Should my boy be talking to his baby mum that way??

[user1479224526]

My boyfriend is having REAL issues with his baby mum. They broke up when she was pregnant and it's been nothing but messy since. First no contact, then screaming and shouting, now he sees the baby monthly but with no formal agreements in place and she controls the lot.

They text each other all the time, she is either screaming and shouting at him, arranging him seeing the baby or saying how she still loves him and so desperately wants him back.

He doesn't defend his reasons for leaving. He lets her scream at him. He lets her call me all names under the sun (by ignoring it). But I looked at his phone tonight after finding last week that he'd deleted his messages from her. He was mostly ok, but at one point he said "I love you with all my heart" (as a defence to her saying she never loved him). He also said when he next saw the baby he wanted to have 1 day where they pretend to be a family. She referred to her son and him as "my boys" and he said "we are". I get that he's trying not to upset her, especially as he wants to talk to her about going to court soon, but wtf?! Apart from the fact that he's handling the baby situ all wrong, should I really put up with this? Constant messaging, him not defending himself or me, saying all the things which lead her on? I feel disrespected and like I'm being lied to, having to share him with his ex.

Do I continue to push him to do things formally and hope the messaging stops, or shall I get the hell out if he behaves like that towards her secretly?

MrsTerryPratchett

If you get together with man who has just split up with his pregnant partner, do you not expect drama? I would have given him an extremely wide berth but you didn't.

I totally agree with this. I'd run a mile. You'd better get used to the drama.

Just to be clear, I don't call her that. I call her by her name because I have respect for her, probably to the surprise of some of you. I called her that on here because I was just using words to help everyone understand who she was. I don't know what the correct forum terminology is for my boyfriend ex/mother of his child etc, I was merely trying to get my point across.

I call him 'the boy' and I always have done because that's the humour we have in our relationship. I don't judge others for saying 'other half' or 'my man' or anything else for that matter. I really didn't think it would cause so much offence to not get terminology right, I thought everyone would be able to look past that and see that I was crying out for help, not judgement.

Im sorry that I even got involved in this part of the conversation because it's a waste of time but I just wanted to make that clear.

Fair enough, OP, but language matters. People will call you out on it on here. But I apologise for contributing to derailing the thread.

In answer to your original question, his messages to her are highly inappropriate and I would be calling him out on them.

OP at the end of the day, he's either a liar who is taking advantage of her feelings to get what he wants (saying he loves her with all his heart) or he genuinely loves her. Either way, this should be a dealbreaker. This isn't him being soft, it's him being manipulative. Just because you love someone, doesnt mean you should stay with them.

No wonder she's being vile to him he's telling her he loves her. He's pretending to play happy families with her.
It's fucking with her head, it's not fair on either of you.
Regardless of it being used to placate her, it's not fair on either of you. It's incredibly disrespectful to you. It's also stopping her moving on. She see's you as the other woman.

'Fighting' would be taking it legal, getting contact and maintenance agreed via mediation or court. Keeping it amicable, as they will be in each other's lives forever. Not saying he loves her.
Think about it for a minute, not what he's told you (you've seen what he's telling her)

OP, is he a dealer? Because this all sounds awfully familiar...

Yes to elf. I've had this. Ex telling me he still loves me, sleeping together, wanting to play happy families when he visited. And yes, it did fuck with my head, and yes, I've said vile things about the OW which I really am not proud of. If he'd just left and quit the mind-games, I think I would have been able to move on a lot faster. Have you spoken to him yet, OP?

'I actually think the terminology does matter. Because "boy" and "baby mum" and being "disresepcted" make it all sound so twee and unrealistic.'

I feel the same about dear husband, darling son, dear child, dear partner and other half. Makes me cringe if I think about it. But if someone is clearly upset and asking for advice, I'm not going to post just to stick the boot in about the fact that they're using language I wouldn't personally use.

Yes I've spoken to him and no he's not a dealer.

He says he has been saying these things to her to keep her happy because he's been too scared of her disappearing again. He admits he pushed it way too far, admits this is all his fault, admits everything. He's starting the process of going through the courts today because this has been a revealing kick in the face for him. Great news for the baby, what I'll do I don't know.

I do see things plainly now, partly thanks to you guys, partly because I've also had a wake up call.

Maintenance?

Mnpeasantry you have then in fact inferred both my posts completly wrongly- I was being self depreciating and meaning it's not a term I've heard in use other than on TV. Just because its a term I've not heard used doesn't make me culturally unaware otherwise we are all culturally unaware as how can we all know everything about things we've never come across!!
Again OP apologies for derailing- I hope that you are feeling better and less stressed this morning- other than us derailers there has been good advice here!

I can't believe you have read these texts and are still with this man.

He has told the mother of his child he loves her land wants them to be a family.

When challenged by his gf, he claims he lied.

So either he is in love with his ex, or a complete liar leading a vulnerable woman on.
Nice.

Of course terminology matters.

and it's not about MN special terminology. How about baby's mum? With an apostrophe it makes sense. Baby mum does not.

You boyfriend's loyalty should be with the mother of his child. Why would you be with a bloke who leaves a pregnant woman?

Hes playing both of you

OP, any reason why you're not responding when people ask if he's paying maintenance?

bigbuttons, on page 2 you've missed out an apostrophe and a t. You've also incorrectly said 'passed' rather than 'past'. Both those things stop your post from 'making sense'. Isn't this a great game?

You've also no idea about the circumstances of the split between the baby's mum and dad. Perhaps find those out before judging.

I'd leave him to it.

Thank you 873, I wanted to say that myself but I'm tired of defending myself for being with the man in the first place. This story is a lot bigger than this thread so unless your commenting on what I've told you, I'm trying to ignore it.

Maintenance - he pays £200 a month and sees him for about 3 hours. This is in cash with a signed receipt from her. She wouldn't accept any other way, or any other form of payment at this stage. So that's what he's done, in order to see his child. He's going through getting it done in a trackable way this week.

yeah, I know, I do typos, especially when typing in a rush, they are not intentional, loads of people do it, my typos didn't obscure the meaning of my posts. We are talking about a chosen phrase which doesn't make sense, not a typo. Baby mum means a mum who is a baby and it is a horrible phrase.

Christ. I wrote this thread at 1 in the morning having just seen all these texts, upset, with him asleep next to me. Does it really matter how I spelled it?! its totally missing the point and adding unnecessary stress and judgement.

"Baby mum means a mum who is a baby"

What?

*"Baby mum means a mum who is baby"
*

I would run a mile from anyone that was texting their ex telling her the loved her.
By the sounds of it he is telling both of you what you want to hear and enjoying the "pick me dance".

Now that's a baby mum.

Isn't it funny how people have judged on this post just because of the words this woman has decided to use.

Have you spoken to him OP? Have you told him how the text has made you feel etc?
I would personally take a step back, for him to say something like that doesn't seem right IMO, but then I don't know the full circumstances so I don't really know what to say.