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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My daughter has been taken away from me.

285 replies

Emmie1201 · 14/11/2016 12:33

It isn't fair, I'm her mum. Mum knows best :( I can't believe they're allowed to do this.

OP posts:
Topseyt · 14/11/2016 15:19

Slottedspoon, I thought OP said that she didn't let him in and he then started trying to smash windows.

I don't think she said whether or not he succeeded in smashing them and gaining entry. The only thing seems sure is that she did not call the police while this was happening (she should have).

SlottedSpoon · 14/11/2016 15:21

The way I read it, she has been letting him in when he turns up and starts making threats outside the house, because she finds it easier to just let him in than to call the police on him.

And therein lies the problem.

steff13 · 14/11/2016 15:24

Thats true but blaming her for what he did still isnt helping trying to advise and explain something is different from laying blame on them

We'll have to agree to disagree here. IMO, until she recognizes that she does have culpability for what happened to her daughter, she won't be able to move forward and do what needs to be done to get her daughter back.

Topseyt · 14/11/2016 15:29

I keep the door locked and he ends up trying to smash windows. I then leave with my daughter to a hotel

That is what the OP said on page 2. I had read it as meaning that she doesn't let him in, so he tries to force entry. Then she leaves with her DD to go to a hotel.

comoneileen · 14/11/2016 15:30

Emmie1201 your daughter needs you. Follow the great advice given here. Just on little step at a time.
I know you probable feel like drowning in your sorrow right now, but uou need to give it your best shot, so at the minimum you know you have tried your best and in the best case scenario she is back with you. Flowers

ChampsMum · 14/11/2016 15:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Bluntness100 · 14/11/2016 15:35

Ah, really the troll hunting isn't good, and I suspect she had an awful lot to deal with and that's maybe why she's not back,😞

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 14/11/2016 15:39

Champ advice should be given without the op feeling obligated to keep a bunch of strangers updated with her life.

PurpleDaisies · 14/11/2016 15:41

It's really sad and annoying that people give their time to offer support to people on here then the OP stops replying/refuses to take that advice.. Or turns out to be not genuine.

No one is under any obligation to take advice or reply. Give you're basically calling the op a troll in your post (as have others) I'm not really surprised she hadn't been back.

ghostspirit · 14/11/2016 15:44

To many assumptions being made.

Hibiscus8 · 14/11/2016 15:46

They won't count it against you if you call the police and refuse to let him in. He'll then have to damage your property to force entry, and be arrested for criminal damage, or you'll have to get an injunction. SS can help you with that also, or at least point you in the right direction and recommend solicitors , as it will show that you are doing everything possible to get your daughter back. Try and also attend all meetings or parental support classes that have been recommended , either voluntarily or by the court. It will help build your confidence in dealing with your (ex?) partner, and again show SS and the court that you are making efforts to improve. Good luck!

BratFarrarsPony · 14/11/2016 15:49

you dont know though Hibiscus.
when i called the police about my violent husband, a woman police officer actualy said to me 'dont call us again about this, or your children will be taken into care'.
I am not making it up.

TrickyD · 14/11/2016 15:49

I keep the door locked and he ends up trying to smash windows. I then leave with my daughter to a hotel

That is what the OP said on page 2. I had read it as meaning that she doesn't let him in, so he tries to force entry. Then she leaves with her DD to go to a hotel.

No doubt someone will deem that I am being stalkerish again, but I cannot get my head round this. If he was there smashing the windows and trying to force entry, how did she get out without him stopping her?

As Champs says we wil probably l never know, but let's hope it is not genuine.

Atenco · 14/11/2016 16:03

Emmie, there is some very good advice on this thread, take it and ignore the judgmental ones. I hope you can find a safe place to live for you and your dd.

Jiggl · 14/11/2016 16:05

Jiggle you have got that all wrong

Emmie, please tell me how I have it all wrong then? To date, you have not spoken to the police, SS or WA, have you? How long were SS involved in your case? How long have they been warning you to cut this man out of your lives because you stood to lose your DD if you didn't?

If SS have been working with you for even a short amount of time, then you knew. So how did he get into the house where your DD was in order to push her. You say she was hospitalised and went straight into care from there. You say that he attempted to break in. Not that he broke in.
So. He gained entry to your home after SS had clearly warned you of the risks and consequences. And during the time he gained entry an altercation took place inside which your daughter was a witness to and he hurt your DD.

You did not call the police, GP, WA or SS then. It's unclear if you have called any of them even now, because as I mentioned, your posts are extremely vague.

Look, I know what it's like to be in a relationship with an abusive bastard. I was in one. I ended up getting partially strangled and got an emergency appointment to talk to Women's Aid. I spoke to my GP. The Police. I'd no children at that point so SS were not applicable. I did 6 months of counselling to get my head around the mess of a so-called relationship I'd wasted too much time and sanity on to the point where my life was at risk.

If you want to, you can get her back. If you follow to the letter what SS tell you, if you follow what police tell you, if you follow what WA tell you. You won't get her back arguing with a stranger on the internet, hand wringing about how you were warned or by insisting that mum knows best. I'm not bashing you, though you think I am. But right now, your DD needs someone who is stronger than you to protect her from your Ex. Right now, you don't know what is best, because your judgement right now is fundamentally flawed.

PoldarksBreeches · 14/11/2016 16:08

The opening line of this post demonstrates exactly where the OP is in terms of understanding why she is in this position 'mum knows best'
Sadly nothing we say on here will make a difference right now because she thinks she did everything she could.
If you have an ex who comes round, smashes windows and threatens to kill your child then you flee. You get yourself into a refuge and you get your child away. For whatever reason the op didn't do that and her 4 year old almost got a broken back.
If children's services have obtained a care order to remove this child then a judge/magistrates would have been involved and the op would have had the opportunity to make a statement to the court. Unless this is a voluntary agreement?

RepentAtLeisure · 14/11/2016 16:18

until she recognizes that she does have culpability for what happened to her daughter, she won't be able to move forward and do what needs to be done to get her daughter back.

And if she doesn't have culpability? She hasn't said anything that makes me feel she's at fault. Why is it that we are endlessly supportive of abused women until a child is involved - at which point the woman is supposed to turn into a superhuman and beat the guy/turn back time so that she never met him? We all know (or should by now) that there are many reasons why women don't leave at the first sign of violence - minimization from him and from society at large, fear that things will get much worse if she leaves, the understanding that protection for victims only goes so far. The OP left, and got help for her dd. Good for her. Now she needs support.

OP - who have you seen for help so far? Are there any dedicated charities/helplines/advocacy groups that cover this? Women's Aid? The CAB?

RepentAtLeisure · 14/11/2016 16:21

The opening line of this post demonstrates exactly where the OP is in terms of understanding why she is in this position 'mum knows best'

Or maybe she was just opening a conversation with what she thought were a group of sympathetic Mums. On Mumsnet.

Ultimately - she's not the abusive parent, and though she can't police what the abusive parent does she says she has left. OP, have you asked the council if there's anything more you can do to cooperate?

SlottedSpoon · 14/11/2016 16:22

Great post Jiggl

Bluntness100 · 14/11/2016 16:26

I really don't feel allocating blame is the correct thing to do here. I'm finding some of the harsh responses very difficult to read and I believe that when it's something this sensitive people should err on the side of caution when it comes to troll insinuations.

There has been lots of helpful advice, and working with social services to understand next steps and what is required of the op is what's important here. They will advice her on what actions she needs to take and yes, she needs to follow that advice.

I hope she gets her daughter back and she is able to turn her life around and get away from this guy,

steff13 · 14/11/2016 16:27

And if she doesn't have culpability? She hasn't said anything that makes me feel she's at fault.

She's refused to call the police (multiple times, it sounds like from the OP's posts), and thus failed to protect her daughter. That's her culpability. From a SS POV, it doesn't matter why she failed to protect her daughter, it only matters that she did. I can appreciate she was afraid, but her daughter was hospitalized. That's what SS is looking at. In order for her to get her daughter back, that's what she has to acknowledge; that she could have prevented it, and didn't. You can have empathy with the OP's circumstances and still recognize that she didn't act in her daughter's best interests.

Underchipsandpeas · 14/11/2016 16:27

The OP has said she is "trying" to get away from the man. And that he went "too far."

And the little girl was hurt and went into foster care. Culpability? She let it happen. And even now doesn't see that she's done anything wrong by not complying to the letter of SS's demands.

It reads to me that the child has gone to foster care and now it's permanent.

OldBootNewBoots · 14/11/2016 16:30

i don't know how we could possibly read that the dd being in foster care is permanent on the evidence and knowledge we have so far, and let's be careful here because assuming this is genuine there's a woman who certainly needs help and not condemnation involved here who's had an awful shock today.

LauraMipsum · 14/11/2016 16:31

If someone has just had their child removed and is suffering the emotional fallout of what sounds like a horribly abusive relationship, can some of you not see it might take them slightly longer than four hours to get herself together and call WA, and much longer than that to admit that SS might have been right that she wasn't in a position to protect her daughter?

"Why haven't you taken my advice immediately and then posted to say you'd done it" why do you think Hmm

Good luck Emmie I hope you are able to get some good advice and make this the turning point to get your daughter back and the ex out of your life forever.

Offred · 14/11/2016 16:31

From SS point of view a child has been hospitalised at the hands of her violent father while in her mother's care.

It isn't about culpability necessarily. It is about protecting the child and making sure that, if she is to be with her mother again, her mother will be capable of protecting her.

The OP needs to understand this is likely to be their thought process and, unfair and difficult though it is for her as a victim of domestic abuse, that she needs to show SS unequivocally that she is capable of protecting dd.