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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

My daughter has been taken away from me.

285 replies

Emmie1201 · 14/11/2016 12:33

It isn't fair, I'm her mum. Mum knows best :( I can't believe they're allowed to do this.

OP posts:
whirlwinds · 14/11/2016 14:48

Emmie, first of all you need to talk to WA and the Social Worker. Second it would be highly advised that you look for somewhere else for you and your child to live. You have sadly, by not contacting the police, help create a situation where your child is seen as being at risk. Yes it is his fault but as a parent your job is to take action to help prevent situations where your child is at risk. Moving, changing numbers, reporting to the police, ss and maybe even name change, your fear of him is what is putting her at risk atm. This is the time for some big changes, get a notebook and write everything he says and does if there is more contact, date and time, report it. You don't know best yet, but hopefully you will very soon

MyschoolMyrules · 14/11/2016 14:48

Errr the op'ex need to be in jail maybe? You are all blaming the op, but it is her ex who was violent, not her. Maybe she failed to defend her child but she is not the perpetrator. The ex Needs To Be In Jail. End of.

Op you really need to sort yourself out and get that man in prison.

TupsNSups · 14/11/2016 14:49

Op, Where is your dd now? Is she in foster care?

Have SS explained everything to you about what will happen/what needs to be done etc?

Do you have real life support, family, Friends?

MrsJayy · 14/11/2016 14:49

Thats true but blaming her for what he did still isnt helping trying to advise and explain something is different from laying blame on them

Cloudylemons · 14/11/2016 14:50

MrsHiddleston, there's no message at the start to say MN moderators have commented, but they have commented to say that as far as they can see this is genuine, about half way through. I think it's far too upsetting for all those who've been affected by dv though, as adults and as children, and the tone of the op seems weird, let alone what she's doing on mn at this time.

Underchipsandpeas · 14/11/2016 14:50

This reply has been deleted

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TrickyD · 14/11/2016 14:50

At 13.26 the OP said she was going to make the call immediately. An hour later she replied to Jiggl with no mention of having made the call.

I think Jiggl's summing up, though harsh, was fair.

Cloudylemons · 14/11/2016 14:52

I agree with Jiggl

OldBootNewBoots · 14/11/2016 14:53

op please keep trying to get real-life support from Women's aid and any other group - does SS have any recommendations for groups? You need a case worker from a charity on your side to work with you on a regular basis, to help you see what you need to do over time to get your DD back and sort your own life out. You feel as though you were following the rules but something got lost somewhere because SS have your DD, I do sympathize, but you must at some level see that your DD is better off not witnessing your ex coming around and smashing things up? Maybe she is better off temporarily out the way until the ex-p can be made to stay away permanently?

Manumission · 14/11/2016 14:55

Tricky don't be a dick. WA are famously hard to get through to.

ghostspirit · 14/11/2016 14:56

I will treat the op as if it's genuine until i know different. But I hope it's not genuine because then we know there is not a child in danger in this case.

If it is genuine then the op is getting great advice

Buzzardbird · 14/11/2016 14:57

Getting through to WA during the daytime is very difficult. You would be better to call this evening OP.

listsandbudgets · 14/11/2016 14:58

My god poor Emmie - some of you should simply keep your fingers off the keyboard.

This poor woman has been in an vile abusive relationship for probably years. She's finally found the courage to chuck out the horrible excuse of a man and try to do what she thought she needed to do to protect her DD. She then loses her DD and in a state of shock and horror asks for help here and some of you make her sound like a criminal and uncaring mother.

YES she made mistakes. YES there are things she could have done differently but its so bl**dy easy for us to see that when we're not in the situation. when you're in hell you just take the first turning you see that you think will get you out and it may well not be the right one.

Emmie there have been lots of helpful and constructive posts too. You have to get away from this man. You have to talk to Social Services and find out what you need to do to get your dd back. If that is moving to the other side of the country and starting a new life then that is what you'll have to do.

Spend half an hour to have a cup of tea, wash your face, calm yoruself down then pick up that phone - first to women's aid, then social services and then the police. I hope that she is back with you soon and that you both find yourself a safe place to be. Neither of you need that "man" in your life but your little girl needs her mummy to be strong and fight like hell for her

Bluntness100 · 14/11/2016 15:01

The child being removed is not about blaming or punishing the mother, it's simply about protecting the child. If the op hasn't been reporting him to the police and the child is in danger than as a minimum this is a prudent act.

Let's not forget the child has already been hospitalised by her father, that he comes round threatening to kill them and smash the place up. Whatever we hear here, a judge and social services felt it was in the child's best interests to remove her at this stage for her own protection.

The op needs to work with social services, " an improvement" is clearly not enough and she will need to comply with whatever they need done to ensure the child's safety. I suspect she was doing what she thought was best out of fear , but sometimes when we are scared we don't act rationally. The child was still witnessing or hearing the threats and the mother was having to get her out her own home.

That's awful for any child, never mind the mother.

Ps, please stop the troll huntng, I don't think it helps any, I'm sorry. The mods have reviewed, let's trust their judgement, we all act differently in times of stress.

Potatoooooo · 14/11/2016 15:03

Has OP rang women's aid yet?

TrickyD · 14/11/2016 15:07

Manumission, she gave no indication of having even attempted to ring them.

Manumission · 14/11/2016 15:09

So what Tricky? She's posting for advice she doesn't need your stalkerish "at 14.21 precisely OP said..." posts. And she doesn't owe us forensic updates of al her actions in every post she makes Hmm

SlottedSpoon · 14/11/2016 15:09

They didnt take her because he kept turning up on your doorstep. They took her because you chose to keep letting him in instead of calling the police to have him removed when he threatened to smash your windows. This is really very, very simple to understand....and yet, you don't.

SweetiesandStuff · 14/11/2016 15:11

slottedspoon where does it say that she let him in? genuinely curious as i missed it

Topseyt · 14/11/2016 15:13

Maybe she failed to defend her child but she is not the perpetrator. The ex Needs To Be In Jail. End of

I don't think anyone has said that she was the perpetrator, but she does seem to be in denial about how serious the situation is and therefore she has not been vigilant enough to protect herself and/or her child. No maybe about it. The harsh truth is that this has been her role in this saga. Yes, she needs help, but she needs to pay attention to what is needed in order to make that help as effective as possible.

Several of us, myself included, have said that the ex should be in jail as he is a dangerous man.

Unfortunately, the police may only be able to act if the OP reports his actions to them and so far it seems that she has not done this, very likely because she was afraid of how he would react. If she called them whenever he was around and threatening them (breaking windows, injuring her DD etc.) then they would have arrested him and the process would have begun. She needs to accept that she should have done that, and by not doing so she did not protect her DD.

OldBootNewBoots · 14/11/2016 15:13

we don't know the ins and outs of it properly, that's why op needs RL, ongoing help. It's all very well for us to jump on our moral high horses but op is massively in shock (which could also explain the inaction and time gaps), not be the time for tough messages, her DD is gone, surely we'd all be in a total state at this point. Picking yourself up takes time in reality.

TeenAndTween · 14/11/2016 15:15

Give the poor OP a chance.
It may take her hours or even days to pluck up the courage to phone WA and ask for help. Give her space and time to consider all the advice on here and to make a sensible decision.
Her DD is safe at the moment, stop hectoring her and give her a bit of time.

TrickyD · 14/11/2016 15:16

So what Tricky? She's posting for advice

Well she doesn't seem to be taking any of it.

SlottedSpoon · 14/11/2016 15:18

Sweetie reading between the lines she's been letting him in, It says she dosent call the police to have him removed when he just turns up. But if he wasn't persuading her to let him in and sticking around for a bit then how on earth do SS know he's there?

He's either there or he isn't there. The OP has said he's been there on several occasions and she doesn't call the police. This is in spite of the fact that he has already pushed the child hard enough to put her in hospital.

Manumission · 14/11/2016 15:19

How do you know? Confused