn't sound very positive- hopefuly we'll all be wrong!

This is not going to end well, OP, so you should get out now.

Im sorry OP but those messages he sent to her sound like he is still emotionally connected and as she is the mother of his baby that is natural.

I dont know the back story behind why he left her when she was pregnant but I am wondering if maybe he was scared and daunted of the responsibility of being a dad and now the baby is here he realises he wants to be involved in not only the babys life but also the mum.

If I was you I would step away from this situation. Let them work it out without a third party and then if it really is the end of the road for them it will be for the right reasons. I wonder if he hadnt met you so soon after the split, they may have worked things out.

I hate all this crap about terminology and wording. You all understood the OP, so why the fuss?

I'd be careful - very careful. My ex played myself and his new GF for far too long. Pissed off with one? Run to the other. I've done the whole "pick me" dance and it really isn't fun. Unfortunately, she will always be in his life and if he cares about you, he needs to set firm boundaries NOW. But it doesn't sound as though he's capable of that. Lose the loser.

I actually think terminology matters too. 'Baby mum' is a disrespectful way of saying 'someone my current partner/boyfriend used to shag on a very casual basis' - it's derogatory and in this case I believe clearly inaccurate. The 'boy' is emailing his ex saying he loves her with all his heart (which he might, he might not) and wants to be a family - at least face up to it that she is his ex gf.

You deserve better than this. Your relationship should enhance your life and make you happier. This clearly isn't making you happy. It probably isn't making the ex happy either and in time it will have an effect on the child.

Stepping away now will at least give you some dignity. That's got to feel better than feeling constantly insecure.

You got together with someone who left his GF when she was pg. The baby is only 6 months old, so your partner's ex will have been doing all the parenting. Your partner has seen the baby once.

He's either not over her, or too weak to stand up to her and tell her to stop texting him inappropriately.

I'd run for the hills, OP. He should be concentrating on his baby, not on a new relationship, and you will never come first with him - if he's a decent man. Get away, so you can meet someone who is more emotionally mature and ready for a relaitionship.

Thanks for your responses most of you! It's hard to explain my story in one message at 1am when I'm upset, I'll never be able to give you the whole picture so of course it's going to lead to a lot of conclusions being jumped to by some of you, but I've taken your advice on board none the less.

For those that nitpicked my terminology, I'm a grown woman with enough life experience to choose the words that I want. Judge me if you want, but those comments haven't been helpful so it's a waste of time.

I'm fully aware of the situation I got myself into and expected drama. I don't enjoy it but I love him so I've tried. my immediate reaction wasn't to think he is a scumbag because I had faith that he was going to try and do the right thing for his son and I've tried to support him with that. I only want the best for his son and it was obvious being with her wasn't it, so I didn't push him to go back to her.

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to respond. Some of your messages have really helped me to see things clearly, which is all I hoped for.

Clarissa what you have described is the very definition of culturally narrow and whilst you are saying that in your frozen part of Scotland it doesn't matter because you are a such a fantastically homogenous group, you have taken it upon yourself to comment on the terminology so I hope you can see the irony in that.

That said, I have always been aware of it as a term and have heard it applied to people close to me and I don't like it. It trivialises relationships which shouldn't be trivial in that they produce babies and suggests abdication of proper responsibilities to one's children. Again, not especially relevant to the post but worth challenging these terms if people believe them to be damaging in the long term (from the point of view of the child) which I do.

Not much left to say that hasn't been said and seems like the OP has gone now anyway, but yep, run for those hills.

I'm a grown woman with enough life experience to choose the words that I want.

True. I just thought there were some fairly offensive assumptions under the words you did choose. Good luck anyway. I'm sure this will all work out one way or the other