Thanks all. Seeing as there has been so much offense caused by my poor understanding of the meanings of phrases and people have felt the need to call me up on it, suggesting that I am being misogynistic, derogatory, reductionist or whatever else has been suggested, it might be worth pointing out some of the assumptions and derogatory phrases that have also been used. I also want to give you the full story because I feel as though the "man" has had some unfair assumptions thrown on him, which has skewed the advice you have given.
GoddessOfSmallThings - suggested the man/boyfriend was a "philandering manchild" or a "gangsta". If I had labelled the ex-girlfriend anything remotely similar I probably would have been hung.
ManAnxiety - used the phrase "dump him" (often used in playgrounds) before expressing surprising that I was nearly 30. They also used the phrase "gangsta". In a later post also put this man/boyfriend/DP in the same category as "complete bastards", "players" and "a loser".
JenBehavingBadly - probably offended me the most. Complained about me saying "baby mum" and "boy" and then went on to call me "kid". Reducing me to that of a child, rather than the loving, supportive girlfriend that I am trying to be.
I have also seen "hood" come up a few times, suggesting that my language is used by "hood boys".
For the record, for those of you who take the side of the ex immediately and assume the man is a bastard. Some men are bastards. Some women are also bastards. This ex girlfriend, of course upset that the relationship had ended, broke contact with the father of her child and refused to let him have any access. She actually said to him "you are nothing but a sperm donor to me" (she said this to his face, not in a mumsnet thread). She blocked his entire family, changed her number, changed her email address, and moved house. Her friends sent abusive messages to the father of the child telling him he was the scum of the earth, just a sperm donor, oh just endless "offensive" comments (FAR more offensive than baby mum). For the record, they were in a relationship for 2 years which had been on the rocks for 6 months, with talks of breaking up. She missed 3 pills and fell pregnant at around the same time the relationship was likely to end. Who knows if this was intentional, but she shouldn't have been all that surprised when he said he didn't want to spend the rest of his life with her but he was going to help her to raise the child.
I am also regularly called "scumbag", "homewrecker", "slut", "slapper" and all other names, just for having a relationship with the man. I am not directly responsible for any of this mess, I cautiously fell in love with a man who as far as I could see, was spending every moment of his spare time trying to find a way to contact this woman in order to establish a relationship, support her, support the child and try to find a way to move forward. For those of you questioning why I fell in love with him in the first place - I am responsible for my own decisions and I was fully aware that this was not going to be easy.
The baby was born and was in hospital for 2 weeks, he was not informed. Once he found out through Facebook that his son had arrived, he tried to go to a solicitor, they said he needed SOME form of contact details to get things started - he had none. He then spent a month trying to contact every one of her friends to get some form of contact method and not one of them would provide. Once the baby was 2 months old, she got back in touch with him, mainly to tell him that he will never be a father, never meet his son and he was nothing but a sperm donor. He was distraught. He arranged a meeting with a mediator (because he had her phone number now), and on the day of his initial appointment, his ex offered him the chance to meet the baby, if he promised to give her £300 in cash. He cancelled his meeting and went to see the baby, which was also on the advice of the mediator (in a just-this-once fashion). She didn't actually bring the baby to the meeting much to his upset, but they did have a semi-useful conversation.
Since then, the ex has been dangling this baby like a carrot in front of his face. She sends him pictures of her ex (and abusive) boyfriend holding his son. She tells him he will never see his son again because she is moving back to poland (Where she is from) the following week. The following week comes, it was a lie. Then she says she is moving to the other side of the UK. The following week it is a lie. She has made it very difficult for him to start court proceedings formally because she threatens to leave the country, and then 4 days later promises to put his name on the birth certificate. Then 4 days later she takes it all back.
Yes, he should have started court proceedings the second he found out the child was born. No, he shouldn't have stayed in an extremely unhappy relationship purely for the sake of the child (because it would have been awful for all 3 of them). Yes, he should have been stronger and not listened to the lies she told him, but, he was a desperate man and she was offering him ways of moving forward without going to court.
The last 2 months (he has only known the child for 4 months, and only for 3 hours a month which is NOT enough but it is all she will allow), he has been so racked with guilt put on him by her, and now evidently because he knows he isn't handling this well, that he has simply been saying whatever keeps her happy in the hope that she wont leave the country, she wont let her abusive ex-boyfriend take the role of his father and he'll continue to build a relationship with his son. He also hangs on to her regular promises of putting his name on the birth certificate/giving him PR. Only this week has it all slapped him extremely hard in the face and realised that this is never going to work long term. He has been stuck thinking about the short term only.
So thats the full story. What I see is a man who made a morally difficult decision to leave her in the first place but has been trying for over a year now to put things right, albeit not handling it well. I also see a woman so heartbroken that she is denying her son the right to his father, a perfectly stable, loving and attentive father, because it is too difficult for her to let him have any control over this. She has been using her son to punish her ex boyfriend for leaving her.
I think everyone has fucked up in this situation. No-one is faultless. But, I think people sometimes need to give the "man" a bit more faith in the first place and not assume he is some form of gangsta, or from the hood, or automatically assume he is enjoying playing two women, or assume he is simply trying to get his leg over. Not all men are the same, just like not all "mother of children" are "babymums".
Fathers have rights too, unfortunately not enough. I question any woman who is willing to deny her child the right to a loving father, for her own emotional interest. She has been doing that for a year and it seems is set to continue doing that.
I regret ever starting this thread. Due to obliviously used terminology which is offensive to some people, and because I didn't explain the background fully, people immediately jumped to the conclusion that he is a complete bastard, I am some brainless teenager and the ex girlfriend is an angel who couldn't possibly do any wrongdoing because she is the one raising the child.
This is a long post, I know, but I wanted to put some of the irony in this entire thread to bed. You accused me of making a judgment on someone (even though I was oblivious so therefore I didn't), when many of you had also made judgements yourselves, and expressed them in the most righteous way. I've had to take a long hard look in the mirror this week, and I think some of you should too.