My daughter has been taken away from me.

[Emmie1201]

It isn't fair, I'm her mum. Mum knows best :( I can't believe they're allowed to do this.

CaliforniaHorcrux It was me who said this and i definitely am a registered social worker. What i would say is that social workers in the statutory sector have to abide by the legislation set down in law and the guidelines issued by the LA, but at the heart of this the needs and safety of the child is paramount. What i was trying to say to the OP is no matter what she thinks is best for her child, if SS is of the professional opinion the child is at risk they will act to make that child safe. It is very tough in the parents, especially if, like the OP, she feels that she is being punished by what her ex is doing. I wholeheartedly hope that eventually she sees it is for the best right now that her child is kept safe and that she can work with SS to resume care of her DD in the future. We are not all heartless mercenary bastards who love to snatch children.

Hi OP, It seems you have had a lengthy relationship with ss which maybe you had not took so seriously up until now. However, whether or not people feel you deserve it, you will get a second chance. I know I don't need to tell you who to call or where to get help, as social services would have been telling you this the entire time. At this time, it is not about you or what you might think of yourself, it's about your child's wellbeing. Please if you know you can do better for your child get help and support. If not, you are still doing better for your child by keeping her in the care of the state. It is not about being with her bio mother, it's about what is the best for the child. Hope all works out for you. With love x

SS don't act to protect children they act to protect the legal obligations of the LA who employ them. There is a huge difference

Please do enlighten us as to what the difference is as you perceive it?

I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you OP - none of us know how much abuse you've been subjected to (either with this man or previously) and therefore how much fear you're already experiencing. I had a dangerous partner during university who destroyed my life and nobody around me supported me at all. I lived in constant fear for my life and I'm forever thankful I managed to get away and there weren't any children involved. I can't imagine how frightened you must be if you've been afraid to call the police because of his threats, but I really hope you can find some strength from this thread to do what you need to in order to get yourself safe and get your child back with you. I can totally understand how it must feel as if everything is stacked against you, but we'll all be here rooting for you and you can talk to us whenever you need to. Women's aid will give you practical help and you really can get through this. Sending you strength and a big dose of anger and determination to get him put away where he belongs

Hopefully the OP is on the phone to Womens aid and not scared off posting.

Yes, because as much as we say what she should do, how horrible this bloke is, how much at risk she and DD have been, until she has the insight she can't move things forward - and ss will know if she hasn't got insight yet.

The simple fact that she's posting not understanding what's gone wrong and her child has gone, shows she's not at the right place yet.

And none of us should bash her for that in any way shape or form.

I hope to goodness that this has been the (unpleasant and horribly upsetting) shock that she needed but I'm worried that she remains at risk still, even though the DD has been rendered safe. I hope she's not been abandoned by ss and is able to get help. I worked for ss for a bit (I'm not a sw though or anything like) and they offered courses to help people understand what they'd been subjected to, why things had been risky etc etc. That kind of help seemed to come on the back of Child Protection orders so I'm not sure what happens if the child's removed and the mum doesn't have any other children...

Emmie, I wish you well. You must be hurting terribly but please listen to those posters on here who are giving wise advice on how to get your little girl back.

Toptoe, what do you think would happen when this man is released from prison? And what should the police do when she meets a new partner? Should she be on 24hr watch because of the people around her? Every child deserves at least one responsible parent. It's really not helpful to suggest that the problem is her ex and if he wasn't in the picture things would be ok. Clearly she has not provided any substantial evidence to ss
that she is protecting this child and the child is in imminent danger. Emmie has had great advice to seek help and compliance. Looking for someone to blame and making excuses just we send her 10 steps back. Hope Emmie takes the advice from the constructive posts and ignores the enablers.

Emmie it sounds like you've had a real shock, because although you were told what you needed to do, you thought you were doing it and the SWs didn't think it was enough.

Do you have contact arrangements? Or letterbox contact? If you do, you can try to make that as positive as you can for your DD. She's safe, which is ultimately what you've wanted for a long time.

Do get advice from women's aid and do contact your SW to work with them to make the changes you need to so that your DD can come home.

And none of us should bash her for that in any way shape or form.

She left the thread. That's what her 'bashing' achieved. And what a lovely phrase to use when the OP was the victim of an abusive relationship.

That's a good outcome. Hopefully now she's had all the good advice from social media, she can now focus on becoming a better mother to her daughter so they can reunite soon.

toptoe the police cannot take action if they don't know that is it happening. OP needs to report it

Eh Repentatleisure?!? Jesus.

Yes, she left the thread because of those who bashed her - what a shame. Since my post was clearly supportive of her despite her ultimate failure to protect her child, and unsupportive of the 'bashing' she got, and since anyone knows that 'bashing' refers to verbal bashing (well it would wouldn't it since it's not face to face and can't possibly refer to physical abuse), I can't understand your comment really.

I always feel it's the ultimate failure when people on here start having such a go at people that they just withdraw from the thread as they can't take it - surely not the outcome we would want?

It's so sad to see these threads go the same way every time.
OP comes on here to ask for help.
She is obviously so ground down by DV she literally can't see wrong from right. We all talk the talk about how damaging DV is to self esteem, /mental health/ self awareness and yet when someone comes on here and exhibits just those traits she gets castigated and verbally bashed for not doing what she should be doing. Let's face it. If she was able to do what she should be doing, then her child wouldn't have been removed and she would never have posted.
Next time we have an OP in this situation (because I doubt very much this one needs verbal assault on top of all the other assaults she has suffered through her life) can we PLEASE go out of our way to be gentle and remember that women in this situation are also victims but with the appropriate help can turn it around. We can give that help. Gently does it. The time to be harsh is if the child is still there.
Once the dc is removed she already has lost everything on top of the horror of DV

Is it possible to report people for being self-righteous? It is so horrible when some people take mumsnet to be some kind of Jeremy Kyle show.

There are lots and lots of women in abusive relationships. SS does not remove all their children. The problem is not the violence, it's the ops lack of insight.
What the op needs to understand (and some posters) too is that it is better for the child to be away from her mum but living in a home where she is safe, 100% safe, than with somebody who loves her but is not capable of showing they prioritise her safety above everything else. Love is not enough.

Well said northernlurker

In a crisis situation the part of the brain (the amygdala) responsible for what most people know as the fight or flight reflex kicks in. In reality the amygdala has 5 responses to chose from; flight, fight, freeze, flop or friend.

We have no say over which the amygdala chooses, it just assesses the situation and makes a decision. In the case of the return of a violent partner 9/10 it will chose 'friend'. i.e. Be nice to the person and they won't hurt me.

Research has shown that no matter how many times SS threaten to remove a child if a woman allows a violent partner back into the home, the reality is that unless the SW is standing there at the same time with kids in their arms the victim is unable to make that choice.

op You need to meet with your daughters social worker and have a discussion about exactly what they are asking of you.

Also you need to be attending contact on on time regularly.

You need to report him to the police and you need to speak to women's aid and victim support.

Good luck

Emmie, do you think you have been worn down by him? You sound so...passive. That's not a criticism but perhaps you are just numb to it all. Your daughter sustained a very serious injury and although it must be upsetting to hear, you need to accept how serious is it. Work with the social workers, show them that you want help to change how you are feeling and acting. You've been given advice by people far more knowledgable than me and I hope you take it for the sake of you and your little girl.

Take care.

And women should not have to protect themselves from violent men. Those men should be removed, locked away, fined, by the police without the need for frightened women to press charges so that the child is safe in their own home. If the man is the problem, then the man should be dealt with until he learns or is forced (eg jailed) not to go back and carry on being violent and abusive.

How are the police to act, if they don't know what is going on?

OP, you've received some very good advice on this thread, I hope you can find the strength to act on it and get your DD back.

And women should not have to protect themselves from violent men.

Maybe not, but they do have a responsibility to protect their children from them, if they know the man to be violent. Repeatedly returning to, or spending time with a man who hurts you is one thing, but when you know they have seriously hurt your child and you still won't remove yourself from them completely, that's on a whole other level.

I am wondering why this particular man is still at liberty to come banging on her door though - I would have thought at the very least he should have an injunction against him to prevent him going near his child. I suppose it depends on the severity of the injury and I don't know much about the procedures or the likelihood of criminal charges being pressed with this sort of thing.

However I am bewildered that the OP is so reluctant to call the police to have him removed from outside her home and yet she's apparently happy to leave the house with the child to go to hotel while he is supposedly outside and being abusive and threatening to kill her. Either that or she's letting him in and then saying that she removes herself and the child instead.

It's not stacking up for me and I think she's scrabbling to find a story that might sound plausible to SS when basically, whichever way you turn it, she has failed to do what she was told she must do in order to keep her DD.

Also, correct me if I am wrong, but where has the OP actually said this man has been violent or abusive towards her, other than threatening to smash the windows and kill her since he was made to move out at the insistence of SS?

There are lots of posters making assumptions and actually stating here that she has been suffering DV for years at the hands of this man, but we know no such thing. We only know he hurt the child and as a result of that has been made to leave the family home, which he then returns to and gets verbally abusive and makes threats because he wants to be let back in.

Of course it would be no great surprise to find out he has been violent to the OP during their relationship, but we shouldn't just assume it.

OP I just wanted to say I hope you are ok. Please do everything SS wants you to do, please do not come across as defensive or make excuses, they will not return your daughter if you do that. Do everything they ask and more. It is the only way to get your daughter back. Do it as soon as you can otherwise they may get a permanent order. I know it is hard but please do this for your daughter. She needs you.

Was it a voluntary agreement or did they get a court order? I am guessing if there was a court order you had the chance to go to court and have your say?
Do you have legal advice?

It's so sad to see these threads go the same way every time.
OP comes on here to ask for help.

I don't think she was looking for help, I think she was looking for sympathy and someone to tell her she was a great mum and what big nasties ss are.

What she received was a lot of good advice and some tough love. It's not what she was looking for but was what she needed to hear.

I hope reading the responses have led her to call WA and start on the road to getting her little girl back.

The childs safety comes above all others.

The DV the OP has suffered is horrid but until the OP is in a position to free herself from it removing the child is the only option.
SS wont blame you but their priority is the vulnerable child.
Please follow the advice given and use the support of the womens aid and police to protect yourself because once SS see that you are free of him they will work with you to return your child.

Some posts have been harsh but if the removal of her child was not enough for the OP to see she needs to do more to protect her DD then I can understand the tough approach.

OP, you have a SW now, ask for their support to do everything you can to get away from this man. Ask them to support you moving. Go to the police and report this man and explain you are in fear of you life and ask their advice and what they can do to help you. Only you can actually do this. The support is there for you but you have to want and access it.